Do you tell people? Do you keep it quiet? Who do you tell? Do you feel embarrassed? Do you feel humiliated? Do you feel, what do you feel? What do you say to people when they say they haven’t seen your daughter for a while? I mean there are all these things. It’s, you’re kind of like you’re skating on ice. You don’t know how to be. Some of my family members really didn’t get it, I mean were a very close family. I can remember my brother crying down the phone and saying, How could she do this to us? And I’m thinking, Do it to us? Someone who really doesn’t understand mental health and still doesn’t, she wasn’t thinking of us.

I meant to say, one of the things, the decisions that we needed help with, at that point, was what we said to people about what had happened.

And what we, what we ended up saying, was that she had, had real problems with dealing with pressure, and that sort of thing, and shed had small, brief spell in hospital and she was going to be home and we would, you we will be dealing with it, and that sort of thing. What would, with hindsight, I think what we should have said was been quite open with people, and said what had happened, that she had she was depressed, she was struggling with pressure, shed taken an overdose, and she needed everybody’s help, and support.

Because, of course, then what, what we then added to all of the pressure that she was under, was the fact that she was keeping it a secret, and that is still a problem. So, those decisions, somebody has to be there, helping the family make those decisions at that point.

What are you going to tell people? And, actually, I think that almost has to be that registrar position, because, in our experience, you can’t wait for, for the CAMHS support to kick in, because it’s just not going to be there, when you need it. So, there has to be somebody sitting there right at the time, saying, Right. This is what you’re going to put on your Facebook page, or tell your friends, when they text you. We had a ridiculous situation, the first night, when I was sitting, I went off to get some food for us both, and came back, and my daughter was on the phone to one of her friends, and the friend had phoned to ask how she was, because shed heard she was in hospital, and two minutes of the conversation was, How are you? [my daughter] said, Oh well, I’m on a drip but I’m, you know, I’m going to be all right. And all this sort of business, and then twenty minutes of this girl agonising about the problems about, the fact that she was currently at a party, and there was a boy there that she fancied, and he was ignoring her, and she didn’t know what to do about it, and, you know, my daughter actually sat there giving her advice about relationships [laughs]. And you think, oh for goodness sake. But, what, the fact that we weren’t open about things, at that point, meant that her friends didn’t know how to talk to her, didn’t know how to deal with her, or to cope with her, because they didn’t know what they were dealing with.

Who else knows about your husband’s self-harming and the mental health problems?

His mum and step-dad and his sister. Obviously, myself. We have about five five or six friends, close, very close friends that know. Obviously, our GP, psychiatrist, [mental health charity] worker, and that’s about it. It’s not something, I mean this is this is another thing that self-harming isn’t very widely spoken about. It’s, you know, it’s very hush, hush, type of thing, which I think is a bit of a shame because if it was discussed a little more, I don’t think there would be such a stigma of people with self-harm. I think I don’t think it would be as I mean it seems just it seems now it seems quite, a lot of people call it attention seeking and to a certain degree, yes, I did say that it was attention seeking to begin with because I didn’t know about. That’s just what you’re brought up knowing, anyone who self-harms, Oh, it’s attention seeking. You know, it’s a cry for help but sometimes it goes a lot deeper than that.

It’s not a cry for help. It’s a way of that person expressing how they feel through pain or through seeing their skin open or through knowing that they’ve harmed themselves or knowing that their blood is coming out. It’s a whole host of different things. I mean it’s a mental, you know, it’s a form of mental abuse. I know a lot of stigma is placed on it so that is why we didn’t tell a lot of people. Weve told people who we trust completely and, obviously, my husband’s family. They need to know about it but when my husband had did what he did to his legs, about five months ago we had his family over three days after he had done what hed done to his legs and we had to lie to them. We had to tell them that he had had a football injury, because he was all bandaged up. My husband didn’t have the heart to tell them what hed done because he was ashamed of what hed done and he also didn’t want to see the look on his mum’s face. He didn’t want to see the look on his dad, his step-dad’s face. He was very much ashamed of what hed done for the simple fact that he didn’t think he it would ever come to that again.

And likewise did you or did you not tell your mother about your daughter’s self-harming?

I didn’t, no.

You didn’t?

I would have felt that was completely, yes, not allowed. For one thing, we didn’t talk about things, my mother and I. We had a very good relationship but it was just old-fashioned, very old-fashioned, and there were just certain areas you didn’t mention. And the other reason is I think it, I had, I felt I had to keep it kind of secret for my daughter’s sake. I’m not so sure why I felt that now. I think if things happen now I treat it differently. But I’m an older, wiser person now and times have changed a bit. I don’t think there was the same stigma then at all. I’m sure that’s not why I said it, um why I decided not to tell people. I think it was just a bit of respect for my daughter. I didn’t want anybody saying to her, Oh, dear, I hear you’ve been having trouble or That’s probably why I didn’t mention it to friends and relations. I probably didn’t want them talking to her about it.

Did you tell anybody else? Did she tell anybody else? How widely disclosed was it?

No, no, some of our friends knew. I think probably there may be one or two of her dad’s family may have known. My partner at the time, I told him but nobody else, not really any other extended family mainly because my family are massive over reactors [laughs]. I’m not [laughs] but they are massive over reactors and, in a way, it was a sort of selfish thing really, I certainly didn’t tell my mother because I thought, shes the last person I’m going to tell because I’m going to have her on the phone to me every five minutes going, Ooh, what’s happening? How’s [daughter’s name]? Oh I couldn’t stand all that and it’s the same with my sisters and stuff, I would have got that so it was probably for selfish reasons why I didn’t tell them because I just couldn’t stand the aggravation. Yeah, but that’s, you know, that’s, that’s okay but I didn’t, I didn’t feel like I needed their support at all because I don’t think I’d have got it. I’d have just got this [hand movements demonstrating repeated talking].

I remember thinking though with friends that there were some people I would have loved to have tried to share with but I dared not to just in case the reaction was dismissive or incredulous or, you know, critical. I felt I couldn’t take that risk and, therefore, I felt I was leading a double life because I’m a very open person normally, I like to support other people but equally, you know, if they say to me, What’s the matter? You don’t seem your normal self, or something, I would probably tell them, whereas I felt I couldn’t, I was hiding and living with this sort of terrible secret that was eating me up and I desperately wanted the help but I was trapped and couldn’t, felt that I couldn’t do so.