She stayed on with me, she stayed with me for about six years all over, living with meAnd then she was accusing my other girlfriend to be responsible also. She was saying, no she is the one responsible.

So later we discovered that she was actually the one that was responsible. And how I came to know that, after she has left me, when my family came to join me, shes a friend toshe is the friend to the wife of my friend. So she revealed to the friend of my friend, to his or her own girlfriend, her own girlfriend as well.

So anyway she revealed to her that she was in that situation, that she had the HIVBut she didn’t tell them that she gave it to me because all along she has been denying that shes was responsible for this. So that was what happenedI feel very, very sad, in fact, I justI don’t think I can ever forgive that girl. I cannot. If I didn’t know the person that caused this to me, that’s a different thing.

But I, when I know the person that caused it, I mean if I knew it’s not just easy to forget about it, but, well, that is life. She has left my place, I’m on my own, I have my family, I am living well, living happily with my family.

I have done a very stupid thing because, when I had sex, I really do like to do sex without the condom and he said no. Because his last boyfriend for ten years their relationship, have died of HIV.

And he said, ‘No, I don’t want to. I said, ‘But why, because you are positive?’ He said, ‘No, I’m not positive. But I have been with someone that is positive for five, for six years. And I said to myself, never do sex without condom, and I don’t want this to happen again.

Then he asked me, it’s very funny because he asked, ‘What happened if you are, if you discovered that I was positive?’ So we didn’t have sex without a condom, I stayed very upset about that. Then I go back to London I said, ‘I will do some tests, to prove for you that I don’t have nothing, and I want to have sex without condom. And he said, he said, ‘Whatever you do, I will not do sex without condom. I said, ‘OK, but I will do this test anyway.

After two weeks I went to take the result And I never remember, I never forget .. they said, ‘Unfortunately, you are positive. This, this was the kind of thing that the, the world is stopped. And I said this guy that I wish I don’t speak English, not learning or don’t understand English, because I said, ‘Excuse me, are you sure that this is my test?’ I they said, ‘Would you like see?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I would like to see.

There the world is stopping there. I didn’t, you know, I didn’t remember nothing. Everything that I knew about HIV it’s disappeared. I just it is stopped. The whole world stopped. I just remember that I just was start to cry, cry, cry

When I was with a person I thought had lots of girls, I would want to use condoms. But then again it was difficult because back there, and even here with black men I would say, whenthey’re not very keen on condoms at all and it’s very difficult. They sort of talk you out of it, they’re not likethey don’t really, it’s not like they force you to do it, but they sometimes talk you out of it.

And you then feelas a woman, it’s very easy to start feeling thatcos you’re with a man, you want to please him or satisfy him, so you just want to do what he really wants you know. So yeah, that I found difficult. And also the fact that I couldI mean theyMy experience a few times I would say is when a black man doesn’t want to use condoms and the woman will saynbsp;

If I’m saying I want to use condoms, they can easily get, you know, spoil the mood and just turn off you know sort ofit’s difficult. Their mood could change as inyou know, and then maybe they’ll start complaining that you know, ‘I’m OK, I’m fine so why are you using condoms’ Cos again, they’re also ignorant about the risk as well, yeah.

Well at the time (of HIV diagnosis) it (sex) was obviously, it was kind of out of, out of the question really. And we had anyway more or less given up sex at the time. But I mean since then, since then pretty much we, we, we, we have given up sex, com, completely. I think mostly because of the risk involved. Which in a way it was quite it’s quite ironic because we, we were in a way, our relationship, our relationship was maturing in something more honest, closer. And perhaps was getting to a stage where we probably would have been able to have a’ a bit of a revival in this respect. But it’s’ it’s’ certainly in the first few months after my diagnosis there was too much going on to kind of think about that. Too much going too much going on’ Too much ri’ too much risk to think about, too many things to adjust to’ in our own, in our relationship, to kind of add this additional layer of, of complication in a way.

I still do have a sex life. It is’ I suppose what you would describe as, sort of one night stands or anonymous encounters.

I have found and I still find the most difficult thingThe mo- thing that I, I really find most difficult to deal with is not how I feel, it’s how the other person would feel. So I’m having a long term relationship at the moment foroh, it’s been in fact 2 or 3 years. And that’s very strong.

But the, the thing I find the worst is thekind of the sadness when they think about it. Or when I think about it. Theres that kind ofEven though my doctor has told me thatHe says, ‘You’re not going to die of this anymore. You know, you’re going to die of a heart attack or be run over in the street. It’s that kind ofIt’s thatIt is a, it is a ratherWhen I think about it, I find it, I find it rather sad.

And I’ve found that issue I do dodge a little. The sadness of the HIVI don’t actually like seeing things on TV about HIV when I’m with my partner. It just makes me feel like oh my God, how can Iwhy did Ihow did I become HIV? And how does it affect, you know, the person that I’m with? It’s upsetting them. Because, you know, they’re upset that I’ve got it.

I think it, it (using condoms) felt like it was an inhibition, there was an inhibition there because of that. But I mean there was sort of you know’ I mean it was actually at the time as well when it was first being discussed that in’ it was almost like a reward, that if you’re both HIV negative and you’re in a monogamous relationship your reward is that you can have unprotected sex. There you go, haven’t you been good. And we couldn’t have that reward. And I can remember he had a sort of HIV scare that he had sort of bad gums and his dentist said to him, ‘Oh you ought to go and get tested for HIV. And thinking on that level it would have made it easier if hed been, if the had been positive. I mean I’m very glad that it wasn’t, you know don’t get’ don’t get me wrong.

Yeah, there would have been no transmission worries and things like that.

Sometimes I am not interested in sex cosI sometimes feel weaker, yeah. Sometimes I just feel, I don’t knowmaybe I’m just wasting her time because I just don’t feel like enjoying it like the other days, the early days when I got involved, or the days when I was married.

It’s now very different. It’s just something that I willjust trying to make myselftry to enjoy or toto just fulfil the desire, but that sex is no longer enjoyable.

Cos once, one, the person I am sleeping with, she always try to look whether the condom is, the condoms are OK. You see, so something likeif she cannot just tell you that she does not trust you, but you can see from the reaction. So obviously my reaction also, I have a feeling that no, no, I could have this thing more enjoyable, but I can’t, just because of the status I have.

But anywayI always have different feelings. Anyway, as long as I am still alive, as long as I am having my treatment, I can live longer.

But I was always’ I always thought that it’s my responsibility to protect him. And the more I tried to like use safe sex, the more we used to fight and row. Because he didn’t’ just didn’t want to do it. Hed say he couldn’t get aroused using condoms. You know. But I used to insist. I just had to insist, you know. I mean we did oral and stuff unprotected and that. But, you know, when you tell someone till you’re blue in the face that they shouldn’t be doing it, and they just go ahead and do it anyway, where do you go from there? You know. But it did, did cause a lot of initially a lot of problems. Because I just didn’t want that on my conscience. I was dealing with my own shit in my own head, you know. I didn’t want his’ And he was enough He was high maintenance enough anyway [laughs]. You know. Without adding to it.