Because to us when we got married we were married for life and that’s all there is to it. And so now it’s a matter of figuring out how to make it work and not every marriage has that. You know, they, they seem to think that there’s an escape clause somewhere, but we’ve never had that and, you know, we set down certain rules within the scope of our marriage to make sure that it never happens.

So when the brain injury comes, you know, to us it’s not any different than one of us being sick and the other one filling in for what they have to do until that time lapses. Because as I say, most people, number one, they can’t stand the change in the person, because there’s a very definite change, especially in any kind of brain injury, people have been operated on, or have suddenly developed a tumour or that type of thing. There’s an absolute change in the personality of the person. And so the person you married is not the person you have. And because you’re not, there’s an attitude of well I can get out of this, or you get so exasperated that you need to get out of this or you think you need to get out of it, because you can’t handle it. It destroys marriages. We just didn’t have that, you know, so we just, we had to learn how to get over the obstacles. I would have to think this bothers her. She can’t do that, she used to do it, she can’t do it now, what she’s doing is not, is not appropriate, like one time when her behaviour has not been well, so we have needed to discuss that, and you know, how do I discuss it? You know, in a manner that, that doesn’t disturb our relationship, knowing that that she’s, you know, and she’s no different to most of us. I mean most of us, somebody tells us there’s something wrong with us, our first thing is no it’s not I’m perfect, you know. So you have to learn how to do that, or learn how to come back to the situation sometimes two or three times until you get to this point where it’s recognisable and then we can do something about it. So that, you know, we survived because we had no choice but to survive and as I said I think a lot of people just have this feeling that they can do whatever they have to do if they can’t survive in the situation they are in. But we all survive situations. No matter how bad things are, unless you’re dead, its survivable, and the only people that don’t, the only people that don’t survive, or when other people don’t get up and drag in, that’s very simple.

My wife is my wife. She’s not my carer or my GP. And I think we made a very conscious decision to have it that way. And I think it’s certainly for my relationship, trying to retain as much as you can of the normal relationship. Certainly with my wife I think it’s been very important to do that. So no, I have somebody who’s my GP. And my wife does not get involved with my care, especially not my bowel or my bladder management.

And why is that?

Because I thinkwell first of all she doesn’t want to. I mean it’s not very pleasant. And I think it’sshe doesn’t want her relationship to be one whereby I am dependent on her, and she feels responsible for looking after me 24 hours a day, which I think is the way both of us prefer it.

As many people split up as stay together in my circumstance. I was 25 years old and we split up about a year or so after my accident. Very young. Very screwed up at the time because of it. Kind of glad now that we did. But probably not at the time. Obviously at the time it was like oh my God. What the hell am I going to do? Never going to have a girlfriend. So yeah. Good relationships get stronger and better out of it, and relationships that clearly have fault lines before it will probably split up. And I don’t think there’s any one rule that says oh yes, you’ll stay together, and no you won’t. I think it’s very much based on your own individual relationship. And, at the age of 25, I suppose she probably didn’t see herself sticking by me, because she probably also thought that I was going to be as I was then always. And I clearly am not that person I was one, two years post injury. So, on reflection she probably made a good call because I was probably a bit of a mess one or two years post injury.

In the long term she probably made a bad choice because I’ve gone on to sort myself out and be far more capable and independent and get my life back. I kind of know the answer to that, because, stuff I don’t want to talk about, but I know I have gone on to bigger and better things and I have had many girlfriends since, so And also those girlfriends that have been with me post-injury only know me as I am now. So in some ways it’s easier for them, because they accept me up front for what I am. So yeah, so don’t rule out relationships. That’s for sure.

And Jamie at the time of your injury you weren’t living here were you?

No.

No okay so how did you go about finding this place?

Well darling, basically, my ex-girlfriend who I was going to marry basically has got married to another guy who I played pool with and who was supposedly my best friend. But darling no worries. They got married now, that’s fine.

Okay. And so your ex or your girlfriend at the time…

I am pleased.

You are pleased.

Do you know why?

Why.

For her to remarry that’s better, far better than looking after me.

Why do you say that?

Why do you think?

I don’t know.

Well I loved her so much that I wouldn’t want her to go through too much by looking after me and darling her brilliant Dad bought her a new flat which could happily have a, which was happily large enough for the wheelchair to go in.

I would say on the relationship thing. I mean my partner was killed. I very much loved him. We were going to live together for the rest of our lives and everything. And I think it took me a long time to, I was at an age where I knew all my friends. Had met all the men that were likely and all that. And I decided to do internet dating because I think I wanted to meet somebody. I didn’t know if I wanted to live with anybody again, but I certainly wanted to meet somebody and there wasn’t anybody out there. And I just think don’t be frightened of internet dating. If you work at it, if you do it well, you protect yourself, don’t give any personal information out until you know you’re ready for it, you, you know, you can meet somebody and life can be I mean when you reach your mid 30s all your friends are married with they’ve got young children. You know, what, yes, what do you do about it? Anyway I’d say don’t be frightened about internet dating as long as you take care.

Is there anything else you want to talk about in terms of relationships?

it’s a really sensitive subject for a lot of people, and it all comes back to confidence. And you don’t have any confidence when you acquire a disability. it’s completely shattered and it’s disappeared and gone. But you can get it back but you need, you need to form a relationship with somebody that you can openly talk to and communicate with. If you can have kind of complete openness then I’ve got plenty of my mates that are in relationships. I’ve just come out of one after six years. But their relationships are just as strong, just as solid as an able-bodied person’s relationship. But you do need to be with someone that can talk. And talk through all the complexities that you have as a disabled person.

And if you can do that then you’ll have a great relationship. Chair becomes in some ways irrelevant. But if you can’t talk about stuff your relationship is just doomed, it’s doomed from the outset, because you’ll conceal things that need to be discussed. And you can go on to a full life if you do. I know plenty of people in 20, 30 year relationships and chair users. SoI think it’s harder, I think it’s more complicated and you need a more understanding other half, but it can be done. I’ve seen it being done, so I know it’s possible. So yeah, just bear with it. Things aren’t always going to be as they are at this particular moment when you’re first injured. Things do get better. Things do adjust, and you get your confidence back.