I think like, things like girls went out the window completely. I think that was just like not an option for me. I was just feeling, as I say, I was going through my Morrissey years so I was listening to that, you know. I know it’s over’, you know, all this kind of rubbish so that was never really kind of a, a thing for me so that kind of went on like the back burner for a while. A bit like that in friendships as well. I think in many ways like my friendships became a lot more solidified with like, with my good friends that I knew really well, like I would hang out, like I’d kind of recognise that they were people that I was really comfortable like with at the time and wouldn’t really have to put on a front almost. So I think kind of my kind of core friendship group grew quite significantly, significantly during that time because I felt that I was like comfortable with them I wouldn’t have to like pretend that I wasn’t like particularly happy and stuff. So, yeah, I think that was like quite a normal sort of friendship relationship kind of vibe.

My friends wear make-up as well but they don’t have as many spots as me. Like one of them does but most like-, all of the others don’t, so they don’t really need it.

Do you talk to any of your friends about spots?

Yeah, but only the ones that have spots because the others don’t really understand.

I just like talk to them like because they have it as well, so we just talk about like how-, what we have to do to like not have it anymore

One of my friends actually, we di-, like we didn’t really, the nice thing was that they didn’t bring it up, but I felt that I could bring it up if I wanted to. But it wasn’t sort of, no one really cared. Which was nice. But I remember, I was always really conscious of people touching my face, because they’d feel it was like dry or scarred or anything like that. But I remember one of my friends, she’d be, she was really sort of open about it. And we’d do makeovers and she’d, she’d like touch my face like it was any other face. And I remember that was the, like the absolute nicest feeling. Because you sort of, in a way it feels a bit cursed when you’re like, you’ve got this face but you, you don’t want it, you don’t want anyone to touch it, you don’t want to touch it or look at it. So when someone just sort of approaches you and, you know, it’s like, Oh, Harriet, it’s nice to see you and it’s, you’re just like, Oh, I’m a regular person. [laughs].

[Laughs]

So that, yeah, that’s one of the things that stays with me actually and yeah. It’s just wanting to be, it’s not really that you don’t get treated normally, but you’re always really aware that people might, might sort of intentionally be treating you extra normal. Yeah, but it’s, it’s nice when you have those sort of moments of human contact, yeah.

I was actually always really conscious of people not wanting to sort of be near my face because they might, they might get it as well. That was probably one of the nice things about someone actually touching my face. It’s like, I’m not scared. It’s okay yeah. And it, I feel like people make assumptions about, they sort of see you and think, She must be doing something wrong you know. Even though you’re sort of, you’re trying harder than everyone else to do something right, yeah [laughs].

But, yeah, it was just nice to have kind of like a network of people who you could just complain to and just be like, Oh, I’m having a bad skin day today. And they’ll be like, Yeah, that’s okay. And like sometimes if I didn’t wanna go out cos I’d been having like a bad day, then my friends would be like, That’s okay. We can just, we can just come over to my house and we can just stay there. So that’s really nice, rather than you feel like forced to go somewhere that you really don’t wanna go to.

Because that previously, like before I have a very good condition and like I don’t grow acnes and my skin looks smooth and it’s just very good. And then I had a very serious like acne condition about one and a half years ago. That’s before I come to UK to read my degree. And it’s just I, when I grow acnes I don’t really want to meet my friends. And another thing is that I don’t really want to make new friends because I don’t want them to see me, the most ugly m-, like to see the most ugly me, yeah. So it kind of hold me back to, yeah, communicate with others. And sometimes I feel quite lonely.

Yes, I used to be very outgoing and I liked to make new friends. I really enjoy chatting to friends and listening to their stories. But after I’ve grown acnes I feel like a barrier between me and others. And I just feel not very confident to talk to them. And I think maybe they will despise me because I’ve grown acnes and because I think acne is related to a hygienic condition. But actually I’ve, I really care about hygiene. And I think it’s, yeah, so I’m, I think that others might think, Oh, that person is not very, like, like they, they don’t care about cleanliness. So they’ve grown acnes. But actually it’s not. But I think, yes, sometimes others will be, like s-, very despise about, yeah.

Has acne ever had an impact on potential relationships?

I don’t know, I mean I, I wasn’t in a relationship or even looking for one at school and then by the time I got to university I had I’d been through the first lot of Roaccutane (isotretinoin) and my skin was sort of like pretty good to start with and then I met my boyfriend and then it wasn’t until a little later that I had the second and third course of Roaccutane and he was very supportive throughout the whole way. So yeah I do, I don’t think it would really, I mean I don’t know maybe at school if I’d been more confident about myself I would have, I don’t know [laughs]. But I don’t think I was really in the right like frame of mind and I wasn’t really interested so I don’t, I don’t think so, but I don’t know it’s hard to tell.

Yeah. Was that, when you say not in the frame of mind for potential relationships – was that generally or do you think that was related to acne?

I mean I think generally because my, I, yeah I wasn’t really looking. But like also I think if I’d thought about it I didn’t really think that anyone would be interested I don’t know [laughs]. It was probably part of that but , you know I was also busy with like all my academic stuff and like my friends. So I don’t think it would have been like the only factor but it probably did have some-, well it certainly had an effect on what I thought other people would think when they saw me so I just thought that no-one would find me attractive anyway so it didn’t really matter but yeah.

I mean there is a feeling of waking up in the morning and having your own routine that you’re used to, is a lot better, especially if you don’t know someone that long. I mean, if it’s a friend for five or six years that I’ve known them, it’s fine, you know, if they see it. But if it’s someone that I just recently met or you’re dating someone on top of everything, it’s kind of embarrassing to introduce that into a relationship, as in like Yeah, I’m just going to have to get up thirty minutes before because I have to do all of these things, you know like, washing your face, hydrating it, tonic, everything that needs to go on it. And I don’t know it just feels like they’re judging you on some level. As in like, Oh, what would happen if they wouldn’t do that? You know what I mean, they have a weird idea, like, Are you going to turn into Shrek or something?’

It’s uncomfortable, to be honest. I mean, if you’re going to go on a first date or anything like that, you’re going to have acne. You’re going to try and do everything to hide it. No matter how we look at it. No matter what’s going on, who’s, how comfortable you are in your skin, for all I care, you can be Beyoncé and like, you know, be amazingly gorgeous, but if you have acne, you’re going to try and hide it, no matter what. So just having that in your life still to this day is frustrating, I guess. So in relationships, you’re going to try to show the best side of you, especially in the first few months or the first year. Then you don’t want them to see you having an acne, I mean you’re coming in contact with a person very, very close. So that’s going to be like, Oh, God, what if they see it. They’re going to be grossed out or something like that.

And what about for you, if you met somebody who had acne themselves?

It’s really hard not to, see that’s the bad, really bad part about it, you see I used to have acne and I know what worked for me and when you had acne and you kind of see someone and you’re interested in them, yeah and you do tend to accept them. But you really want to be like, Oh, I tried this and you could try it too. Maybe it works for you. ‘Cos you’re not really able to say that to a person ‘cos then they’re going to be offended. That’s like, Oh, so you don’t like me this way or you think I’m ugly?’ You know what I mean, so it’s just like that kind of affects the whole thing. So you can’t even give advice to them. So that’s a little bit annoying. But you wouldn’t want it happening to you. So I wouldn’t want my partner to be like, Yeah, you have a huge pimple on your forehead and I used to do this and it went away. You know, so it’s a little bit weird that it’s a taboo on top of everything. So it’s such a daily thing but it’s still a taboo, no matter how we look at it. Like, no-one is willing to talk about it that much. You can Google it. You’ll see the weird commercials with Demi Lovato having whatever it’s called, her skin care these days. You know, she’s going to be talking about it but come on you’re a celebrity. I mean, if I had that much money, I would look like, my skin would be perfect too every day. But you know what I mean, it’s just like as an average every day person, an average person, we’re not going to be talking about it. It’s a taboo for everyone, in a relationship, in friends, everything. Most of the time we don’t talk about it. It’s still embarrassing.

Hang out with the boys I’d say I suppose not yet because some of them have not gone through the acne phase yet or people that do can relate to what issues occur during this age. Hanging out with girls makes it quite awkward sometimes, having spots it changes your image, how people see you in that sort of sense but you can’t change it.

I suppose it kind of does make you a bit more anxious or makes you think how they might be judging you and you kind of lose a lot of confidence talking to people while you have acne because it ruins your image to other people.

It’s in that time when, you know, everyone’s getting boyfriends or girlfriends and you just think like, No one’s going to want me. I look awful. This is like, how, how is anyone, how, yeah, how can anyone love me when I have a face that looks like this?’ Which is, it’s kind of, it sort of becomes the be-all and end-all. Because that’s, obviously you want nice skin for yourself, but at that age you’re like, it, you don’t really want it for yourself, you want it so you can be beautiful for other people, yeah. Now I don’t, I don’t really, I don’t feel like that thankfully. But when, when you’re younger you do, you just want to sort of look pretty and fit in, yeah.

In your experience, has acne had any impact on sort of relationships or potential partners?

Well, not really. Like I, sort of my group, whole group of friends, we were, we, there was maybe like seven girls and we all just kept ourselves to ourselves all through school and through sixth form. So like I never really had any kind of romantic interest or involvement during that time. Which was fine by me. But like obviously you think, Oh, yes, I fancy them, they’re cute. But sort of nothing would ever come of it because, you know, you’ve got acne and no one will want you. Or like that’s how I felt. But it’s strange when I look at other people and they maybe tell me that they’re self-conscious about their skin, and you don’t even register when you’re looking at someone else and you really don’t notice. And it’s such a frustrating thing because I wish I could transplant that knowledge into like the head of 14-year-old me. But people, they, they just like, there’s more important things when you’re meeting a person or talking to a person than what their face looks like, yeah. So, yeah.

So in practice, do you feel like having acne did hold you back from sort of talking to people that maybe you did sort of have a bit of a crush on or like a little bit?

I think I was probably just quite shy anyway, and acne probably, it probably contributed to that. But I’d have probably been like that anyway because I’d, sort of all through school I was quite shy and quite reserved. And it’s only, yeah, only in sort of the last year of sixth form and coming into university that I’ve actually started to build up my confidence. And I think maybe it would have happened, sort of that confidence building, might have happened sooner if I didn’t have acne. But, so it sort of prolonged a shyness maybe, but the shyness was definitely there anyway.

Could I ask about relationships and potential relationships and any impact it’s had on those?

Yeah. I guess because of the self-confidence issue, until I was sort of 16, I just assumed that sort of people like weren’t interested and in sort of liking me. And quite, I always think quite interestingly it was after my second course of Roaccutane (isotretinoin) when my skin sort of cleared up a lot, I don’t know if it had more to do with me being more self-confident and noticing but, like, guys seemed to be more interested then [laughs]. Shallow [laughs].

[Laughs]

But, yeah, I guess sometimes now I am still a bit self-conscious around sort of people, even like people I’m in a relationship with I feel like, Oh no, my skin looks really bad today. Like, what are they going to think?’ So it does still affect me a little bit. But, yeah, I guess I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is that shallow.

If my boyfriend is staying over and I’ve got to like take my make-up off, I’m like, ahhh, it’s going to look, I’ve got bad skin today and I’m a bit concerned about it. Actually when I first met my boyfriend, I’d just keep make-up on like all the time when I was around him which is a bit stupid really, in retrospect and he said it was really daft of me. Cos, see I was like, I really want to take this off, because I am going to make my skin worse but I don’t want to take it off because my skin will look bad. So, yeah, it is, I suppose still an issue [laughs].