So I told them [Education Welfare Office] that I wanted to live with him [dad], but then, I was a bit shy so when my Mum come to pick us up from school, she was like, Who did you tell them you wanted to live with? And my little sister went straight away, she went, Oh I said I wanted to live with my Dad. And she looked at me she went, Who did you say you wanted to live with? I was like, I said I wanted to live with you. She said, Did you really? I was like, Yeah. And I couldn’t tell her that I’d said I wanted to live with him. And then about a week later, the education welfare officer comes round again to check his house, and my Mum’s house, and they was like looking at them both, and then they sat down and we had a chat with my Mum and we had a chat with him, and the education, I remember to this day the Education Welfare Officer told my Mum that I’d said I wanted to live with him. And I literally ran upstairs crying and I pushed my bed in front of my door so she couldn’t come in. And she was just talking to me through the door for about half an hour, I was just like sobbing my heart out. She was like, Kirstie it doesn’t matter, I understand why you’d say it, blah de blah blah, ‘cos he promises we’ll go on holidays during school time like, and everything, and obviously compared to what my Mum’s saying, you will have to go to school, you will have to do your homework, living with him was gonna sound so much better.

And we was there all through the summer holidays and then we got the house my Mum’s in at the moment. But when we were in the refuge he turned up, ‘cos we left to go to the shop, and my Mum went, Everyone get back in now. And obviously me and my sister were jumping around in puddles, it’s been raining, we’re a bit excited, and it’s like, Everyone get back in now. And I wouldn’t go back in, I was still jumping in puddles, and then I saw him, and literally ran, straight across the road to see him, see if he was alright and everything. And it took my Mum and three other support worker people that were working there to get me off him, ‘cos I would not let go. ‘Cos I didn’t want to leave him again.

I’m sure if you’re living with your family, if you’re living with your mum and dad it’s everything is gonna be easier then, for you. Like you are on your own, I’m cooking, I’m washing the clothes for myself, I’m coming into my flat and like I need more time because I’m on my own so. For example I was living in my country my mum was helping me, my sisters was helping me for cooking, for cleaning, for cleaning clothes. Everything is coming to me now, that is why it’s, now that it’s hard for me, but difficult for me. But now I’m be okay because I stayed for about four years.

I think just generally anyway mental health is quite a taboo, a lot of people doesn’t matter what culture they’re from don’t really want to talk about. But it’s definitely within South Asian culture it’s kind of, it doesn’t even exist, there isn’t actually a kind of a concept of mental health, it really doesn’t exist. You’re either actually mad, and like you need to be in a mental home, or you’re just being silly. And it’s kind of, that’s definitely why like when I saw the opportunity to say something I was like good, because I know there’s a lot, it’s quite common apparently amongst so like Asian or like for example Muslim children, and like teenagers and even adults, but no-one talks about it because it’s, it’s quite because if it doesn’t exist you can’t talk about it if it doesn’t exist. And like I know a lot of parents will just kind of brush it aside so you’re just being a teenager, or you’re just being you, you know you’re being silly, everyone feels sad occasionally.

You can’t, because you can’t explain to them what it is, and you can’t get them to see what it, they just, they’re not willing to kind of change their view on it, it’s really hard to, you can’t ever talk about it with your parents because they don’t believe it exists. And it’s kind of, it’s hard to talk about something they don’t believe something exists. And then even if you do manage to convince them that you do have a problem, they will just you know it’s kind of like, Okay, so you want to see a psychiatrist, what if someone finds out you’re seeing a psychiatrist? it’s going to be a bad, it’s gonna be like, it shows that we’re not great parents

And it’s kind of like, it’s nothing to do you with you not being good parents it’s, you know, I have respect for my parents, and I don’t think that they ever did anything wrong in bringing me up, in the way they brought me up, but it’s kind of, it is a personal thing like, some people in my situation might never have been upset about it. My Dad grew up in a very busy household but he’s, I as far as, you know he’s rarely ever sad and it’s not because he’s faking it, he’s actually just, you know he, he loves having people round, he loved coming from a busy household, I didn’t like it because I was a really quiet kid anyway, and they kind of, they don’t really realise that people do have different kind of personalities and one situation will affect different people in different ways, and it, you know even if they don’t accept mental health as a topic, they really don’t understand low moods in general.

I came home once when I was about 16, I moved in with my Dad and there was a post-it note on the toilet seat saying, You’ve blocked the fucking drains again And he’d gone off to live with his girlfriend cos he couldn’t be bothered to get a plumber. My Mum once heard me being sick in the shower, and she was like, Why do you keep doing that when you go in the bathroom And I’m like, I swallowed some shampoo And she was like, No you didn’t, you make yourself sick And I was just like really embarrassed, like a hot flush. That’s the only thing they ever said to me about it.

And they knew. They knew, they really knew. But didn’t do anything.

What did you think about that at the time? Do you remember?

Um, being glad that they didn’t know. But when you look in hindsight and you think actually they did, that doesn’t, well, that doesn’t make me angry it just makes me like, Why Like, why, who wouldn’t worry about that in their own daughter, do you know what I mean? Like, to them they just thought it was this silly, I don’t know how they saw it actually, it’s never been raised, as an issue. Like, I’m not close to them anyway so but then it’s never been. Nothing’s ever been said about it, other than those two comments.

But, yeah like I know they, they’ve found it quite difficult too, and I know they put a lot of time and thought into it and agonised over it quite a lot. So I know it does affect them as well and I mean that’s that’s part of what sort of keeps me going I guess is knowing that if I ever completely and utterly went to pieces, it, it’s not just me who would be affected, it would be all the people that I love as well, and it’s, and that kind of that realisation whilst I’m still going, there are people who would be devastated if, I don’t know if I was to die, or if I was just to completely go to pieces or turn into a vegetable or something, and I kind of realised that that means they probably do love me and do want to spend time with me. So, that certainly, yeah, I mean I think it’s been hard on them, but having that sort of, they’ve helped a lot and as a result have been amazing, so.

With Mum she’s kind of, she’s always, doesn’t matter how old I, how old I’ll be, I’ll always be a mummy’s boy. I know that sounds stupid, it sounds childish but, I mean well I’ll always look after my Mum cos she’s looked after me.

You know, she’s my Mum, you only get one. Do you know what I mean? And I’ve worked really, really, really hard to patch things up over the past couple of years, and especially with my Dad going away for work, I’ve done you know, you know, I’ve had to kind of, Oh do you need anything from shopping You know, yeah instead of going out and doing a weekly shop, a monthly shop with Dad in the car, there’s me going to Tescos doing a weekly shop and bringing about eight bags back on the bus, cos I can’t drive because of the diabetes at the moment so, you know I’ve always tried to do, tried to be okay with them for that.

I mean it does affect a lot relationships at home. Because the pressure and the feeling in your head affects your mood and it affects your body and it wears off on others. So they know something’s wrong, or because you’re not willing to talk about it, they’re not willing to talk about it, and it just gets worse so that happens, just work through it and openly speak.

I think it’s [self-esteem] always been quite low, again because I mentioned my sister, and obviously since she’s you know, she’s very articulate and she’s very clever, I always felt, ‘cos our family is, it’s quite an intelligent family, and I didn’t know at the time because of the dyslexia I couldn’t reach the goals and so, whereas they were getting all the good grades, I wasn’t. And that, I think that initially started the self esteem problems ‘cos I felt I wasn’t as good as the rest of the family and I was sort of the black sheep, I was the one that, that wasn’t as able, sort of with GCSE’s I think my cousin got, was in the newspaper for six A stars and five A’s. And I got all D’s and things, so obviously there’s The same, oh in fact on the same day where I finished, took my sixth form because they said obviously you can’t catch up, so you may as well leave, on the same day as I, I left that school, my sister got, at the college was awarded Learner of the Year for the whole of [county name], so obviously there’s, there’s a bit of a , you know, it’s not that difficult to notice there’s a difference between us.

Well, ever since I was, you know in quite young, well a teenager, I’ve always had this maternal instinct. I always knew I wanted to be a Mum. I mean I had ambitions, I knew I wanted to do certain things, I love writing and music and things like that but I think more than anything else I just wanted to be a Mum. I’m a home maker and you know I love to nurture and look after people. I fell pregnant quite unexpectedly and I was only 16 at the time. Which was quite scary, but I was adamant you know this is what I wanted, and I never had any doubt in my mind that I’d, you know, I was never really on the party scene or anything like that beforehand, so I didn’t really feel like I was giving anything up.

Because I’ve never been really outgoing, or you know I had friends, but I was never really that social so I wasn’t giving anything up. I knew I wanted to be a Mum. And, pregnancy was quite hard. I was really ill all through my pregnancy and, you know that’s quite draining. And you know being, being that young and going through, you know it was quite traumatic, well labour is anyway, butI’m not very good with injections and hospitals, I tend to avoid that kind of thing. So it was traumatic but the end result was I had my beautiful little girl.

And, for the first time I think ever I wanted to be alive and I had this euphoria, it was you know, it was like being born again, it was love, you know, it was wonderful, it was such a high. You know it felt like a drug to me, she was, I couldn’t get enough of her. Just laid awake, I don’t think I slept anyway, I mean it wasn’t her, she wasn’t awake crying, she was asleep, I stayed awake to watch her, I didn’t want to be away from her.

And, it was, it was just a positive thing for me, she turned, I mean you know obviously I’ve had a bit of a dip now with the depression, but I mean it just felt like she turned my life around. And I think for a while I think the OCD was there to some extent and, but I didn’t feel, I didn’t feel sad anymore. I felt so happy and so alive and so you know glad to be alive and it was just wonderful. And you know to me as she’s getting older now, and you know, children they need so much of your attention, and having depression I do find that hard sometimes to fully commit myself to her, especially when you know, as I said, when I was a child and finding you know, other child to play quite irritating, and not wanting to join in, so I’ve had to learn how to you know, to role play with her and to you know, to find some youth in me again, to connect with my daughter. So that, that would probably be about the only part of motherhood I’ve found hard, it’s just, you know, learning how to play again you know, and to get involved with her, but, she’s certainly uplifted my spirits.