Are you alright speaking a little bit more about when Veronica came home, and you said the first month there wasn’t any care?

None at all. Doctor, nothing.

So, can you talk about where you went to seek support and what that looks like?

Well, we were told that the doctor would be contacting us from when she returned home from hospital, but somehow, something… They’d keep an eye on her and all the necessary letters were sent from the hospital to the surgery. And it wasn’t until… Important to me was the physio. She needed to keep that sustained. That needed to continue because, you know, she needed professional support for that. I’m not very good at that sort of thing. I could get up and walk anywhere, but she needed the proper exercises. And after about four weeks, I was getting a bit frustrated that no one had turned up. So, we were given these phone numbers to call in the lists that came home. So, after four weeks, I rang the GP surgery and said that, you know, Veronica’s been home, and no one’s come and seen her or checked her medication.

You know, because she was on so much medication when she came home. Do we need to continue with this after a month? We made the call, I made the phone call and then the doctor rang back and said, oh, yes, I’ve got all the notes in front of me, we are aware of her. I thought, well, that’s encouraging. He said, I’ll send a district nurse out or a nurse from the… No, it was a nurse from the surgery, sorry. And a nurse came out, spent an hour with Veronica, discussed everything and we went through everything, but never happened again. Nothing. Nothing at all. And then of course the physio… I rang up the number that I was given for the physio and got no reply for a week. I had to leave a message on an answer phone. Got no reply and I rang back. They said, oh, messages got deleted. I said, well, you know, my wife’s been at home for a month now, she’s receiving no physical support from a physio or anything.

Oh, right. we’ll look into that then. Then the district nurse came out and assessed her. It was at that time she was issued with some equipment to help us around the home from OT. And then you’re on the list to have a visit from physio, and that occurred about another two weeks later. So, we were about six weeks in before we got any real support, really. But then, you know, I’m a determined so and so and I did what I could for her, you know.

How were you feeling about that at the time?

I was frustrated, yes, and angry. Very. I was angry. I was frustrated and angry for her because she was just forgotten about. She was four months out of intensive care and the GP couldn’t even call, couldn’t even make a phone call. And I find that disappointing to put it mildly. Very disappointed. And I felt disappointed that the communication between her leaving the hospital physio department and being put onto whatever you call it on the outside, there’s no cohesion there. You know, it should have automatically been passed on and carried on. Not just, oh, forgotten about. We are aware of you. Well, I don’t know.

I’m trying to protect her. We’ll see. Now we’ve got the dilemma of Christmas now. Last year was a disaster obviously. Well, it was for everybody. Nobody could see anybody. We’re back here again with Omicron threatening. We’ve agreed that some children can come on Boxing Day, but they all must be tested before they come. I don’t know what else you can do, really, but I will still be under threat. I should feel vulnerable, you know, and I don’t like being vulnerable. It’s not me. So, I just feel… I think in many ways I worry that because I’m so protective of her and the way I put things across to people comes a little bit stronger than people are used to. You know, they used to, I’ll accept anything, you know, what is, what is, but now I’m a little bit more forceful and I don’t like it. I don’t like being like it. I think everybody should be free to make their own opinions and do what they want, you know, but I’m having to make rules and I don’t like it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I honestly don’t. Anyway, we are where we are today. Whether I… I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it because in my mind, there’s the thought that I might have to go through all that again, and I don’t want to, and I don’t think I will allow myself. That’s how I feel.

And would you say it’s affected your relationship to your wife?

Yes. Things are not the same. We still love each other intensely. There’s no denying that, but there’s a big barrier there and it’s Covid. I have to say it is. We’re both scared. We’re both scared. There’s no doubt about it. You know, you can’t… You can say man up and grow a pair or whatever you want to say, but I’m afraid most people who say that haven’t been visited by those feelings yet or that experience. They haven’t had it, you know.

And what does it mean practically when you’re both scared?

Well, you don’t feel free, you know, to express or do things that you would normally do or go places you would… Everything’s got a padlock on it, and you’ve got to unpick it before you go.

And after about, I suppose, four months, she needed less of my support and, you know, I had a goal in my mind to give her, her independence as quickly as possible and, you know, I wanted her to do whatever she wanted to do for herself, but then it left a void for me. Because suddenly after all these months of intense worrying about whether she was going to live or die and then months of intense care of looking after her, and then suddenly she was able to do things for herself. And that left a void in my mind, and I became very depressed, you know. It was like all the air going out of a balloon, I guess, you could say. And of course, I’d given up work, I decided to retire early. You know, it wasn’t the right time, but I decided to because financially we lost so much the previous year, it was very difficult. We lost everything and I couldn’t get any support because I was a limited company. So, there was no furlough or anything. But anyway. But I was very depressed for about six to eight weeks.

I didn’t speak to the doctor or anything, but I found it very difficult within myself now that I suddenly had some time to myself. I was lost. And then I became angry and frustrated with people because I felt that we got through this Covid and, you know, we survived it, but I felt that people around us were becoming lackadaisical with it all again and not focusing on the problem of the ill-; Because in my mind, I knew it would never go away because I knew… Because it’s a virus, it’s always going to mutate. I know that much, you know, and it would always be a threat for years to come until medication can deal with it, you know, like we do the flu now.

And I just get… I was getting angry with my children the grandchildren and they were just sort of… It’s like nothing had happened, you know. I always felt people were behaving as nothing had happened, you know, and I couldn’t cope with it. I couldn’t cope with it because I’d put so much in to, you know, trying to get Veronica back and other people were getting on with their lives and I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

You know, it was really, really hard. And I still feel like it today quite a lot. It’s intense inside me. I worry about it every day and I see people out on the streets and in shops and no one’s got a mask on, or no one puts any gel on their hands when they enter a premises or anything and I just feel so angry, you know. I don’t want to feel like that because I’m not an angry person. My strength is for being so placid and calm, you know, but this has changed me completely.

It’s only natural they developed an emotional bond with her because of the intensive care that she was getting, and they were all willing her through. One of them came to tea and we had a good, lovely morning and had a giggle and a laugh and a smile. We’ve met others since as well, you know. Meetings at the hospital and everything. It’s good to see them. It’s good to thank them. Good to know that they’re all right and they haven’t contracted Covid or anything like… you know, it’s just so wonderful. And that side of it was… that’s good. That’s helped my recovery in many ways, is meeting the nurses just rather than a videocall. You learnt about them and they’re another human being with another story to tell. So, it does worry me slightly though when you see them and you realise what a bond they had developed because they have to do that on a professional basis day-in, day-out and experience the losses as well as the gains. Must be really, really hard to do.

And if anybody deserves counselling, they do. That’s for sure, you know. But it was nice to meet them. It was lovely.

Did you ever call the hospital?

No. No, because. I don't like imposing on people you're professional, very busy people and I wouldn't want to do your job for all the tea in China. And I had no right to. If there was ever a day, there was there was one day we didn't get a phone call. I didn't get a phone call and I was worried to desperation about it. So, the daughters kept saying, have you had the phone call? Have you had the phone call yet? And I said no in the end they rang up for me 'cause I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. It was too hard. I don't like interfering with people you know if you're busy. I was always told if you want something done, ask someone who's busy. That's very, very true. But professional people that are busy like yourselves and your profession. I don't think I have a right. I don't feel I have a right to impose myself upon you. There might be a day when they need you or meal. But if I've just got a question, I find that imposing. Yes.

But I'm like that with everybody. If I want something done, I'll do it myself, but I won't ask anybody.