Yeah and Iand I remember my friend saying to me, “I need you to know, you know that” and she goes, “I don’st want you to be hard on yourself because I know what your like.” She was like, “But you can see what happened, you know this, that and the other, and this is, you know; don’st be hard on yourself, just” and that’s what I needed and that’s why I needed like the counsellor and the therapist she was brilliant. She was, you know just kept reassuring me. It was funny, as at the time I just wanted to be surrounded by women because they were just kind and just really like, “It’s OK, it’s hard, no-one will tell you how hard it is.” It’s kind of like until you’sve been through even having a baby that’s when you know. And yeah. So, you know a lot of people supporting and saying just, “Be easy on yourself, be kind; be kind to yourself.” And I was I’m such a strong person. I’ve got to be strong; I’ve got to be strong.

And did you discuss it at work?

Yeah, yeah you know I not because obviously I was like not off work, not expecting to be on paternity leave; it was like just running into Christmas, so the general thought was at some point in the Christmas period I’ll have we’ll have the baby and then I won’t come back into the new year. And then so suddenly it was all action but I was ringing in saying, “I’ve got to go up to the hospital; pick Mairi up because she was unwell last night but” and then you’re ringing in like a bit later saying, “I’m not going to be in at all,” or, “I won’t be in tomorrow,” and then you know. So, like obviously people are aware that this has been something that hasn’st necessarily been unplanned and all that. So, yeah I explained yeah quite freely actually.

I work with like 90% guys to be honest, and so I don’st think they necessarily had a great depth of knowledge about what it was, but you say, “Oh it’s like pre-eclampsia.” “Oh my sister had that,” and you know it’s the usual thing. So, yeah but I’m happy to share those things…

What was your first inkling that something was sort of medically going wrong?

I feel a little bit bad, but it wasn’st probably until the morning that she was diagnosed and then we had the baby a few hours later, so like I said there were four or five days where she started to look really quite uncomfortable. I still feel I had it in the back of my mind that this is probably to be expected. So although she’sd gone into hospital five days beforehand or four days beforehand and they’sd sort of done a few things. And they noticed some high blood pressure and a few other anomalies, she was, I was still sort of thinking at the back of my mind, well that’s probably to be expected, that’s fine. And the day before we had our baby she was in hospital again, and I think it was you know, she had a couple of things like, well they noticed the high blood pressure again, and they were deciding whether to put her on medication for that and I think they noticed a few things like some traces of protein in her urine. And a few other details like that. But still none of it, I’m not very medical at all. But a lot of these types of things sort of sounded quite normal. You know, I don’st know about protein in the urine. But I’m sort of thinking oh okay traces of protein in the urine, high blood pressure, yes, okay. That seems not fine, but you know, that doesn’st sound like an emergency yet.

I mean one interesting thing that I did discover on reading is this hereditary issue you know, that my mum my mum, you know sort of suddenly said, “Oh well maybe I had pre-eclampsia when you were a baby actually,” you know, she said, “But it was called something else then,” and I, you know and I hadn’st sort of connected that up and stuff like that and, you know so I hadn’st sort of realised that I might be a sort of more of a high risk person because I understand that, you know you can be a bit more high risk if your female relatives have also had it.

They were very good actually. They, they told us about, you know, obviously they can’st speak in specifics until a baby’s born, but they, they gave us information about a baby born at 29 weeks gestation, you know, the main concern that we have is for the lungs. I’sd had steroids already to already to address, you know, to certainly try and address that issue. They explained to us about some of the likely medication and machinery that, that you’sd probably have to go on and you know, how they would sort of deal, deal with the baby in theatre and then take her away and that sort of thing. So, and actually that was really good, because when, I didn’st see her for quite a while, because they wouldn’st let me off of the delivery suite. But when my husband went upstairs and they were using terms like, oh this is the CPAP machine’s, he knew what that was and why they were using it. He already knew that and although it was still a big shock for him to see, you know, our daughter in that sort of situation, he did understand what everything was, and why it was there. So I’m really glad that we had someone come and speak to us actually, because, I would, I think otherwise I would have just been completely freaked out and you know, what’s going on, sort of thing. But because they’sd talked to us about what you know, a baby at 29 weeks gestations is generally what their condition generally is, it wasn’st such a shock.

And have you got any messages for healthcare professionals caring for patients with pre-eclampsia or HELLP?

Just to be as honest as possible especially if the patient’s asking questions. Had it not been for Stephen really pushing the doctor on the Friday night, the day after, as to how ill I was what were the expectations, I don’st know that we’d ever have been told any of that information but I distinctly remember him pushing to say, “Right, tell me what is wrong with my wife; tell me what the long term effects is this long term, is it short term?” And actually if you knew again it might just be my working in a way but I can manage if you tell me how long I’m going to be in this situation. And I know it’s a bit of an unknown but if they were able to say to me, “This is what normally happens, and this is what we’d expect in you to happen, happen to you,” then that’s easier to deal with than just having being told nothing.

And it was that lack of information. I think looking back again they were probably waiting to see what was going to happen. But you know if they’d told us that they waiting to see what was going to happen, that would have been more beneficial than just not hearing anything.

And what was the role of your husband in all this? So, it must be a very challenging situation?

Yes, yes. He did ask about the blood pressure; what should it be. He kept a very close eye on it. He would answer a lot of the questions on my behalf and I’d correct him [laughs]. He didn’st actually look at the consent papers I don’st think, that was given to me which is right but equally I don’st think I was really in the right position to sort of digest it properly, but at the same time what options what are there? They can’t my husband shouldn’st be reading and signing on my behalf, and unless I didn’st want to go ahead with it there was little option other than to sign it.

In operating theatre I’m very thankful that he was allowed to be in the operation theatre; I don’st whether that’s standard but he made sure that I just focused on him and he kept me peaceful, rational, calm to the point where even when they cut me open and my son was delivered, I was still my husband was still talking to me and I was just focusing on his words.

When I left the room there seemed to be at least ten people in there, and I got the impression that you know, one or two more might be coming in as well, so I didn’st, that didn’st panic me, but I was sort of surprised that we needed to have that many doctors or medical staff in there for the actual operation.

And how long where did you go during?

I went back down the hallway to the preparation room that we’sd been in for the previous four or five hours.

Okay and how long did you have to wait there?

It was probably, 20, 25 minutes and one of the doctors had come in and told me that everything was okay. He was a sweet old man, he’sd offered to take a camera into the operating theatre to take some photos for the birth. So that was nice. So he came in, initially after may be 20 minutes and sort of said. Everything seems to have gone okay. And I think he brought me one photo. No he brought back my digital camera, that’s what he did. He brought back my digital camera so I got to have a look at a couple of photos of our boy on the back of the camera, and then, I think he went away again. And so I spent some time looking at those. He came back with a printed out photo of our boy. So I think they must have had another camera that they took a photo of, and then he went away again, and then he came back a third time. So this was probably getting close to 40 minutes after I’sd left the operating room. He came 40 minutes later saying that there’s, the family down the hallway’s missing someone. So got to walk back down the hall way and went in to see my partner cuddling our baby boy.

Alex came out and they gave him straight-, they wanted to give him to me but they gave-, I said, No, give him to Stephen; I desperately-, I was worried they were going to start thinking I didn’st want him and I was desperate to let them know that I did want him, but because of the way my hands were sitting-. And I remember them giving him to Stephen and the two of us were just really ecstatic. It’s funny because we didn’st cry, and I remember we both had a conversation, Do you think we should we have cried at that?” and I think just-, at the whole kind of emotion of what was going on, I think we were just relieved it was-, that he was there; he was healthy, he was happy. They said he was perfect; there was not one thing wrong with him. So actually by that point we weren’t that-, we weren’t that fussed. It was all-, it was quite nice after that.

Certainly as soon as he was born, the first few days, I probably felt quite strange and odd. When I was looking at him, I thought, oh this is a gorgeous baby, but it wasn’st really hitting me that it was my baby. So I’sve thought about that a little bit. I’m not really sure what it is. Was it the shock of suddenly waking up one morning to get a text message from my partner, saying that we’sre having a baby? Was it the fact that I couldn’st be in there for the birth? I’sve thought about that quite a bit, because I was thinking, oh I don’st know if that’s significant or not, but you know, beforehand I hadn’st given the birth a great deal of thought, but I’sd always sort of visioned that, you know, I’sd be in with my partner, helping her, and then the baby would pop out and there are the three of us would be together. So what actually happened in reality was quite different. I was waiting in a room down the hallway, for a doctor to come and tell me it had happened. So, I don’st know if that was sort of part of it. Yes. And then there was also the feeling, of like I described earlier when you were in the neonatal area, and you’sre picking up a baby that’s got lots of wires connected to it. You just sort of feel like, I don’st know, you’sre a little bit restricted or It was only once we really got to bring him home, and then just the shock had sort of worn off, well not worn off, but you know, we got over that, and then it was, a lot more enjoyable, once we’sd got to bring him home.

How did you find bonding with her after after the initial couple of days?

I think I would have found it difficult had it not been for my mum being there encouraging me, putting her in my arms every day. Every morning, she would come into the ward, as if she was coming to work, my mum would be there, eight o’sclock in the morning and they were saying, No, no, it’s not time for visitation. She’sd say, I need to come in. So they’sve got used to her and they would let her in [laughs] and she’sd be there with her flask of hot tea and she’sd come in and she would say, How are you? And I would say, Fine. And before I even finished, I’m fine, she’s picking up the little one and she used to change her, sponge her and massage her. That’s what I remember. She used to massage her every morning, massage her with oil all over. She says it’s good for the baby’s limbs to stretch and then, when she’s wrapped her up, she’sd put her in my arms and say, right, there you go.

And, but then Michael was fabulous, amazing. And he said to me, You know, I think having a kid, like, its like a barbecue, everyone has an opinion on how to cook a barbecue, you know. But pretty much, most of the time, everyone can cook a sausage, even if someone said, do it like this or do it like that. And I was like he’s so right, it is. Because you could hear all the nurses on the neonatal unit saying to each, even they didn’st agree on the right way to do things, and so we were there sort of feeling all thumbs, because we’sd never changed a nappy before and every nurse told us a different way to do it and all the rest of it. And, and that to me was stressful, because I felt like I was doing it wrong, you know, and that sort of thing, and when Michael said that, I went, You know, you’sre totally right actually, there’s no perfect way to change a nappy. Get over it. Just do it. Don’st worry about it. So that was really good. That made me feel a lot better actually and made those, the rest of those, you know, we had another two weeks of going to the unit every day to see him, while waiting for him to be ready to come home. So that made that much easier [laughs]. The barbecue.

And [partner’s name] kids were young and at nursery and school and I just thought, ‘I can’t have your kids here I’m sorry, I just I cannot risk making our daughter ill.

So, the first month we didn’st see his children, and after a month she was still very ill but I don’st think it was quite as worrying, so the kids got in to see her then.

It had an impact on them. Usually when a baby’s born there’s a big celebration, you know everybody’s happy. Imogen came along and there wasn’st that. It wasn’st a happy occasion, it was a worrying occasion. In the August we had a party for her a naming day ceremony not for it wasn’st for Imogen it was for everybody else. It was for everybody that had been affected; we had a party and a disco and a buffet and we had a really good day out in the local club, and it was kind of like introducing her to everybody because obviously nobody had seen her because she was so fragile. And for us, to actually celebrate that, you know we’ve had a baby. And not only did we have a baby, we had a baby that really wasn’st given good odds and is alive and kicking. She was still on oxygen and everything, but but we needed that.

And how has your husband been?

I actually think, although I went through it all, and our daughter went through it all being in hospital, I actually think in some ways it was harder on him, because he just, he just tried to do everything that he could to, you know, try and make it as easy an experience as possible. And he was brilliant at the time. I remember about two days after our daughter was born. He said to me, I think I need to have a really, really big cry. And he’s never actually had that. And I think as time’s gone on he doesn’st really think about it any more whereas I do. So when I sort of say to him, what happened here, here and here its always like it’s a bit of an inconvenience to him, because he sort of things, well why are you thinking about that? You know, why don’st you just move on and think about, you know, how she is now and that sort of thing.

So I thought my husband could stay with me after giving birth. Oh my god the moment when they said he needed to leave, ah that was just the worst honestly. I’ve got a baby who’s not feeding; I’ve not slept for 24 hours; I’ve just been through labour. My hand’s twitching for some reason I think where I ripped the drip out it was like spasming.

I was just like oh and I tried to go to the toilet for the first time and I was sat there on the toilet and the midwife came in and said, “Yeah your husband needs to leave now,” and I was like, “He’s not going anywhere,” and they were like, “Look, you know rules are rules, he’s got to leave.”

And he left apologising. I was still on the toilet trying to use the toilet. I’ve got a screaming new-born in the other room. I just thought, ‘I’m in hell, I’m in actual hell right now. And I phoned my husband both nights crying, begging him to come and get me from the hospital. “They’re insane, get me out of here,” and he was probably thinking, ‘You’re the insane one, you’re staying put,’ you know.

And what about your partner how did he cope while you were in hospital, and ?

Well he was brilliant, actually. You don’st know what people are made of until they’sre put in a position like that. He was still going to work. Still visiting the baby in neonatal. Still coming over to, to see me in Intensive Care and High Dependency, you know, bringing me books and sweets and things that I’sd never eat, and never read. But it was the thought that counted, you know. He did all the practical stuff. You know, he cancelled all my appointments. He phoned people. He let people know. He just rallied people together and actually his parents were amazing, because they cleaned the house. So I got back, you know, the vacuuming had been done, and well there was no washing up in the sink to come home to, and Yes. Its what you need.

It was difficult and I would say as I said we were lucky that my husband is self-employed. He can juggle work; he doesn’st have to be at a certain place at a certain time; he can sort of delay things somehow. He obviously still has to work. My in-laws live in-between us and the hospital, so they helped out with the driving. My daughter then used to go to nursery so that helped somehow. But it’s just obviously me seeing her I can only and she’s not allowed on certain times of the day in SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit); she’s only allowed an hour possibly; the visiting time is different for siblings. So, she can only come at a certain time of the day, and obviously that will have to impact on the time that my husband can take her.

And as well she’s a bit, ‘Why are we in here?’ Yeah, so it was difficult with the logistics. It was more difficult, it was I think it was more difficult for my husband because he was doing everything basically.

I was in hospital just caring for my son who was on special care, whilst my husband is caring for my daughter, doing the pick-ups, thinking ahead of driving to the hospital, or picking up my daughter from nursery and all that, and he’s obviously in charge of the house as well.

So, what yeah so it was difficult. And then when I got discharged that was became a bit more difficult easier in some ways that I was sleeping in my own bed but knowing that I’m 30 miles away from my son.

If you’re like me and keep things to yourself because you don’st want other people worrying it’s a lot on your shoulders.

And I think that’s maybe where I went wrong. I think I maybe should have sat down and said to people, “This is how I’m feeling.” With my mum my mum casts up at me that I didn’st let her come and visit me. She’s not a clue, not a clue. I was lying there fighting for my life Mum, I really couldn’st be bothered if I’m honest. She she Imogen was born on a Monday and my mum gets annoyed I didn’st let her see her till the Tuesday. It was like, “Mum I hadn’st I hadn’st seen my baby; I’m not going to let you see my baby before me,” you know. So, I think, you know maybe I should have sat, or someone should have sat my mum down and spoke to her and said, “Look,”you know I don’st think she really realised she might lose me. I don’st think that had entered into her head. You know she just thought I, you know she didn’st realise actually I wasn’st able for a visitor you know. But when somebody comes to visit you, you try and sit up and you know, I just couldn’st do it.

It’s funny because I think a lot of people don’st really know how to act. We didn’st get a lot of cards for a long time, and one thing that I see from all my other friends that have babies, is all the cards, you know, that arrive all of a sudden. A lot of people didn’st want to send cards. When we sent out the sort of text message sort of saying we had the baby, again a lot of people’s reaction was, Do I say congratulations or don’st I?’s Is this a good thing or not, sort of thing?’s And even when we would see people, you know, some of our closest friends were, sort of kept their distance a bit, because they weren’st sure how to act. And people weren’st sure what they could do to help. So I think we just sort of tried to carry on as normal, and yes, a lot of people were very unsure about how to be. We actually, about ten days after she was born, we actually had a sort of family engagement and quite a lot of people kept their distance. It was strange actually, because some people really kept their distance, whereas others were like, wow, what happened blah blah blah? And yes, it was very strange, that the people closest to us may be kept their distance and the people we didn’st know so well, wanted to know everything about what had happened.