I missed lots of lectures and seminars and stuff. And yeah, so missing contact hours is quite detrimental sometimes. So I didn’t go. So yeah, I was missing out on quite a lot of the learning I suppose although there are resources it’s normally never the same as going to the lecture and learning it with the lecturer that you can ask questions to especially like the seminars as well incredibly useful environments to learn. So me not going to them was quite bad but I felt that I couldn’t go to them. Like, as I said before, I’d be arranging my hair kind of for ages before and like at some point I’d just give up in frustration and just be like, No, I’m staying at home today, not gonna go. Yeah, so it, in terms of other things like just general like essays or work deadlines that I had I wouldn’t say it sort of it affected too much because it was, for me, just the social side which was a struggle. Yeah, so yeah [laugh]. Obviously, as I said, the seeing someone about, at my university about it was really helpful and I think things were looking sort of up from there. Cos also sort of when you’re at university and you’ve missed quite a lot of lectures and seminars, you always feel like a bit like, Oh I’m not sure if I should go back, it’s going to look a bit weird like-, everyone’s going to think oh, she’s back. And, I don’t know, it just feels a bit strange to sort come back after a while of not coming to lectures and seminars but yeah, I think I did sort of come back sort of slowly ish and I did-, I did prefer being like at university and, you know, actually learning along with the lectures and seminars like my, my fellow students [laughs].

Has your alopecia had any impact on like university work or your life at university generally?

Yes actually lots, that’s very interesting. I told my supervisor that I was, like I might miss a couple of lectures and stuff here and there because I’m struggling with things and he told me to leave the university. He said, Maybe you should take a year out Mm. And I was like, I don’t wanna not take a year out, like I’m already a year behind because I’ve already taken a year out before university, and he was like, No you should definitely take a year out. And I’m like, You’re not listening to the things that I’m saying. I would like to stay in university, just maybe like I might miss a few lectures, but I’ll catch up on my own, like I’m fine with catching up at home. And yeah I kind of just left it there because he just kept pushing it which I mean I think for something that’s clearly not a physical condition, and also he said oh what was it? That I asked like if I failed this year would I be able to re-take it possibly, and he said, that would be, that would only be for unprecedented medical issues. And I was like, That, this is, that’s what this is. Like, That’s exactly what I have. And I, like he just kind of left it there and I was like well if this isn’t unprecedented medical issue like I, you might think that it doesn’t affect me physically in terms of how well I can do things, but like clearly it does because I’m saying I might miss things. So yeah it’s, that’s kind of difficult to explain to somebody how it affects you because without them knowing, I think also possibly the fact that he was male meant that he didn’t quite understand the severity of it to me personally. Yeah it was, it feels a lot like you’re not being listened to when you’re trying to explain that you might need a little bit more support. And they’re like, Oh you should probably leave, like that would help. Like No. No.

And I’ve got a lot to thank people, you know, teachers at my primary school, especially my reception teacher – she helped a lot, cos my hair started falling out in her classes when I was in Reception to Year 1 and she was there a lot for me. My mum was working at the school at the same time but she obviously she-, my mum couldn’t keep coming to me and seeing how I was because she was working, it was her job, which is absolutely fine. But when I did need help I’d go to my teacher first, because she was my teacher but I’d also had my mum there as well. And she actually gave me a little dog which is from the film Lady and the Tramp, so a little grey dog, Tramp, and I’ve still got him and she said, If there’s ever an issue and I’m not around or your mum’s not around and you feel very isolated, tell your problems to Tramp and put him in your pocket. So basically putting your problems, saying your problems out loud and then putting them away and dealing with them. And I saw her the other day actually at a barbecue and every time I mention I’ve still got the dog, you know, Thank you, thank you for making me as whacky as I am now, thank you for helping with my confidence and supporting me like another mother. [inhales] Very-, yeah, just had a very supportive, kind of environment there at school.

Yeah, so obviously with university you have exams, pretty big exams at the end of every year. So, at the moment, I’m anticipating that I won’t have very much hair growth for the duration of my degree, because it will be a constant cycle of growing, exams, hair loss and then gradual growing again. And I reckon that’s what it’ll be like for the next three years. Which I’ve been thinking about really since doing my GCSEs because my dermatologist said, Well, I think, I don’t think we’re going to need to do treatment, because it’s growing back, but just so that we can actually like map it out, you know, you have got five consecutive years now, two of A Levels, three of degree, where you have exams every year. So don’t get your hopes too high’ [laughs].

And how about afterwards?

Afterwards? I’m hoping really that I will just have a generic pattern of just regrowth. I’m hoping that will stop and that my alopecia will affectively disappear. But, who knows, I may decide to continue doing like a PhD or doing other exams. But I’m hoping that it only stays as an exam trigger and I’m kind of hoping it doesn’t develop to something else [laughs].

Some of the teachers like cos obviously the principal and stuff would be-, we would tell before when I came to a school or something but generally, they don’t think about and they don’t really, like they would say, Oh, when you go swimming, just wear a swimming cap. And it’s like but nobody else wears one. I’d rather just not, you know. So it was just kind of like, I guess, because they were adults and now looking back, now I know it wasn’t like-, now I have this outlook, that it’s not a big deal but, when you’re a kid, it is. It’s like, it is a big deal. And it is kids, like they don’t, they can be so harsh and kind of thing. So yeah [laughs].

Yeah. With swimming at school, was it to do with like other people or was it also to do with like getting your hair wet and sort of things like that?

Yes.

And having to tie it back?

It was definitely like the whole day kind of thing. So like, if I had swimming in the morning, then my hair was wet and then dried wrong or something like it was a whole day thing, like if I have to do swimming. Then yeah, obviously, in the pool and then out the pool drying my hair like everyone would just be like [gestures hair drying] and like they would dry it how they want or they would tie it up in towels and stuff but I just couldn’t, like it was just like [facial expression]. So I’d generally try not to go under or something if I could avoid it and or I would just always forget’ my togs [laughs].

So things like that, so, it was kind of annoying like in college I’d take, I, I like sports so I took like sports science classes and things like that but, when it came to summertime and it was like swimming sports, it was kind of like, Oh, just wish I could skip this part. And when I got, as I got older, less of the, less, like I’d tell, told the teachers less so it kind of was like they thought I was just didn’t care about their class or something but it really was just like I just don’t wanna tell you, like I just don’t wanna do it [laughs].

I used to get excited about little things like because I had to wear a plain brown or plain blue bandana at school, because that was the uniform. But I used to get excited when it was like mufti days’, which are non-uniform days, because I got to wear coloured ones. And that would just be something for me, because I would be like, this is a change. Then other people would be like, Why is she wearing a coloured one? That’s weird. And I remember when I first took my bandana off I remember hearing people whisper about sort of how weird my hair looked and like someone said, someone said I looked weird, but I heard them. And also I remember, my nickname is, Annie and I remember when it first started this girl in the class came up to me and she was like, You know you have a bald patch on your head, don’t you? and I was like, Yeah. She was like, That’s like a grandma. And then I came in the next day and in front of my name on my locker was, G R’ so it’s spelt Grannie’, which was just, so I sort of walked into school because it was literally two days after my mum had found the bald patch. I was really, really, really self-conscious of it and more self-conscious than I’ve ever been about it. Just to come in and see that was just horrible. So, people don’t really, because obviously it was just a joke, but people don’t understand how much it affects you when you are that vulnerable to other peoples’ opinions.

Our year was split into sort of two halves in the school and I know for a fact that a rumour got sent round in the other half that I had leukaemia, which hit me quite hard, because obviously I had a certain couple of friends from that half of the school that said, I’ve heard this. I don’t think it’s true, do you want me to sort of clarify it with people and I thought, well, Half of these, the people that are spreading all this don’t know me and they don’t know what I’m going through’ or it could be worse, admittedly you know, I could have something like cancer, which is, even, you know, in every way more devastating than alopecia was for me. But it’s still was quite tough to sort of go home and say to my mum, Oh, people think that I’ve got cancer. Which was quite weird to adjust to.

How did you deal with that situation in the end?

It very quickly sort of dissipated, as soon as the class had started to mix, because from the second year of secondary school, the class had started sort of going into sets and higher, lower. So you started mingling with people from the other half and people started actually correcting the rumours, saying, Well, actually no, that’s wrong. So it’s just sort of dissipated by itself. The only sort of, I was gonna say, I only really felt affected by that in the sort of first couple of days once I found out. Sort of going round seeing people in my year thinking, is it you that thinks I’ve got cancer? Do you know that I’ve got alopecia?’ You know, sort of going round thinking, what’re all these people thinking of me. But after that, it just kinda vanished and I got over it quite quickly.

When I was like eight, I moved schools and it was just a bit like explaining to people, Yeah but when you’re like eight, people, like kids are just like really curious I think. So, I can’t, I just can’t remember, but I think that they maybe did like an assembly where they like told everybody. Like, “This is what she’s got.” And then I was at that school for like absolutely ages, like all the way through. And then I just never really-, I guess I started wearing a wig at like-, I went to a girl’s school at an age where you like start hanging out with boys and you’re like maybe a bit more like conscious of what you like. But, yeah, I didn’t haven’t any issues at school like at all. Like it wasn’t like I got bullied or anything. Like if anything like everyone was just so nice about it, and all my friends just-, I think they were quite protective I think. If anybody asked them then they were just a bit sort of like, “Why? It’s not your business, why are you so interested?” and then I never really had to deal with any of it; I never really heard about anything. I just didn’t really have any problems at school.

So over the summer holidays, I came back and I had no hair. I had to like do this year of, you know, speeches and things like that. But when I shaved it, I was almost like-. That was probably the-, nervous, before I walked in the hall that day I was- I could really feel myself going cos obviously it was big reveal type of thing unintentionally. But once you’ve done things like that, I just think nothing else really matters if that makes sense.

And what was everybody at your school’s response?

Very supportive. I mean I, well act-, when I first did it I put a picture online with my friends and I got-. I was overwhelmed to be honest. I didn’t real-, I didn’t expect the amount of people to be as supportive. I didn’t think that they’d be mean but I didn’t expect so many people to be like really kind of gathered and you know, like sent me respect, stuff like that. You know, it was just quite-, it was just very nice. So I just kind of felt like everyone was behind me with that. I’m quite lucky like that I think because I think sometimes if you don’t have that and some people might not have that it can really affect you. But I definitely feel like the support I had at my school and stuff was really- and my family and everything was really helpful.

Bullying definitely was related to it when it became visible. I remember once in a History class as people were lining up to go outside and I was just finishing my piece of work, one of the boys in my class actually coloured in one of my bald patches. Yeah [laugh]. it’s just like name calling what kids do really, but confidence wise I think my confidence is a lot better than it was, this time last year it was a lot better than it is now though. But when I was ten I was extremely confident, extremely outgoing and then partly because of alopecia, partly because of what secondary school does, by the end of Year 7 I was a completely different person my confidence-, I was-, at school I was one of the quietist kids there, outside of school I was a completely different person, I was loud, I was outgoing, I got into trouble but in school I was [gestures quote marks] the perfect pupil.

Why did you think that happened around that age?

I don’t know. I think it was, there was a lot of new people, a lot of people that hadn’t grown up with me having episodes-, well they knew about it when-, I think some of my friends knew about it when I was seven and only about it-, and only a small group of friends knew about it when I was ten and I think it was it became visible when I moved up to secondary. So I became more self-conscious because I was, I was going into the awkward years [laugh] and school kids are mean.

I think like university’s a time when you just sort of, you find who you are as a person. Which sounds really hippy and whatnot. But I just think you, you do, cos you’re away from home, you’re finding your independence, you’re sort of meeting new people, you’re in different, more difficult situations. And I think how you look is very important cos it’s first impressions. And I think my first year, as I say, I had hair. And it was a little bit like, it was a bit, a little bit annoying because it was just, you know, it, my alopecia was there but it wasn’t affecting me to the point that I w-, didn’t have any hair. But, so I was still really outgoing and whatnot. And then my second year, when it all came out, as I say, it just, you just feel like all your, your friends are like, who are pretty and stuff. You don’t fit in any more. And you just feel like they’re not gonna like you because, I think it’s just a really deluded perception of like what you think they’re gonna think. When they’re not. They’ve been really supportive. But I think you just put this big, sort of your hair is everything like for a girl. And, you know, I think I just felt like it made university really stressful at times. And, you know, it’s just, it’s a bit more difficult than it had to be. Like I’m not mean d-, people that s-, don’t have more diff-, you know, far from, far worse things than alopecia and stuff. But it’s something that’s affecting you and it just makes your life a little bit more difficult than it should be and what your friends are.

I was really lucky to have a tight set of girls. They’re all really fine about it. They don’t-, yeah. It’s the same, like everybody has their issues. They all had bits that was wrong with them, or family and stuff, so. Yeah, that way it was quite comfy to have. Cos there’s only, what, five of us or so. So they all knew, like if we have sleepovers or whatever, take it off and just like oh, rub my head [laughs], that kind of thing. Like they were fine. And really, really good about it. University was a lot harder. Coming into halls, that was just like a whole new ballgame. Because obviously everybody- just things like you’d come in- it would be the same actually when you’re living in houses afterwards. Like I always like to feel comfy. So when I come through the door, usually I just- the first thing that comes off is like probably my hair. It just gets chucked anywhere [laughs], half the time. With uni, you couldn’t. So in halls especially, when it was new people that you were coming across, you had to kind of keep it on all the time. And then my only kind of respite as such from it was when I was in the shower. And that was like-, and then straight back on with it. Cos obviously everyone has their doors open, you’re walking in between. If someone walked into my room and was like, “Beth, why is your room locked?” It’s just like, ‘oh, I just wanted ten minutes without my hair on. Or something like that. So that way it’s like- it gets in the way a bit. But again, you just can’t let it. So, and it’s the thing of like going abroad as well, the heat difference. I’d always choose like where I go on holiday and who I go with, I think about it more because it is a worry. Obviously you try not to, but if I was to go like to New Zealand when it was really, really hot, I’d really struggle. My dad lived out in the Philippines, I wouldn’t be able to wear any hair at all with that, because of the humidity and it is just so hot all the time. Which weirdly my hair kind of started growing back, when I was out there. But I’m not sure if it was like the humidity and the heat or something, I’m not really sure. But yeah, you did notice a lot of difference in growth then. But yeah, I couldn’t wear my hair. So now, I do want to go travelling. But I’d probably avoid-, or choose really like be quite picky about who I go with because you’ve gotta be like, Oh, hang on, let me just put my hair on to take a picture. [Laugh]. And then I take it back off again [laugh]. So, yeah. But they must cope with it, so. I don’t know how [laughs]. But they must do.