So yeah I’m not happy with my size. And I would like to be thinner so that I could go into a normal shop and buy the clothes that my friends are wearing. I could choose the fashion that I want to wear. I mean like this, this is a men’s top, you know. Grant given it was because it was the only sizes they did for the printing that we wanted. But you know. It’s a case of a lot of the time I can’t go to normal places. I can’t go to your uber fashionable places. But the places where I go most of the clientele are like a lot older than me – you know they’re like mid forties plus. And that’s weird to think that, you know, you’ll be, you’re wearing the same clothes as like your 50 year old neighbour or whatever. That’s kind of weird, you know it does mean that sometimes you can’t be as uber fashionable because you do have to be conscience of what you’re wearing as well.

It’s not pleasant because you think, you just kind of think, “If I was thinner I wouldn’t be doing this you know. Again it’s because I’m fat that I’m doing this.” And it isn’t nice. And it does, you are always thinking about it, especially in public. But like I said, if I had the choice I wouldn’t be this size. But, again I wouldn’t want to be really, really thin, you know. Again going on this quest for normality. To be honest I doubt I’ll ever really find it because normality changes so often.

How does that make you feel?

It does kind of leave you in limbo. You know you kind of think, well you know especially like if you’ve got friends like, “Oh I got this from this uber trendy shop.” And then you kind of go, “Yeah, I didn’t.” You know you do kind of feel left out. And like even stupid things like going shopping with your friends, you have to go to completely different shops.

And, you know you have to separate, like I’m off into the plus-sized sections and stuff like that. And you think, “Why am I doing this? I’m 18 you know, I should be a healthy weight. I should be buying clothes that my mates are buying. I should be in there with the rest of them.”

You do feel kind of like isolated. And you know like if you go out on a night out and all your friends have got like really short dresses and uber high heels. And you think and you’re still there in jeans and a nice top instead because you daren’t get your legs out you know. Something like that it isn’t nice to be always marginalized and on the outside of things.

I just felt like upset and stuff like in clothes shops because you think, I’m not going to fit into that and you can’t wear the same stuff as your friends and things like that. But now it’s just a healthier lifestyle and things like that. And now it’s changed a right lot since I started SHINE (Self Help Independence, Nutrition and Exercise). And it’s helped me gain more confidence.

So I’ll just ask you about some of these things. So you think you were overweight before you came?

Yeah.

And when you say overweight’ what do you mean?

Like just not massively overweight, but like I were in the obese’ category to start off with. But now I think I’ve dropped down to overweight’ category. So I’ve lost quite a bit. And it’s helped me a lot with like school and things, and friendship groups and things like that.

And so with the, because you said you were in the obese group, and what does that mean?

It means like, you’ve got your underweight, and then you’ve got like average, and then obese, and then morbidly obese. And I were like overweight, but I were just like in the obese category. But I’ve kept it going and so I’ve like lost it. So I’m maintaining on overweight’ now. So if I carry on I should be average for my height.

And so, I mean can you tell me, because I think you said, did you say that you can’t wear, you, or before, you couldn’t like get the same clothes as your friends and things like that?

Yes.

So were you a different size from your friends then?

Yes. My friends, they’re not skinny, but they’re not obese. So it just made me think, Oh, I wish I could wear things like that and fit into them clothes And when I went shopping and stuff with my friends, I used to be like right insecure about like what I were going to pick up and think, Should I get it Because I’m with them and I don’t want them to know what size I were. Things like that.

Clothes as well, I tell everyone that I hate shopping, well I don’t really hate shopping, I hate shopping, I hate Top Shop, I absolutely love Top Shop. I just hate the fact that the biggest size they go up to like is a size 14 to 16. And I remember I went in there with my friend the other day and she’s got a really nice figure, she’s a size 12 I think and – well it wasn’t the other day it was the sale in the summer when the Kate Moss range had just been launched – and I walked in there and I was like, Well I don’t know where I’m going because I know that I’m going to want to buy something, but I don’t want to have to go up there and be like, Excuse me, do you have this in an 18 or a 20 or something because you know a) it’s Top Shop and they wouldn’t have sizes like that anyway, and b) it’s just embarrassing having to ask someone for a size that big. Like for me anyway, for an 18 year old girl to go up to someone and say, Can I have a size 18 to 20? it’s just like, Ohh. So I don’t do it, like, I get my Mum to go shopping for me, or I’ll go shopping with my Mum, and I know it sounds really sad but she pretends to be buying all the clothes for herself because I get so embarrassed about it.

And another thing that I hate about shopping as well is changing rooms, and like having to.. I don’t like trying on clothes, so I’ll buy a piece of clothing, not try it on, and then if it’s too big I’ll take it.. I won’t take it back, sorry, I’ll just be like, This is really embarrassing, ‘cos they’re gonna, Too small? Because they’re gonna know that it’s too small – or I feel like they’re gonna know it’s too small. And like the girls in the door, on the changing room doors like, How many items have you got? Three, Okay, and I just feel like they’re looking at the sizes as well while they’re looking at it and I’m like, Oh this is so embarrassing. So I just don’t try on clothes anymore.

I want to get to a healthy weight because that’s what matters, but I don’t want to be a stick figure. I think getting slim is being optimistic, I think I just want to cut down to be honest. It would be nice to go clothes shopping, because clothes shopping is the demoralising thing, I mean we’ve got a new mall, lovely clothes shops to go in but none, none, in my size, and I have to watch my friends and then I have to go and shop in like other places which have bigger sizes, which is so rubbish sometimes, and makes you feel crap when everyone else is wearing fashion. Well luckily I don’t give a damn about fashion, so it’s all fine. I don’t have any money anyway.

Because you want to be up to date with like fashion things and you want your hair all the same. But like you just think sometimes, If I wear this it might make me look bigger, and things like that. But just ordinary daily life things have become much easier, like picking clothes in shops and things like that. And I can now wear the same as my friends and things like that. So it’s much happier to go shopping. I used to struggle before, if I went shopping with my mum I used to get upset, or if my mum like picked something out for me and it didn’t fit me, I used to get upset saying, I’m not having a bigger size and I don’t want this, and things like that. But now it’s just much easier because I can deal with it. If it don’t fit me I just think, If it don’t fit me. I can get a bigger size. It don’t matter.

Oh it was a nightmare, it was a complete nightmare. It was okay up until she was probably, because she’s always been big so she was always had clothes that were sort of a few years older than her age group. But up until about eleven, twelve that was fine and that but it was the teenage years that were the hardest, the teenage years were a nightmare because you’ve got, because you’ve got all these shops that sell, like Evans and Roger Roger’ (there used to be a Roger Roger which was Jeffrey Rogers or whatever he’s called) their big shop, but the clothes are all for much older, they’re for sort of, you know, people in their thirties and above as it were and of course she wanted to wear all the teenage stuff because she was a teenager. She wants to wear all the young clothes and of course the young clothes don’t fit, you know, so it was really quite hard and that and if they do fit they don’t look right, as it were. So we ended up, you know having to go to shops and sort of buy stuff and then she sort of said, Oh, you know, I look like I’m 40, sort of thing. I don’t want to look like I’m 40 and that. So then she got into, so she created her owns fads as it were, so she became a hat girl and so she’d have loads of different hats, all sorts of different coloured hats, and then she’d accessorise them with scarves and handbags and so it was a handbag-scarf sort of thing.

So she found her own way of sort of dancing up her outfits and things, she did it herself, she was quite happy with that but no , I was really glad actually I used to hate going shopping with her because it would always end in an argument. Always end in some sort of argument because it would always be, you know, that there wasn’t anything there that fitted her or if it did fit her I wasn’t happy with it soyou know. And she’d want to find,At the end of the day you are my child, you know, and I don’t want you to be walking around sort of wearing a belly top with big rolls hanging, you know, it just doesn’t look attractive Oh you don’t like me the way I a. it’s not a question of me not liking you the way you are it, you’ve got to accept the fact that you’re too big. it’s too small – the tops too small. You’re too big and it doesn’t look righ.

So it would always end in a big fight, so I hated it, absolutely hated it, and so I’m quite glad now that she can go and do her own thing, I don’t have to get involved.