David – Interview 28
David feels like he has been involved with mental health services his whole life, and started self-harming aged 14. After being discharged from the army for self-harm, he ‘lost his way’ and eventually went to prison. Now he is training to be a support worker, has done a degree in applied psychology, and found CBT useful.
David says he doesn’t know what it is like not to be involved with mental health services as he has been his whole life’. He always wanted to be in the military and never did particularly well at school. He started self-harming when he was at school, and always found it difficult to make sense of the world around [him]’. He said being at school was horrible’; he lost interest and now thinks he had learning difficulties.
When David went into the army at the age of 17, it was noticed that he cut his arms and he was discharged with a stress disorder’ and asthma. He saw a psychiatric nurse when he was 17. He says he got half-way through [the army] breaking [him] down and[‚] never got built back up’. He lost [his] way’, got into alcohol and drugs, and eventually went to prison. He found some of the routines similar to military procedures. He lost both his grandparents when he was in prison, and thinks that is where his anxious sort of thing came from’. He used self-harm to try and regulate’ himself as there was a lot of turmoil’ going on. He never had an issue with it’ but other people’s reactions to self-harm were more pronounced. He had started writing words when he was cutting; his parents didn’t know what to do with that’. Eventually he was prosecuted for criminal damage as he had smashed a window, but didn’t register he did it’. He felt that he had made a war zone’ around himself and isolated himself, and that his lifestyle was confrontational and destructive. He didn’t feel connected with society’ and hated everything about himself’. He got involved with the Prince’s Trust but kept slipping back’.
David remembers induc[ing] psychosis as he used to get picked on quite a bit. He was trying to get himself angry enough to fight back’. He tried MDMA and weed to help him relax, and then get caught, so just used alcohol instead. He said that he never got into drugs in a big way’ because he always had the self-harm. He says that when the psychosis kicked in’ he wasn’t conscious of what’s going on around [him]’. Sometimes he sought it out’ to find that comfort’. He thought he was communicating with things and people’ and playing conversations through [his] head’. He always had the illusion that the doctors [..] were brilliant’ but now he thinks they know as much as we do most of the time’. Only a couple of doctors have directed [him] in sort of the right direction’.
Eventually he built his relationship up with his Dad and went back to college and University. He studied psychology and found it useful, as there was a lot of information he picked up’. He would have found CBT a bit patronising’ had he not done his degree, and thought that it denied personal responsibility a little bit. He felt he would never have learned CBT approaches unless he had to. He struggled a lot during his exams and he would switch off totally’ and then fell back’. He would hear voices and get a surreal feeling’ of being distant’. He felt a lot of anger during this period too. At times when he was walking down the street people would react to him, but he now understands it as a reaction to his anxious behaviour. Sometimes he couldn’t tell whether people were saying things or if he was hearing voices. When he starts to hear voices and feeling stressed, he needs to close everything off’ and shut everything down’ because he doesn’t want to initiate mental health procedures. He has never really talked about the psychosis as he was afraid of what could happen. He finds that there is support when you hit rock bottom’ but not when you’re in a transitional period’. He now gets support from a local centre, but when he experiences certain things he [doesn’t] want to contact anyone’. Via social networking sites he’s realised that he can believe what [he] believe[s]’ and still be a part of society. He found that instead of beliefs being detrimental to what [he] was doing’ it has been the other way round’ and they help him get through and to challenge things. He always been all right in [himself]’ but it was how [he fits] into the world’ where the obstacles have been. Financially now he is very, very stretched’ but has managed to minimise some costs which affect his mental health. He doesn’t want to get a full diagnosis to get disability living allowance. He now wants to work in a support role working in mental health as it is the world [he’s] been living in all [his] life’. He has some coping strategies in place’ and it is something he has to keep plugging away at’. He thinks that spirituality is part of his recovery, as well as paganism and ancient religions. His recovery has included research into magic and ritual, as well as education, including psychology, neurolinguistic programming, doing peer support work and mentoring training. Anti-depressants never really did anything’ but he has benefited from talking therapies and having the environment and support around’.