Pancreatic Cancer
Telling family and friends
We spoke to people about their experience of talking to friends and family about having pancreatic cancer.
Breaking the news to family
After John (Interview 21) discovered that his wife had liver metastases as a result of cancer he...
After John (Interview 21) discovered that his wife had liver metastases as a result of cancer he...
Simon was with his wife when she received the diagnosis. They had to tell his parents that day...
Simon was with his wife when she received the diagnosis. They had to tell his parents that day...
Lesley found telling people awful. Her parents fell apart. Her partner, who was devastated,...
Lesley found telling people awful. Her parents fell apart. Her partner, who was devastated,...
Ann found it hard to tell her adult children that her cancer had come back. She felt that she had...

Ann found it hard to tell her adult children that her cancer had come back. She felt that she had...
I mean it’s interesting. I got the diagnosis on a Thursday, and all the children were meant to be coming and were coming at the weekend for a so-called fun run. I’m not sure they saw it as a fun run, because they had to run 10 kilometres, but it’s become an annual event. And so I didn’t really tell anyone apart from my husband and one or two other very close friends before that, because I wanted to tell the children. And I didn’t tell them until after the fun run. And after lunch I said to my three, or the other, they’re all married and got, two of them have got children, I wanted to just have a word with them. And of course the minute I said something and we were going, trying to find a room in the house where there wasn’t another child, or grandchild, they knew something was up. And I found it really difficult. Because I think one of the things about getting ill again is you, you know, you feel a failure in a way. You feel, it’s not that I feel I didn’t think my cancer away enough, because I don’t go along with all that. But you do feel you’re putting on others something which is awful for them to bear if it’s your children. And you feel you’ve failed in some way. I suppose one of the things is one’s f-, for me one of the important things about family life has been to try and make them happy, my sort of Jewish guilt of wanting them to be all right. And somehow to be, you know, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, recurrence of pancreatic cancer, you think, “Golly, you know, this is more than they should have to deal with, at this stage in their lives.” And so I felt terrible. But I, that bit was all right. I think it’s the realisation now, when one, talking to one on the phone or I, it suddenly catches me and catches them, that I feel, well, sad really, really sad, not depressed. And there is a big difference. Just really sad that I won’t see the grandchildren grow up.
Steve found it hard to tell his mother, sister and brother that he was going to die but decided...
Steve found it hard to tell his mother, sister and brother that he was going to die but decided...
Telling children the news was the hardest thing. Read more about telling children about a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
Most people said that family members were shocked and upset, but very supportive. Some people, like Peter did not have support. Peter had to cope with his illness without his wife’s support. A few people thought that relatives seemed to be ‘in denial’. Dorothy’s grown-up children helped her ‘make the best of the situation’. Once a stent had been fitted to relieve her symptoms she felt quite well. No other treatment was planned, so she and her children just ‘carried on as if nothing had happened’.
Audrey's husband and her three adult children were very supportive. They accompanied her to the...

Audrey's husband and her three adult children were very supportive. They accompanied her to the...
Peters wife seemed unemotional when he told her about the diagnosis. She never went with him to...
Peters wife seemed unemotional when he told her about the diagnosis. She never went with him to...
Breaking the news to friends
Peter told friends that he had a rare type of cancer and that although his prognosis was bad his...
Peter told friends that he had a rare type of cancer and that although his prognosis was bad his...
Most people’s friends had been very supportive too, especially if they had been through cancer themselves. Friends offered practical and emotional support. However, some friends found the subject embarrassing and had avoided them. Others recalled that friends had cried when they heard the bad news. Their emotions had been hard to deal with. People felt they had to support their friends, at a time when they needed the support themselves. Some said it could be harder for the ‘helpless onlooker’ to deal with the news than it was for the person who was ill. Sometimes other people’s reactions seemed more fitting for a death than for an illness.
Most of Alisons friends were supportive and offered practical help, but a few broke down when...
Most of Alisons friends were supportive and offered practical help, but a few broke down when...
I mean some people would not want to talk about it, be really practical, offer sort of, “What can we do? How can we help on a practical level?” and not want to discuss what’s been going on. Possibly because they didn’t want, didn’t know how to talk about it with you. Other people would, as I said before, would, would break down and, “I don’t know how you’re dealing with this” I found very difficult to take. And, you know, mostly though I found that people have been incredible, incredibly supportive, incredibly kind….. Yes, most people have been incredibly supportive, incredibly kind and ……Yes, I mean other people, I mean some people have been very practical with their help and don’t want to discuss it. I’ve had people even within the family who haven’t wanted to discuss any details. And that’s fine. But, on the whole most people have been incredibly supportive. A lot of them, especially friends of my own age, incredibly shocked. Most people expect you to have had breast cancer if you’re my age. So the pancreatic thing was just, “Where did that come from?” And they didn’t know an awful lot about it. And a few people, when I was diagnosed, looked it up on the Internet and they were very, very shocked at the statistics and, and were really fearing for, for me, though they didn’t say so at the time. No, they, they did.
When Hughs mother was diagnosed with cancer most of her friends were fantastic but others...
When Hughs mother was diagnosed with cancer most of her friends were fantastic but others...
Elaine thought that the situation was harder for her husband than it was for her because other...
Elaine thought that the situation was harder for her husband than it was for her because other...
I found that with me and people who knew me, it was fine. You’d just talk about it naturally and fairly matter of factly. And it wasn’t a sort of big roller coaster for me. But I think for my husband, he found it very difficult because so many people avoided talking about it at all, would even scuttle away down corridors, or cross roads. And he found that very upsetting. In fact I think the whole business really was harder for the onlookers like husbands and children, husband and children than, than for me. Because I felt I had the job to do to get better. And I have to say that at no stage actually, apart from the little bit of nausea and getting over a big operation, did I feel ill. And the other thing that people used to say to me, “I’m sorry; I hear you’ve been ill.” And I’d sort of say rather, “Yes, you know, I haven’t been ill. I’ve just had a big operation and I’m over it. And, you know, we’ll see what, see what happens.” But I didn’t feel ill, as I think a lot of people do. I wasn’t in pain.