It was end of July and I went to see him in his clinic. And he said that, although the results had come back clear, because I’d got CGIN, they couldn’t rule out, although I was showing clear margins, what he said was the clear margins can show and they only, they basically check for a two millimetre clearance. But because of the nature of the abnormality in the first place, he couldn’t rule out that there were clear margins and then I would have then CGIN somewhere else within my womb.

And so then, due to me having the problems that I’d been having with periods, he thought it was in my best interests to have a hysterectomy. And plus also I’d completed my family. I had a choice. I didn’t have to have the hysterectomy. And I thought well this will save me worrying every six months. Thinking, Oh my gosh it’s going to come back, or it’s not been detected in the first place So I had a hysterectomy three days later.

Again it was all very, very quick. Now the problem I’ve got is I’d just applied for a new job as well and I’d got it. So I had to go and see them and explain that I was due to have a hysterectomy and would they hold back the start date, and luckily they said yes. So I went in, like I said, three days later, and had the hysterectomy.

He [consultant] then gave me an option of having this trachelectomy or a hysterectomy.

I was a bit cross and a bit annoyed that he gave me that option, and that I had to think about what I was going to do. But weighing up the pros and cons and just wanted things getting out of me, and I just wanted the cancer going. And I’ve never wanted children, and he said that if I had two children then the trachelectomy wouldn’t have been an option. So for that reasons really I decided to go for the hysterectomy.

My family – I always speak to, my mum and my sister are like my best friends, so I just talk to them about everything. But when my mum did find out, she came back off holiday. I mean everybody that I spoke to really was sort of, you know, we can’t make the decision for you but they took into consideration that I’ve always said I don’t want children. And my mum was very much, You don’t want children, now you’ve never wanted children If this is going to be, you know, to get shot of things, then she was more supporting the hysterectomy more than anything. Well more than anyone as well, she was, I think she was pushing for that more. Yeah.

So you went back and told the new consultant and what happened at that appointment?

He said that I had to be 110% sure. He said if there was anything, he said if you’re only 99.9% sure that you don’t want children, then I’d be offering you the trachelectomy. But then at that point you see, I said to him, I want the hysterectomy. I’m 100% sure And then that’s where they started saying, not, but then, they himself was leaning more towards the hysterectomy, does that make sense what I’m saying?

Because he was like, then he starts telling you, oh if you’d have the trachelectomy something or, I can’t remember what he said but it was like, okay, I’ve definitely made the right decision to have the hysterectomy. Oh that was it; he was telling me that if I’d gone for the trachelectomy and if there’d been any chance of reoccurrence or anything like that, then it would be more difficult to operate. So I came out of that appointment definitely knowing that I’d made the best decision with having a hysterectomy.

How did you feel on the morning of going for the operation? Because had you ever had any surgery before?

I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 18. No I’d never had any surgery. I was absolutely terrified and I’m not good with hospitals. I had both my children at a local hospital. It wasn’t a big one, no big machinery or anything like that, it was, you know, all carpeted, so I was absolutely terrified, I really was.

And I was in the ward, and the anaesthetist came round and explained to me what was going to happen. She had a look at my hands and said that, you know, what kind of veins I’d got. And said what she was going to do, because I said I was absolutely petrified about the whole procedure. I wasn’t good with needles, anything like that. And she was really good.

And then the consultant came round as well, and told me what he was going to do. And it was okay. And I was second; I was told straight away that I was second on the list. I think I had to be in for 10, and I went down at one oclock. And so they, although there was a little bit of waiting around, it went so fast. There were other people there that I’d met through the counselling session two days before. So I kind of built up a couple of friendships in the hospital.

…I remember being taken down for the procedure, and I was shaking that much about having the anaesthetic; the worst thing for me is having the needles put in my hands. And I was scared that I wasn’t going to wake up. And I wrote [partner’s name] a list of all, everywhere, you know all the health insurances and everything we’d got in case I didn’t come back.

And I remember going down and I was so sad and there was this little baby coming back the other way, whod obviously just had a procedure. And I thought, Oh gosh, you know don’t be so stupid. Little children can have horrible things done, and you know, you can do this. And I remember being, lying there and they tried to put the, is it the canula into my hands and give me the anaesthetic, and they couldn’t find my veins. And they put a saline flush through and I was shaking that much that I was actually lifting off the table, that in the end they thought it was only kind to put me out using gas. Which is what they did. And obviously I just remember waking up.

I think it was about, gosh, a quarter to three in the afternoon they came for me. And took me down to theatre and I had, the old consultant was the first person I saw down there, who again was lovely. Gave me a big hug, very reassuring.

And then they took me into the theatre room and that’s when things, well that’s when I started, I just broke down in tears. I can remember just lying on the trolley in absolute gusts of tears. But by that time you’re in there and it’s very, very clinical isn’t it? And nobody’s really got time to waste in beingso they just stabbed my arm and put me to sleep. I was in tears when they put me to sleep. I can remember looking through the door and seeing the consultant there, but that’s it, gosh. That was a horrible, horrible, yeah that was horrible. Out of everything, that was the worst moment ever I have to say.

What would have helped in that moment?

I don’t know, I don’t know if it would have helped me taking somebody with me, who could’ve come in, who could have come down there. I think that probably would, I think looking back now really I should’ve asked [partner’s name] to come. Even, just to keep, you know, someone to talk to whilst I was waiting to go down. But just to go down to theatre with me, just to hold my hand I think whilst I was there.

Because, like I say, that point when I started crying, the nurses just took over and it was a case of , Too late now love, sorry Oh yes, so definitely gosh if ever I have anything like that done again, I’ll take somebody with me. I don’t care how upsetting it would be for them to see me going to sleep. I don’t care about that. I’ll just take someone with me.

So the next thing you remember is coming round?

Yes. I can remember waking up down there, much better coming round than when I had my anaesthetic for the LLETZ, there wasn’t the coughing, the spluttering, which I was quite pleased about. Because obviously at that point having my belly wounded which would have been awful. But I came round, they was very lovely and then they took me straight up onto the ward. And I was all dripped up, and just kept coming in and out of, just asleep.

I was sort of doing a bit more in hospital over the weekend; obviously getting up for the first time was horrendous. I think I spent 30 seconds in the shower, that’s all I could muster. But again the nurses was lovely and always there to help. But then I can remember on the Saturday I started doing more, and by Sunday I’d walked downstairs and gone to the canteen. When my dad came to visit, we went down there for a cup of coffee rather than stay on the ward. And then the Monday came home and then things slowly got better from then.

So what were you recommended, you know, what to do to look after yourself when you got home?

To rest, obviously keep mobile and things. Take the painkillers that I was taking. I was only taking paracetomol and Ibuprofen. I wasn’t taking anything else. And just rest and, from talking to everybody, they just, everybody said you feel like you want to do more, and you can do more, but realistically you can’t. And I can remember [partner’s name] had a week off, so I just sort of stayed either in bed or just on this couch. I think I certainly didn’t go very far.

And for six weeks I wasn’t able to walk the dogs and if I did too much I knew about it at night time. I think after the fourth week I was pulling out that television and oh, that night time I knew I was, that I done too much. Then that was when I gave myself a kick up the bum really and just said, No, I can’t keep doing that And just slowed right down and, it’s only just recently, last four weeks, three weeks I’d say, that I’m getting back to my usual routine. I can take the dogs out now, which is good and, yeah so the last four weeks I’ve been getting back to normal.

The first two weeks I really didn’t do anything, I’d probably go for a walk, kind of. I went for a walk every day, but literally 100 yards, then it was 200 yards. I’d say after the first month I was more able to do things like I was then at home with two children both under five. I couldn’t lift them. They got used to it. Not being, asking Mummy to pick up because she’d got a pain in her tummy. I mean they knew, you know they knew, they were really good actually. Oh, I can’t stress that enough, they were brilliant.

I’d say four weeks I felt able to kind of get on with my life again. Six weeks I was fine yeah, I was fine. And I went back to work after 8 weeks. But I know I was actually supposed to be off for 12, but I’d just started a new job so, I couldn’t kind of put it off any longer. They’d been anxious for me to start.

Ideally would you have liked the 12 weeks?

Yes. Yes, because mentally it takes a, you know, because obviously the physical side of it where you’re, you can’t lift, you can’t do anything. But the mental side was a lot worse. I think I said about, although I’d got my family, I hadn’t got those issues that I’d lost my fertility, you know, oh my gosh I’m never going to have children. I was very, very lucky that I’d completed that part of it.

But I wasn’t expecting how I was going to feel as, I felt less of a woman, I don’t know why. I think, I really don’t know why actually. I just did. And I felt that I had to make more of an effort, that I had to, you know wear more make up and I wore high heels. I’ve never worn high heels in my life. I’m a trainers girl. And I felt that I had to make more of an effort to feel more womanly. To, you know, I don’t know whether that was anything to do with hormonally, or whether that was just me perceiving it the way I did. I don’t know.

You need a little help because I live on my own; I have no one here except friends. All my family are abroad. And I could’ve coped a little better, and have a little assurance in my mind if I have somebody here.

It doesn’t have to be a long day like, only things that you need them to do, maybe to bring a little shopping. Or to give me something to eat, or help me from the bed or so, assist me to go to the toilet or to run my bath, or to help me up the step, to walk me up. To get me to do my bath, and bring me down. Just my changing clothes, someone to wash my clothes, in the machine right here. But when you’re so ill you can’t even think of these things. You can’t think of the outside world at all. And I was deprived of that.

…My family had to come all the way from abroad, one lot from Florida, one lot from Canada, New York, Trinidad. And they took it in turns to help me. So if I didn’t have family, I don’t know what I would have done.

I certainly have more of an attitude now of, I’m going to make me happy and I don’t really care very much for the consequences on other people. Which sounds really shallow and really nasty when you say it like that. But, before, I’ve always been very much, constantly worrying about what other people might think of you, constantly trying to be there for other people. And going through this, it’s sort of made me realise who I can rely on, and who are my friends. And I don’t need to rally round for everybody anymore and constantly go to their problems, because they haven’t done that for me. And I know who matters to me, and who don’t. And I’ll be looking after me and those who matter.

Have you looked at any of the areas of life in a different way, because some girls, women, said that they changed their diet or they were smoking before and they stopped, you know, all those kind of things

I have stopped smoking, but the thing is I’ve never really been a smoker, I’m more of a social smoker. But I did stop smoking. I stopped smoking the week before I went in for the hysterectomy. Because when I went for the anaesthetic and for the LLETZ and I woke up and I was coughing and spluttering, and that was absolutely horrendous. I didn’t want to go through that again. So I packed up the Tuesday before my, the week before, and I’ve not started smoking again. So that’s something I feel quite pleased about.

And I’m also trying to get healthier. And I’m more determined to try and be fit because when you look at, you know, you read all these things and people tell you well this can lead to cancer, and this can lead to cancer, and I don’t, you don’t know whether it does or not. But I certainly, you know my outlook like that has changed. I want to get healthy, and I do want to be healthy. And I want to be around really. I want to be around to see my niece and my nephew grow up. And I want to go out on more walks with the dogs, because I enjoy it and it’s going to help me stay fit.

I definitely appreciate my life. It sounds silly saying that, because obviously I appreciate life, but I realised how much my life meant to me. I realised how much my children meant to me and my family. And obviously my partner. I don’t take things for granted any more at all. I remember a lady posting something about, if you’ve got children and don’t do this, you know, be grateful, and it made me really think, really think, gosh I am really lucky you know. Although sometimes they don’t sleep and they’re naughty, I am so grateful that I have got my family and that, you know, that it just means so much to me.

And simple things like when I walk to work, I’m like really, really pleased about my surroundings, just being able to, you know, really appreciate where I live and where I’m from. And I just don’t take, I just feel extremely lucky that I’m here to be honest.

I think that I’m grateful that I had CIN3. And I think thank goodness I got caught, thank goodness I was put, thank goodness I went for screening. Thank goodness that I was put on the system; I was going to be monitored. That was such a relief to me knowing that they’d found something and I was going to be monitored for the next 10 years. I haven’t got this, you know, I’m going to be looked after for 10 years. I know that if they find anything it’s, you know, I’m going to be treated straight away. I knew that was, you know, that was always there. So that was a relief as well.