Ann
Ann’s eldest daughter has a long history of self-harm and mental health problems. Ann says it’s a very lonely world parenting a child who self-harms and would like to set up a support group.
Ann first noticed a cut on her daughter’s arm when she was 16. Her daughter had become withdrawn and admitted that she didn’t like life and cutting made her feel better. Ann took her to the GP, who referred her for counselling. The counselling service said she was too young for them, but the CAMHS service said she was too old and referred her to adult mental health services, who referred her back to CAMHS because she was too young. It was only when Ann threatened to call the local press that an appointment with a CAMHS psychiatrist was arranged. Her daughter was put on antidepressants but the self-cutting continued and she then took an overdose and was admitted to the hospital adolescent unit. Ann and her husband felt confused and angry that no one told them how they were supposed to deal with self-harm.
After several admissions their daughter was sent to an assessment unit for five months, after which she was discharged home with diagnoses of personality disorders, anxiety disorder, depressive disorder and schizoid traits. Her difficulties were said to relate to several abusive relationships in her childhood (outside the family). Ann took two months off work to look after her, but the self-harm continued and her daughter was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where she tried to hang herself. Following this she was transferred to an eating disorder unit over 100 miles away. For the next 16 months Ann and her husband travelled there every Sunday to visit her. This took a huge toll on family life, especially for the two younger children who had to be left with relatives; it also caused financial difficulties. On discharge she had to live near the hospital, and again Ann took time off work to support her, but once her daughter was 21 she came to live in her own flat near her parents. On one horrific occasion she cut her neck very badly. She is much better now and has not overdosed recently, but continues to cut herself.
Ann has had very different experiences with the various services involved in their daughter’s care. One hospital was excellent and involved the families of patients, but at another there was no communication with the family apart from family therapy sessions which Ann found destructive. She was made to feel that her daughter’s problems were her fault and her husband was accused of not showing his emotions. She thinks there should be better out-hours services for emergencies. Ann was offered counselling through her work on two occasions but stopped after a few sessions because of the counsellor’s unreliable time keeping. Now if she is upset she goes to bed or does housework, which she finds therapeutic.
Ann’s husband provides calm support for Ann and their two other children. Ann says he is frustrated and feels marginalised because their daughter confides in her mother rather than him. Ann thinks they were wrong to try to protect their younger children by keeping the self-harm secret at first, but now they are older she thinks that because of what the family has gone through they are more aware of other people’s thoughts and feelings. She is proud of the way they listen and give advice to their friends. The family are now able to talk about any subject. Ann has not discussed the full extent of their daughter’s problems with other members of the extended family, but they try to be supportive.
At work Ann was supported and allowed time off when she worked on a ward, but her current manager is less sympathetic and has denied her carer’s leave. Ann searched for help and information on the internet, but says she would prefer to share experiences in a group with other parents. Nothing like this was available, so she hopes to set up her own parental support group eventually.
Ann says she still doesn’t understand self-harm. People have to learn how to cope with things in a constructive manner, but this is hard. She would like to see education programmes in schools to encourage children to talk and listen, and suggests that each area should have a psychiatric admissions unit so that self-harm patients wouldn’t have to go to A&E and general hospital wards where staff aren’t trained in mental health. She advises clinicians to ask parents for their thoughts and opinions, and to listen to them, and ask how they are coping. Her advice to parents is to keep calm, talk to your child, don’t be angry and don’t judge. Don’t be afraid to say when you’re upset, otherwise you might come across as uncaring. Don’t ignore signs of your child’s distress, but go to your GP and persevere until treatment is offered. She also says it’s important not to forget your other children.