Romantic relationships after a burn

This section covers:

  • Feeling attractive, physical intimacy, and sex
  • Being single and dating
  • Long-term relationships

Romantic relationships were an important topic for the people we talked to who had burn injuries. Some were single when their burn happened, others were in relationships when they were injured. Some had been burnt before they were in their current relationship.

Others were single, dating, or in newer relationships at the time of the interview. Some of those who were single felt optimistic about the prospect of romance, whereas others felt apprehensive. This could sometimes depend on how far along in their recovery journey a person was, or how much the burn impacted other areas of their life.

Feeling attractive, physical intimacy, and sex

Having burn scarring can impact on people’s sense of physical appearance and attractiveness. Some of the people we spoke to told us that they initially had fears that a partner (or potential partner) would find their burns unattractive. This was often a concern for those in new romantic relationships and for those in established relationships at the time of a burn, and when we spoke to them.

Raffaella had a burn injury 18 months ago and doesn’t feel comfortable dating currently. She feels she has lost her “femininity” and “sexuality” but hopes the way she feels about relationships will change with time.

Yeah, I mean, there are things like, for example, I don’t know if I’m ever going to have a boyfriend ever again because I have got this conviction that no-one is ever going to like to hold my hand, and this again, this is just a feeling, it doesn’t make it true but, you know, that’s the feeling that I’m not… You know, I am… I am… not good enough. Why would you have me when you can have someone that’s got beautiful hands where you can put a ring on, not that I want a ring, to be honest! But like, you know, things like that. I’m such a cliché that you just think that’s not, that’s not really life. Yet, the brain has kind of done this, this arrangement where it thinks, you know, don’t even uh… Don’t even act like you’ve got any sort of femininity, sexuality because that’s just embarrassing yourself. And that’s a bit sad. So, I hope it is something that I work through, you know, over the time, with time very slowly.

Right now, the way I see it, I know that I feel like I’m never going to be able to do it. But I know that is not necessarily going to be true. That’s what it feels like now, things will change. Only a year and a half has gone past. In six years, surely if I’m still alive I’ll probably think different. My skin will have changed a lot more and it might not be so visible, and also, I mean, it is a great filter on a conscious level I’m like ‘Sorry, but if somebody doesn’t want you because of that, that’s not the person you want anyway.’ So, it’s a great filter for, you know, for people that actually you do not want. And yet, there is this vanity in me, you know, that sort of wanted to… Yeah, wanted it to look nice and it’s just like, it’s about shedding these old views.

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Some of those who were burnt when they were children told us that their feelings about their burns changed as they got older and started thinking more about romantic relationships. For Natasha, leaving school, where she wore a uniform that covered her burn scars, and starting college, where she could choose her clothes, was a turning point where “I started feeling more self-conscious”. Kate also remembered worrying as a teenager about the appearance of her burn and what potential partners might think.

Feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable about other people seeing burn injuries or scarring could have an impact on intimacy. Some people we talked to explained how they preferred to cover their scars in some situations, for example by keeping a top on during sex. Justyn shared that he had always been “very self-conscious” of showing his scars, even though it had never been an issue for a romantic partner, which was “kind of a relief”.

After Helen Y was burnt, she felt uncomfortable with her long-term partner seeing her body. She says this has gradually improved with time.

Definitely, I felt my body looked absolutely ugly and disgusting and really didn’t want him seeing it and having to wear a pressure vest in, did I wear it in bed, or did I take it off at night-time? Either way, with a pressure vest or without, I felt I was a weird, ugly bag of stuff, yeah, and I really didn’t want him seeing that.

And that probably made me close up a bit to him&hellpip; But it did- Yeah, it did gradually improve as my… I can’t put any date on it, but gradually, gradually, and as I say, now I feel completely comfortable, you know, both naked with him and with a low shirt with other people, feel completely comfortable in that skin now.

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Fears about partners finding the appearance of burns off-putting, however, were often unfounded. Rhian’s partner said he thought her burns made her “unique”. Natasha’s partner said about her burn “it makes you a lot different to everyone else and that’s cool”. Rhian highlighted that romantic attraction is not just about “looks” and appearances, and Gary agreed that “beauty is so much more than skin deep”.

Kate was initially worried about what her then-boyfriend would think of her burn. She was relieved that it wasn’t a big deal to him.

So, he, um… At the time, I really liked him. And I was worried at first, like, 'Oh my gosh…' Like, I had quite a lot of anxiety at this point in my life anyway, and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t to do with the burns specifically, it was just life in general. This was sort of in college and A Levels, really stressful, so I think it was just that on top of other life changes, so just stress and anxiety and just typical teenage hormones is not a good combination and so I had quite a lot of anxiety and I was very much like, 'Oh my God, nobody likes me' and this sort of thing. Then I got into a relationship with one of the guys at college and he was lovely, but I was very much like 'Oh my gosh, what if he doesn’t like these burns? What if he is bothered by it?' and what not. It took me, like, pretty-, it took me a couple of weeks and then I just basically turned round to him and said, “I have burns, do you care?” and he was just there like “Why would I?” and “Ok, this is fine” sort of thing.

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Being single and dating

Because it could be difficult for some people to believe that they were attractive to others, this could lead them to worrying about loneliness or “growing old on my own”. Raffaella, who burnt her hands and arms, shared with us how she would immediately “friend-zone” anyone who showed a romantic interest in her. She said this was because she struggled to accept that someone would choose her over “someone that’s got beautiful hands”. Raiche shared a similar view and would struggle to recognise when someone was flirting with her. She explained that “when people did show interest in me I kind of didn’t really see it being a relationship or anything further because they could always do better”.

India initially found it difficult to date people as it uncovered some insecurities she had about her scars.

I think when I was younger, like no-one really showed me much interest. I think it might have been because of my scars maybe I just wasn’t the most attractive child or whatever, but when I left school it kind of, I started getting a lot more attention and that was really good, but it took a while to sort of understand like, for example, I remember once someone was staring at me and I thought they were just being really rude, like staring at my scars, and they came over and was like “Oh, can I have your number” and it was really weird.

And I think it took me a while to sort of realise that other people can see me as an attractive person with my scars because, for so long, I thought that that just wouldn’t be possible. So I think it actually took quite a long time to kind of see myself as someone that people could be romantically interested in. And I think with dating like, I thought it didn’t affect me at first, but I think as I kind of got into it, I started to realise there were some insecurities I hadn’t really dealt with or overcome. And it definitely was like a little bit of a realisation because I was kind of, you know like 19 and I was thinking 'Oh, I thought I was over all my insecurities to do with my scars but clearly, they’re still there, so I think I have to process a lot of those'.

But, you know, it’s something that overall, as I said, I’m quite an outgoing person, so it hasn’t massively affected me. I’ve got a lovely boyfriend now who I’ve been with for a year and he’s always been so supportive and understanding and, to be honest, like other people, you know, who I’ve dated or whatever, they’ve also been very understanding and I actually think a lot of the time a lot of my insecurities, as I said before, a lot of my insecurities are more like my view of myself rather than everyone else’s view of me and, actually, a lot of people have, you know, they’ve just kind of got it, like I look a bit different but they get over it, or whatever it might be and it doesn’t really matter in the long run.

And I feel like generally I just date like any other twenty-something does. But I think a lot of that was dealing with my own view of myself, like I had to get over my own conceptions about how other people view scarring in order to be able to just, like, date normally and freely.

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India told us that for her to be able to date “like any other twenty-something does” she had needed to overcome her “own conceptions about how other people view scarring”. She explained how “going to university as well really helped, like making a brand-new group of friends and realising how easy it was. Barely anyone even spoke about my scars… [and] any insecurities kind of dissipated”. Justyn explained that dating allows him to “test the waters” with a potential partner and see if he feels “safe” with them.

Deciding whether, how and when to mention a burn, when dating, was a big topic. Rhian remembers having concerns when she was burnt: “at the time, I was single, so I was like ‘Oh gosh, how am I going to date? Will I just cover it up? Will I explain it to someone straightaway?’” Over time, her approach changed and she thought that how someone reacted to her burn was a good indicator of whether they were a good match for her. Tara explained that she would feel “apprehensive” going on a date with someone if she was unsure whether they knew about or had seen that she has burns.

Justyn says he is “delicate” about opening up to someone about his burns. He says this is because he doesn’t want to create an “atmosphere” where the person doesn’t know how to respond.

I think going through, growing up and going through life I’ve always been very self-conscious of showing my scars in intimate settings or surroundings  and often like, leaving my top on and stuff like that and things of that nature, and I just think nowadays I think being who I am and it not being avoidable, and things like that, is just kind of maybe mentioning it and just be like hey, if you do obviously, or someone does see or something, “Oh well, yeah, I’ve got a scar” or something like that. And just not making it a big deal. And I think that’s come with experience and time and who I am as a person. I am still very kind of, I can still be very introverted I can still be very insecure and shy. I think a lot of people misconstrued me being on social media being a loud character. That is part of me but then another part of me is I’m a human, I do get insecure about how I look and my body, even though I advocate not to, it’s a roller coaster, but I definitely mention it and nine times out of, well, yeah, pretty much nine times out of well nine times out of ten, even 10 out of 10 it hasn’t been an issue.

So, if I’m opening up about something that’s super vulnerable, I don’t expect anything back, but I do expect a sort of maybe like, do you really understand me? Because if I want to, if I’m going to pursue something with somebody, I do want someone who’s really going to like maybe have gone through something similar or might have a similar experience so we can really like then built a balance to each other like I can’t, I don’t think personally it would work for me, being with someone who’s maybe a bit superficial or someone who has never been, who might not have had an experience of being with someone who, or themselves have gone through something, or on the journey themselves.

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Online dating apps were popular with some of the people we spoke to. Rhian didn’t mention her burn in her online dating profile, opting instead to take a more relaxed approach to uploading photos, regardless of whether or not her burn was on show. Tara said she liked using dating apps because she could “show her scars naturally”, for example in photos where she is wearing “off-shoulder tops, and so you can see it here, and actually that’s just what I wear and feel nice and beautiful in”.

Long-term relationships

Some of the people we spoke to had been in long-term relationships for a number of years. For some, like Helen X, the relationship had begun many years before she was burnt. Other people, like Claire, entered into their relationship decades after they were burnt.

Once in a relationship, Raiche said there was a “process that I had to learn to do” in terms of being more emotional and affectionate.

Relationship-wise, because I never really saw anybody that looked like me have a relationship or have the happy ending, I wrote it off for myself quite early on. And so, when people did show interest in me I kind of didn’t really see it being a relationship or anything further because they could always do better. Like, why would they settle for me if they can go get the… that really hot chick over there. It just didn’t make sense and I just couldn’t understand it.

I guess, as well, it’s coping mechanisms. You learn to be less emotional and only, like really open up with yourself by yourself on your own and not really cry or be affectionate with other people. Like, yeah… So that was a tricky one… but once I started opening up and accepting that I can be loved, and I can have the fairy tale too and I can create my own… I can have a future, just like everybody else, that’s when I was like ‘Ok, right.’

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For those who were burnt as an adult and were already in a long-term relationship, there was often a “change in the dynamic”. At the same time as being appreciative of support, it could also be a difficult adjustment.

Sometimes partners took on different or additional practical tasks. There could also be a change in the emotional dynamics. Hadyn felt that he had been a bit more irritable with his wife than usual: “I may have snapped at her once or twice… where I was worrying about it a little bit”.

Sarah found it difficult to accept help from her husband whilst she was recovering from her burn.

So, what was that like for you, to have to be cared for by someone else?

It was quite strange actually as I’m quite an independent person, you know, and usually I’m the one that’s looking after everyone, so it’s a complete change to the, like, dynamic of our family. And that is a lot for somebody to do. But, equally, it’s quite a lot to allow somebody to do that to you. You accept it in hospital but it’s quite intrusive, you know, when someone’s doing that to you, you know, that cares about you, in your home. But yeah, it was weird, but equally, you know, the alternative is keep going to hospital, and it’s something that we could do at home, which was much nicer, and it meant that my husband could go back to work and things like that, as I couldn’t drive at that point. You know, the hospital’s not that close by so I think, it’s an amazing thing that you can do that at home, you know, and not have to go to the hospital all the time.

So, in terms of your relationship with your husband, what’s your relationship been like, since the burn injury, with your partner?

In the long run… It certainly wasn’t easy at the beginning. You know, to have someone that involved in your care, that was very traumatic. In general – not him personally, but – you know, to have somebody involved in your care like that, it was horrendous. But you know, it’s taken time but yeah, you can move past it in the end. But it certainly wasn’t easy, especially at the beginning.

What was it that was difficult about that change in relationship?

I mean, just our whole family dynamic changed completely from how we were before. It was very different. I do everything and my partner goes to work, and it was very difficult to step back from all of the things that I do while he… did them all wrong! It wasn’t easy at all.

What was it that helped you muddle through together?

I guess the things that made it really difficult were actually the things that you know help in the end. When you can see it differently, you know, good intentions and, as difficult as it was to go through all the dressing changes and things like that at home, and I found it difficult, you know, to separate him from that, imagine doing that for somebody. You know, you care about someone that much that you can do that, because as horrible as it is to go through, it must be horrible to be the person that’s doing all those things. I’m not sure, I don’t even know if I could do it and I’ve been through it as the patient, so to speak.

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Receiving support from a partner during recovery from a burn was appreciated amongst the people we spoke to. Helen Y told us her partner would help her to rub moisturiser into her burns to relieve itching. Sarah referred to her partner as being “nothing but supportive all the way through”, and recognised it was a “huge ask of somebody” to look after her during her recovery.

You can also read here about the impacts of having a burn on relationships with wider family and friends.

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