So when you began to experience postnatal depression, what did it feel like? What was going on for you?

I just kept crying all the time. I hated life. I hated being where I was. Although [name of ex-husband] was in the army we were put in this lovely place in [name of country]. I loved the town and everything and the people. But there were very few English people. In a way it was a blessing because we didn’t have true military life. We were in with [local people], so I knew more about where I was living, but I had nobody I could talk to. My Mum came over because I was that bad she actually came on the coach, which she would never, ever, ever had done, apart from her baby needed her. So that was lovely. And she had to look after my daughter. I was just tearful all the time. I just hated life completely. And they weren’t used to that there. So the army doctors and things didn’t know how to treat me and I think that was why I was sent back to the UK really.

And I think for him, finding out as much information as well, I think that was important. Not that every, well, you kind of use the term quite loosely, carers, but not that every carer’s going to, going to, you know, have to do the same with different people, you know, because I’m obviously going to be different to somebody else with depression. But he, he read what he could and, and got support where it was offered and kind of used that in terms of supporting me. But, yes, I think I, at times I did drive him a bit mad [laugh].

You were saying you sort of use the term carer quite loosely.

Yes.

Is that how would you sort of define that?

Well, I don’t know. I mean it, it’s not quite the same as caring for somebody physically, I mean they’re not caring to the point where somebody is having to get you physically out of bed and dress you and, it’s not that type of caring. The caring is kind of more emotionally caring and caring for your safety, caring to make sure you’re okay. I mean he would ma-, I mean he makes, he still does actually, it’s a pattern that’s continued to this day, he makes the, he makes the tea every night. But hes done that from the very beginning and that was part of his caring role then, making me dinner and kind of to help with the housework, sharing the chores. I was, because I was quite apathetic a lot of the time, quite tired, very often didn’t get up till lunchtime, you know, the he had a part to play as a carer. But hes my husband. So I kind of, I don’t know, it’s a, it’s, I don’t know if theres any other word for it, but he was, he was supportive.

I mean he does come out. He comes out the odd times for like a few hours. Sometimes hell come out for half an hour and I’ve to go back because hes in a state. We usually try and work through it and he comes home and I said, Oh well well just do this or just do that. Last time he came home, we actually walked round the shop and we got the paper and did a little bit of shopping just round the corner. He I have to sort of keep going over these hurdles and saying, Well don’t go back yet, have a bit of lunch with me. Or do something like this. And usually once he comes out, hes out for probably six hours or longer. I took him fishing a few weeks ago because he came home and, Oh I don’t know what to do. And he lays on the settee and I think well really he needs to be doing something. So I said to him, Would you like to go fishing? Which he hasn’t done for a couple of years. Which used to be his absolute joy. He used to love fishing. So he said, Oh I don’t know if I can. Anyway we talked about it. He went and got his fishing tackle out and we went fishing and he got himself in a real tizz when he got there, his float wouldn’t float, he couldn’t do it properly, and I said to him, Just calm down. Take a deep breath. You know, I can’t do it. I’ve lost it. I’ve lost it how to do fishing. I said, You haven’t, just take your time. And he did and he caught seven fish. But all of a sudden his thoughts came back again and I had to help him pack up. I was worried that he might take a dive into the water, because he was getting very distressed. He didn’t. And I had to take him straight back to the unit, whereas he had hoped to come home, have a bath and a shave before I took him back but he felt, then he felt he was a failure because he couldn’t even go fishing without his thoughts being there. But I said to him, You’re not failure, its, you’re not failing, you’ve done it, you know.