And I can’t remember if I actually raised it in the café with [husband] at the time. But pretty soon after that, I think I did. I mean it was very clear that the whole thing was too raw to proceed with at that point, for both of us, particularly, he needed time to think about it. To think whether that was something that we wanted to do.
And I suppose we spent the next nine months adjusting in our own ways, and I think in very different ways and I think that’s really an important thing for men and women to know that actually this is often what happens, is that men and women address and handle and manage all the feelings and issues round infertility often in very different ways.
[Husband], is I suppose, like many men, someone who feels things really quite deeply but rarely speaks about his feelings and in many ways doesn’t necessarily have a language for them. Whereas, I’m somebody who wears my emotions very much on the outside and I need to express my feelings and, and talk about them.
So there was a kind of mismatch there. But I don’t remember that being a huge problem for us. I just know that he quietly thought about it all, and I continued to research. And talk to other people. Because I think right from the start for us infertility and the possibility of donor conception was never shameful.
[Husband], gets his sense of who he is, as both a person and a man from other places. I think particularly through his work actually. And he was certainly very clear, that the infertility was just… oh I don’t know, just, you know, just something that had happened to him. It wasn’t his fault. And it certainly didn’t make him feel less of a man in any way.
So it was fine to talk with other people about it, and for me that was certainly a relief to be able to do so. I didn’t in fact tell closest family at that time, just a couple of close friends because we decided this was very… this was personal for us and we didn’t want to be being asked about it all the time, and you know, what we were doing about it.
But we did, once I had found a small private clinic that did donor conception and it’s quite interesting in that I had been somebody who would not have dreamt of going into the realms of private medicine, prior to that time. But the, there was a hospital that did donor conception on the NHS, but they had very long waiting list and I decided that we needed to take some control back here. It felt like control had been taken away from us about having a family. And the way of taking some control back, was by using a private clinic where we could decide when we were ready to have treatment, and they would then have donors available.
So that’s what we did. And in fact, before we’d made the decision to go ahead, we both went to that clinic and we had our photographs taken, which was going to be the way of matching us with a donor.
And we then went away and thought about it a bit longer. In fact, it took, about, about nine months, I mean an interesting kind of gestation period if you like of thinking about it before [husband] decided that that was okay, and that it was all right to go ahead with it.