Music, music helps me out, loud music. I’ll shut the door, music on full blast, just chill; have a fag, just chill. Or if I’m really angry and I’m just, you know when you’re just in a mood, I’ll storm out and I’ll go for a walk. Just a walk on my own, with my phone and my music, do you know what I mean? My music’s everything to me. Do you know what I mean, you can tell when I’m annoyed, because my music goes straight up. But like just, not for long, it just goes loud until I cool down and then I put it to a normal level and then I’ll have a tidy up or I’ll, or whatever, go in the shower, or just chill, or whatever, yeah. Just depends on how I’m feeling and what I’m, what I’m annoyed about.

What kind of music do you listen to?

Anything on there, anything. I like hardcore, niche, and DG and things like that. Anything really.

The written word’s become quite important to me. it’s become you know a good way of expressing my emotions and you know to come across what, what’s gone on in my life. I’ve managed to you know work through it by calculating every you know, my life story, if you want, I’ll sort of write everything on my laptop, you know, just my experiences, and you know how they’ve made me feel, and it’s helpful, it’s helpful and I just sort of, also as well times where I’m having you know when I’m having a bad day, I think with depression sometimes life can feel so bleak anyway but sometimes when I’ve re-read over what I’ve wrote it’s largely exaggerated, cos I think when you’re feeling.

When you’re feeling depressed I just think everything’s bad, do you know what I mean? You just can’t look at life or anything objectively. Everything’s you know bleak and dark and horrible, and sometimes it actually makes me laugh when I, you know, when I’ve read back what I’ve wrote and I actually think, Well you know, life isn’t that bad You know, so it does, it helps in that way because I learn from it, I learn from what I wrote, I learn from what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

it’s [autobiography] called Accidental Recklessness Because I like to think that I didn’t mean to do any of it [laughs]. And if my Mum asks it’s completely fictional. Yes it’s about how not to grow up, it’s certainly not an autobiography or memoir in the sense that I have any worldly wisdom to pass on, it’s more my experiences, a lot of it’s quite tongue in cheek, but then I think when you’ve been through something you’re allowed to take the piss out of yourself you know. it’s basically just the sequence of events, and looking at them like, certainly not laughing at, at the actual thing, but laughing at how I was. But you know but laughing with how I was, do you know what I mean so it’s not like a big, Oh I was so stupid, ha ha ha No it’s more like just like, Oh my God, you’re not going to believe what I did this you know like, What was I thinking kind of thing. it’s much more silly, not so silly. I’ve got told it was kind of like Elizabeth Wordsworth meets Bill Bryson, lots of depression, but lots of slightly cynical remarks. So.

But like every, you know everyone’s kind of said, it’s about how it’s really funny and stuff like that, I mean it’s obviously like really deep dark subjects going on in there, but I certainly don’t take myself seriously, like some of the stuff that’s on the market at the moment, of the, How did I ever survive it’s like, What Like, cos I know that in many, many ways I’m incredibly lucky, so, you know like, you can’t, I kind of wrote the book whilst remembering that in many, many ways I’m very lucky, so how seriously can you take this, you know?

And I’m not saying it shouldn’t be taken seriously, some of the stuff that’s in the book, but like, it’s with a knowing wry smile kind of thing I think, well actually I did okay, you know. it’s the survived to tell the tale, so you might as well tell a funny tale, you know. Cos at the end of the day you’re still here then you’ve done something okay haven’t you?

Write you know your worst fears during anxiety, whatever you, you know my case is you know related to like that, you know the experience of your perception changes and you’re just like, This isn’t real Whereas other people could be experiencing different types of anxiety. I don’t know, like they’re gonna die, or they’re gonna, you know, things like that are probably a common one or whatever. So just put your worst fears on one side of the paper and then put what you can describe to be a logical outcome, what is likely to happen. You know what society says is gonna happen. People, you trust are gonna say will happen, your GP, family and friends or whatever, so then write it down and then you know you might want to show your GP that, and confirm, again reiterate why it’s logical for the left hand side to be right. You know you’re, the likely things that are gonna happen,

And then, you know, you’ll then look at the right hand side and think yeah it is illogical and it’ssilly and I need to, whenever, whenever I get these feelings, get the list out, and just associate a you know positive side, people that you trust, past experiences of people, you know and case studies, so they got through it and stuff, so that’s how I cope with it, for the initial period.

If something’s going like horrifically wrong I’ll sort of like, I’ll dive into my work like. I’ll like really go headlong and just sit for ages and do my college work. And if I’ve got none of the work I’ll sort of sit in my room and I’ll just get my paints out and I’ll just sit and paint for hours and hours and hours. I’ll paint till sort of half three, four in the morning and then I’ll feel much better after that, it’s much more constructive than you know going at my wrists or anything like, much more constructive than that. And at the end you’ve got something to look at and think, out of everything that I felt now is something positive come out of it, like I’ve got a picture, I’ve got a collage, I’ve got, it’s sort of like a chapter of a book writing or something like that.

I still have that’s like absolutely down sort of feeling, I’ll be like that for a while, and that, I mean that that goes-ish. I mean there’s still the edge but I know I know sort of how to sort of deal with it.

There’s like different ways like drawing, I’ll draw something. Sort of semi, semi violent to match my moods, cos I, I’ve got like my little characters are sort of like cross between anime sort of like westerns or comic book styles, and I love the sort of little characters cos I do spiky hair, sword, like gun, grrr, die evil depressing aliens. And I’ll do something like that or I’ve got like computer games like the Wii, I’ll just smack a few tennis balls about or be up something on [game name], my favourite game, and I love it, but yeah there’s a lot of sort of like different mediums to work out. I drum, and I’ve got a boxing bag which pees off the neighbours which I found out.

I said before like whenever you say you have a paper cut, or you break your leg, something extreme, you can take you know morphine, you can or something like that, and you can, you can treat it, and it can get very better and stuff like that. But with depression there is, as I said there is no plaster, there is no, there is no, obvious very simple thing. But there are things you can do, sometimes you’ve just got to break the barriers, rather than thinking, Oh I’m just gonna stay inside and feel really low sometimes you’ve just got to say, Get out Even though your body says, No I don’t want to get out You’ve got to say, Look take a walk

I’ve found when I was going through a horrible you know, questioning who I was, and thinking why am I having these panic attacks, there’s a forest I live next to and I just went for walks down there, and by the end of the walk and even though I didn’t focus on one particular thing in my head exactly, which was an array of wire and stuff like that, but I just went for a walk and at the end I’d feel like a million dollars and I just felt, really good. And just taking a walk, I like to walk a lot, I like to pace whenever I talk or just anything like that, it helps me think.

I just started doing this sport and it was, it was skating and it was in a team and I didn’t have to talk about any of my problems and it was like, I like reading books, it was like going into a book you know and you didn’t have to sort of, but then there was my social life, I’m sociable with it, and it’s, it’s done wonders. it’s the exercise, it honestly it is, it’s, I never went to the gym regularly or ran regularly and the fact that I can just have those hours just every week where I don’t have to think about anything is fantastic. And then I just have the best night’s sleep afterwards

It was such a achievement to be able to do. And so many girls had done it, and they said how much better you feel about yourself, it doesn’t even have to be a sport, it could be any kind of skill, how good I felt about myself, I’m sticking to something for once because I hadn’t done it for so long and actually learning to do something, and now I’m one of the better players and I’m really fast, and that feels amazing, cos I couldn’t have done it without their help. But it was me that stuck it and it was me that did it, and I can actually say, Ah, I’ve done something really good I hadn’t been able to say that for ages, so it was
Yeah, a sense of achievement?

Yeah, definitely, I’d encourage anyone to try, just do something new, whether it’s a sport or any kind of skill.

The sport itself is amazing, and it’s such a, cos it’s such a niche thing it makes you feel really special, but it could be, my brother does football and he loves his football you know, he does a five-side team with the lads from Uni and you can just go and play football and forget about everything. And it doesn’t matter if you get a knock, cos you get, as long as you’re in a team where people encourage you I think that’s all you need. it’s like being a kid again, and kind of learning to walk or something, and you just get that nice kind of encouragement, you kind of learn how to live again. it’s good.

I go fishing sometimes with my Dad and we’ll just sit there for ages, like, in the rain or whatever and eat fish and chips and talk about nought. And just sit there and not catch anything for like 6 hours, and then come home and it’s nice cos you just get those moments with people when you, you could stay there forever, cos it’s just, it’s something nice, you’re not you know worried about anything.

Putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. I found that a really useful one, although it’s hard at the beginning, it’s a really good one to do because like just anything like if you’re doing your college work, and you think, This is, this is not going well, and its rubbish, it’s pointless, what am I doing? And you think well, Actually somebody would actually think that’s really good. Just because you think it’s rubbish it doesn’t mean everybody’s going to think it’s rubbish, and it’s like, Why not even give it to somebody else to look at and see what they think? And like negative criticism as well, like at university you get a lot of feedback, and it’s constructive criticism, and you’ve not got to take it to heart, you’ve got to again apply the thing of, They’re actually helping me. Rather than, Oh my God they’re telling me I’m really bad at this. And really rubbish.

And also just like walking down the street, if somebody looks at you, it’s not because they’re looking at you ‘cos you look horrific, it’s because they’re looking at you maybe because they like something about you, or, and just always like turning the negative, if you, like when you think of that thought that you just said in, like that’s just been said in your head, and think, How can I turn that to be a positive? And at first you’ve got to write it down, and you’ve got to consciously write, My thought, and then a positive slant on this. Just changing it negative to positive all the time, and suddenly like it quite, it’s a sense of achievement when actually you think that positive thought in your head and it’s like, Whoa I didn’t have to write that down.

I’m religious, I try and find my security in that, but sometimes it’s no safe place.

Has faith helped you?

Yes and no. Yes because sometimes it’s the only comfort I find in that I know that the people I’ve loved and that I’ve lost are with God. And that everything that happens for a reason.

But at the same time because of my panic disorder, I quite often think, work myself up into thinking that I’m going to hell, and that to me is quite a major threat and quite a terrifying thing to console. So it does help me if I’m in a certain state of mind, but if I’ve already gone beyond a rationable, rational place then, then I’m already in too bad a place to make any sense of anything really. I think it was the same thing with the cognitive behavioural therapy that they tried to get me to use. If I was in a sensible frame of mind and I was thinking logically I could feel myself edging up to being panicky, then I could take a step back and breathe and think about things. If I’d all, because sometimes my panic attacks just jump out of nowhere, and if it happened like that, then not a chance [laughs]. Yeah.

So religion has been both?

Yeah.

Comforting, scary, would that be the word?

Yeah, maybe yeah. Intimidating perhaps, not scared.

Depression we found in general just through daily life was getting through the day. Because you couldn’t take anymore than that. You can get through the hour and set yourself small goals of well if I don’t manage the rest I don’t manage it, but I’m gonna get through this hour, and you know do this. And just do small goals because people go, Oh well I’ve got this to do this week, and this, and this, and I have to get that done andrdquo; You put too much pressure on yourself and you’re setting yourself up to fail. You know you can’t motivate yourself when you’ve got this big list of stuff going, You have to do this, and you have to get this done and you’ve just got to break it down. That’s something I still do to cope is break it down, like work and stuff at Uni, because otherwise I would just get so overwhelmed.

I mean I looked at my assessment list the other day and went, Oh, that’s a stupid amount of work to get done But then if I take it essay by essay, deadline by deadline, I’ll get it done, and it’ll, you know, it’ll work. And that’s something that I’ve really found works for me, cos people are like, well just take it an hour at a time, and it really used to bug me, cos I’d just want to fix it there and I’d be going, No I need to do this, I need to do all of this, and it’s done And I never used to accept it. One thing that I’ve found is it really, really does work is just take it as much as you can little by little, to get through because you’ll find it all mounts up.

Might only be small things, but if you set yourself a small goal within each day you can build it up, and achieve something and feel you’ve achieved something, rather than belittling it because you can’t do something cos you’ve overwhelmed yourself.

Getting out that’s the most important thing, is like just phoning a friend and saying, Do you want to meet for coffee or whatever Instead of stewing in your own poop. Like, and it’s hard like but once you’re out, you realise that was the best like, just as recently as Sunday, like, I was lying on the sofa like, not Woe is me, but just like Oh I’m uuuuh and caveman talk, like watching god knows what re-runs of Desperate Housewives, but then my friend phoned and I was just like, Oh Rubes I’m in the Bay, do you want to go for a drink And I was like, Alright And then, but I couldn’t be bothered, I was a bit more, put your clothes on, put your face on, like, but within five minutes I was like I was so glad we came out like, you know, so it takes effort and it takes guts but you’ve got to get out and, even if it’s just a walk around your local area or… I always I always used to say go buy a loo roll, you’ll always need a loo roll, so if that’s a purpose for your walk, go buy a loo roll. You know like just to get you out of the house for ten minutes or whatever, have a conversation with somebody else, that’s
Yeah. Small steps.

Yeah, teeny steps but they steps nonetheless.

‘Cos that’s what I’ve always done. Anything that’s upset me I’ll just forget it. Everyone’s like, Are you alright? I’m like, I’m fine. Something would happen like, one of my best friends would just be killed right in front of me, it would be like, Are you alright? I’ll be like, Yeah I’m fine. And I’d just forget about it. I just push it to the back of my head and think as long as I don’t think about it didn’t happen.

I’ve got this thing where I don’t like anyone seeing me hurt or upset. ‘Cos it makes me look weak. I mean now I’ve cried in front of three people. And that was my boyfriend, [friend’s name] and now [friend’s name]. I’ve never cried in front of my Mum. If ever I got upset at home I’d go up to my bedroom.

Or just put it to the back of my mind so I didn’t get, look upset no more. ‘Cos I do not like being upset in front of people, ‘cos it makes you look weak. Well it probably don’t, but I think it makes you look weak so.

Why don’t you want to look weak?

I don’t know. ‘Cos everyone thinks I’m this strong person and I’m really not.

The only thing that makes me strong is I don’t deal with things. Like if you turn round I could have someone full on shouting in my face and it wouldn’t bother me, well it would look like it hadn’t bothered me, but really it had. You will get someone who it bothers, they shout back, so you think oh this person is easily wound up, she doesn’t deal with things very well, but then five minutes later she’s fine again. But because I don’t shout back, they think, Ah she deals with things well good. But I’m still dealing with it like three months down the line. ‘Cos I would never actually deal with it.

I’m trying to stay in my daily schedule, because I don’t want to disconnect from my life because I think that will cause another anxiety of you know, I’m falling behind and like I’m losing track and it will and it more isolating. So I will go and do my daily things. Even if I do them badly, or if I’m, even if I’m absent minded, but I feel that that helps just to be there and like to keep in a routine, I will, luckily I’m able to go running again. I wasn’t well, I was really bad even though I was aware that I should, so like sometimes it’s you know that something would be good for you, but you just cannot.

And I tried and I find that now that I’m doing slightly better that is also helping me to feel better, to kind of physically do stuff. And as I say asking people for help, and opening up so like, yeah, a lot of my old friends especially like are astonished because they’re like, She’s never talked about any of this so that goes, I usually like, I seemed to those people like over confident, kind of, quite judgmental towards these others, and kind of like a bit like aggressive and like a bit over achievers, not in the sense that I was very good at what I was doing, but just like Just keep going, just keep going

Well now I’m just, like suddenly I start talking about my vulnerabilities and, and yeah I just kind of accept the help that can, that people can offer you.

And it will vary like everybody can give you something else, but just accept that as it is and kind of, and tell people what it, if you can, to tell people just what it is that you need.