And I think it was about a year into that job, just everything blew up in my face big time.

I was seeing things that people say weren’t there. Voices came back big time. I was depressed. Oh it was horrible. It was horrible. And the head technician in my department in the end said to me, You’ve got to see the medical person So I saw the medical person, who said, You’ve got to see the psychiatrist

In the meantime as well as this was going at work, at home I had gone to the GP and said, Can I have some tranquillizers. I can’t cope And of course she started asking questions and ended up giving me antidepressants, when I actually wanted some Valium. And she had at the same time referred me to a psychiatrist, but I didn’t actually know this.

So I saw the psychiatrist. About three days later, took a huge dose of these antidepressants and ended up in a psychiatric ward for the first time.

And what was it like coming home from college?

Yes, it was nice. To see my parents and brother again. Just a break from what I was doing every day really. And I drunk, drunk a lot less and that helped a lot.

What was the problem with drinking too much? How did it feel?

Well I didn’t really want to be drinking that much all the time. You get liver damage and so all the rest of it. So I cut down.

So was it just for health reasons really?

Yes. So I got prescribed diazepam by the doctor, and that helped, that’s helped a hell of a lot.

Oh really?

Yes. That’s actually taking all the voices and stuff away actually.

Really?

Yes. Because it lasts so long. If I take it, like I take half and half like, half about ten and then half about 12 or something, of what I take, and chills me out a lot and makes it easier to sleep. And it lasts into the next day, well into the next day. Nearly until I take it again.

Well, I was put on medication and I was I went to hospital for, not for not for, for about a month. Yeah, I went to hospital for a month and I was put on a course of medication [sniffs] called which was chlorpromazine at the time and a medicine for, to cope with the side effects of chlorpromazine.

Which is also known as Largactil I think.

And what was that like?

It wasn’t very good. It was for the first, I could barely get out of bed for the first couple of weeks in hospital. it’s a very, very heavy sedative.

So I couldn’t I mean I couldn’t do much anyway, but I could do even less. I was just I was made into a bit of a zombie really, you know.

But it did deal with the voices and things, not entirely but some in some way. You know, it went some way to doing that and I did, and for the first few years, after my diagnosis, I went from medication to medication to changing, always changing round and I had some really bad ones.

Some but this and it was some while before I was what I can, good medication, which is which is what I’m on, which is what I’m on now because I think it hadn’t come out at the time that I was ill.

It hadn’t, you know, they just it had only come out a year or so after I was ill so I as soon, which can and does happen, you know, they.

And it’s a much, which it was a much better one and it’s the one I’m taking now.

Right.

Which is called sulpiride, which, which is fine, you know, which is which I’m quite happy with, you know, but I did have to go, I had to try a few of the old the old fashioned ones.

Before then which had a lot of quite horrendous side effects for me, you know, in particular.

They started me on antipsychotics, and that didn’t work and he told me I’d be ten days before the drugs would work and I’d start feeling better and, the, the ten days went past and I was still feeling awful and I remember trying to leave then, I thought to myself well I’ve been here for ten days it obviously doesn’t work I’m getting out of here’

And that’s, and that’s when I discovered the Mental Health Act, you know?

So I was sectioned, and my life just became a, then for ten years I spent six and a half of that next ten as an inpatient, being treated with all sorts of drugs but still hearing the same voices.

And they would never ever ease up, and it didn’t matter what they pumped into me it was, I mean I remember when I was in the community, you know, whatever that was, I used to take a thousand milligrams of chlorpromazine at night just to get to sleep because that was, that would somehow seem to, I used to think it got rid of the voices I think what actually happened was that I was so stoned out my head I didn’t care, and then I was, I was given ECT because I started getting depression, which was one of the effects of neuroleptics, I became a mess for ten years I actually came to the end of those ten years not wanting to be alive any more, and this is in a system that you’re meant to, recover in, you know? And I guess I became non-compliant and I was one of those patients when nurses heard I was being admitted would go, Oh no not him again And, [sighs] it was a never ending cycle of in and out of hospital and, they, they, they always tried to blame me, they said that, you know, I was non-compliant but the drugs didn’t work and I didn’t see how the drugs not working made me not, me non-compliant I think it made them, made the, the drugs not work.

I negotiated that I would have medication by tablet. I have been taking my tablets every day since 1991. In recent years, about the last ten years, I’ve been atypical medication. The one I have been on is something called olanzapine. it’s got even less sedative effects than the Largactil and Stelazine I was last discharged on. As far as I know, because I don’t have a lot of insight into my mental illness I haven’t been acting in a psychotic or paranoid way. I feel quite happy and content and I don’t have any unhelpful feelings that say, the Russians are coming’ or that the IRA are lurking around Kentish lanes, trying to do something against the Archbishop of Canterbury. I don’t feel there’s signalling going on, signalling go on to spy satellites or by Morse code or anything like that. I used to have those thoughts and they’re very unhelpful. I don’t have any of those thoughts today and I have had those kind of thoughts for nearly fifteen or twenty years. That’s due to the therapeutic effect of the tablets. Which I will accept. And as I say for the last ten years or so, I’ve been atypical medication and the one I’ve been prescribed is olanzapine. And I’ve got no objections to taking it. Each day is the same. You know, I mean I don’t have restlessness or extreme sedation.

Even though you know intellectually that it’s there to keep you alive. It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like you’re being controlled and coerced and it’s not as though people do it in a nasty way, you know, the nurse who gives me the injection is always pleasant and she’s very good at giving me it, it doesn’t really hurt very much and the people who say I have to take my medication would be the mental health officer or the psychiatrist in a really nice way, I just don’t want to take it. I feel it pollutes the core of who I am. it’s a very strange feeling, like I feel that being on medication I’m false. And I know everyone says when you’re on medication you know, you’re rational, you’re not full of weird ideas, you can get on with people, you can cope with life. You, well you don’t always sleep, but you do better at sleeping than when you’re not. You look after yourself, but it doesn’t feel like it’s me. It feels like, I’m not an automaton, but just a shadow of what is me, and yet what is me is too horrible to think about. So part of me accepts that I have to take it. I just can’t willingly do it.

Well basically… I mean it was just, it was, I mean it was awful. You just felt like you had no contact with your emotions. You had no contact with your thinking. And one medication I was on, I just kept, literally just nodding off to sleep. Even if I were on a bus. And I did nod off to sleep on a bus, and somebody stole my bag. So I said to the doctor, I can’t be on this medication. This is what it’s doing to me And he said, Well, you know, you look calmer when you are on it [Laughs].

And you looked very calm when your bag was stolen?

[Laughs] Yes, I was so calm, I can’t stay awake, so, not helpful, and still going through the kind of the distress actually.

And I think where hospital care can be lacking, or was, I’m talking about a while ago now, is that they don’t give you any further information. They just put you on a load of drugs and [inhales] and I can remember having a discussion with this particular psychiatrist and saying, I don’t want any kind of medication that’s going to make me put on weight, because on some of the antipsychotics you put on two or three stone And she was very much, No, no, no. I’ve chosen this – it was risperidone – I’ve chosen this drug because it specifically does not put on weight Two stone later, no periods, complete mess. You know, you can imagine if you’ve got a history of an eating disorder, you know, you take that element of control away from somebody despite what they’ve said, on top of all the other problems they’ve got. And I actually had [laugher in voice] to tell my psychologist. I just said to her, I said, Well just get this woman off my back

One of the nurses reported that I hadn’t been taking my tablets, which I don’t know how they came to do that. So the psychiatrist called me in and said, There’s some doubt about you taking your tablets. We’re going to put you on injections And this chap who I can only describe as a [forensic hospital] trained teddy boy who insisted on being called Mr. He had his white coat on with green epaulets and so he was some kind of nurse. And he insisted on being called Mr. Mr B. I won’t say his full name. You call me Mr B, I’ll call you Raymond or Andrew or whatever I like And I’m going to give you this injection. If you don’t come with me and drop your trousers so I can give you the injection, I’m going to call the crash team out, who will hold you down and give you the injection And this coming from a [forensic hospital] trained teddy boy in an era in 1974 when I’d become associated with peace and love, and I’d sort of gone through the you know, sort of hippy if you like phase and I thought it was all peace and love and it’s all energy man and things like that. And you know, but to be confronted with a [forensic hospital] trained teddy boy, was pretty intimidating, especially when he could call on a crash team, to come out, if there’s a slightest sort of bit of doubt, and who would delight no doubt in dialling that number from the ward phone and getting the crash team, and holding you down and injecting you. So that’s what the staff were like.

But eventually what I did I had to, I come up with this strategy to come off them, my last consultant that I had when I was in the system, and I had a lot of time for him, I had a lot of respect for him, because you could have a conversation with him and he was dictatorial, so what I would do is, I’d got no money and, and everything but I thought I need to replace the drugs with something’ so, what I did, every, one, once a morning, once, sorry, every, every morning once a day I would get up, I’d get dressed, and I might take a small percentage of the drugs off, but I would walk, if I get the endorphins going. I was self-stimulating and I’d blank me mind or think about what I want to do for the future and I might just do it for thirty minutes, but by blocking the voices for thirty minutes I was extending time as the drugs came down otherwise I’d just sit there and think oh me drugs have gone down what will happen?’ and the anxiety brought the voices on. But then I saw, there was an old man I used to live next door to and I noticed every Wednesday he went walking and he’d be gone for hours. So this one Wednesday morning I followed him, I weren’t stalking him I just wondered where he was getting to you know? And he went out into the countryside and, when he got back I asked him, I said, [Name] could I come walking with you on a Wednesday He says, Of course you can And I would walk with [Name] but I, that was the only day that, that I would drop a bigger percentage off me drugs. And he would tell me what his wife was like, what he’d done in the war, what businesses he’d had, and we’d walk for four or five hours and I wasn’t focussing on the voices, and that’s how I started to replace it with time, and company, and endorphins and eventually I got I, eventually I got them off them all up here for a period of time.

And did you come up with strategy on your own…

Yeah, yes

…with someone?

I came up on me own I thought I’ve got to replace these drugs with something’ otherwise I’ll just sit around and I’ll get anxious and worried and the voices will come back so it was just something I developed myself.

Eventually if I do decide to come off this quetiapine , which I take at night, because if I don’t take it, which I did last weekend, not there, but the weekend before that, I’ve been too late to get my repeat prescription and I was short of a couple. The first night I think, I think I got really pissed and then managed to sleep, but the day before I was do to get a new prescription I took I didn’t sleep all night. I got up in the morning and I was like pretty elevated. It was ney justut it was obviously caused by the.. but it triggered something like and I was getting the vibe again like, where this is going vibe and I thought right, because it was weird because it was after, it was after your day, you know, I’d arranged this meeting and I was sothis is a good one, this will be a refresher like, a little bit, but it was interesting because it is, it’s almost like it knocks out all of the, you know, things that you worry about and stuff, it just goes [whistles] so its like you’re wiped the slate clean, but I don’t know it wasn’t that much, otherwise I’d managed to read the whole of the Guardian in about three hours.

Then the warden there, said if I wanted to go and do a course, to do youth and community work. So they got me on a course doing youth and community work at the [name of institute]. So I did that for two years and then I was on my way to do my exams to be a youth and community worker, but what happens was, at that time I wasn’t living with my Mum. I was in my own flat in the community, which the mental health nurse got for me with the warden and with the Day Centre organising.

So I lived there and I was at college. But what happened was that was my own fault, I thought, oh Devon, you don’t need no more medication, you’re at work, and you’ve college, and you’re doing this. So I stopped my medication. I didn’t take it any more. And then I got ill again.

So the nurse realised that, and he said, Devon you’ve got to go back to hospital So they took me back to hospital again and I went back on the wards again. But the same thing happened, after being on the ward for a while, I responded to treatment again. So they said you can leave after a while. And then I went back to day hospital and then after doing that I went back to my Mum’s place, no back to my Mum’s place, then back in the community again. And that was in 1983. And I’ve never been back to hospital since. o that’s my early years.

And I know in particular the injections, you tend to lose your dignity to, I mean you do to an extent in a psychiatric ward anyway, although it’s not going to be as bad as prison. But yes, the injections, sometimes you, you know, you do tend to feel that you’re not in control at all, but yes.

I mean, now, I have no problems, no problems about taking my medication at all. But, at some points in the past I’ve been very suspicious of it and that you know, sort of, so I’ve not taken as much as I should, or, you know, completely ignored something. Although it’s happened the other way around, where I’ve been discharged or sent home on weekend leave without any medication. And become physically quite ill, and that, and you know, had to ferry myself back in and that to get something back in my system. Yes.