Couldn’t go to my lessons when I got in about year 9, I couldn’t go to the dining hall or anything like that because I’d always get hit or I had stuff thrown at me, and it got to the stage where I couldn’t go to any of my lessons, I had to stay in this one little room where there was just like one teacher I had to be taken out with, I had to wait for the teacher and then I could go out. I weren’t allowed to go out for breaks. I couldn’t have toilet breaks, I had to wait till the end of the day. Got to the last four month with High School and I had to be home schooled because bullying got that bad. I had an all-time low and I really did wish I were gone, basically because it, I couldn’t really talk to my Mum and Dad because I felt like they’d just think I were lying and then when it all came out I just, it felt a lot better, but in a way it didn’t because then everybody knew that they’d got best of me.

I always made sure I were on top of my work.Always. I’d say if I were off school, even if I weren’t there, I’d make sure I had all my work given to me. If I needed help I’d go and see the teacher, and college, my assignments were always handed in beforehand, done to the best I could do, I’d never let anything get the best of me with that because otherwise what’s the point in going? So I made sure that were all up to date, and even if it weren’t perfect it’s still done.

I’m not really sure, it’s one of those things that I kind of explain in my head and I can sort of explain in my head but I can’t explain out loud. It’s just because there are so many emotions that you go through sort of from beginning to end and when you feel down you put on weight, and when you feel pretty good with yourself when you’ve reached the first sort of half stone, or whatever, so it’s all sort of well it’s a general sort of increase of happiness sort of thing. It’s just, well it’s a general increase of good things, is still probably the best way I could describe it, you know, everything seems to turn out good.

Everything?

Yes pretty much it’s sort of, you know, there’s all the health, the social, the psychology, the sort of mind things that sort of go in, sort of all those reasons, sort of are cumulative and, you know, if you think, well if people think that they need to lose weight then, you know, it’s only a good thing. I mean there aren’t any bad things at all that I can think of about losing weight. I mean, well, apart from sometimes it’s a bit of a struggle but you know apart from that thing, there’s nothing wrong at all with it.

And you said there were social aspects?

Yes that sort of came with the increase in confidence. As my confidence increased I sort of spoke to more people, I was more outgoing and I made more friends, became sort of, I wouldn’t say popular but I was more popular, well sort of you know. I speak to more people than I would do if I was heavier still and I think I interact with more people now than I’ve ever done.

So, I don’t know, it sort of got me a lot more confidence to speak my opinion when the time comes. It’s also helped in school as I tend to ask more questions now as I feel more confident about speaking up in front of others, so sort of. And it’s helped my concentration. That I’ve noticed.

Really?

Yes, it’s sort of, because I’m not as heavy, so I’m not as tired all the time so I’m more awake, therefore I concentrating more in lessons.

So has it affected your school work, would you say?

I hope, yes, I think so, I mean, I’ve been, well I was told by my, I think it was my physics teacher the other week, that he’s noticed quite a bit of improvement over the last year or so. So that was another thing to help my confidence and, so it just sort of comes together really.

In all of my schools, at my second school there was quite a model image – everyone wanted to be you know the catwalk model – and they were so skinny, they were so tall, they always wore high heels to school even though, you weren’t allowed to. They were always plastered with make-up, and I was at that stage where I really couldn’t be bothered. I was just getting picked on so much, I thought what’s the point in me wearing make-up and high heels, because nobody’s gonna look at me any different? So I was just there in my normal men’s shoes (because I’ve got huge feet) and no make-up on, hair tied into a plait, and then just really studious, and you know – a bit of a loner to be honest. But you know, working made me happy and that’s what I think they didn’t understand, and that’s why I got picked on even more.

So you were quite different in lots of ways in a sense?

Yeah totally. I think without you know bigging myself up, I was one of the most intelligent people in the year, but that probably is because I put the most effort in.

Because I was not interested in boys, I was not interested in make-up, or high heels, or trying to get into clubs when we’re only 15 years old. I was just… I had a completely different outlook on life. I just wanted to get somewhere with my life and prove everyone wrong that, you know, a fat person can actually do something good to the world. Like my motto, ever since I changed and ever since I’ve been to counselling was, I will change this world, I will do something that is gonna make me be remembered

Naz And then the thing was I got into education and stuff, and I got on with some of my subjects. I was really good in them and because I used to pay more attention than them I used to be known as teacher’s pet again, or the boffin of the class. And they used to just annoy me, because I used to pay more attention to them.

And then there was another girl that was fat as well, but they never used to say anything to her, because they knew she’d actually go to the head teacher and do that, but with me, they knew I would just stay there quiet and just take it in or whatever, forget it, ignore it. So I never used to just care about what they used to say, it was in one ear, out the other one then. Because I used to think I’m at school for education not to get teased, so just pay attention to the education that’s it.

I guess that’s just all part of the illness. I think because it just gains such a control over you and you just don’t really. Sometimes you just can’t do anything about it, it just. I find it hard to explain. But it’s like something else just totally takes over and no matter what you do or how much you want to be well it just keeps dragging you back.

I guess it was like a comfort thing. Kind of when the world gets a bit scary you just kind of go back into your little shell. And I guess it kind of stops you worrying about all the other things like college and that kind of thing.

How does it do that? Can you explain that part of it?

I guess because when you’re in the illness you’re focusing on, you’re focusing on your food and your weight and just yourself and to focus on to count calories and focus on what you’re going to eat tomorrow. How you’re going to get out of going out to a, that restaurant next week or something. To focus on that is like a distraction from, from everything else that is going on. So say I have like a college exam tomorrow or something which I don’t but if I did and it’s something I’m worrying about I’d just suddenly focus on how much I was eating and it seems a lot easier to focus on that than to focus on the actual problem.

Let me just go back again a little bit. I mean you said that one of the things that it affected was your GCSEs?

Yeah, I just stopped going to school and I took a lot of time off which also caused me to detach myself from my friends as well. So I was just alone a lot of the time.

Did you feel like an outsider because you’d been away from school and sort of got cut off from people a bit or did, did you feel like that anyway?

I felt that anyway but with the anorexia I guess I just stopped thinking about school and friends anyway. I was just so focused on, on the anorexia side of things like the eating and kind of exercising as well and I just stopped caring about anything else.

Like you feel really weird around people and you daren’t like exercise around them and you just daren’t do things around them because you feel really bad around them because they’re all like really small and you’re like big and then like in PE, I daren’t get changed in front of anybody. So I go into the toilets and get changed because I feel really weird with everybody looking at me when I’m getting changed. And then they’re all like really thin and they can have their belly button pierced but, I would like to have it done but I wouldn’t, if you know what I mean.

Yes and is there anyone else at school that does those sort of things, you know, going and getting changed in the toilets?

Not really no. It’s just like when it’s yes that’s the only time anybody else really goes into the toilet.

Right. But you do PE at school?

Yeah.

And do you mind, you don’t mind doing PE or?

I don’t mind doing PE as long as I’m covered up.

So what kind of things do you have to wear for PE?

We like have a T-shirt, it’s a quite a thin T-shirt. And you’re supposed to wear shorts but when it’s really cold weather like this we get to wear tracksuit bottoms and a coat, and I normally wear the tracksuit bottoms and a coat.

And then I went from there to [name] College and I’ve had no problems at all – like being overweight at college. I think it’s because I’m such an overpowering person that my personality just completely like…if people often say to me you know when, like you could tell when I’m around or something because it’s just like noisy and there’s always something happening, and I think people and people at this age now have just got to the point where they can see past weight for friendship and like see past weight, someone looks for a friendship, and like I’ve got a lot of good friends at [name] and I think that if I ever had any trouble with any of them about being overweight, like they’d stick up, like they stick up for me. And there’s a lot of overweight people as well who are friends at the college now, and I don’t really go out and about with them because they’re mainly boys, and they just play at X-box whatever, it’s like, Are you coming out today? No, we’re playing X-box.