I stopped taking heroin at that point but what that did and I didn’t see what that did. It just shifted all of that addictive behaviour over to the drinking. So my drinking just went out of control. I mean I, I’ll use an example.

I started doing my dissertation a couple of months after that. Now my dissertation is a fucking fabulous piece of work. I got 69%, one off a first for it. I have no memory of writing my dissertation at all. What I would do at the beginning of every evening, and I mean every single evening is that I’d work in the library from about 5 o’clock to 10 o’clock. I would go to – I lived in a huge halls of residence, a huge block. Underneath that was an off licence. I would go there. I would buy three bottles of white wine, two packets of cigarettes and I worked from 10 o’clock at night to 6’00 in the morning typing, drinking, smoking, typing, drinking, smoking. At 6’00 in the morning I was so hyper, my mind was so blown wide open that I’d have to roll a skunk joint basically just to get myself off to sleep. I’d wake up at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and then at 5 o’clock I’d be in the library and I’d do the same again and again and again and again. It’s a brilliant dissertation. It got the highest mark of anyone in my year. It’s fabulous.

But you don’t remember how?

No I don’t remember any of it.

Ok. So

So that was my drinking after I’d given up smack was three bottles of white wine a night.

And why did you give up heroin because not everybody who?

Well I’m not, I mean I’m not an idiot. Like, I knew that I’d been very, very, very lucky. I knew that I’d been lucky and I was like – and also it’s got, of all the drugs really there are two drugs out of all of them that people in mainstream society view as being the dirty ones is heroin and crack. And I never, I never took crack. It was never really. It was just never there but I knew that I had this fucking degree to get and my willpower, my ego was so huge [laugh] that. I mean I was never going to get my degree let alone get a good 2’1 which is what I got in the end if I was going to carry on doing this, you know. And so I stopped but really I stopped but it didn’t really affect my daily life because I was still abusing myself tremendously. I was just doing it in a more socially salubrious sort of way but those days were really. I mean, yeah really. I mean it, you know when people talk about hardcore addiction, or like hardcore alcoholism, mine was between August ’04 and January ’06. Some people’s hardcore addiction goes on for 20, 30 years and I just don’t know how they fucking do it. I’d never be able to do it.

How did your friends at that time react when you started changing and sort of looking at your life from another?

It was kind of mixed. At the time it was like, Ah she thinks that she’s too good for us now. She thinks she’s too hot. Why are you trying to be something that you’re not?’ kind of thing. But there was a mixture of like, Good for you’ as well kind of keep it up. And now even those same people from school whenever I’ve seen them, it’s the worst thing like. So if I do go down the pub on a Saturday night or something for a couple of drinks and there will be people from school saying, You’ve done so well. I remember you. [dah, de dah, de dah] I see your Facebook pictures in Africa. And I have to sit there for like half an hour listening to this drunk person tell me all that. I remember you. You’ve done so well. I always look at your Facebook statuses. There so inspirational. [laugh] Like that’s what it is like now.

But at the time it was kind of like, Why are you trying to be something that you’re not?’ Even the way I talk now I talk a lot better now. Before I used to talk. Can’t even do it anymore. Like you know that proper like Wild One like a rude girl definitely. Wild One is a patois, Jamaican say. But like, like this though, like that kind of talking, you know that taking the mick kind of young person talk. That’s how I used to talk. But now obviously I know that it’s not.

I think that pronouncing words is an art. You take time to make sure you pronounce your words properly and that’s what I like to do. But at the time there were like, Why are you trying to be something that you’re not?’ And I’m like, I’m whoever I want to be’ [laugh].

Was it at times difficult? Were you tempted to go back to using heroin?

Obviously there’s times when you get cravings and what have you or perhaps you see an old friend in town or something and, you know that’s somebody you used to use with and that brings back memories and you want to go and use then. But personally no I didn’t have too much of a problem. On the whole it’s not been too bad.

Again based on your experience if you are telling someone who is starting this treatment what do you think is important for them to know?

Disassociate yourself from other users whoever they may be, family, friends, close relatives whatever – disassociate yourself because that is the main starting point. You can’t really be around other users and try and get off yourself because you’d be too tempted. Stick to your script. don’t use on top and don’t drop down too soon. Only reduce your methadone when you know you’re ready. And that’s about it really. it’s just a matter of keeping a positive frame of mind about it.

Ok so you did exactly that. You just disassociated yourself from people where you used to?

Yeah

But you were living in the same place, in the same town, in the same city?

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah I could have, you know, jumped on a bus and gone and got some whenever I wanted.

Was that easy to?

To score?

Was that easy to leave these friends or this group behind?

No it wasn’t especially at first because these are people I’d grown up with all my life. I’d known them since I was about five years old some of them. So even though you’ve been through all the drug use and all the rest of it and it’s destroyed your life they are still a big part of your life, what’s left of it. You know what I mean. So you naturally try and hold on to that. So yeah that’s quite emotional but saying that, the drugs block out your emotions anyway. So I didn’t feel it too much at the time.

Have you made new friends? Have you another group?

Yeah, yeah totally different life now. I’ve been to college and I’ve got a girlfriend and a son, totally different life now.

So how do you see those positives now? How do they help you?

Well the fact that I’ve got my life back. As I’ve just said I’ve got a girlfriend, I’ve got a son, I’ve got a job, flat, family, friends. You know what I mean all those things are positive. They are things I didn’t have before.

And that helps?

Yeah. I mean people might take that for granted but to me that means a lot.

I’d love to say that I’d never go back to the way I was but in all honesty if my life was to fall apart it’s probably the first thing I’d do. Recently I lost, I lost a big chunk of one of my jobs. I lost 24 hours. My first reaction was to head for the pub that I used to go to all the time. And I did get out and I did got extremely drunk and it wasn’t a working day so that was alright. But the way I was feeling, you know, the way I was feeling I could, I was wobbling. Luckily my friends were very supportive of me. They kept me away from doing anything I regretted. But I probably could, you know, if I hadn’t of had my girlfriend and other things to make me think, Hold on don’t do anything silly’ I could have slipped into it again. So…

And this is because of losing?

Because I lost something that was precious to me. I, like I said before, youth work means a lot to me. You know, it’s one of my reasons for being like I am. So if I was to lose say, god I shouldn’t even say it, but say my partner was to ever go or take my child or whatever or something was to happen to anybody that I loved I would have a hard time staying the way I am. And that’s scares me, that really scares me because I know the attraction. I know that if I wanted to feel nothing I could go and I could get that. I could feel better, you know. It’s only a matter of 20 minutes then I’ll be alright. Do you know what I mean? But I wouldn’t really be alright. But, so that does scare me. But I think if I ever get into that situation I’d leave the area because if I’m not in this area then I’ve got a lot less access to things, you know. One of my ambitions actually is to move away from here. I do love it. I’ve got some really close friends here but I’ve done a lot of things there, I don’t know. But I think to take, to take me to a new level so that I’ve got a fresh start, you know, I can develop what I’ve developed already. I think moving away and going somewhere new would be good for me and my family. And I think we could develop it and I feel that would be good.