Well as I mentioned before he washe didn’st have the sucking reflex because, I think he was too early for it. So he was tube fed for a little while and although I’d not really had any strong feelings either way about breastfeeding I thought because he was that he was early and little I should give it a go and but my milk didn’st come in for three or four days after birth because but they would the hospital it quite good and they’d try and encourage you. Oh but I had a dreadful time and if I hadn’st have been if he hadn’st have been in Special Care so I don’st know if I’d have endeavoured. Everyone was very nice about it but it took one of the older slightly more cantankerous usually grumpy nurses to actually she actually she said, “Do you mind?” So, she sort of grabbed hold of me and showed me how she thought he’d go and it worked so, you know it took that someone actually knew.

I think it the hospital I went to is part of the whole push for it, so you know everyone on SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) tried to help you know, the expressing, and some of the other mums there were helpful as well. Because everyone used to say all the nurses and doctors or whatever used to say, “It’s not supposed to hurt.” One of the other ones said, “It does hurt to start off with,” it really does, it’s like knives; it’s like, “Oh that’s reassuring at least,” you know so. So, but yeah they were all quite encouraging, it was just the fact that I don’st think there was enough pumps. There was pumps down in Special Care; there was enough down there but when you’re trying to express at three in the morning I prefer to have one on the ward so.

Friends, I didn’st really tell anyone anything what was going on really apart from one friend, so we sort of kept in touch via Facebook messenger and text and things and she’s like, you know, “If you want me to come and see you,” and I do wish I’d let her come and see me you know because lots of people did want to see us and things it was like but it wasn’st it wasn’st like when everyone gets all their visitors after they’sve had a baby and everything’s wonderful and great and I just want to keep everyone sort of away in a way just everyone can come and see me once we’re home and everything’s fine you know but I didn’st want people’s lasting memory of Thomas to be, you know in a little box with a tube on his face. But not I think when it’s actually Special Care they only let family in anyway; I don’st think they always let friends in so. So, yeah so so yeah it was it felt quite a lonely time but that’s probably of my own choosing in a way; you know I just wanted everything to be better and then everyone could come and see me when we were both home so.

I knew soon as I’d been admitted that, ‘Oh right OK, this is probably quite serious,’ but I still felt quite calm at that point that, you know, you know I’m in hospital, I’m in the right place you know. You know I hadn’st finished work at that point but it was like, ‘Well whatever, [laughs] I don’st mind. I didn’st mind being admitted, yeah because I knew that they’d hopefully look after me and, you know within a couple of weeks’ time that’ll be fine; he’ll be 37 weeks or even though he’d probably only really be 35 or whatever I might have actually been able to tell someone that about that at some point before that that got to there but it was the real ‘Oh my god’ moment was when obviously I got my high blood pressure; went through the roof and I got told I was going down to labour ward that evening, that was the, ‘Oh right OK this is much more serious than anticipated,’ so.

Why did they how did they explain that you needed to go to labour ward?

Well it was the nice nurse again. While she was taking one of my blood pressures she said, “Oh I’ll just have to go and get the consultant,” and I think she went to talk to them and they obviously looked at the readings and then the nurse the nurse came back with a consultant and said, “Yeah we’re going to have to deliver your baby, it’ll be unsafe otherwise.” So, I can’t quite remember their exact words but it was yeah it was quite a shock so yeah.

I eventually got given a pessary to be induced which didn’st do anything at all, and then I think mm when did I get the pessary? I think I got the pessary at some point in the morning once they managed to lower my blood pressure down to a reasonable level, and then I think I had another pessary in the afternoon and then I think it was getting towards evening and I was very tired by then because obviously I’d been on this drip and had my blood pressure checked every five minutes and not slept and there were no contractions. I think at that point they someone had mentioned caesarean and I think the consultant had come in with the senior midwife and they were discussing what to do with me, and I sort of seized upon that at that point because I was tired. And I know I wasn’st going to have the birth that I thought I might have wanted you know with a bath and getting up and everything, because I was on a bed with a drip and they then tried to talk me out of it [laughs] because it’s an operation and they left me to think about it for another hour because they wanted to give me another I think they wanted to try and induce me again but my they’d already tried twice and I thought, you know, ‘My waters won’t break, I just want to get this over and done with basically. So, so then I had the caesarean at about eight o’clock that evening, or somewhere around there, and it was actually quite nice in theatre; it was nicer than labour ward anyway.

I thought he’d be there in the little cot when I got back, you know next to my bed because I think I’d been been sewn up and they went off he was off to the side and did he get wheel I can’t quite remember because, you know I was slightly away with the fairies after that point so I can’t remember if he got wheeled out or I got wheeled out first but yeah he wasn’st there and no-one had told me that he was going there until I got back so. But my husband got to go and take a picture and I think we got a little Bliss card or something and so I got to see a picture of him at least so yeah.

The first days? Well it’s all a bit of a blur really [laughs] because that first twenty four hours I was in and out of consciousness basically and [son’s name] was in Special Care and then I got moved from the labour ward up to postnatal ward; on a ward with everyone with their babies, their new babies, so that was quite hard. They didn’st have a spare side room until a few days later and then I think yeah so I got moved on the Tuesday night. When did we move? We moved on Wednesday so my husband came to see me in the morning and then had to leave me on my own for most of the day because he was moving the house. Obviously [son’s name] was early so we didn’st anticipate me being in hospital. So yeah on that I had one day, I think it was two days after birth when you’re meant to feel quite low anyway and they’d had a I think they’d had some kind of emergency with another baby in neo-natal so they couldn’st let me go down to see him so I was sort of left on my own and no-one really telling me anything. I think I had a cry and the nice nurse who happened to come on shift who I’d had previously before I’d had who’d told me I was going down to labour ward, she came to sort of help me and explain what had happened because they couldn’st tell me before. I thought they were just being mean and not letting me go down so. But yeah so those first few days were quite hard.