Because when I’m depressed I’ I wasn’t able to do anything about it, really. I just felt overwhelmed by it. And so you do have to just tackle the bit that you can get a grip on, and it might be something very small. And with my depression, when I was feeling very low, I would, I did decide to just concentrate on small things; going for a walk, baking some bread, you know pottering around in the garden. Just trying to get through day to day, I think, was how I came out of the suicide attempt. And that lasted a long, long time, really and I don’t think it can be rushed, that recuperation really’

And then I spent some time working on a farm, actually, which was quite good because there was the exercise and the fresh air, and there was also the camaraderie of other people who thought it was a crap job as well. So, you know. not doing anything too demanding.

It might almost seem common sense to people that if you distract yourself from some of these things, it might give a bit of relief. That actually in the long term, if you keep doing it, it’s a good way of slowly coming out of depression. But yes, it might seem common sense, but it’s not what you feel like doing all the time, not at all.

But you see that kind of hobby, and I would recommend anyone having hobbies, and that’ that gets depressed people through because the thing that you can’t think of, you know two things at once whilst you’re thinking about that, you aren’t worrying about where am I, what’s happening

I’d become a bowler, gained an interest in bowling, got onto the committee, moved up to treasurer, and I am currently chairman of the bowls club. From that I got such a great reward, I sort of blossomed because in amongst new people, an interest and all the rest of it, and being one of a bunch. And that seemed to be important to me, to be one of the boys, or that sort of thing.

I was pretty well able to hide it (depression) to a large extent, and I didn’t have that many friends. And that was partly the reason I took up bowling and these other things to get friends you know.

I remember once I. when’ in my second episode I had when I was about seventeen’And I remember a particular time, it was a hard time, it really was a hard time. The day that I suddenly felt things picked up, I wanted to do something, I wanted to do something physical. I’d been told, my doctor said to me, “You’re not allowed to read any books, you’ve got to do just physical things.”

So I started to garden, I’ve never been in the garden before. And it was crap at first, but gradually it was alright, you know you start to think, ‘Yeah, this is kind of distracting me a bit. And there was one day I remember having my Walkman on [laughs] and I was trying to listen to a record, I can’t even think what it was now, and of course the bad stuff comes, the bad thoughts come. And I remember the first time that I felt, ‘Oh, I’m winning here.’And for the first time I felt hey, this fighting is working

People tell you to do things, they say in this case you know, work in the garden. And you do it the first few times and you just think, ‘Oh fuck off, this isn’t going to work. And strangely, these sort of laborious tasks do begin to work, so you have to stick at it.

Just one other thing really that’s been really very’ that I feel is very important for anybody is the ability to express feelings.. If you can try and express yourself. And it can be in a variety of ways because I do it in a variety of ways, in ways that I found out I didn’t even know I could.

Such as?

Such as poetry. I wrote a poem when I was in hospital, and it literally flowed out of me. I wrote it and a couple of people have read it. I’ve written lots more since. And it’s been a good way of getting these feelings out.For me writing it’s a good way of putting something down in black and white that sometimes is very difficult to express in words. When somebody says to you, ‘How do you feel?’ sometimes it is difficult to say, to sum it up in a few sentences, how you do feel.

You know it’s a mind body thing. Sometimes you feel things in your body that you just can’t express. So I would encourage anybody to do whatever they feel comfortable with doing, whatever their means are to express themselves, whether it be music, dancing, or something, or screaming or getting in to the car and having a good shout is a good thing because nobody can hear you when you are driving along in your car.

Let it out because if it doesn’t come out, it gets stuck, I think. And it builds up and builds up and you get full and you get full of all these feelings that have never been expressed.

What did you get out of doing the art and craft classes at the day centre?

When, when I’ve been depressed I… I get really very desperate to do anything that will be a distraction, and that’s really basically what it was. I mean I am naturally quite artistic and, but it’s, it’s when you’re as ill as that it’s an effort to do anything, so it was, it was just good to be with other people, not be alone, not be stuck in the house, and to be doing anything, you know, in terms of drawing or, or, or pottery. It was, but you don’t, theres not, not a sense in which you enjoy it in the same way as you do when you’re well. It’s, it’s a distraction.

But this was the very first poem I wrote and it came straight from the heart so it will always be my fondest poem [laugh]. Would it be alright for me to read it? It’s actually called Black bird on my Shoulder. I think this came, maybe came from a lot of people who called depression like a ‘Dog and that came from Winston Churchill. But for me it felt like a black bird that always sat on my shoulder and was with me all of the time. But I will read the poem.
Black bird on my shoulder
Screeching in my ear
Nobody else will listen
He has been there year after year
Black bird on my shoulder
Crying me to sleep
Whispering to me
Give it up
No tears now left to weep
Black bird on my shoulder
Daring me cross that line
Into madness I surrender
Oh insanity, how divine
Black bird on my shoulder
Didn’t think I’d come this far
Where do I go to now I plead?
Wading through this thick black tar
Black bird on my shoulder
Please, please just fly away
One more chance just give me
Just give me one more day.
So I guess in a kind of although I was in a very deep dark depression at the time I was still kind of asking in the very last sentence, ‘Give me one more day. Give me, you know, give me something. Somebody help.”

This is, it’s a folk song, I’m into folk but I also, I made up the last verse of it its called ‘The Nightingale’
One morning in spring by chance I did rove
I lay myself down by the side of a grove
And there I did hear the sweet nightingale sing
Never heard so sweet, oh I never heard so sweet.
No I never heard so sweet as the birds in the spring.
All on the green grass I sat myself down
And all the sweet nightingales echoed around.
Oh say don’t you hear how they quiver the note
Never heard so sweet, oh I never heard so sweet.
No I never heard so sweet as the birds in the spring.
Well I’ll sing like a nightingale all of my days
For why should birds only be singers of praise?
And so I do now like a nightingale sing
So I do sing sweet oh yes I do sing sweet.
Oh yes I do sing sweet like a bird in the spring.

So I thought no I love horses, let’s.. the Citizens Advice Bureau has got a great big leaflet on ‘ or sorry the Volunteer Bureau have got a huge booklet and there is so much out there. There is like loads of stuff that I’d you know, you could be visiting people and taking their dogs out or youth.There was just so much stuff that I would be interested in doing, and this was like, also it was word of mouth. I’d seen it in the Volunteer Bureau. But also I had spoken to a friend and she said she had worked out there. I phoned up and being doing that a year now and it’s great. At the beginning I used to get anxiety attacks and some days I could just phone up and say, ‘Look I’m not feeling well. If you are doing it voluntary’ I felt I wasn’t letting them down, even though I did feel like I was letting them down which I shouldn’t. I was letting myself down more than anything. This is. the same pressure is not there, and I can go in as little or as often as I want.

So’voluntary work I would definitely advocate because it gives you a sense of.it helps build your confidence, self-esteem and it usually leads on to other things. I’ve learnt to drive, drive horse and carriage which this time last year I wouldn’t have known, just wouldn’t have a clue. And I started out cycling [coughing] and I’ve progressed and that and now I can actually take out a horse and carriage, which is like amazing. What else have I’I know we are doing something different now but I’ve taken up things this year that, like canoeing. It is always something I’ve wanted to do. I did a canoeing course this year, and started doing things for me. So it’s like. Do stuff you enjoy doing. That’s what I think helps. It’s just doing things for me. Looking after myself.