Everyones different. Don’t expect to find the answer on this website. But it might give you some clues. I think that’d be my advice. Because I mean I think I‚Ķ I mean certainly don’t expect that you will feel sad for 2 weeks, then‚Ķ throw yourself into work. And then come to terms with things. And then sort out your shit. And then be back on your feet again.

Whatever‚Ķ I mean don’t think that your experience is going to be the same as that person’s, that person’s, that person’s‚Ķ The only bad reaction would be to say, ‘Oh my God. And throw yourself off a bridge. Because then you’ve got no chance of doing anything after that. You know, that’s the only bad reaction, in a way. Which some people do. But just keep with it. And‚Ķ it won’t be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. But it could have some surprising results‚Ķ definitely.

And I said to the doctor at the time‚Ķ and the ward doctor was my HIV doctor at that point, because he was the head of HIV services and so he did the wards as well. I said, ‘What is the scenario here, what is the worst-case scenario here?’ And he says, ‘The worst case scenario is two months to live. And I thought okay, okay, what do I do here‚Ķ And I said okay now get me one of the counsellors, I need to speak to one of the grief counsellors, because when I was admitted, they do it as kind of a standard you know. You had‚Ķ if you needed to speak to you know a chaplain or a grief counsellor or any of those things‚Ķ any psychological support that you wanted and I have always said no. I’d been hospitalised before and I have said no, no, no I will deal with this with positive thinking. And I said no, get me a counsellor. And I think it was only the second time I’d ever cried over the situation. I cried when I got my AIDS diagnosis‚Ķ And I cried to that counsellor and I just have to accept the fact that at that point, it was quite likely that I would die.

It is quite a shift from hope of going out dancing just a few weeks ago…

Ugh hum. To moving into a new flat, and then bang and it being kind of‚Ķ Yes. I was angry as well obviously. I went back to the anger that I had got when I’d got my AIDS diagnoses. When I talked to the counsellor she asked me how angry I was. And I used some choice words. And it was‚Ķ Yes, it was, it was for me finally like okay this finally maybe the end. And I did that thing of actually getting in touch with people and saying come and visit me because I thought I don’t know, I don’t know whether this is going to be okay or not.

I think for anyone who is newly diagnosed, I think the fact is that they need information. And it’s not’ if they feel that they’re being preached at by someone, get someone elses advice. And if you’re not happy with the way your treatment is being given to you or your medication or medical advice is being given to you, go somewhere else. Theres always this attitude that if you’ve got a doctor or a GP and you’re not happy with what they’ some people just feel they have to sit there and take it. If you’re not happy with your GP or your doctor at your hospital, move. There is nothing stopping you, there is nothing in this country to stop you moving your healthcare to anywhere else.

I’m just trying to come up with some kind of little nutshell really for anyone who’s just sort of been diagnosed really. The main thing is just to remember who you are. Don’t forget where you’ve come from, your family, your friends and things like that. And don’t lose sense of where you are going either’ Keep focus because HIV can take you over. If you just focused everything, you know, all your energy on HIV, I think it could overrun your mind as well as your body. But if you stay focused and know exactly what you want out of life, and a lot of people don’t know what they want out of life, regardless of if you’re HIV or not. But I think it’s a time to take stock, to sit back, think about what you want, and get on with it.

Some people I know, HIV is part of their life and it almost becomesIt becomes part of your identity in a way. Be it the people that they hang out with, the only sexual partners they’ll have. The, you know, the tattoos on their body. It’s allIt’s very much they are, they are in that.

But they, they’re HIV, and they’re almost like a professional HIV person. Like it becomes a key part of their life and their identityAnd I justLike I said, with the, with the drugs, I forget I’m taking them. I just like take them automatically. The way I put my lenses in or brush my teeth. It’s becomes part of my life and it justI don’t think about it.

I thought it would have more impact on my life when I was diagnosed. You know, I was thinking, oh, you know, it’s going to be changes and this and that. And then I found that it, it wasn’t. I didn’t, I didn’t need toYou knowAll my friends know and stuff, but it just isn’t an issue. Especially now since my health has stabilised.

It’s not a disability. It’s not a disability. I’ve got 2 legs. They move. How am I’ How do I have a disability compared to the person that’s in a wheelchair? They can’t walk. I’ve got everything. I’ve got my faculties. Everything works. May not be working in the order I want it to work in, but the point is it works. So get out there and do something. I mean that’s, that’s the only way. You’ve got to, you’ve got to get yourself into that right frame of mind. You’ve got to think of your future. You’ve got to think of the things that you’ve always wanted to do. Especially for the people that are recently diagnosed. They should think of the things that they’ve always wanted to do and haven’t been able to do it. And decide, right, they’re going to do it. Put a fra- time frame on it. And get out there and do it.

And not to just look at yourself as, [squeaky voice] I’m sick, I’m going to die. Were all going to die. Yes, I’ve got HIV, I’m HIV positive. You might be negative. But you cross the road, you die. 10 years down the line lane down the line, every time I walk past that sight, I realise, oh, that’s where Damien died. But I was supposed to die before you. No, I wasn’t. We all got our time.

Well simply be of good heart. I mean, nowadays it is possible to live a good life, a reasonably full life. And certainly I was working for a number of years before I was overcome by the effects. You have to expect that there will be occasional surprises and some rather unpleasant ones but I’ve my experience has always been that I’ve always been able to overcome the nasty symptoms by simply traipsing back to the clinics and obtaining the appropriate medication. I mean the I have been fortunate in that respect. And certainly without the medication I’d be dead, I would have died some years ago.

So the nasty surprises don’t have to blow you out of the water is what you are saying?

No, I mean it’s easier to say that than it is to actually, you know, put into effect at that time. But you, I think if you have a frame of mind whereby you’re prepared for disasters, potential disasters brewing up, and then perhaps you’re not prone to be quite so surprised. It’s easier once it’s happened once or twice to you’ you know, the third or fourth time it happens you’re not quite so bad. The first time or the first couple of times it can be a bit dramatic, it’s true. But I mean, you just have to accept that life is going to throw up more unpleasant surprises quite by random and without any explanation and quite often without any warning. And you just have to be prepared to deal with it.

We laughed about it, and people look at us’ ‘Why are you laughing?’ We said but if you don’t laugh, you go mad. Laughing is important, have fun you, if you don’tWell I don’t know it, just, you can’t wipe it out of your mind, you see what I’m sayingShe [my wife] had to wear gloves and you know the sterile conditions and all that lot. And I mean you did, you laughed at ityou neverdid you ever think you were going to end up a nurse?

Do you see what I’m saying, you never trained to beBecause you couldn’t have, it was an open thing, you couldn’t afford to be infected at all because that would cause a lot of problems. And then you had to ensure that you gave him his medication on time, the other medication he was going through. You’re literally in and out of hospitals you knowhe had to be checked up all the time.

But with medication, it works. The medication works and you know, theres hope. People just need to realise that once you’re infected with HIV it doesn’t go away, so theres nothing much you can do about that.

The most important thing is now to live with it and try to fight the disease and be positive and strong.

And a lot of it’s to do with the mind as well I think, yeah, cos I think if you have a positive mind you’re determined not to let it get to you and get you ill. And you’re determined to get better or stay well, then that will happen. But if people allow it to depress them then it doesn’t help because when you’re depressed then it will affect your CD4 count.

My hope is for people to be more understanding, more open you know. I wish I was in a society that I could tell them freely and they will try and see it from the other side. Because I mean I wasn’t any more promiscuous than any of my friends that I know of. We all did the same things you know, I mean some of those we shared the same people at different times, you know.

So I wasn’t any different. So if they can understand it can happen to anybody. And it’s not something that should be stigmatised you know. If people can talk about it more openly and exchange ideas you know, that can only help.

But it’s so difficult because you, you try to introduce the subject, they don’t want to talk about it. So you feel, yes you are talking to the brick wall you know. So that is, it’s very frustrating that aspect. So I just wish they can be more understanding and you know more open about it.

But after you’ve failed one a few drug therapies’ And if you don’t achieve undetectable viral load, ultimately sooner or later that therapy is likely to fail. Then the drug regimes do become more complex. And one of, one of the medications that I take is 4 large capsules twice a day. And I know people who are on heavier drug combinations. I currently take, I think I said, 22 tablets a day. Of which the majority are antivirals. And I think’ one is for cholesterol, one is for lipids’ And I think there might be a multivitamin in there as well. So, so basically 19 tablets a day which are antiviral drugs.