And when I was starting to waste my money on drugs. Which I think will be quite evident to people at the university, people in my hall of residence, people in my teaching department. I think they’d have known that you know, I was taking a lot of drugs. And also I wasn’t turning up for lectures. I wasn’t turning up for seminars even. At one point I think my programme in my second year at [place] University I had two engagements a week. I think that’s one lecture and one seminar. I didn’t even go to them. And when I did go, I felt very paranoid. I felt paranoid being on buses in the town centre. Because I’d been smoking drugs. I was given no support with the psychological effects of losing my leg and things and also I had a lot of pain, lack of mobility with my leg, and I could have turned for help.

I mean I’ve heard of people with artificial legs who are on a maintenance dose of morphine even you know. I mean I could have sort of had some sort of help. Instead I did it illegally and you know, drugs subculture. I got paranoid and I failed my finals that just decimated me you know

Obviously I did smoke in a way to kind of control, you know, you know in a way it was a medicating thing, you know, obviously when you stop that you stop doing that, you know that overactive thoughts and stuff but they all come flooding back don’t they? And everyone has that in different ways of like coping like whether it be exercise or whatever it is you know. But I hadn’t really learnt a way of coping with all those thoughts because I’d been smoking for the last eight years or whatever ten years maybe even.

I remember sitting in my office and this voice behind me saying, You’ve done it wrong I was in-putting some data into a computer and in those days computers were still on tapes.

So it used to take ages for it, them to wind around and bring everything together for you, [coughs] and I looked around and there was nobody there and so I went to the pub and got absolutely drunk, and I guess drink then became my second coping strategy.

And then when I was drunk of course I would do stupid things and, get into really weird, situations that, and I thought that the voices would disappear, well the voice initially, but that it didn’t the, I got more voices and I ended up that I was going to work and, but I wouldn’t work I’d just sit there and listen to all this nonsense going on and, some of it quite, vile.

Like it just, I had friends, but I just didn’t feel very comfortable or secure. I don’t know what it was. I think it was the first part of my illness, but it’s hard to say, what exactly was going on. I think it’s like a circle, like I felt isolated, so I wasn’t making friends, so I felt unwell, and that made me feel further isolated and so I wasn’t making friends and it just went on like that. Yes.

And was this from your first year onward?

Yeah. It happened from the beginning. And I got involved with this guy, and he was like, just, not, we were in love, but he wasn’t, like he was a good boyfriend, and that we liked to talk about things and feelings and stuff. But he was a bad boyfriend in that he wasn’t very loving and caring and he wasn’t very supportive. He needed a lot of support himself. And we, drank a lot. I drank a lot. We smoked a lot of marijuana. We tried all sorts of drugs, which weren’t very good for my health at all. Got in really bad states from drugs and alcohol. So, yes, there was that as well.

And what was your experience of that?

God, in moderation and with the right people, they’re okay. But you shouldn’t. You can just get so out of your depth with those kind of things. Yeah, that’s my experience.

At the age of 16 I got into drugs. You know, sort of cannabis, and that graduated to LSD, and I think that was the beginning of me problems, I think, you know. I had some bad LSD trips. Yeah, and that, yeah, yeah.

What were the bad trips like?

Oh… Well they were really weird, yes. It was all the rage, and I thought you know, you thought you could see God by taking LSD or something in those days [laughs]. And and yes.

So what happened next after at the age of 16 you were getting into drugs and so on?

Well… I had a bad acid trip, I think at the age of 18. And that was, yes, I was sort of, I was 18 in the summer of 67 so that was quite good, you know. And then I went to university, at university and I was studying the wrong subject.

A so-called friend of mine advised me to do this. And, it was all the rage, and I did it, and I couldn’t really get into the work. So I got into the sort of social scene there.

And that was disastrous and I took another LSD trip and that was the beginning of my schizophrenia I think. Yes.

January early February whatever of my final year [laughter] you know, and I guess part of this was also an excuse to not be able deal with my finals because I had no idea how I was going to, what I was going to do after, no way could I have returned to any, you know, to, you know the thing that terrified me the most was in a way finishing uni and what the hell was I going to do then. You know, so I almost created this complete insane kind of like, you know drama again in a way to kind of like avoid sort of dealing with yes reality or whatever. but I remember having a trip with this person I was with and it was quite a full on trip as well and after that I never properly managed to leave that, that trip kind of thing, I’d done so much as well by this point as well that trips had started to affect me quite negatively as well even though I didn’t maybe stop doing them. They weren’t always this incredible wow experience that I’d had off them of like experiencing things like, you know what I mean it was, you know, they’d become quite dark too, because you can’t help but introspect and yes I don’t know. I guess went through sort of the emotions of it all at the time or something but I kind of wanted to shut down, if that makes sense.

Previously I had, I had a slight problem with alcohol, but I’m virtually teetotal now, and that. It certainly is a long time since I’ve been bladdered. And you know, as you’ve heard I don’t really like going up the pub, unless it’s sort of, during the day and that where things are quite light atmosphere. Yes.

So what was it like, you said you had a problem, why was it a problem?

I think it was becI think it was propping me up every day. I didn’t feel as if I could function without it, sort of thing, you know. And it wasn’t doing me any favours. I wasn’t you know, popular with my friends and that, I wasn’t a particularly nice person to know, always when I’d had a few drinks and that. And certainly when I was younger if I’d had a few drinks than I was all free and easy, which wasn’t doing my reputation or my self-esteem much good, you know.

Yes. So it was destructive behaviour. And perhaps more, socially acceptable than cutting yourself up or whatever, but destructive behaviour all the same. Yes.

I’ve had like weird things happen before like when I was smoking really quick, and really strong stuff I was… I was blacked out, hit my head on concrete, and like apparently I was like kicking a door because I was in like an archway thing. And I was like unconscious for like five or ten minutes. Then I woke up, and it was like a bit of my brain just vanished into thin air. it’s ridiculous. I don’t know why. But that’s happened before, although it was different circumstances. It was in a concert and I had a beer and someone must have put something in it. Because I drank some, and then I, within like two minutes I’d blacked out and I was on the floor, and then my mates didn’t know, but I think I was unconscious for like ten minutes.

Well they couldn’t see me, because they was just packed. People were probably walking all over me.

Well I think that smoking marijuana just was making me more and more depressed, and yes, it just got on top of me, and it was like a bad feeling that wouldn’t go away, and it was a feeling that I was like clinging onto because my worth was so low. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I can handle people doing drugs now. They can do drugs around me, they can drink around me, and I don’t necessarily stigmatise them into thinking that it’s doing bad things for them, because they might be totally comfortable with it and just enjoying the high. But for me it went out of control.

Did the high go out of control or did the

The lows. I just got likeI got addicted to a bad thing. To a thing that was bad for me. Like I checked I was it, even though it wasn’t making me feel very well. it’s strange what I was doing, but that’s just what I did. I thought it looked good. Yeah.

I think I took my last LSD trip when I was about 22 I think. I even took some LSD trips after I came out of hospital. Which was a bit silly. And I stopped smoking cannabis, I think at the age of 35. [2 sec pause] I was smoking with a friend, and I just thought, I thought my friend might be going to kill me and I thought oh my God. So I stopped taking it. I gave up drinking at the age of 40. I still smoke cigarettes a lot though.

Yes, when I was in hospital I thought people kept giving me drugs [laughs]. It was funny and I was so desperate I was just taking them, you know, it was a crazy situation. Yes.

As an in-patient?

Yes. Yes.

What were they giving you?

Cannabis. God knows what. They just gave me stuff and I took it. And it was terrible [laughs]. it’s against my religious vows not to take any street drugs. I wouldn’t go back on that anyway. Yes.

I know it has been a long struggle.

But I mean I know it’s, [clears throat] early days, and it’s something that he’s going to have to live with and sort of try and manage himself. Which he is, which he is doing [coughs]. He knows he can’t drink too much whenever he’sand I mean young men that socialisewell I don’t know in this town anyway, no matter what town you’re in, you do end up going out for drinks and so forth. And I think its also trying to manage that as well. That he can’t drink too much. But he seems to be doing all right at the moment.