They’ve gave me some paranoia and anxiety tablets, when I, but I never took ‘. I don’t take ‘ I was scared of what they’re gonna do to me. Because like a lot of people have told me that you can get hooked on tablets. And I was thinking oh, do you know what I mean? Just, just being paranoid about that, just getting scared about that didn’t like, if I took a tablet, and then I forgot to take the rest, I were thinking what would it do to me? Would it? Do you know what I mean? Would it make me worse than ever when I do take the tablets, what would it do to me? Just being paranoid again, worried about what’s going to happen.

Well just feels like you know any any tablet, you know medication it makes you feel something that’s artificial, and I want to get to a point where I feel happy on my own, I don’t want to have to rely on pharmaceuticals to feel happy.

And you know it’s something that I want to work to get there on my own, it’syou know, it’s going to be a lot harder but I don’t want to get to the point where I’m relying on them and feeling now if I come off of these then I’m gonna be miserable again. I’d rather not rely on medication. I want to get better on my own. And then I have to accept now that that’s gonna take a hell of a lot longer. But there’s no quick fix with depression. it’s something you have to work on.

Did you find any help from them at all, since you started, have they made any difference at all?

They can make you know you’re your moods, they, they you know they’re up and down anyway with depression, but, you know the anti-depressants sometimes they, they can help, other times they don’t. I think it really depends you know what kind of day you’re having. But I don’t feel they’ve ever you know, they’re not a miracle cure, but they can suppress the feelings sometimes. But as soon as they wear off, you know, they don’t go away. I think you know that you can sort of, you can mask it and sort of maybe have a relief from these feelings for you know, a little while, but they’re still there. they’re still here, they’re still in my mind, they’re still in my heart, they’re still a part of me. So that’s why I don’t really believe in them, because you know they, okay there might be a little pick-me-up for a while, but it’s no, it’s artificial to me. It doesn’t feel real.

Do you remember what the decision was like initially to go on medication?

Very easy, very, very easy. It felt like finally something was being done to fix this, ‘cos a lot of people say, Oh, going on medication, a lot of stigma and stuff. I mean best thing I ever did. Like in a, I know it sounds ridiculous, it might not be the best thing I ever did you know, I’ve had more fun holidays, but like, it was very, very easy it wasn’t a decision, it was a relief. It was, it was like someone handed you a sandwich when you haven’t eaten in five days, you know like.

It’s that’s a bad comparison, but you know, first of all it made me believe that I was finally being taken seriously. That there was the acknowledgement of how bad I felt, the foundation of how bad I felt. And there was also the way of it signified that there could be change, whereas you know I’d never have thought I’d be free from bulimia, bulimia for, I just, I couldn’t imagine my life without it, whereas, and okay it’s taken a lot of work too, like sometimes still when I eat, I have to be careful not to get too full, stuff like that you know? But certainly not restrict what I eat or anything like that, but certainly be aware of the fact that I will feel uncomfortable and not good, but you know, so there’s been a lot of work like that, but yeah, the medication made all the difference. So I should have been given it ten years ago, that’s the only thing that annoys me about medication, is that, for a while there it felt like a bit, too little too late. But it’s, fortunately it’s proved not to be.

I have found them [antidepressants] helpful. My view on anti-depressants is this’ I didn’t want to go on them at first, because I’m not a take a pill and everything’s fine-person.I think there are more than one way to skin a cat kind of thing. But they had helped, I don’t think that you can take anti-depressants and automatically everything’s fine, it has to be a combination of things. And I don’t, now I don’t see anything wrong with taking anti-depressants along with other, other types of therapy to help you feel better, because in the end, what depression is a chemical imbalance, and all the anti-depressants do is balance the chemical back up.

I was quite sceptical at first and not happy about having to pop a pill every morning, but they have helped me. They had at least on most days got me to a level where even if I’m still feeling crap I can think reasonably logically. I can think okay, everything’s kind of black and grey today, but the other week I had a really fantastic time. Obviously I still have my down moments, but and it’s very much with me that I can be feeling absolutely fantastic, but if one little thing goes wrong then I plummet. But especially with the Chronic Fatigue, I don’t, I think I would’ve driven myself mad if I didn’t, if I wasn’t on the anti-depressants, and they really do help. I was a bit of a cynic beforehand, and even for the first couple of months, because the Citalopram weren’t helping, but being on the Fluoxetine and being on the dose which I’m on,

Yeah.

It just helps a bit because obviously it’s not a simple solution, it’s not a take these everything’s gonna be wonderful straight way. it’s a process and they’re one of the steps in the process, I don’t see anything wrong with them now.

How long did it take for them to kick in? About?

Oh well I was on the Citalopram to begin with and they upped it to 20mg and then they changed me to Fluoxetine 20mg just after I was discharged from the [hospital name], so, end of April, and then they doubled my dosage being 6 weeks ago, and since they’ve put me up to 40mg I feel a lot better. Obviously it helps to have a few other things to keep my black clouds at bay, but, I think they can help. But they can’t be solely relied on.

I don’t think having a diagnosis makes a difference because if you’re suffering from something, you’re suffering from something whether or not it’s kind of accepted. But the only thing I’d say with diagnosis is because I think medication does make a difference I think with a formal diagnosis that would’ve been an option.

But because I haven’t had a formal diagnosis and until I see a psychiatrist and get one, it’s, medication is kind of not going to happen. So that’s the only kind, only kind of benefit, but I wouldn’t say medication’s the only way out, you’d have to have like, medication would be just on of the things. So it’s, it doesn’t matter as much. But it, I think it does make a bit of a difference because, just because then your doctors and your family and, because if someone else says you’ve got a problem then other people are more likely to listen. If you say you’ve, you personally have got a problem they’re just gonna, kind of brush it away. If someone else says, Oh this person has actually got a problem Then people are more, it just seems people are more likely to listen.

It just depends on who you get, sort of professional-wise as to what you’re on, what the regime is really. I mean there’s, I’ve got a doctor now who I had a really bad sort of few months the last year and he put me onto them grudgingly cos I was like, I want to see if it helps. And I mean I ended up taking myself off it, which is never the best plan. But you know there’s people that’d automatically just go, Oh well, you know, you’re depressed, you’re this that and the other, you’ve got it in your history, you know, you’ve got no chance, it’s not that And then people like him that go well, I don’t know if it is that, but you know you can try it and see, cos we’ll put you on a low dose and see how you go, type thing. And you know it all depends on who you get, and their approach to medication as to how you respond to it. But I mean medication does help, it just depends on what you’re on. You’ve got to find the right dose and you’ve got to find the right meds. And it might…

Oh God, like I said before if, if they were giving out free post it notes that week you’d be on that meds. If they got a free clickety pen the next week that said Zyprexa on it they’d give you Zyprexa, like it was just rubbish, there was no, this is why like I’m so chuffed with my psychiatrist that I have now, is because he’s looking at my case individually as opposed, oh, young girl, oh she’ll take that. it’s like no, it’s like well that’s clearly not, you know, he said there’s some brilliant like other antipsychotics out there, but they’ll make you put on weight and stuff and that’ll be a return to the bulimia, and you know, so it’s like he’s looking at my case individually and you know, doing it properly for the first time in years, as, you know as opposed to just giving me what mix and match, whatever’s popular that week kind of thing.

So looking at the bigger picture?

Yeah.

So then I started seeing a psychiatrist and I’m now on the third different type of medicine because the middle lot, the second lot I tried to take they were prescribed by my GP and he gave me 20 milligrams of them and when I went back to the psychiatrist she said to properly treat depression it should have been like 75 milligrams, so weren’t doing enough. So now I’m on the third lot and I think they’re just kicking in, but I’m not sure how I’m meant to feel with them.

I don’t know if they’re meant to stop the bad feelings or whether they’re meant to make you feel happy again, sort of numb everything. I don’t really know how I’m meant to feel, or how will I know if they’re working or not. And because my birthday is coming up, I’m quite in a good mood, I’m in a good mood so I don’t know whether it’s the medicine, or just being excited so I can’t tell.

Mandy’ I think you know, you end up begrudging medication to a point. It, it seems to be generally the first response you know. I went, although I went from the doctor and the doctor referred me to the psychiatrist, and then the psychiatrist put me on meds, and from there it was a downward spiral. As I said you know, into the unit on so much meds that I couldn’t think, that was to stop me you know,

Sian’ it’s generally a temporary fix isn’t it?

Mandy’ it’s to stop you doing what they class as naughty stuff. You know, I was completely suicidal so they thought, Let’s drug her up it’s like the only way she won’t be able to do anything. Which to a point was true [laughter]. it’s what they call it! But you know, you end up getting put on more and more stuff and they see it as the solution to the problem.

Sian’ it’s not, it’s not always the solution. it’s not always the solution, but sometimes it can help just to boost yourself up, extra, a little bit.

It can give you a boost to help you deal with it yourself, if you can give yourself sort of motivation to help you deal with it yourself, I think it, it feels, you sort of resent it when you know that they’ve given it you to basically shut you up and they’re using that as a way to sort you out. And that’s not right because you’ve obviously got underlying issues. You know the medication isn’t going to be there forever and if it is, you, your body will get used to it, and you know it’ll stop having the same effect. But when you know that they’ve given it as a way of saying, Yeah we’ll give you this, to give you a boost, to help you sort your own problems out, and then we’ll wean you off the differentrdquo;

it’s alright in short term, but I wouldn’t really advise it you know, for, long periods of time, I know that, I’ve probably been on mine since I was 10 [laughter]. And I’m 18 now so

And I asked them [the doctor] if I could like, you know, if they could set me in like a therapy or something, and they were like, No And then they put me on a waiting list, I’m still on this waiting list. And I was really shocked by that. Because it’s just like, yeah that was like the option, antidepressants and I didn’t, like I’m, like I’m sure that some people like, you know need them, because I know some people like actually cannot do anything anymore and I was still at the stage where basically I could get out of bed in the morning even though it was incredibly hard. But I would just like have prolonged anxiety attacks. But I felt like okay, like this is really hard, but I don’t want to start to rely on medication. And I don’t think that is really the issue.

I eventually went and talked to the counsellor, and it made me feel crap for about two days cos it dug up a load of stuff that I didn’t want to think about, but it certainly helped. And I’m glad I did it, I’m definitely glad I did it.

But I went and talked to the counsellor and we talked it through, so we just had a couple, a couple of sessions kind of talking it through, how I was feeling and why I might be feeling like that. And it definitely helped, but I was still feeling down a lot of the time, and I eventually went and talked to a GP and said, Look I’m, I sort of, I’m talking to people I’m in counselling and I feel like I’m moving forward but I just, I need, kind of I need something to help me get over that hump basically.

And I was put on some anti-depressants which actually really helped. I don’t like taking medicines, I really hate taking medicines. I really prefer to kind of let my body deal with it, so it wasn’t, it wasn’t an easy decision to make. But it was kind of I just, I’d reached this realisation that, yes I can get through it on my own steam and it will be something that I get myself through but I’m gonna need help to do it. I can’t, I can’t do this entirely by myself. And part of that was going to see a counsellor and talking to them about it, and talking about how I feel and why I feel that way and sort of, getting I guess cognitive things I can do to help myself feel better. So sort of thinking exercises and of things like that but also being able to go to talk to a doctor and say, Look I’m depressed, I need something to help me with i.

They sort of said, explained basically look this is, how you’re feeling is not uncommon, it happens to a lot of people, I know it happens to a lot of people. And it’s great that you’re in counselling, it’s great that you’re doing this, you know, you, it’s, that will definitely help you and you will definitely move through it, but it’s its okay to be, just something to give you boost over the hump.

Cos that’s, that, I mean that’s that why the drugs exist is to kind of bolster you. And I mean taking, just taking anti-depressants I don’t think would help a lot, because I wouldn’t kind of work through the things that were bugging me. But with kind of talking to people and getting help, and also just kind of as time went on, they just kind of they, they got me out of the bad moods enough to be able to be optimistic and things like that. And that’s, I mean they’re not perfect, I still have days where I feel awful, when I’m on them but the definitely have stabilised me a lot, which is good.

There was so many that could be you get visual, you can get visual disturbances and hearing voices from depression medication. Weight gain, you can get increased appetite or decreased appetite, you can sleep so much. They put me on a full dose of one of them, at one point they had to halve it because I couldn’t stay awake, I physically couldn’t do anything. I mean my Dad would take, took me for a walk once, and I only got sort of five minutes each way and we were back again, sat on the couch and slept for two hours, in which time my Mum rang my like nurse guy, and was like, Look not being funny, but for the past three days since she started taking them, she can’t stay awake. You’re sedating her and she’s missing her whole life type thing Cos I just, I wasn’t awake, I was awake for about three hours a day.

When it happens it’s just, it’s kind of like I know I’m there, and I know what’s happening, But I’m not in control. If that makes sense you know? Kind of, my whole body just goes numb, and I’m just, it’s like watching a film, it’s like I’m in the mind, but I’m not, if that makes sense? I can see through the eyes, but that’s about it.

But it’s, sometimes I mean, sometimes like when it’s, when it changes it can, can be quite painful and what not, sometimes I get the shakes and tremors, and massive, massive headaches. And sometimes it feels like you know, not enough room in my head if that makes sense? You know, two people in there at the same time. But most of the time it’s pretty, it’s pretty alright, it’s just it’s only really within the first hour of me taking the pill which is why I do it at night. Or if I find myself bored, or you know just my mind wandering. And before I know it, I’m gone.

How often does it happen?

I’d say usually about once a day.

And, and you’ve noticed that it’s often related to taking your medication?

It’s, it’s pills or boredom, yeah. So I try to keep myself active. Try and listen to my music, try to, you know text my girlfriend, anything like that, just to keep my hands busy, keep myself busy, keep my mind busy. Keep it active.

I personally didn’t agree with that medicine, like not me but my body. I felt like I wasn’t being happy, I wasn’t getting happier it was sort of, it made me feel, well I think it was the medicine, cos nothing else had changed, it made me feel like I wasn’t really real, sort of like I was dreaming a lot of the time. And it made me not care and I was doing things without thinking about the consequences, like it would just, it sort of made it worse in ways. It didn’t make me feel worse, but my behaviour changed without me knowing why. And I didn’t like, I didn’t like it and I just felt, it felt weird and I thought this can’t helping.

Mm. Did you notice yourself those changes?

Yeah I did and I was getting more suicidal and sort of I think that’s what the not caring was, it was like, Oh it doesn’t matter if I do this cos I’m not going be here much longe sort of thing.

Mm. So those kind of made your sort of suicidal, self harm thoughts, sort of more?

Yeah. I think it was the medicine.

And they [antidepressants] just didn’t, they weren’t helping, and I was like, Yes I feel happier, but these thoughts are making me feel worse. So it was just like a constant conflict between the two, and the side effects were so bad for me that I was just like, I feel sick every morning, and I’m just I’m having headaches, feeling dizzy, and I was just like, Why when it’s not helping? So they obviously tried different forms of tablets to take and like some you had to take three a day, and I, I do get so frustrated, and Why do I need to take a tablet for my thoughts? And people would say, People who have diabetes have to take tablets every day. It is a medical condition; it’s not something that’s wrong. Because you don’t have any physical symptoms, I think a lot of people think that it’s not an illness, whereas it actually is, and sometimes you do need tablets to tackle it, like my Mum needs tablets. And if you don’t have those tablets then you just fall back into the cycle. So like diabetes if you don’t take your insulin you fall back into the cycle it can lead to like obviously horrible effects, just like depression can.

I then kind of stopped taking them, without telling my GP, just ‘cos I just kept forgetting to take them, and I thought I’ll take ‘em later, I’ll take them later, I’ll take them later. And then kind of I just didn’t and I haven’t been back on them for a while, I mean I am kind of umming and erring with the decision of going back on them, just because I am going through this kind of bit at the moment that I’ve become like, Phew Okay, but I know that they can make you more anxious. I mean they work for some people, and some people they don’t. And I’m still trying to work out whether I’m one of those that it does or doesn’t.

I wouldn’t say no to them, I’d like, it, and they did ask me, did I want to go on anti-depressants. And I, because I was kind of this, Oh right, kind of state of mind, so, Yeah, why not? Go for it.And like as I said I’m thinking about going back on them, but it’s kind of weighing up the pros and cons of it, ‘cos they do make me feel a bit more anxious, for a while until like everything evens out and it did take about 4 to 6 weeks, it isn’t a quick [click finger] like that. Like drugs and kind of sort of counselling and CBT, will kind of be the best way of kind of dealing with it and talking to people. I, like if I had to pick one way of dealing with it, it would be talking, talking about things, ‘cos there’s only, there’s only so much that a drug can do. But I wouldn’t say no, and I wouldn’t discourage anyone from using them. I would encourage them to use it ‘cos it might work for them, it might you know, just don’t drink heavily on them because then it can just make you feel worse, because like yeah. They just can.

I was put on anti-depressants cos I still weren’t quite rightYeah, and until this, until recently I only just found out the anti-depressants I’ve been taking at the wrong time, I’ve been taking them in the evening when I should’ve been taking them in the morning. All the doctors I’ve been seeing didn’t realise that, after four years, and now things are better.

So tell me what happened, what was it like? Would you sort of stay awake long periods of time during the night?

Till about 4 or 5, maybe 6 you know.

And did anyone at that point think at all that it could be to do with the timing of the anti-depressants?

No. No. They just thought I was a night person, or lazy you know. And then it weren’t until I saw the doctor recently, cos I was feeling low again, and he said, Well, what time do you take your anti-depressant I was like, In the evening He says, Well there’s one mistake there, you should be taking them in the morning I was like, Ah But hasn’t anyone told you that And I was like, No Like that. So after four years, you know, someone should’ve told me that but
And did you change it straight away?

Yeah. And he upped the dose as well.

And how soon did you start being able to sleep at night?

Straight away.