Does it affect how you socialise, going to do hobbies, or?

Yeah. Yeah, because I’sve kind of got into a, a thought pattern now of, kind of because I’m not doing anything in particular, or anything big, or yeah, definitely affects me sort of like that. Because I have – not necessarily purposely, although maybe I have done, where I have sort of distanced myself from people and not – Because you don’st see people on a regular basis anyway, it’s kind of easier to sort of lose contact with people. And, yeah. [siren in the background] I’sve kind of not so much gotten to that point of giving up contacting people, but sort of just kind of like – you get that sort of ‘why bother’ type thing, and. Yeah, I definitely haven’st met up with people as much, or done social things for quite a few months really. For a while. With sort of the exceptions of graduating. But yeah, I definitely think it kind of affects relationships, as well.

Right.

I think it definitely affects your trust in people, and things like that as well. Yeah. I think it makes me sort of not do things, if you put sort of a simple term on it like that. It makes it a lot easier to say “I’sll just stay at home and do nothing, or just do this,” if I can’st be bothered to do something.

It makes it a bit easier to say no to people and stuff, you know.

Whenever I’ve had psychosis, I can’t concentrate on my work and I can’t concentrate socialising. You know, I mean the buzzing thoughts mean I can’t sit still. I can’t concentrate on conversation. Often sometimes the thoughts would be so concentrated fully on my head that I kind of will start reacting them. So, I would be talking to someone and suddenly my facial expression will start smiling or something and obviously becomes or comes across as a bit peculiar. It was just a bit frustrating, because obviously I kind of the only thing I really enjoy doing in life is kind of socialising and talking to people. And I go through periods when I’ve got psychosis and I kind of can’t really do that, which is quite frustrating. And I kind of like the people contact.

I think being out of it for a while can make it quite difficult to get back into it, if you get what I mean, yeah. And it’s quite frustrating when you are like you’ve had a psychosis episode and you know that lots of people have got to know each other in new accommodation and stuff and you’ve been out of it. So you kind of and they can end up assuming maybe he has been out of it because he’s not interested in getting to know us, if you get what I mean. Kind of feels like it’s too late, you know, over several months, he’s never talked to us and therefore he’s kind of maybe he’s not interested. Obviously, how do you communicate to people that I have just had a psychosis episode and I am interested and I am even if you did do that and can still be several months where you haven’t, where they’ve all got to know each other and you haven’t.

As I said, it’s quite, it’s quite frustrating knowing you’ve missed out on stuff. But it’s also quite difficult because you need to get like an episode and also you can develop anxiety you haven’t experienced before, because of that.

And I find big groups very difficult now. And my friendship group is really big. So it does kind of restrict a bit what I can do. Because actually a lot of the time what I want is for a friend to just come and sit with me. But what other people want to be doing is going out, and just kind of enjoying themselves, and. And also I think the lack of income kind of comes into it. Because if you’re out for a meal, and then everyone else is there just enjoying yourselves, and you’re thinking ‘that’s, you know, a fifth of my income this week if I have dinner with these people’, it does kind of change how you feel about going out.

And then some days it’s just too much effort to kind of get up and have a shower and get out of the house, and get to places on time. So I’m finding that people have to kind of force me along. So there’s a couple of friends that really feel quite strongly that it’s good for me to get out of the house and be around people, so I’ll kind of say “Oh no, I don’t think I’ll come.” And they’ll go, “Are you sure?” And then I’ll say “Yeah, yeah – I’m sure I don’t want to come.” And then they’ll turn up at my house anyway, and be like “Well, you’re coming.” [Laugh]. So “I’m here now, you’ve got to come.”

Yeah, it’s part of my plan. I mean I’sve had to tell so many people to go away, and that’s not the easiest thing to do. But then when all these people are your neighbours, it’s just like, you’sre just desperate to move. Because I’sll go to the shop and I’sll see like, Come for a can. And it’sll be like, Mate, it’s 8, it’s 8 in the morning. And then I’sll be like say, I’m not coming for a can. Oh, you think you’sre too good for us now, don’st you? It’s like, No, but I just ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Enough’s enough. Like, yeah, but.

So moving will be really good for you?

Yeah. And it’s, basically it’s still like [place name]. It’s quite near my mum’s house. Which is nice. I can get one bus into town, so it’s not too far out, but it’s basically in the countryside at the same time. And I’m just like, really love the idea of just walking around. And there’s some really beautiful walks round there.

So your mum and family will be nearby?

Yeah.

You’sll know, it’s not like you’sre in the middle of nowhere?

Nowhere, yeah. So I’sll know my way back into town and everything. I just need peace and quiet. I need peace and quiet like seriously.

Will you still be able to get to work and all your other..?

Yeah. Not as easily, but one bus. So it’s alright.

It felt like I was socialising better, and getting to talk to my friends that I’sd known for years. Most of them anyway. And like I always wanted to keep, keep in contact with them, because they were my friends at the end of the day. But it just got difficult. Then, they, then I started like going to the pub and drinking, not much, but just like a pint or two with them, and playing pool and staying out for longer. And it gradually helped. My friends did help a lot. And it was difficult, because they were smoking weed, like when I wasn’st, and that’s not, well at that time that wasn’st easy. But I’sve been in the same situation since then and I find it a lot easier now.

And what was it about your friends that helped?

Just talking to them again, but other things, like norm like football or music or something, not weed. That’s all we used to talk about really I’m not just weed.

That sounds familiar [laughs]. So you were mainly going down the pub, just having a couple of games of pool. That kind of thing?

Yes.

Did you go out to concerts. Football?

Not really no.

And how did it feel, you know, inside your head at that time when you started to go out a bit more?

Oh I thought it was helping a lot, and I’sd try and do it more often. I did. It did help a lot. Because I found that the more occupied my brain was, like the more I was talking to people, the more it helped. It was like blocking the voices out of my head. So that’s probably half of the reason it helped.

And did the voices die down when you were speaking and things like that?

When I was speaking, they were, not as apparent, because my attention was more on the conversation that I was having at the time. Rather than what was actually going on in my head. Yeah.

So they were sort of in the background?

Yes.

And I guess like he sort of, I’m lucky like I said like ’cause he sort of understands psychosis a bit. And sort of like knows how to sort of like, like how to handle me, in a sense. And doesn’t label me. That’s the thing like most people that I’ve been with before have sort of just sort of labelled me as crazy and psychotic, basically. And not really understood it and not wanna talk about it and not wanna deal with me or speak to me when I’m having a crisis. But, so I wasn’t really expecting like. When I first met him in November, I wasn’t really like expecting him to sort of wanna talk about it and stuff. But he was like, he still talks about it to me like it’s just a normal thing. He doesn’t sort of, which I think is a good thing, he doesn’t sort of like like make it like a big deal. He just sort of says, you know, that’s part of your life and it’s not part of his own. But, you know, and not everybody’s but you know, and that’s just something you’ve gotta deal with. But, I think that’s how he sees it. But he sort of looks past that like past the mental health problem and sees the person in me, not the issue, which I think is good. But, but it is like ’cause like ’cause I started talking to him before we actually got together, I started talking to him as friends and he’s just sort of helped me through it anyway. But it was just sort of like, it’s [exhales] I don’t, I don’t know like it’s hard to sort of tell the person that like ’cause I get like when I have like a really bad episode or something and I get a lot now on my own, especially. ‘Cause when my mum goes to bed early or like I’m down here on my own. I have to be on the phone to someone or to him just so I’m not alone, ’cause I start to think I sort of see things in the mirror and sort of freaks me out and I get paranoid and yeah.

Doesn’t end well. But so it’s just, it was a bit sort of difficult sort of saying to him, you know, this is sort of what’s wrong with me [laughs]. You know, I don’t, ’cause I didn’t want him to sort of like—’cause we got on so well like in the first time we met and stuff, ’cause he lives sort of two hours away from here. So, it’s sort of, the first time we met and that at the train station and that in [the local area]. I didn’t really wanna like say it straight away, because like I didn’t wanna ruin anything. But he sort of like found it out anyway, because like when we was like on our own and that and here and stuff and I started like freaking out and he like didn’t sort of, he knew it wasn’t anxiety, basically. He basically said to me, ”I know what’s wrong with you.’ Without me even saying anything, which I thought was you know, he used his head, basically. But yeah, so but I think not everybody is like that, which is what I’ve sort of realised like the past people that I’ve been with and stuff like the person like I said before like they just didn’t wanna know and didn’t wanna talk about it with me. Didn’t wanna talk to me when I was like that for a few days and basically said I was like faking it. Which, you know, but I’m sort of glad that I sort of found someone who looks sort of past that, but still helps me, you know.

I was with my ex-girlfriend – I got together with her when I was 16, nearly 17 at the time. Ooh. We broke, we properly broke up in September. I remember it was the 4th of September we broke up. And it was the 10th of September the brother drove me home. But I wouldn’t – It was a big part of it, but maybe it was the fact that I was in such a bad place, it wasn’t a good place to have a relationship and that’s why it broke down. But in those – in what was nearly four years, it was just over four years [sigh]. We, we, I think we broke up about four times, and got back together. Very destructive relationship.

The, the first episode of psychosis, I remember – it was very difficult for her, she was at university at the time. And, yeah. She’d, she’d do her best to come visit me in hospital. And geographically that was tough, because she was at uni.

But generally just the waves that, that I’m surfing on – I feel that in that relationship I sort of – my ex-girlfriend was on the, on the surfboard with me, riding those waves. And I think that’s – that makes for a very difficult relationship, when you know, you might, you might think to yourself, you know, ‘is this guy worth it?’ Is it, you know? On, you know – but also at the same time, I think [clears throat] if you’re in a relationship with, with someone with bipolar or with psychosis, you – you’re going to see a fantastic side of them, sometimes. When they’re on a high. You know, you’re going to get the whole package. But then at the same time you’re on a low. You, you can, you could say, you could say, “Oh, I love you.” And I’d turn round and go, “I’m not in love with you.” Or, I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t be able to show emotion when I’m, when I’m depressed.

So I think it’s very difficult. And the position I’m in now is, I’ve been single for – you know – five months. It’s been a little while. And I like to think of myself as happy being single. Because I’ve not got anyone that I’ve got to worry about.