Rachel

Rachel has suffered from depression since she was a child although she didn’t seek help until she was around 20. She has been prescribed numerous antidepressants over the years but has found it difficult to cope with side effects and says that antidepressants take away her motivation and vitality.

Rachel had a difficult childhood. Looking back she realises that her depression started when she was very young. She self-harmed in secret for some time and took an overdose of aspirin when she was 11 although she managed to hide it from her parents by pretending she had food poisoning. As an adolescent her parents took her to see the GP because she was very quiet and introverted, and she was given a variety of medicines and vitamins to take. This was in the 1970’s and attitudes and knowledge about mental health were very different from the way things are today. Her problems worsened when she was a teenager. After one particularly serious episode when she cut herself, her parents took her to see a private doctor because of the shame’…. and she was prescribed what she describes as strong medication…. I can’t remember what it was called; my mother kept it in the safe and doled it out to me. I was told by the doctor, who was horrible, that if I didn’t pull myself together in two weeks he would put me in a mental hospital’. After this she began acting up as a teenager, and moved out of home at 17. Now she looks back and sees her behaviour as a cry for help’ but at that time it wasn’t viewed in that way.

Her first child was born when she was 19, but the relationship with the child’s father did not last, and she became depressed. She was prescribed what she describes as strong medication that made her feel out of control and not herself’.
I don’t like anything that makes it feel like it’s stronger than my head that does that fight thing with it. it is like when they put you under anaesthetic to have an operation that, it’s losing control so I wasn’t, I wasn’t on them for very long.’

She went on to have two more children, and remembers that after each one she felt low and depressed but didn’t seek help, not realising there was help available. The relationship with their father broke down and life became a struggle; she lost her job and wasn’t able to cope. This was the first point at which she went to see the GP for help, and was initially prescribed Seroxat (paroxetine). This antidepressant was of some help to her, as at the time she was barely able to function, bringing up her children had become very difficult; some days she could barely get out of bed. She took Seroxat (paroxetine) for around 18 months, and also had therapy. After around 3 months she began to feel an improvement in mood, and after about a year life started to feel more manageable. She stayed on the antidepressant despite side effects rapid weight gain, and a feeling that she wasn’t able to be her true self’. On it she said she felt she had lost her sense of motivation and creativity and was just functioning. After a year or so she felt herself slipping back to depression again, and that the antidepressant was losing its effectiveness.

Over the years Rachel has been prescribed several different antidepressants including citalopram, doxepin, venlafaxine, fluoxetine, and has also taken diazepam for anxiety. She has sometimes stopped taking them of her own accord because of side effects.
They’ve all given me side effects and in some places more or less of fairly similar ones. which are putting on weight, losing appetite and sleep disturbance terribly‚. It’s very hard to separate what belongs in the fact that, you know, you’re suffering from or recovering from a severe episode of depression and what is the, what is the medication.’

There have been a few times when Rachel has felt like giving up and contemplated taking her own life, but having children has kept her going and she says suicidal thoughts are about wanting the bad feelings to stop. She recently had a particularly bad episode which culminated in her being referred to the local mental health crisis team for a few weeks. Over the years she has seen a variety of health professionals including CPN’s, GP’s, psychiatrists and psychologists. Some of the strategies and help she has received have been helpful, but at times she has found it frustrating and difficult because she has felt patronised and disempowered. The mental health team she is currently under have a whole team approach so you see the CPN and the psychiatrist and I asked to see a psychologist because I’d been reading stuff and it’s slowly getting accepted that medication isn’t the be all and end all and that people can be greatly helped with psychological therapies.

Rachel is currently taking Prozac (fluoxetine) even though she doesn’t like how antidepressants make her feel. I feel like the version of me’ on medication isn’t the me’ I want to be …. I’m a creative person, I make art and write poetry…. They lift you off the bottom where you’re suicidal, but they shave so much of the motivation and limit how much joy you can experience in your life. You’re making it through the day, but you’re not expressing yourself.’

Rachel has been referred to the community mental health team several times…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel explains how difficult it is to know how much the…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel has tried herbal remedies when she has been in…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel has very mixed feelings about using an antidepressant

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel felt the psychiatrist was too focused on diagnosis and…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel described the patient information leaflet as frightening…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11

Rachel has mixed feelings about taking the various different…

Age at interview 51

Gender Female

Age at diagnosis 11