I think the self-esteem has really come, comes from a, from the psoriasis itself. Especially when it comes to scalp because at the end of the day you can cover your arm up, you can cover your back up, you can cover almost every other parts of your body, but on your face and your scalp it’s not really as possible even if you wear a hood because at the end of the day it will still flake out and especially when I was a teenager, I used to wear a lot of dark clothes, so if the skin would flake really bad and it would fall onto your clothes it would look like a seriously bad case of dandruff. And especially when you’re going through sixth form at school where everyone is in sort of a hormone stage where everyone’s got their own cliques and so on and so forth, you do become, feel like an easy target because of your skin condition. It almost makes me, you feel like an outcast. There’s also other problems like if you’re going out like to have a drink with friends or if you’re even just meeting someone for a date or whatever you do think, Oh, what am I going to do about my psoriasis? Will people think I look like a leper or something? It’s really stressful to really think about, but which it does end up giving you sort of a really nasty cycle to live through because you don’t want the psoriasis so you do try to keep your stress down, but then like it’s there. It, it’s sort of hard for me to explain but it’s there, you, everyone can see it clear as day. Some people might think that it looks like a burn. And which you can come up with some excuses it doesn’t really work when it starts getting into, into, onto a table or so on and it becomes really, really nasty to look at.

There have been days when it’s got me quite down. Very few. And I think I tend to have that when there is something else going on that is playing emotionally. I remember when all my friends went to university and I’m still at home, cos I didn’t go. I was working and I was quite like down in general. And then, you kind of, I kind of like hooked it, hooked it onto there and kind of like made it part of the thing. It has [5 second pause] I won’t say it’s made me upset or angry, but there is almost like resentment sometimes. Not very often. And I think I’ve kind of like learnt to live with it and I’ve learnt to laugh about it. And, I think, as I said last week a, the hospital if you don’t learn to laugh about it then you learn to cry about it and that’s really not a great way of living with it. I’m quite a positive person and I had to be positive. At one point, the way I got round it was by naming the patches which sounds ridiculous and it was when it first started and I had like, John, [laughs] Joan and you know. And I think that was kind of like my coping mechanism for a little bit. And then, I think I got a bit too hooked into naming them. And it wasn’t really helping at all. And I was like, okay, firstly you know this is ridiculous like why are you carrying on doing it? But like, what’s that achieving? Nothing. Let’s just kind of stop getting attached to it, almost like pretend it’s not there. Use the like 10 minutes of your day when you have to moisturise or whatever to like acknowledge it’s there and then the rest of the time just kind of ignore it unless someone asks about it. And I think that really helped, because I kind of like, didn’t forget it was there, cos I know it’s still there, but I kind of pretended it wasn’t for a bit. And once I’d done that and I’d kind of decided that I’m gonna kind of go with it. Then, I kind of started to kind of not be so emotional about it, I think.

I mean, there are days when I, picture pops up on Facebook or something and I think, oh god, there’s a horrible like patchy bit of forehead there like awrr. And I think but do you know what, if you look back through all the other photos, it’s there, but it’s just not as prominent and I kind of have to ignore it. And, it can be hard. But in a way I think only has hard as I make it. And I try not to get wound up by it, because there’s nothing I can really do about it. I mean, I do the treatment and that’s helping. But I can’t just [clicks fingers].

Can you remember when that sort of impact on self-confidence started for you?

Probably when I started secondary school. Although my friends were they, they knew, cos they, they’d known me for a while. They didn’t really mind. Cos they just looked past it. But I sort of never liked to get changed in front of them for PE and the-, I don’t think the PE teachers quite understood so they were just like, Yeah, everyone’s gotta get changed in one place. And especially when I went swimming in primary school and secondary school, they- I didn’t feel like I wanted to do it. So often I would write notes saying, My mum said that I can’t do it today. And try and get out of it that way.

Did that work or-?

Yeah, most of the time. But it meant that I couldn’t swim, so yeah. And then I tried to learn how to swim when I got a bit older. But then, you’d go to a swimming pool with a swimming costume and all of your skin would be showing pretty much. And then, you’d have the lifeguards come up to you and be like, Are you safe to go in the water? So, it’s just like why bother?’

How would you deal with that situation if somebody like the lifeguard asked you that?

I just tried explaining, cos I was with my dad anyway, so he helped explain that it was safe. It’s not contagious. Cos I don’t think people know that it’s not contagious.

It can be difficult, you kind of get used to like people asking you the whole time if you wear short sleeved T-shirts. It’s like, in the summer I tend to wear T-shirts and shorts. And people are like, You’ve been bitten. You’ve been bitten. And I’m like, [looks around] Where? and they’re like, Can’t you see it? I’m like, No [laughs] they’re like, That big patch. Oh, I’ve haven’t been bitten, it’s psoriasis. And occasionally, very occasionally, you get some like really like nasty things. I once was in public, I was in the high street somewhere and this woman said to her daughter, Step away from the leper. And I was like, sorry, no, this isn’t, this isn’t going on. I’m like wearing a T-shirts. It’s not leprosy, it’s psoriasis, like calm down. And I thought like, not only is that quite bad for me, but like, if I was a person with leprosy like how would I feel, like that’s horrible. Had a pharmacy assistant recently tell me like, What’s the on your forehead, you look really good on it. And I was like, is that meant to be a compliment, because I don’t find that very complimentary, like it’s a skin disease, what you playing at. Oh, I didn’t realise, I’m sorry, I just thought it was just sort of like some of like skin tag or something. I was like, even if it was a skin tag, like why would you say that. I think you just have to kind of like be prepared for people to say stupid things. Like, there are a lot of stupid people out there and don’t realise, and you just have to be prepared to like explain it. And, that’s something that I think, I’m not afraid to talk about it and I don’t think you should be because it can be a big part of you, y’know. In the summer when shorts time, I’m wearing a T-shirts and shorts, I’ve got six or seven big blotchy patches of faky- faky-, flaky skin. People are gonna ask and I think you just have to be prepared to answer them and be honest with them, because they tend to then be a bit more kind of like sympathetic I think is the best word for it. And like they always apologise, normally, when they see you and you say, Oh, it’s a skin disease, [deep inhale] Oh, I’m ever so sorry, I’m ever so sorry. And it’s just, I think if people then know they might not be so-, if they come across it again they might not be so like, Ergh, what’s that?

I did used to think that it used to affect girls more but then nowadays I think they’re both, both genders are equally insecure about themselves. Yeah. I think girls, I think it’s easier for guys to cover up, because they don’t have to wear dresses and skirts, whereas girls naturally want to wear different clothes and that’s harder, I think.

Is that similar with make-up as well?

Yeah. It’s harder to apply certain make-up, so that’s hard, whereas guys, they don’t really have to. But then, on the other side, girls can use make-up to cover up, whereas you wouldn’t find that a guy would generally. And also, girls can keep their hair down to cover up any patches. That’s what I used to do quite often. With guys, they don’t really have that option.

I decided all through the summer I’d wear jeans or tracky bottoms, and I’d wear long sleeved t-shirts and jumpers. Even if I was really hot I’d still wear them, like I didn’t want people to see my skin, so I’d do it anyway. And then, as my skin got better I’d like wear whatever I felt comfortable in. But when my skin was really bad in July, I decided that it was best if I just covered it up, so no one saw it. So, I’d just, I’d go out with my mum like shopping, but I’d wear so many layers, and you’d see loads of people like in shorts and t-shirts and everything, and then there’d be me in like jeans and like a long sleeved t-shirt and a jumper.

So, what was that like for you if you have to go out with sort of more clothes on, more layers?

It would, it like made me feel really hot, and like I wanted to take it off but it made me feel a bit better, like no-one can see my skin so I’m not getting judged; and I guess that’s the thing that kept me wanting to do it. Like, I’m not getting judged and I’m quite happy like that. I don’t want to be judged by people because that makes my self-confidence even worse. And just as my self-confidence was getting better, it just went straight back down again.

And then make-up and I mean, I completely respect people who don’t wear makeup. I respect people who wear loads of make-up, fake tan, whatever. But for me, personally, I love make-up and I really do think make-up is a way, not just to cover it up, but to give me confidence. Like I wouldn’t feel confident going out, you know, without make-up on. And even, not just make-up on my face, but for my prom, in Year 11, I had this beautiful floor length dress, but it was quite a low back. And I had quite a lot of psoriasis on my back and I thought what am I gonna do?’ And me and my Mam researched sort of like concealers and stuff. And we found this stage make-up. And it was brilliant. And it was, it was y’know, the same colour as my skin and we managed to like blend it all in. And it looked great and I felt so much more confident with that on and I just think, why not?’

It got to the stage last year where I was, I remember I was stood in my living room, and I said to my mum, “I don’t care what people think about my skin; like it’s my skin, so I’m just going to wear whatever I wanted.” And then I went out last summer in like skirts and everything, and yeah my knees were bad but I just let people look at it, it didn’t really affect me. I think it affected me more when I was younger because I didn’t want to get judged. But it’s my skin, and it has nothing to do with anyone else, like they shouldn’t judge it because it’s not very nice. So, I just wore whatever I wanted and let people look at it.

And is that your attitude sort of now, still, that you’ll wear whatever clothes you want?

Yeah

You won’t sort of change your style or your fashion choices?

I did feel quite unconfident in the summer last year when I did it, like I’d go out and I’d get dirty looks, I’d come home. I’d think about it but I’d do it again the next day cos I was trying to prove to myself that I’m not going to let others affect me. Like, I’m dealing with it the best I can, and I’ve dealed with it for like eight years at this point, so I don’t think it could have affected me much more.

Yeah

So, when the summer came and I’m prepared for this summer too, cos I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna to do what I did last summer. Like, because most people around here know me, so they know what my skin’s like, so I don’t think I’d get like judged, and little kids look at me but then they’ll ask their mums after, and that kind of makes me feel like a bit better. Like they’d go, “Oh what’s that on her knee?” and their mums would go to them, “Oh it’s psoriasis,” and then they’d just shrug it off and walk off, and that makes me feel a bit better. Like, I’m helping them learn about something, because they question their parents about it when they get home and everything and that kind of makes me feel like I’m educating people.

I think I was diagnosed at a really sort of key time, because I was just about to go to secondary school. And I was very aware of my appearance and how I looked and things. And, I did find it very difficult. I found it more difficult then than I would now if I was just diagnosed now, I think. And I think, because, as a child or as a teenager, especially, y’know, I was going through school and I was working really hard on my studies, but then, y’know, I was interested in boys and I had lovely friends as well, but all of these things coming together and I thought well, and it was, it’s so difficult. You don’t really, you don’t know who you are or what you want yet, I didn’t anyway. I had no idea. And but now, at, at 24, I’m secure in a relationship and happy, you know, career wise and I think when you are happy like that and secure, you tend, well, in my, in my experience, I now feel better about my condition and feel that I can handle my condition better and keep it under control better.

I try to stay positive a lot. And, you know, put things into perspective and, and see how lucky I am. But sometimes, I do find it so difficult. And I hate, I hate the fact that I’m being all you know, self pity and feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes I’ll have days where I’ll think none of my clothes’ll look nice. My hair won’t look nice. My face won’t look nice. I won’t look nice’ [laughs]. Sometimes I’ll think like that cos of my skin, cos my skin is really bad. Sometimes it will be so sore that I’ll just be so frustrated and just wanna stay in all day. And it’s so easy to do that. But, but you can’t, like I can’t, cos then once you get into that, that habit, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s bad. I really try to pull myself out of it. And I think, I do think having a supportive partner and having supportive friends and supportive family really, really helps me. I think I’ve been in friendships before and relationships before where they haven’t been that supportive and I’ve felt anxious or stressed and that’s made my skin worse. And it’s just not worth it. It’s just not worth it at all. And now I’m not in those friendships or relationships, I feel so much better for it.

I think when you have to like accept all of the flaws in yourself and then it does make you a bit stronger, I think, which is something that-. You know, I mean I’m here giving an interview with you guys-, you know, you about this, which is-, I’ve not spoken to anyone for more than about a minute about my psoriasis. So to come and sort of even do something like this and to be able to sort of say in my head that, you know, it doesn’t define me, it doesn’t, it’s really like not a big deal’ and to be able to sort of move on with my life I guess is something. It’s probably made me a bit stronger, maybe.

And then, as I got like older, I kind of realised, but I still had that thought in my head like, ‘Why, why did I get it, why me, not anybody else?’ But then I kind of have realised that it’s made me stronger. Like, cos I’m-, I know what it’s like so I’m prepared to do whatever now for it cos I’m stronger than I was when I was little, and I understand more.

Yeah, yeah. Could you say a bit more about that, about how it’s made you a stronger person?

I believe that, because I’ve been through like most of the treatments, and I’ve had so many hospital appointments, blood tests, x-rays, everything I believe that it’s made me stronger, like it’s made me think about it more, and made me a better person, because I know what other people can go through, and I can help other people that have been through it like I did, and I can be the stronger person. Because, I know when I was seven, I felt like I’d give up and everything because of it, but I’ve kind of learned that there’s more things worse than it, and it’s not pretty and it’s not very nice to have, but it makes you stronger because you learn to deal with it.