And I did become very aware that for some people it was, you know, such an absolutely critical part of their lives to have children that you know life without children just didn’t seem a possibility and the rest of their lives were on hold and they were putting each other under tremendous pressure and you know, that is why I wanted to talk to you, because I think it is quite important to put the side of people who have come through infertility and for whom it is a sort of distant, vaguely, vaguely uncomfortable memory but, you know, very much just a memory, that you know, I don’t feel as though, you know, it hasn’t had a negative impact on the rest of our life. If anything I think, obviously we have had much more time for each other, you know, probably we have got a happier, happier marriage or less stressful marriage. We probably would be still be married if we had children, but probably just feel we had less time for each other. And you know, we have been lucky in so many respects and I realise we are not typical because we were both contributing to the problem, so there wasn’t a sense of one member of the, one partner feeling that, he or she was to blame and feeling terribly guilty about it. For us it was just, well just one of those things. At least we weren’t making two other people have stressful times [laughs].
And, then my husband doesn’t have any nieces or nephews, I have now got, we have got six nieces and a nephew and we have both got a lot of God children and we just get tremendous pleasure now. I mean, to be honest, I am not that interested in babies, but I love the children as they get older and seeing them develop, and you know, I feel I will get every bit as much pleasure and perhaps less of the pain of see them then grow up and be friends as they become adults.
I saw, you know, I would say that that seems to me, I don’t know what I am missing but I don’t feel that I am missing things. It is not sort of you know, an ongoing ache. It is an occasional twinge. But, you know, being involved with children’s lives is tremendously important and worthwhile. It is nice to be able to do it, but you don’t have to be a parent to have a huge part of, amount of pleasure from it.
I just felt that perhaps, it is easy for me to say this, because I can see all the reasons why it was it was an easier decision for us, than for other people, but I still think that the message is, you know, look at your life as a whole, not as, you know, it is empty without children. You know, children obviously are fabulous. They are a wonderful part of people’s lives but they are also a huge amount of, you know, stress as well. And there are, you know, other means of fulfilment that I think are equally important.
No I had always imagined having children. But in a way I think that reflected my lack of imagination [laughs] and ambition, you know I really wasn’t very ambitious. I thought, you know, I thought I would like to have children and I thought my Mother had done a very good job, and, you know, she seemed to be fulfilled having children and yes, I came from a happy and stable family. So it seemed like the obvious thing to do. So I suppose that when I, because I realised after, I also thought well it is not as if it was so much a choice, it was, just, you know, what I thought I would do.
And, once we stopped trying to have children and my husband encouraged me to go back to work and you know, I seemed a bit, I was lacking in confidence at that time, but once I got back to work, I just felt so much, you know, I got into it and I realised that probably I was much better off working than I would have been, because I, you know, I hadn’t intended to try and juggle work and children. Because I just think people who do that have a lot more energy than I do. And so I was going to be a full time Mum, especially if I struggled to have them. But I think I am a more fulfilled and probably a happier person perhaps from what happened. So I suppose I am a great believer in fate.
Perhaps working out better than you sometimes think it does. Yes. I am probably a glass half full sort of person because I look for the good points, and that has been a benefit, yes.