My mum came to stay which was a great help, because she did the night shifts for me. Which was just, Oh thank you so much. Mothers are wonderful people. You know, all past problems were thrown out of the window and then you were grateful for every bit of help, and friends offered to come round with the duster, you know. The friends started coming round and it was wonderful. And I relive the story, and I wrote an e-mail to people. It was mainly for me. I needed to get it out of here and onto paper, and I thought right I’m going to do a quick edit and then send it, and I thought right I’sve done it. And then wait for the replies to come, and the people said, That’s the worst birth story I’sve ever heard. [Laughs]. But it was helpful for me. It just, got it out of my head. And I think my partner was worried that I’sd crash at some point, because I was on such a high, the adrenalin was kicking in. I had wonderful new baby. I was out of that institution. I was free to do what I wanted to do. The pain had gone. And everything was fabulous again, after all the trauma.

And that’s just really nice where you just read each other’s stories, and it just can be quite helpful, therapeutic to know. For a long time after you give birth and it doesn’st go to plan kind of thing and all this, you get quite envious of people who have normal births; quite like it’s funny, it’s you don’st want to hear about them, you don’st want to hear abouttheir birth was fine, you know you’re like you do a lot of ‘Why me, why me?’ You can be yeah it’s quite it’s quite funny. So, those groups were really good in the fact that there were other people out there who say exactly the same as you – ‘Why me?’ ‘ah de de de had this great birth. You get a lot with people who say, “Oh you should be over it by now.” This is what they say in these groups, and it’s so nice that I don’st think that they don’st think that, each other doesn’st think that so it’s OK. And they’re very supportive.

There was again when it was right in the early days I remember this midwife ringing and leaving this message saying, “Oh and just to let you know here’s the details of this pre-eclampsia group; here’s the phone number and that,” and it was just like, [click] and that was it, I just I didn’st have anything in me at that point; no-one I felt like I had to fix myself. I was the one who had to go and seek medical help. I had to go and seek psychological help. I had to pay for it all, which is fine but I did you know it was and I was yeah so I saw the counsellor about eight, a good eight months I think to the point where I wanted to come off the medication, the anti-depressants, everything, with her support and did it all kind of thing.

And finished it even though I do get days where I would love to still be seeing her. But I feel that she was there for that reason, and it’s finished and I think you can’t always drag everything on with you.

We delivered before we started our NCT class [laughs], so we were thinking on, you know, do we just not go but at the same time we still want support in the community from a peer group, and so we still attended the classes but obviously we’d already delivered which was quite a strange scenario.

And you know, as you’d expect in NCT all the mothers have an ideal birth plan and they all want to give birth in a pool and they’re going to do hypno-birthing and it’s all very mother earth. And so we just found we had to bite our tongue because or just reveal very little about our birth experience because we didn’st want to scare anyone.

Because yes if you heard it, it could be quite traumatising.

And then I did some post-baby group then which was just the worst thing I ever wanted to do; I’m not a coffee morning type of person swapping baby stories. But I did go and it was actually the best thing I did do, just in the group of women that I met and I still see to this day, even though I moved away, yeah I did click with some of them, but she was still, you know the tiniest baby yeah.

How was the mother and baby group so helpful?

Well once I went, and I hated it and I said I’m never going back, but my best friend told me that I would be going back, and it was definitely more for my mental health than socialising a child. So I was lucky in the fact that the group of women that were there that, you know were very very nice and we did just bond but it got me out the house or else I just would have sat in and not did anything, because I didn’st have a group of friends; I’d worked and lived in different places, so I didn’st have a social network at all, so you are sort of stuck at home all of a sudden with baby; not seeing any adults, and that’s really important actually to find someone to talk to and just have a cup of tea with and just say, “God, this is shit.” Yeah, but you know and what I didn’st want was people, you know take feeling pity and feeling sorry for me; that was something else I didn’st want. So, taking myself away from that limelight meant that I didn’st get the questions and, because I couldn’st explain the answers – I don’st know why she was early, I don’st know why she’s so small. So that I tried to hide from the world quite a bit and you do become quite isolated.

And you were given the opportunity to meet with a bereavement midwife?

Yeah, yeah.

How was that?

That was OK. That went kind we had kind of one session with her and she said she doesn’st do a huge amount of kind of counselling as such. She would be able to kind of support us in if we needed help she would tell us where we could go and what we could do kind of thing. So suggested getting in touch with SANDS, and when I went to work and I saw ocu health, even the lady there suggested that I get in touch with SANDS. And I did and I had a chat with them on the phone and they said there was kind of groups you could go and meet other parents who’sve been through similar things and I just kind of felt that wasn’st kind of the right time kind of for me.

It was but on Facebook-, SANDS said they’sve got a Facebook page, and then there’s Action on Pre-eclampsia Facebook page, and there’s-. And I kind of liked or joined them or whatever it is, and then I was able to talk-, to kind of talk to people who’sve been through similar experiences. And it was Child Loss Awareness Week kind of last week, or the week before, and we managed to-, there was just lots of people posting stuff on there so it was kind of like people commenting and talking to each other about their experience of what had happened.

So, actually that was quite nice in the sense of I’m not completely alone because when everything had happened to me I didn’st know anyone else who’d been through what I’d been through, or kind of like with my mum she had pre-eclampsia but and I know it was bad and the fact that they she almost lost her life, but it was just the two of us. Like, I know lots of people; I’ve got over over 50 cousins and no-one’s been through that. And I’ve got a huge family; I’ve got lots of friends and things, and I’ve met loads of people through school, college, university, work. I used to be a locum so I’ve met loads of people and I’ve never met anybody who’d been through it so I kind of felt really alone.

But then looking at this Facebook group because I actually know that I’m not alone, there’s lots more people who have been through it. And on the SANDS one particularly people have lost their babies through lots of other things; but then on the pre-eclampsia one then there was people who have lost their babies specifically through pre-eclampsia so it kind of made me feel like I’m not quite as alone as I thought I was.

And from after everything had happened, we talked to family and friends and they were like, “Oh, we know such and such and we know someone whose been through something similar to that and like we can, you know, get you in touch with that person if you want to talk to them.” And it’s horrible for someone to go through something but then knowing that someone else has been through it kind of doesn’st make it seem quite as why was it only me like?’s Like why did it happen?’s and I wish it wouldn’st happen, but it does happen.

Friends, I didn’st really tell anyone anything what was going on really apart from one friend, so we sort of kept in touch via Facebook messenger and text and things and she’s like, you know, “If you want me to come and see you,” and I do wish I’d let her come and see me you know because lots of people did want to see us and things it was like but it wasn’st it wasn’st like when everyone gets all their visitors after they’sve had a baby and everything’s wonderful and great and I just want to keep everyone sort of away in a way just everyone can come and see me once we’re home and everything’s fine you know but I didn’st want people’s lasting memory of Thomas to be, you know in a little box with a tube on his face. But not I think when it’s actually Special Care they only let family in anyway; I don’st think they always let friends in so. So, yeah so so yeah it was it felt quite a lonely time but that’s probably of my own choosing in a way; you know I just wanted everything to be better and then everyone could come and see me when we were both home so.

And people, other people at the group, they had young babies but they didn’st have the same complications. And I realised quickly there’s a difference between having a prem baby and having a micro-prem baby there is a difference. You can have a prem baby and it’s four pound odd and it has nothing, no serious impact, but when you have a baby under two pounds you’re going a whole differenta whole different kettle of fish, it’s completely different.

And so there’s not many that come along as small as Imogen. But when they come on, because at the hospitalthe hospital has this group; it’s got an online page and the consultants are a member of it too, the paediatrician consultants are a member and a lot of the nurses are members of it. And it’s good because we post before and now pictures then and now. And also we , we speak to other mums who may come through and they go, ‘My baby’s blah blah blah,’ it’s like you know what, ‘We’re there for you; if you need a coffee; you just need somebody to talk to, believe me we have been there.

Do you think the family and the healthcare professionals you were interacting with appreciated that how upset you were and?

No

how difficult it was?

No. And they were brilliant, you know they knew what they were doing with her and they had a lot of babies to care for, and I appreciate that, but you know it’s a hard job, hard shifts, long shifts and, you know it’s hot and you know it’s binging and bonging all over the place and, you know you’sve got babies’ lives in your hands and, you know you’re not really there to give the mums a cuddle, but someone should have been; someone should have been there to explain what had happened and what was happening at the time, you know rather than just being sent home and you start your day again the next day. It is a shock going from a day at work to then the next day just being your life has completely changed; you are a mum and you’re in hospital and the baby’s unwell and might not make it from one hour to the next, and you just can’t comprehend it; you can’t get your head round that. It’s mad. It’s totally life changing actually.

So, after it must have been after two/three weeks after delivery; it must be actually even two I went to our GP and she did a postnatal depression screen. And where I remember like ticking the because there was no way I was going to harm her; if anything it was I was she was I’d look after you know she was the one thing that had to be looked after. It was the anxious ones I didn’st realise I was ticking until she looked at it and she said, “That scored really quite high, how about we try you on an anti-depressant, citalopram, for your anxiety?” So, I was like, “OK,” and then I remember it was just ten milligrams she said we’ll start slowly. And then on the I took it the next day, and I was staying at my mums for a couple of days and it was horrific. The anxiety levels had gone pff right up to the point I was you could pull me off the ceiling.

Very panicky; kept getting panic attacks; was turning to things on the internet, you know that you could do deep breathing, you know anything; things that would tell you it’s fine, you’re not going to die, this is what it is.

And it gradually, over the weeks, it slowly all started calming down. But in the meantime I’d had a lot of midwife support and health visitors and things, and they’d said, you know we can refer you to a counsellor but I just knew that would be weeks and weeks and weeks.

So, within a week or so I’d sourced it myself privately. I needed all I wanted to do is feel better, and I just felt awful, absolutely awful.

I think in hindsight I wish that I’sd gone back to talk to someone about what had happened. Not necessarily the issues of our daughter being in special care, but what happened to me. And I think it would have been good if there’sd been some sort of group that I could have gone to of other mothers that had been through something similar. There seems to be lots of help for sort of parents who have got children who are poorly. But there doesn’st seem to be that much discussion about if you’sve been through a difficult birth experience, and whilst I had my NCT postnatal group that I spoke with, that was just one, one week out of sort of eight, and then we sort of went on and we were talking about parenting stuff and things like that. And I think yes, in hindsight I would have liked to have been able to talk more about what had happened. Not necessarily to get any real resolution on it, because I understood exactly what had happened, but just to talk about it. And to know that there were other people out there who’sd been through difficult experiences.

And have you been offered any support for the psychological impact of?

Not really. No-one’s mentioned it. Even at my six week check-up at my doctors, they didn’st really bring up my birth; it was more check my blood pressure, do my medications need tweaking? No, not really and then it was, “OK see you next week,” sort of thing. So, there has been times where I’ve thought, ‘Right, do I need to?’ and at the moment I’m OK with it apart from the leaving part. But if it gets any worse then I probably would go and seek further help just to for my own sanity really, just even if it’s just one or two sessions just to get everything out the way with. But at the moment I don’st think I’d benefit from it but I would say to others, “If you feel you would then I would try and push for it.”