So work for me really is important. Because it’s not about working it’s about doing something productive with my time. ‘Cause it’s a distraction and it gets me to pour my energy into something, it gets my mind thinking about something positive. I started, I mean I’ve been working even when I was in mental health services. I say, working like I do a lot, did a lot of participation stuff. So like sit on- go on interview panels. I’d, you know, talk about my experiences to groups of people and things like that. That was so helpful for me, ’cause it gave purpose to my experiences. A lot of my jobs are rooted around that. They allow me to, they’ve allowed me to use my real negative and positive experiences for something productive and to really be a catalyst for change in some cases. So work for me has always been therapeutic. ‘Cause there’s always, I, I couldn’t work in a job where I was either being discriminated against, ’cause it does happen, you know, and I always have the view that if I’m in at an interview, I’m always gonna be open about my experiences. ‘Cause if you’re not prepared at that stage to be accepting to my experiences then when I really need you, when I’m at the lowest of the low, you are not gonna be able to support me then. I don’t want to give you my time. My time is [laughs] not worth it. So it’s been difficult, but I think I’ve done pretty okay.

And you do so you’ve got your political work.

Yes, and I got, I got elected whilst still being in and out of [local area’s] Mental Health Unit. And don’t ask how, but I’ll always remember this. I was on the doorstep with someone and I was having a conversation with them about this is what I’m standing for’s and you know, and this what I’m passionate about’s. And he looked at me and he sort of said, ”You’re crazy.’ And I sort of took a step back and went, ”Yeah, I am.’ And then he shook my hand and said, ”You’ve got my vote.’ [Laughs]. And I think I became- mental health, being in mental health services prepared me for politics. ‘Cause in mental health services you have to spin to get what you want and need. You know, you have to say certain things to certain people to get what you need, ’cause the system is so bureaucratic. You understand people a lot better as well when you’re in mental health services. And I just, I don’t know how, but it just really fit, really fit well. I suppose some people get like art, some people like music, you know. For me, politics is a way of expressing my experiences. And I’m okay at being articulate enough to do that. So, it just fit in well.

Okay, so you’re training now to be a mental health nurse. What’s that like?

It’s good. It’s tiring and it’s a lot of work. It’s definitely worth it though. It’s annoying when you have to wake up at 5 am to go and do a 13 hour shift. You don’t get paid for it. But it’s still worth it. Still worth it. It’s just difficult, but I enjoy it. I’m looking forward to finishing this, the course though.

And do you think that your own experiences make you, you know, add value in terms of what you offer there as well?

100%. I think the fact that I’ve been through the things that I have has really really helped me to have empathy and to be kind and that’s the most important thing. I’ve spoken to a lot of people, I’ve said, you know, what do you think it takes for someone to be a good nurse? And they say, you know, someone that can understand, someone that can be nice. Someone that can be patient. Someone that can be empathetic. And, I have all of that in bucket loads because of what I’ve been through. So I think that has really helped, yeah.

So I think if you’re employing someone with schizophrenia I think the first thing to remember is, if you do it right, you are gonna get a very loyal employee. A very very loyal employee. A very creative employee. Not always but I think the rule is, you’ll get a loyal and creative employee, because you’ve given them a chance. You’ve given them some hope. You’ve given them the ability to use their creative skills. Most people with mental illness, or mental health condition, however you wanna phrase it, are very creative and have a lot of energy. If you, as an employer give that person the space to invest that energy and invest that focus and invest that passion then you’re gonna be onto a winner. Look at some of the most successful people in society, a lot of them have experience of mental illness. That’s what you’re getting when you’re an employer. I think practical stuff though, I think being open is so important. Being open with your employer and not sort of hiding away from it just saying, okay, really pleased you’ve felt able to disclose that. How can we support you?

And sometimes it’s as simple as just like, you know, giving them some time out, being flexible with their working hours. You know, particularly if someone’s on medication, afternoons are so much better than morning, because of what I spoke about earlier, you’sre fighting the chemicals. And a lot of people, you know, work better towards the evening. So being flexible towards that. As I said, being able to talk also remembering that you’re not their mental health nurse. So if they need support, encourage them to get that professional support and working with them to get it. You know, ’cause you are not gonna fix ’em overnight. But you’ve got such, as an employer you’ve got an opportunity to transform someone’s life. You’ve got an opportunity to be a real change. And you’ve got an opportunity to just really capture and harness a creative and energetic person. But you need to just be a bit flexible. You need to be a bit understanding that it’s not gonna be easy. But the rewards for you as an organisation that I would argue are gonna be quite substantial. It’s not really, and you- as an employee it’s not always gonna be perfect. But I think it just says a lot about your organisation if you’re able to be responsive to someone’s acute mental health needs. You’d be responsible if they were in a wheelchair. Be quite clear, if they’re in a wheelchair what you’d need to do. And it’s not gonna cost you a fortune to be flexible with your working hours to be flexible—and have those conversations beforehand. Have those honest conversations beforehand. Don’t be afraid of that. And I think that’s really valuable be human about it.

And in terms of kind of like work? How did they kind of respond? Because obviously you were working full time, you said?

Yeah. They were really, really good mostly, I think. I would – My doctor kept signing me off for two weeks at a time, and at the time I thought it wasn’t that serious, so maybe – you know – every two weeks I would be able to go back. But I think that lasted for three months, with every week or two the GP going “Okay, let’s just give it another week and see how you are.” And I think work were getting quite frustrated, because you can’t just lose an employee for that amount of time and not have some – not know whether you need to get someone to cover her, or. So they would kind of ask me, “Oh, well how long do you think it’s going to be?” And then they’d start saying things like “Oh, so do they think this is going to help your recovery then, being off for this long?” And I would say “Well no, it’s not that it’s for my recovery, it’s that I would physically not be able to do anything. Like if I had to come to work today, I could come but I wouldn’t be able to think enough, or talk to a client, because I just wouldn’t be able to deal with it.” And that – And so every kind of couple of days when I knew it was coming up, that I had to go to a doctor and get a sick note, and then talk to work about it, I would get really, really stressed, and really, really worried. And that’s why I quit my job in the end, because I just thought I can’t deal with like the constantly thinking about it, and wondering how they’re doing without me, and.

Yeah. And kind of almost needing to show to the doctor that I wasn’t well enough to go back to work, when actually looking back it was obvious to any person that saw me that I wasn’t ready. But in my head, I was always panicking that they were going to go, “No, no – you should be back at work now, just go and do it.” Because I knew I couldn’t handle it.

Obviously I was at work when it all went wrong. I was actually at work at the time. And because of that, I have a massive stigma around work. Luckily, I’m actually not allowed to work, I wasn’t allowed to work for a while, because I was just too dangerous.

I was a volatile person. But now there’s like a big stigma around it in my head, where if I go to work-, because if I go to work it’s gonna, it’s gonna be into something I wanna do and what if I fail? But it’s not just a basic, what if I fail it’s imagining every possibility of failure. And each one seems more likely than the last and it’s terrifying. But the way I’m handling that is volunteering. I’m starting very soon when I’m gonna be helping other mental health experiences with just day to day life, getting out and socialising and helping them become a bit more productive and more confident. I am so excited about that. Also, also very scared, because even that I could fail at, and this is sort of my test run. If I can do this, all the pressures is just gonna be- then maybe work is, isn’st an impossibility any more, you know. But what I would say in terms of how it affects, how psychosis affects me, it’s okay.

I also get help from Employment Support which is, it used to be called City Limits, which was like an, it’s basically for people like me who are terrified of the working world. Don’t know what to say, what to do. They’ll sit [mic crackles] down with you and they’ll break down every fear you have about working, every fear you have about that, whatever aspect of work you are trying to get into. And then say, right, now, I’ve heard this before. Not your exact story, but I’ve heard something similar to this. This worked for these people so why don’t we try that one. I’ll come with ya and we’ll go together, we’ll do it together. If you don’t like it, we’ll stop. We’ll find something else to do. And they, they are the ones that convinced me to do the volunteering, which I’m gonna be doing soon. They, they went with me to the volunteering place to actually be signed up and they did the application form with me. They, they were just there the whole step and when I, when I finished my volunteering, when I’m doing volunteering, they’re gonna be there the whole time if I want to take it to the next step, they’ll help with that. They, they’re willing to help me find a career. I mean, sometimes they can even find funding for your training and stuff, which is a spectacular.

No, haven’t worked since I worked in that shop. I tried to work in a bank, but again, they were, they were terrible. They had no idea. I just lasted four days. One of the managers kept picking on me for things. Basically, they were trying to make me leave like choose to leave rather than them trying to get rid of me. So in the end, I was just, I thought, I’m not, I’m not gonna fight it. My mum wanted to fight them and you know, this isn’t right. But I was just, I’d just had enough. So since then, I’ve done some volunteering, but I haven’t done any paid work.

And do you think the future with work how would you go about managing that, so would, would you talk about your mental health to the people that were employing you or working with you?

Yeah, definitely. I would always explain it now, because then at least they know and then if, I mean, you can tell how they respond and whether you want to work there or not if you say you’ve got mental health problems and they go, okay, you know, we can do this to help you and that then it’s fine. If they sort of go, oh well, you know, what sort of problems and they don’t really understand that you know it’s probably not the best place for you to work. But ideally, I would like to work in mental health myself, because then, you know, you are around people who understand it and they are not gonna go, you were off sick yesterday.

Yeah, I mean I worked at a hotel for a long time, working in housekeeping. That wasn’t too bad, because you were by yourself, doing rooms. You didn’t have any interaction with like the people staying there or didn’t have much interaction with the other staff. So that was fine. And I could put the radio on in the room. But then I started working on reception and that’s when it was like, I had to answer the phone and I’m thinking, oh my god, how am I gonna hear what someone’s saying or listen to them or be able to talk to them if I’ve got voices going on in my head. So I’d get distracted and I’d make mistakes and I’d stop or like be ill and I wouldn’t come in for a couple of weeks. And people just thought, just couldn’t be bothered. They thought I was being lazy. And they always just sort of gave you that look like, you know, you’sre just weird sort of thing. And I remember my, the manager was awful. She used to say to me, if I put something on Facebook like, I don’t know, I’m sat in my room watching Disney films, she’d go like, oh, so you’sre not coming in tomorrow then, ‘cos you are depressed’s. And then I’d be like, no. And then I’d get to work and she would have actually got someone in to cover my shift, thinking I wouldn’t turn up. But I did. So she’sd just send me home and in the end I just thought, you know what, I can’t do it any more. And then like I didn’t work for a little while.

How did you let them know about the experiences you’d had?

Just told them.

So, verbally?

Yeah. I just

At the beginning, or?

Yeah, I went and spoke to someone, because – Again, it’s – If [sigh]. And this I, and I realise the irony of this word, this does sound a bit paranoid. Saying if you – if you go into a job and say “I hear voices sometimes, I might have to take a day off with it occasionally,”

Right.

People are going to probably have a lot less of a problem with it, than if like someone finds out from something you’ve put on the internet

Okay.

And say – and the rumour goes round the office and everyone says [whispering Did you hear about [so and so]?]. Yeah. And, which I think possibly people are – might do, so.

Yeah. Although, yeah, they say – well, a lot of people hear voices [laugh].

Yeah.

But, yeah.

But you know, people hate – people hate about other people the things they see in themselves, so.

Right, okay. So, did you tell HR then, or? I mean, did you do it in a formal kind of way?

No, I just did it – went and told someone.

A manager or someone?

Yeah, someone I actually liked and trusted. And said “Okay, well -.” And the same thing happened with the current job. I told someone, and they said “Okay, well these people need to know, because there need to be these people on the shift at one time.” Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Cool. So is that something you’d advise to other people? That it’s worth letting your work know, and?

I think if you can deal with the fact that people know. I think one of the biggest problems with this is people somehow feel ashamed. I think it’s with every medical condition, not just mental stuff. People think they’re going to be – people think people [sigh] – People think other people are going to think they’re weaker for it. When literally everyone on earth has something. And If, if you, if you can get to a place in your own head where you can deal with people knowing, honesty is the best policy I think. Because if you are – like me – quite aggressively brutally honest about it, then people are not going to think it’s as weird as TV would have them believe.

I have only had a job for part time weekend job for a year and a half. I think I have experienced psychosis at work. But they’re aware of it. So I feel like it’s a comfortable space so I can have time off if I need it. I can tell them that I, I need to leave.

That’s amazing. How did you kind of go—people listening to all of it looking at the website might be worried about, do I tell work or how do I tell them.

Oh yeah. That’s really interesting, because when I was speaking to my care coordinator with EIP they actually told me not to tell them. I was like, what do you mean? I have to tell them. What if something happens and then they let, they say I can’t keep my job, ’cause they don’t know what’s happening. But they said, the stigma is still there. So you wouldn’t want them to think that you’re incapable so I can understand why people would be reluctant to tell people. But I think it was a good choice to tell them. So, I think, I got given a medical form, medical questionnaire and you have to put down if you have any conditions or anything or medication. So I just put, popped it down on there and so I didn’t really talk to them too much about it.

And that just went on your file. And did anybody at work raise it or ask you, you know, about it?

Yeah, I got pulled aside by my manager to talk about it and they were just really great. Said, if there’s anything they can do let them know. They are there to support me and they wanna make sure I’m okay.

And how much info did you put on that sheet. So did you put a lot or did you just say, psychosis.

Yeah, I just put psychosis and depression and medication that I’m on.

Okay. Well done you. Do sort of colleagues and friends at work, do they know about it or was it just the management that you told?

Just the management, yeah.

Because you’re working full time now, yeah. Have they been quite understanding.

Yes, completely,

Has that been—do you think it’s important to be working as well?

I do think it is. I had a couple of months off. And, it’s not helpful to sit. You’ve got more time to yourself. More time to try and get through the day and you end up just counting the minutes until you can go to bed again. It’s no life. My manager and all of my sort of colleagues have been absolutely amazing and I really couldn’t have asked for any more. But it’s so important to have that understanding like if I need time off for therapy, I can have it. And I don’st have to feel like I have to hide who I am, because they can see it and they understand it. It is so helpful. If I want to go and cry at work, no-one’s gonna judge me for it. They are not gonna think any less of me. ‘Cause we all have bad times. And I think that’s important like, you never know what somebody else is going through, so you’ve just gotta be, that’s just kind, just in case somebody is having a bad day.

You know, working at quite a high-paced stressful job and doing fine. And intelligent and stuff. And then overnight it seemed to other people, I just kind of lost it. I think I had no kind of perception of what, how – what I was saying, how it was going to affect other people. So I would say things, like horrible things that I’d think in my head. Normally you would never say that to other people. But I just saying anything, because I just didn’t know that it would upset them.

So at what point did you think about kind of getting help from somewhere, or support?

In June, one of my colleagues took me to the GP. Kind of forced me into it, like they kind of stood outside until I went. And [laugh] made me sign all the forms and stuff [um], to register with one. And then the GP – at first, I kind of said, “Oh, I think I’ve got a problem with like low moods and suicidal thoughts.” And then it was months before I got any kind of idea that it might be psychosis. I think July I got, was put on antipsychotic medication. So it was quite a while of just kind of them thinking ‘oh, it’s just a standard case of depression, we’ll just give her antidepressants and she’ll be fine within a few months of having it.