So I think that I delivered him at about twenty past eight in the evening and I couldn’st get to see him till about two in the morning I think it was. So, normally we would want mums to like express and everything like that, but for me I just, like I said, I was just so tired and out of it, I kind of I slept for a few hours; I then had a shower, got myself a bit sorted, and actually my husband and my mum went down to see my son at about ten o’clock, so a couple of hours afterwards. And then I went to see him at about two. It was just very weird because you’sve got this child that’s in a plastic box and you know them but you don’st know them – it’s a very strange feeling and I didn’st get to hold him until the Monday morning, and I didn’st even ask really; they just went, “Do you want to hold him today?” and I was a bit shocked and so it was, yeah Monday like 11 o’clock, and I remember being really hungry because I hadn’st had breakfast, and I’d missed lunch because I just I just want to hold him for hours, and I cried I just cried because that for me then was when I met him, and you know that was the realisation then that I’d had a baby. And unfortunately my husband had had to go back to work, he couldn’st because we were going to save his two weeks paternity for when I had come home with my son. So, that was really hard because I sat there and I cried and it was an emotional time, but I was on my own and so I couldn’st really share it with anyone, whereas I imagine that if you have your baby and you get given your baby you get to have that connection as like a family but we didn’st get that for, you know, until later on that night when my husband then got to have a hold. But yeah that was it was really hard yeah.

I went up to see her in the wheelchair and I was ill, I was really ill. I shouldn’st have been there. I just kept thinking, ‘I’ve got to see her in case she dies. I just want to see my baby. So I’d seen her and they said, “You can’t hold her but you can cup her.” So, I pushed the wheelchair in and I just sat with my hands on her head and her little bum, and I was there for about half an hour, and I was so ill. They took me back down and I just remember thinking, ‘I have to get out of intensive care,’ because once you’re on the ward you can come and go as you please, but intensive care they obviously don’st like you just get up and go up the stairs. And so I went to see the nurse and she said, “We’ll see how you are tomorrow.” So, I rested all day and my mum came in and my other daughter came in and I tried to warn them what they were going upstairs to see because they’re so small you just nothing can prepare you for that. You can see as many pictures and you can read as many books as you like, but nothing prepares you for a baby that size.

So, I the nurse said, “Come on,” the next morning, “we’ll get you showered.” So, I went and showered and I fainted. It’s just so hot the showers are so small; it’s an old hospital and I fainted, and I said to her, “Look it’s the heat.” My kidneys still obviously weren’t working and I was still overheating all the time. But she spoke up for me with the doctor and said, “Look, you know she really wants to go upstairs.” So they put me upstairs, and the nurses, they’d kept my room for me. So I was still outside the nurse’s station, and it was good because when you’re up there you can come and go as you please, and they helped me express milk for her and obviously my body wasn’st ready for that, I was only 27 weeks pregnant; I was ill; it was a shock.

When he got home I mean the bonding, you know it did sort of start to get much easier once he got home. I was still very, very worried but, no it did happen, it did happen once he started to get home. And once he got big enough to , to get to go into a sling, you know we had a baby boy sling it’s the best thing I’ve ever had and it’s what I’d recommend to all new mums particularly, you know with that kind of worry. So, once he was big enough for that both me and his dad used to carry him around the whole time, and we had a lot of well-meaning relatives who told us that we needed to put him down and we were, you know teaching him poor habits by carrying him around all the time. But you know I thought, ‘Well, given that we missed all the first weeks I think he deserves to be carried around for his first year’s.

She was born at quarter past eleven and I wasn’st able to go and see her until half past four. They wouldn’st let me off the ward because my blood pressure was still bad. when they eventually did let me off the ward, I had to go with a nurse, and my husband obviously, and I was only there for ten minutes. So that was a very, it was really difficult actually because I was still on quite a lot of medication. I was, my hormones were all over the place and I was very emotional. And then obviously, they sort of wheel you into special care which is, you know, quite a scary place the first time you go in there, when you don’st know what all the beeps are and what all the machines do and that sort of thing. And, you know, they sort of said, you know, This is your daughter. And it was really difficult to see her actually, because, because, you know, she had lots of things going into her, she had a mask on her face, so I couldn’st really see what she looked like. She her skin was very translucent so you could see, you know, the veins and that sort of thing, and obviously with the lungs being a problem area, it was obvious that it was really difficult for her breathing. And I think that, yes, that quite upset me at the time, and the fact that I could only stay for ten minutes as well, upset me quite a lot as well. And one of the other things that I sort of feel a bit cheated by is, because I was on a lot of medication I have very hazy recollection of that day. And I have to ask my husband.

He was in neonatal.

In the same hospital?

No a different hospital a few miles away. But the nurses there were ever so good. They, they wrote a little diary from my son to me and of course that, that got me, that got me. So he wrote about what he’sd been doing that day and but it was not real to me. And my partner showed me photographs and I actually said, Have you got the right baby? I didn’st recognise him. So… I didn’st have this maternal side to me, because I wasn’st allowed to have that. So I worried, I worried about when I’sd see him again. Would he know me? Would he like me? Because I felt like I’sd let him down. So yes, after four days, I finally went back to the hospital where my son was, and we were reunited and [upset] and I couldn’st really stand up without assistance, which is so frustrating because normally I’m really active and healthy and having to ring every time you want to get up. But I forced myself to do it. I probably shouldn’st have done, but, and then to have the catheter removed, they want you then to pass water and I remember ringing for the nurse and she gave me a jug. Oh God. And I was so embarrassed about it. But it was another step towards recovery. And after five days I finally had a bath. I mean I was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And there was a full length mirror in the bathroom and the nurse who helped me there she left me to it, and she said, Now don’st look in the mirror. But I did. And I didn’st recognise myself. Just elephantine bruises, the bruising, I don’st know where they’sd come from. I don’st know if it was the caesarean or what, but it, I had bruises all down my thighs, all around my torso. And it was shocking. I couldn’st really bend very well, and didn’st really understand what, what had happened

I was allowed up after they’d done the checks and observations.

OK

I was allowed to go up and see her. Obviously Claire wasn’st allowed to go up straight away; I think it was possibly the next day. What they did do which was a brilliant thing, and I hope they do a lot more of it, is they’d set up a camera up beside where our child was, and they had a monitor down beside Claire, so she could actually see the child.

Oh wow

And what was happening and it didI’m sure it had an audio bit so we could if I was upstairs in SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) with the child that Claire could hear and we could speak to each other. I thought that was an amazing thing to do sort of thing yeah.

The first days? Well it’s all a bit of a blur really [laughs] because that first twenty four hours I was in and out of consciousness basically and [son’s name] was in Special Care and then I got moved from the labour ward up to postnatal ward; on a ward with everyone with their babies, their new babies, so that was quite hard. They didn’st have a spare side room until a few days later and then I think yeah so I got moved on the Tuesday night. When did we move? We moved on Wednesday so my husband came to see me in the morning and then had to leave me on my own for most of the day because he was moving the house. Obviously [son’s name] was early so we didn’st anticipate me being in hospital. So yeah on that I had one day, I think it was two days after birth when you’re meant to feel quite low anyway and they’d had a I think they’d had some kind of emergency with another baby in neo-natal so they couldn’st let me go down to see him so I was sort of left on my own and no-one really telling me anything. I think I had a cry and the nice nurse who happened to come on shift who I’d had previously before I’d had who’d told me I was going down to labour ward, she came to sort of help me and explain what had happened because they couldn’st tell me before. I thought they were just being mean and not letting me go down so. But yeah so those first few days were quite hard.

Well the second day, again, because my blood pressure was still quite bad, I still was only allowed to go up there once for half an hour, and I felt, I felt, I think I felt quite lonely because my husband was trying to divide his time between myself and our daughter and he was exhausted and you know, I was worried about him. And so I wanted him, I didn’st want our daughter to be left on her own. I kind of felt like I was abandoning her and so I would say, Well you know, I’sd rather you went and spent time with her. And so I felt quite lonely. Because although I was still getting one to one care so I still had a midwife with me, it just wasn’st the same. Every time I went to see her, it got easier to see her. But being away from her was really, was really, yes, it was really difficult. But then equally I was, I was, you know, I was still in a lot of pain. I was still on a lot of medication. And you know, I just wanted to sort of start getting up and out, and you know, they wouldn’st let me out of bed and all these sorts of things, and there was, it was frustrating as much as anything I think. That I was sort of stuck in bed, and I couldn’st go and see her, and even when I did go and see her I couldn’st do anything for her.