So, after it must have been after two/three weeks after delivery; it must be actually even two I went to our GP and she did a postnatal depression screen. And where I remember like ticking the because there was no way I was going to harm her; if anything it was I was she was I’d look after you know she was the one thing that had to be looked after. It was the anxious ones I didn’st realise I was ticking until she looked at it and she said, “That scored really quite high, how about we try you on an anti-depressant, citalopram, for your anxiety?” So, I was like, “OK,” and then I remember it was just ten milligrams she said we’ll start slowly. And then on the I took it the next day, and I was staying at my mums for a couple of days and it was horrific. The anxiety levels had gone pff right up to the point I was you could pull me off the ceiling.

Very panicky; kept getting panic attacks; was turning to things on the internet, you know that you could do deep breathing, you know anything; things that would tell you it’s fine, you’re not going to die, this is what it is.

And it gradually, over the weeks, it slowly all started calming down. But in the meantime I’d had a lot of midwife support and health visitors and things, and they’d said, you know we can refer you to a counsellor but I just knew that would be weeks and weeks and weeks.

So, within a week or so I’d sourced it myself privately. I needed all I wanted to do is feel better, and I just felt awful, absolutely awful.

I just really didn’st want to take tablets.

I don’st know if it’s because I was in the profession, I don’st know, something was just in me that didn’st want to I don’st know, it was really strange why I didn’st. And then at that point then I was on tablets which then I didn’st mind, but then it crept in again, you know eventually I was like when people did say, you know there might be a chance that actually you might end up, you know there’s a varied school of thought, you might end up with high blood pressure kind of forever, or this might just pass and, you know we don’st know again we don’st really know why but some end up on blood pressure tablets for the rest of their life, and I was just like, ‘I really hope it’s not I’m going to do my upmost I don’st know why because what I think I can do you know apart from, you know normal diet and all that, but I’m not going to be on blood pressure tablets.

The way it’s left at the moment is before we would even think about conceiving again I would meet with a consultant first, and I wouldn’st even risk until I’ve got everything in paper now, like done, OK this is what will happen, this is what happens, this is what we’ll do, this is the likelihood of this, that the other, and at the bottom in black and white, yes you can have a caesarean, then that’s yeah so I’m at the moment I’d like more information but I know where to seek it and I’m just waiting for the time.

I think to appease my I know a lot of this is in my mind. So, I think I would need to be quite closely monitored which I have been told I would be classed as high risk; you come under the obstetrician which I don’st mind… you know I don’st mind either way but I know I would be closely monitored, but I have in my head that I would want to be booked in for a caesarean beforehand because I even though, you know I’m so happy that she was delivered naturally, I can’t risk the going out of control again.

It was all about this control element and I think it needs to be I would need to be structured regularly monitored and have a caesarean.

And that’s just really nice where you just read each other’s stories, and it just can be quite helpful, therapeutic to know. For a long time after you give birth and it doesn’st go to plan kind of thing and all this, you get quite envious of people who have normal births; quite like it’s funny, it’s you don’st want to hear about them, you don’st want to hear abouttheir birth was fine, you know you’re like you do a lot of ‘Why me, why me?’ You can be yeah it’s quite it’s quite funny. So, those groups were really good in the fact that there were other people out there who say exactly the same as you – ‘Why me?’ ‘ah de de de had this great birth. You get a lot with people who say, “Oh you should be over it by now.” This is what they say in these groups, and it’s so nice that I don’st think that they don’st think that, each other doesn’st think that so it’s OK. And they’re very supportive.

There was again when it was right in the early days I remember this midwife ringing and leaving this message saying, “Oh and just to let you know here’s the details of this pre-eclampsia group; here’s the phone number and that,” and it was just like, [click] and that was it, I just I didn’st have anything in me at that point; no-one I felt like I had to fix myself. I was the one who had to go and seek medical help. I had to go and seek psychological help. I had to pay for it all, which is fine but I did you know it was and I was yeah so I saw the counsellor about eight, a good eight months I think to the point where I wanted to come off the medication, the anti-depressants, everything, with her support and did it all kind of thing.

And finished it even though I do get days where I would love to still be seeing her. But I feel that she was there for that reason, and it’s finished and I think you can’t always drag everything on with you.

Every time I heard say if I heard my husband on the phone telling people, “Oh you know, this is what’s happened,” my heart was racing you know, and I used to say to him, “Can you not tell people, or in my earshot, and can we not talk about it to anyone today because I can’t I get panicky.” So I was just was, yeah just constantly panicking; constantly worried I was short of breath to the point where I was having follow-ups at the hospital every day.

They again I think I don’st know if it’s because I’m a nurse or what, or I work for the same Trust, but they were brilliant. I virtually was seen we’d go down and see this consultant in the medical management, like the AMU [Acute Medical Unit] kind of thing every day [laughs], and she would do a top to tail, and she was checking my stats and that and but this is where like the hypochondria, I think kind of started kicking in, and I was convincing myself I had a PE [pulmonary embolism]; no, a DVT [deep vein thrombosis] I think first. Then I or I thought I had a PE one of them to the point where I virtually ended up convincing this poor consultant that she ended up the only way I could ever appease my mind was to go and have tests. So she I went and had a scan, looks fine, no PE and everything, and there was nothing, they couldn’st find anything wrong with me. I was having going to go for a 24 tape monitors because my heart rate was still high; it was still in the 90s, 100s. Blood pressure was OK on the tablets so it was fine, it wasn’st going up anywhere. But then sort of so, I remember coming home and my mum going cos she was brilliant; she would stay up, and she was like”So, have you so, you’re fine there’s no PE?” I said, “No, that’s good,” and then I just sat there and thought I had a pain in my thigh and I went, “ah I’ve got a DVT.” That was it. I was convinced I had a DVT. It kept moving and it was so scary because this isn’t me, I’m a very rational person, very, you know just not like it. And it was real, it was so real that I was driving my husband round the bend; I was driving, I think, everyone round the bend. I just always thought something was wrong.

Doing the dreaded looking through Google making things then a whole lot worse; laying awake, panicking, worrying; worrying that I was unwell; never wanted to be far from the hospital in case I needed to go back in it. So in the end and the consultant after that PE time did sit there and say, “Maybe there’s something else going on here in your head,” you know nicely, and she suggested I go and see the GP, which I said, funnily I have arranged.

Yeah and Iand I remember my friend saying to me, “I need you to know, you know that” and she goes, “I don’st want you to be hard on yourself because I know what your like.” She was like, “But you can see what happened, you know this, that and the other, and this is, you know; don’st be hard on yourself, just” and that’s what I needed and that’s why I needed like the counsellor and the therapist she was brilliant. She was, you know just kept reassuring me. It was funny, as at the time I just wanted to be surrounded by women because they were just kind and just really like, “It’s OK, it’s hard, no-one will tell you how hard it is.” It’s kind of like until you’sve been through even having a baby that’s when you know. And yeah. So, you know a lot of people supporting and saying just, “Be easy on yourself, be kind; be kind to yourself.” And I was I’m such a strong person. I’ve got to be strong; I’ve got to be strong.

Anyway, 4am I woke up and my water’s had broken. So, quickly woke my husband, and then the policy at our hospital is once your waters break you go down to be checked.

And, you know then we’ll probably going back home kind of thing, but their policy is waters break, straight for a check-up. So, got up, showered, took everything with me as you do [laughs], the bag and everything. And was feeling a few cramps but nothing big, so I was thinking, ‘OK, this is OK, this is alright. So I got there about 6am in the morning; was checked and there was a lot of umming and ahing about how much the waters had broken. Because it had been in the bed they kept saying, “How much pads?” and all that, but I didn’st have pads in. I don’st know but it was a lot because I ran to the toilet and there was a lot, a lot of water and there was a lot coming out. So, I was convinced and then there was talk of high waters, low waters, all that kind of thing. ‘Maybe it’s just your low waters,’ I don’st know, you know it was all news to me these different waters. So I was just like OK. But to me they had properly broken. So, did all the tests blood pressure; blood pressure was again always hanging at around a 150/90s always about that. And I said to the woman, you know I’ve been monitored for high blood pressure, this is a and they examined me and I was two centimetres. So, she said to me that they had a lot of inductions booked in that day and because I was booked in for the induction the next day, to go home and if nothing happens in the day, to come back tomorrow for your continuing for your induction.

And then the next morning she brought in breakfast for me and my husband, and suddenly I was just eating it and out of nowhere my heartrate just went flying up really high like de de de hundred and fifty kind of thing going because I was on the monitors I could see it, and I was really panicky. I was like, “What’s this [husband’s name], can you go and get someone, can you go and get someone?” She’d come back in, she knew nothing and then they were taking my blood pressure and it was still quite high, and the problem is every time I would look at the monitor my heart rate; everything went up, I was like really anxious. And I then it was weird because then what kept kicking in to my head was because I’m a because you know a cardiac nurse I knew kind of what I don’st know what was going on and kind of thing like that. And then what worried me was they weren’t cardiac nurses; they don’st know what’s going on. So she was just… and it just stopped and it just then settled. And then again I think then that day they blur a bit because I spent a couple of days in the HDU but all I remember was it was really strange where it was normally it’s like the baby’s been born, it’s all about the baby. To me it was all about me.

Yeah, so there was a whole we had, a month afterwards I think where I was home for two days, and then one night I had a banging headache all night, and I thought maybe it’s the hormones or not. And I had a blood pressure monitor at home; again something that was not a good thing; and I took my blood pressure one morning; that morning and it was really high it was a hundred and eighty over something. I remember my dear friend, this midwife, and she was like, “Take your tablets, give it an hour.” OK. Take it again, it was still high and I just didn’st feel right. So, it was a Saturday again, so she took me down the hospital where this time it was much more busy and I it was different to say the week before when I’d been there having the baby; it was different; different staff. I was really panicking about these blood pressure and that was obviously bringing it up again. Because what had happened actually, sorry, in hospital is a registrar had come up to me a few days in talking about my blood pressure, and she said to me that pre-eclampsia can sometimes stay or come back after four or five days after delivery. But said something that always stuck, and she said, up to six weeks after. Now, that was it, it was stuck in my head. I virtually counted down that six weeks in my head, and it might have just I don’st even know to this day even if it’s true or not, but itI was constantly anxious, panicking thinking I was going to die; didn’st want to leave her. It really really weird like questioning what my mortality all the time. I ended up in hospital; they started me on Ramipril this time, and that’s when they said, “But if you have ramipril you can’t breastfeed at all,” because at that time I was then expressing because I couldn’st breastfeed so there was no breast milk at all. And there was the consultant that turned up the Monday really cross with someone’s decision for doing that. But that point I didn’st mind. It was kind of like breastfeeding was one element in everything that we didn’st need, and my husband was quite you know let’s get rid of this breastfeeding bottles, let’s stick with this because this is an added element that we need to get rid of, so we got rid of breastfeeding, bang, out the way.

I often want-, you know, I’m like was it postnatal depression, was it post-traumatic stress. I was always in the line of post-traumatic stress; it was an incident that happened. Quite a lot of the time I explained it like I just feel my head’s here, my body’s here, they’re out of balance, they’sve gone like this.

And they each just line up again; like my body’s doing something my mind’s not letting it, you know it was kind of like that and we were I was just so out of balance. And it just felt like the adrenaline tap was on all the time and it had been left on and I’m trying to turn it off. But I just felt like shhhh, so I just I don’st know if it was the hormones, the drugs, the whole episode you know.

I don’st know if it’s from just public perception of having a baby, because I remember even before I’d be pregnant you hear, ‘Well you’re not you know pregnant women, well they’re not ill, they’re not’ you know when people are like, ‘Oh I’m pregnant and I’ve got this, that and the other,’ that kind of thing.

But it’s like I’m not, you knowbut it actually is a big thing, it’s huge, it’s huge having a baby and people just under-estimate it massively, and I don’st, you know yeah it’s funny, it is big. And there’s I don’st know if there’s still thatthat kind of that school of thought, like not until you’sve had a baby you realise but then you don’st want to scare other mums off, so no-one really tells you the true picture of what’s happening.

Because I remember me and my [national patient charity] group, we were likeI said, “Do you know I’m going write a book called The Truth, and really what it’s like.” And then as time passes you’re like, ‘No, I don’st want to scare my friend who’s just about to go through all this. I’ve got two pregnant friends now. That’s, you know they know what I went through and they know it’s hard but they didn’st go through it so it’s fine; they don’st know how I feel, but I wouldn’st scare I’m not going to go through and scare somebody, so I think that’s where it all just gets watered down again.