it’s a bit like throwing a stone in a pond and the ripples just, the initial ripples are quite strong and then they sort of dissipate. But from time to, time to time, you know, you’re still getting a few little, you know. I think it’s been incredibly hard on my husband. I mean I don’t think anyone, prioritised him as much as perhaps he ought to have been. I was always very conscious. But you know, he was trying to hold down a very demanding full time job. He had his Mother in law living in his house for months on end. He was looking after his daughter. He was, you know, incredibly worried that, you know, his worst nightmare was to lose both of us. And then be left to raise [first daughter] on his own. And I think, men aren’t so good at talking about things, and I also think when it’s over. We are, don’t get me wrong, so grateful. People think oh well it’s done now. Everything’s back and everything’s worked out in the end di da di da di da. And I don’t think that, you know, they acknowledge how difficult it was or how, how far reaching. You know, and both of us, if we watch something on the telly about a premature baby you know, ohhh and you think there, but for the grace of God, with a lot of them, you know, and so, you know, I am in awe of my husband and of my daughter really.

I think I was so focused on [first daughter] and my own situation, at that point that he was sort of carrying me along. I didn’t really ever, I didn’t have time to think about how he was feeling until afterwards and I reflected back on it. He seemed to be very strong to me at the time, but my Mum saw him, she saw the cracks when he wasn’t with me. And when he phoned my parents to tell them, each night when he left the hospital, he took that week off work, he would phone them with update and she saw a different side to him. She saw someone very anxious and traumatised by what I was going through and he’s not easily made anxious or traumatised. He’s a very laid back, optimistic person who he’s very strong, he’s, he’s been through difficult situations and sort of weathered the storm very well. His Mother died when he was 19, his brother died when he was 14. He’s been through a lot, he’s a very strong man and he kept that façade up but I think probably was really struggling underneath it all and my Mum certainly feels that it was a very difficult time for him, yes.

But yes, no it was tough and it was tough coming back because we had nothing ready, no nappies, no cot. I remember coming back on the Friday evening and him making up the cot, as we sat and had a cup of tea, because it wasn’t done, it still wasn’t done. By I think by that point I think the relief or the euphoria after it was immense, but obviously there’s a down side and I think for us as a family we’re very happy now, but I think there were times when I think it was still in the back of your mind always. so it was a very, the first year was probably quite a, I wouldn’t say a down year. We didn’t have more arguments or anything like that it was just very sort of mono, you just get through every day. But then you know, life has a way of just picking things up and we’ll probably after two, two and a half years things have picked up and once [son] started school we felt very much in a different place. But yes, I suppose emotionally even though you do get that sort over protectiveness. You know, we only have on child, but so do others. But I suppose there’s certain times when we’re probably more neurotic than normal if you know what I mean [laughs]. Very hard to judge but you know, there would be situations where oh no we don’t want [son] gong there because we don’t feel safe, or and [husband] also had that, which I felt was interesting. Because I thought it would be mainly me who was a bit more you know, can’t do this, but actually we both have that same sort of pattern. Not so much now, now we have to be sort of be aware, we’ve learned to let go and get on with things. But yes, I suppose for people that have gone through traumatic, you know, because it is that it’s the aftermath isn’t it. Just sort of picking up the pieces. Everything else is the same, no, we’re in this house, nothing has literally changed. It was, you know, just sort of life as it was, but I remember just feeling quite mono just not have any emotion really, not mad or happy or but now you know, you just sort of learn to go with the experiences and its fine now, but fortunately I didn’t dip into depression.

Did you worry about that do you think?

I think so. I really thought tomorrow I’m going to be depressed [laughs]. Because you know, it just, it just didn’t stack up that we’d been through all this. I’m very supportive and I suppose looking at the partnership between [husband] and myself I am the strong, you know, the strong confident one. And I almost feel guilty because I wasn’t there when he needed me. I was there, but I wasn’t you know, there, there. So that makes me feel oh you know, but he’s got a lot tougher so that’s a very good thing really.

So from that point of view I think that was, that was the hardest. So once I started picking up on who I was again, I think it made things easier because then he could let go a little bit and not be the one who had to be the strong one, the tough one, you know. But yes, it was definitely interesting. It was a tough year, but then again a lot of parents have tough years as we know. Very lucky that we got through it, yes, a big argument’s sometimes on the way, but I suspect they would have happened anyway.