I remember being very young, and blaming myself for things all the time, and thinking at the age of 4 or 5 how much better the world would be without me in it. And I’ve always heard these voices, always saying things like, you know, The world would be so much better with you not in it I want you to kill yourselve, that kind of thing. But yeah I can’t remember not hearing them, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always felt like I’m just draining people, and being a waste of people’s time. And when they told me that the voices were depression related, then I was saying I’ve heard them for as long as I can remember, so.

Well I say over the last maybe 10, not 10, 8 years or so, I was having kind of problems which I suppose you cold definitely say were mental health problems. But my parents, especially culturally, they don’t really believe that, it’s kind of a quiet taboo anyway and then just generally they personally don’t believe you could have mental health problems, they thought it’s just someone being a bit silly so it was quite, I didn’t really have the courage to make an effort to do anything about it. But last year during university it kind of hit me that it was, it was kind of, everything seemed to be taking over my life and I wasn’t really studying properly because it was, you know I might have done well in my A-levels and got into a top university, but it wasn’t reallylike suddenly I had this huge impact of my life, on my life and just everything was just falling apart of coming together or, however you wanna say it but it wasn’t really working well anymore. So I decided to start like seeing the school counsellor and stuff. And although I’ve never been formally diagnosed by a doctor, I mean I asked my doctor once or twice to se a psychiatrist but my parents didn’t really like that so I didn’t really have a formal diagnosis.

I think it [start of depression] was sort of a gradual process, it was, I mean going through school and everything I went through in there, like you know going from all the top classes to the bottom, and like I said the bullying, and I mean even like by my friends you know? Occasionally being bullied and that. All the side effects of the tablets, you know, like the acne and the shaking and the boils and the, you know everything, I got bullied for all that and, it all affects, all affected and like, what’s the word? All affected my
Self confidence?

Yeah, confidence yeah. It all affected my self confidence. It was just gradual through school and through college as well. You know up until that point when I, with my friend you know, done that to me and then meeting that girl, and you know it all just kept going wrong. Oh, so I didn’t really live a good life.

I think my first like episodes of feeling low, not actually depression but feeling low, has been since the day I started school because I’ve been bullied since I started school all the way through to High School. And then it gradually got worse as I, every single year it sort of built up to get worse, and then when I was 16, I think they noticed it when I was about 14, 15 or 16, they noticed that something was wrong when I was going to the paediatrician.

So I was sent to a psychiatrist because I had behavioural problems anyway, so I had to see a psychiatrist. And he diagnosed me with ADHD, and then gradually, along with the ADHD became the depression, and then, like I said earlier depression, you can’t see it, you don’t always believe it. ‘Cos I didn’t have a clue what depression was until I was diagnosed with it. I sort of had you know sort of knew, but I wasn’t 100% sure if I was until they diagnosed me. And I think that’s when I went downhill.

It’s sort of you feel like you’re not fitting in and everything’s sort of seems like it’s bombarding you and you feel quite like claustrophobic and like everything, everything you seem to do seems to either go wrong or you just, and then like I used to like cry a lot, and be frustrated and stressed and I used to think well what’s actually happening and why, why do I feel so upset all the time, and, and then it’s like, it’s quite scary in some ways because you think well, why have I got these thoughts in my mind? And why are they telling me these things?

And like I’d cry all the time and my parents were like, What’s up with you again? And I’m like, I don’t know. And that’s the thing like, the not knowing the reason, like when you do cry and you think well I don’t have a reason, and everybody asks you, Well you’ve got to have a reason, ‘cos you only cry when you’re upset and you’ve got a reason. And that frustrates you, so then like I ended up trying to control the thoughts by the not eating because I thought well, if I’m not eating then that’s going to get rid of the thoughts because I’ve got something else to concentrate on. Or, I’ll do a bit extra work because if I’m concentrating on work those thoughts aren’t there. That’s the thing, I always tried finding a way to avoid the thoughts, because they were like, they scared you because you didn’t know what was going to happen, and, although they weren’t like some thoughts were like, oh, I really don’t want to live anymore, and then you’d get even like worse things like, Oh how would you commit suicide? or Do different things to get rid of these thoughts, and it’s like, I, and I was at the stage where I was like really, it got to a stage where I was just really down, and just thinking of ways of committing suicide and I was just like this is not right. And I think due to sort of my intelligence I sort of realised well, this isn’t right, and then I think, like the Godsend was my friend ringing my parents saying, Look she’s not eating. And it sort of came about through the not eating rather than the depression.

So it sort of, like that the actual sort of physical side of the depression actually brought about the starting of the treatment rather than, ‘cos sometimes it is difficult to know through emotional ways if you are depressed or ‘cos sometimes you are just having a bad day. And it’s like they said, how do you diagnose depression? I mean so many people could be diagnosed as depressed, but actually is there an extent to which you draw the line and say well actually no, you are normal, or you are depressed.

I don’t know what it was, it was just kind of all of a sudden like, I never knew I had depression at all, I didn’t know what it was, I thought oh you know, I’ve got some kind of like, I don’t know.

Just felt a bit weird in a bit of a trance, almost like, in a bit of a bubble. Do you know what I mean? Just like things didn’t really seem the same, your perspective, the key into your perspective has changed. Your perspective on life has changed which is a bit strange.

So, you know, you’re looking at things and you think this is a bit weird, this is, what’s going on here you know, and it’s really hard to describe that, because it’s obviously very subjective, you know people, people’s experiences are different but,

Absolutely.

I’d look at things and it would almost seemed like you were in some kind of video game, like you know this, the things are super vivid and you’re like, Okay so then you’re in meetings and you’re thinking, What the hell is going on here? This isn’t right. This isrdquo; you know you’d feel a bit strange, people don’t look the same, anyway so I was thinking, Well there’s something wrong with my eyes or something, what’s going on here Cos I didn’t, I literally didn’t know anything about depression work wise.

So I rang up like NHS Direct at work in my lunch hour, thinking what’s going on, you know. And they were like, Drink lots of fluids, you know, make sure you do this and have you had a heart attack in the last five weeks, have you whateve And I was just like, This is useless So, clearly useless, they haven’t got a clue what’s going on.

Where to start? Okay, started feeling like general depression and stuff when I was about 10, getting bullied in school. My Mum had depression as well which had like a big impact on all the kids, like me and my sister, we were young carers for my Mum. So basically any issues I had weren’t dealt with. I had to deal with them myself, or my sister had to help me deal with them. Yeah, went into secondary school, got bullied quite a bit. Ended up being taken out of school because of it. So I was more of a full time carer for my Mum at that point. Because I was out of school. Started sort of not necessarily like self harming, started doing solvents and stuff, round the end of my garden and like inhaling like aerosols and stuff like that. Tried to, I took an overdose didn’t do anything. Didn’t take that many tablets but you know, and then yeah, from like the point of like 11 on, up until I was about 14 I just basically got on with my day when I was feeling depressed and stuff, like looking after my Mum and stuff didn’t quite realise how much it was affecting me because I just sort of put it to the back of my head.

And then when I was about 14 started hearing voices which scared the hell out of me. And started like seeing things, the imaginary friends, and at that point like I basically sat in my Mum’s room with her and basically told her everything about like what had happened in my life and what she’d missed out on, and you know the fact that she hadn’t picked up on the fact that I was depressed. I knew that had had like a big impact on me, I’d not told her about like the solvents and stuff because I didn’t want to upset her too much.

I can’t remember about three or fours years ago, me and my Mum have never got on. Never really had a good relationship. And then when I were getting older, I was getting kicked out of school, getting into trouble with the police. Everything, you name it, I’ve done it, been there done that. Drinking, drugs, everything, just, and then in the end and my Mum kicked me out. She used to kick me out quite often. I used to go to my step Mum’s or a friend’s. And I just through I’ll go back. So I ended up going back to my Mum’s house, and then it’d all start again. We’d have the arguments, I’d get kicked out. And then in the end I just thought I can’t be doing with this anymore, it’s making me ill. Can’t keep going back, going through it, the arguments, I just can’t be doing with it.

So because, I went to the [service], I explained my situation, said I can’t be doing with it any more it’s making me mad, so, do you know what I mean? They referred me to [name] Hotel in [place name] which is right, just a hostel for homeless people.