And then I got a bit annoyed because my husband was still saying, Well, I just don’t understand it, sort of when I’d moved on and that then creates a rift between the two of you because I’m saying to him, Well, why don’t you understand it because I understand it better now? Have you talked to her? Why don’t you talk to her? Shouldn’t you be talking to her? And I think it did create a bit of a barrier in their relationship.

My husband absolutely loves her and he is exactly like a father to her because, weve been together since she was 2. And he feels very frustrated as well that he can’t do anything. But I think he looks at it too simplistically. He often says, you know, Why does she do this? It’s just attention seeking, you know. He d-, he doesn’t mean to sort of belittle her feelings, but he really does think that she just needs a bit of a shake or a bit of a talking-to and, and that would sort her out. And it’s a modern cultural thing that because she likes certain types of music or likes to dress in a certain way that that goes along with it, and it’s just all nonsense that she should get over. Which is divisive that he thinks that, because it makes me feel quite alone in my thinking, you know, because I don’t see it like that. But he is supportive and he tries to talk, he does, he makes a big effort to try and talk to her about it. He doesn’t just sort of ignore that it’s going on, but he does see it in a very simplistic sort of way.

And how about your husband? How did he react?

A whole variety of emotions, as you would expect. Initially, completely and utterly shocked. Totally, I mean literal shock. The cutting made him very sad because, obviously, it was leaving scars and to him, it was his beautiful girl. The overdose made him incredibly, incredibly desperate that she should feel that desperate. Anger, definite, definite periods of anger, as weve all felt I think. Probably me less so. I think I’ve felt the least, in fact, I don’t think I’ve really felt angry, if I’m honest. I don’t think I’ve felt angry. He has felt periods of extreme anger on how it’s affected our lives but, then again, this is all wrapped up with the eating disorder, which actually in practical terms, affected our life much more because on a day to day basis an eating disorder affects your life tremendously. Self-harm probably less so. I think he feels incredibly protective of her now.

To his relationship with her I think. So yeah, and shock that he, he thinks hes produced these three beautiful girls and he can’t understand why they feel so awful, enough to not eat and to harm themselves. And it is hard to understand I think. I think it is hard to understand really, the behaviour.

How did her dad react to her self-harming?

He was angry because men, obviously, they react to things differently. When I say angry, I mean he shouted at her, Oh why the hell are you doing this to yourself? You know, You know we love you, we care for you. Were supporting you whatever you do, you know. Why do you feel the need to want to do that to yourself?

And that, you know, it’s very stressful for the family so then she reacted by saying, Well, I’m stressed too and that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. I need help. It’s is a cry for help. I I’m not happy. I’m sad. So then I had to sort of calm my husband down, said, you have to intervene, and I said, Well, you know, the way you handled it is not the right way. She is stressed. Shes hurting. That’s why shes doing what shes doing. It’s new to us. It’s new to me. Even though I’ve worked in it but it’s different when it’s home, when it’s applied to your family and I said to him, Just learn from me. Observe the way I deal with her and you can learn from that. And that’s how weve handled it. So now if theres a situation, he lets me deal with it and he observes but he will support me.

And does her mum know about the self-harm?

Yes, yes, I’ve, [sighs] I would rather not get her involved but I, I think I have a duty, as a, you know, and you’re quite often forced by the social end of things to let mum see and that, irrelevant of what happens, so I, I have involved her and shes, but it’s sort of half supportive, it’s a rush over, which I understand, and it’s tears, which I sort of understand but I’ve hidden mine, you know. I’ve had a cry in a car park somewhere, and I’ve had a cry in the van and I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I haven’t cried in front of [my daughter] because she always blames herself badly and says, I don’t want to worry you. I’ve said it again, sorry. I don’t want to worry you, daddy.

But we had, we had a rushed over visit, lots of tears, which were really unhelpful, and it, I’d had, I mean that might be odd and it might be a man thing but it was just really unhelpful. It didn’t, if, it wasn’t for [my daughter], oh sorry, it wasn’t for my daughter and it didn’t do her any good but it made mum feel better, I’m guessing. And then we were very involved for a few days and then missing again, not missing, but then that weekend they weren’t due to see her and we didn’t see her or hear from her and I personally, would have been a little bit more hands on and that, that’s it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It’s all or nothing and it’s patchy when it when it, you know, and then it’s nothing for months and I’d rather not manage that any more but I’m not allowed. If that makes sense. I think they’d be better off not seeing her because it’s like a mourning cycle.

She comes back in, promises them the world, delivers nothing and then disappears so they mourn and then she comes back in and I would like it to stop but, at the minute, I’ve got other things on my mind but nobody will ever turn around and say, it’s very difficult to turn round and say, It’s actually destructive seeing your own parent. When I think it can be, without a shadow of a doubt, it can be.

We told her older brother, who’s actually living here. Hes twenty six. He was he was very concerned and there was this, you know, this moment where he went to have a little chat with her and, normally, hes very, he just, basically, takes the mick out of her and normal like annoying older brother who just has a laugh with her. And he just went up to sort of basically say, Look, [sister name]. I’m here for you if you need me. I love you very much and no matter how much of this banter we have between us, you know, I’m here for you. And he came down, after talking to her in her bedroom, I don’t know how long I can keep this sort of thing up. I need to go back to being the annoying brother. And she came down after that and she said, I hope hes not going to be like this this all the time because it’s just a bit weird. [Laughs]. So they both decided to, you know, just go back to their normal relationship and it’s all cool and

I told her eldest brother who’s actually a GP. Hes quite, hes very close to her, even though they, you know, they live quite a long way apart, but he will phone her and he will talk to her and, obviously, he was one of the first people I phoned when I when I realised. And he said he said, Okay. Just bear in mind, when you do go and see your GP, that not all of them are tremendously sympathetic or understanding or. So if you if you don’t get any joy from this GP then come back and talk to me and well, you know, think of another route and… But luckily, the GP was very, very good and very understanding and, you know, got us there straight away but yeah, so he was, hes a bit more, I suppose worldly wise than perhaps her other brother was and was able to think, Okay. I do understand something about this condition. And it was more about, you know, realising that she just needs lots of support and he chats to her regularly. Hell phone up and come and visit and just being, you know, a great, great brother.

How have the other children reacted?

The youngest is sort of not really said or done anything about it. She wasn’t affected in the same sort of way. The older one of the two younger ones has been quite angry. It’s like, you know, Why have you done it? You’re not. You know, she can’t see a good reason for it and she just saw it as, you know, You’ve made life difficult for mum and the rest of us. Why? You know, and to her it seemed a very, very selfish thing to do and, you know, we can all understand that perspective and so shes quite angry about it, won’t talk about it, well, hasn’t really talked about it very much since. I mean I’ve tried to say, Well, sometimes when people get down, that’s what they do. They’re not trying to be selfish but, you know, and were going to go and see somebody to see if we can get her some help so that it doesn’t happen again and, you know, well maybe resolve some of her issues.

But I mean they didn’t have the best relationship beforehand so, you know, the eldest, you know, as I said, she is academically weak. She has difficulties with things. The younger ones both are academically very able and so theres all sorts of issues that go on between them and the usual sibling rivalry of bickering and loveliness.

I would say the most difficult are my family. They’re very judgmental of her and she knows that. My mum is trying really hard. My mum is seventy three and, you know, she is trying very hard but she still comes out with things, you know, my family used to say things to me like, Give her to me for a week, I’ll sort her out. And [laughs] you can’t imagine what that feels like a) As a mother, they’re saying, you’re doing, you know, and b) my most beautiful child has got these difficulties. They are, they say they’ll fix her and ah, the amount of times that people have said it and also, the other things that they’ve said to her is, You’re making your mother ill. Shell be back in hospital if you don’t stop.

And that was very difficult and my husband’s, my husband’s a lovely man and his family are very lovely too but they don’t talk, so all the stuff that goes on in the family, you kind of find out third hand via somebody else in the family telling you, you know, Because we don’t talk about those sorts of things. Which has made my daughter’s situation, actually, quite hard because I suspect that there, over the years, might have been some judgements made about things because people didn’t have the full, the full information.

But I’ve been able to overcome that, as my as my daughter has got better, shes been able to engage with people about her illness and about her behaviours from her perspective and shes been able to say things like, Mum did x and actually it was very helpful. Because one of, one of my in-laws, one of my sisters-law, was quite judgemental a few years ago, when things had been very difficult and my husband had said to his oldest sister, so the maternal one in the family, the matriarch I suppose, because they’re quite a big family, and she been a bit, Well, do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to do. She was quite judgemental about how wed chosen to deal with my daughter about it because it had been very much a case of, Sort yourself out or, you know, you need to leave because we can’t live like this anymore.

And she was quite judgemental about it and I’d tried to explain and my husband had tried to explain and she was still a bit sniffy and then wed had a bit of a family get-together a few weeks later and I’d mentioned to my daughter and she said, Don’t worry, mum. I’ll put her right. And she sat down with her and she said, You know. And my so my sister-law says to [my daughter], Oh, you know, sorry, to my daughter, Oh how have things been? And my daughter goes, Well, blah-dy blah-dy blah and Mum did this and so and so, my husband did that, and, actually, I know it seems like a bit harsh but it really was the right thing to do.

And she, so the in-laws have been, the in-laws have been much better about it since then but it is quite hard I think if people aren’t open about it to help dispel some of the myths about it and, where you’ve not had, and his family have had very little experience of, you know, mental health issues and behaviours like that and I think where you haven’t had much experience of those kinds of things, if you don’t talk about it, it’s very easy to make judgements.

And how do your friends react?

It depends. If it’s someone that knows, like knows what it’s like, they’re fully supportive, you know. They’re there one hundred per cent. They’re battering the door down to offer support and help and advice and all rally round. And if it’s someone who doesn’t have a clue, well what I mean is, they know obviously, that my husband is doing what hes, well, has done what hes done in the past but if they don’t have a clue in the sense of they’ve never lived through it, they’ve not seen anyone with it, they’ve they don’t even, they’ve not even researched it in the slightest, it can be so frustrating and so hurtful because all they want to do is shout at him and tell him, How dare you do that, how dare you do that to your children, how dare you do that to your wife, how dare you? You know, I cannae believe you’ve been so bloody stupid, and blah blah blah.

And it’s frustrating for me because I think to myself, why are you doing that? When you can already see that hes suffering, why would you purposely come in and want to make him suffer more? He already he already is suffering. But they don’t fully understand, you know. They just think, Ah, I can’t believe hes been so stupid. How dare he? And because they’ve not properly dealt with anyone with mental health issues with self-harming tendencies, they don’t have a clue. They really don’t and it’s hard because you can stand there until you’re blue in the face and tell them, Don’t do that. Don’t speak to him like that. And then you’ll get accused, Oh, you cannae babysit him, you know. Hes old enough and big enough and ugly enough to look after himself. And then it just opens a whole can of worms [laughs] and it’s just like what should be a an intimate sort of an intimate array of friends coming together, turns into almighty war near enough sometimes.

Have you lost friends through those reactions?

We have. We have but, luckily enough, luckily enough, we weve got them back. They they’ve realised the errors of their ways it was it was very difficult because then you do get, you yourself get the whole guilt of, should I have let that happen? Should I have let it get that far? Should I have let my husband see that? Should have I put that on him?

And then he feels guilty because hes like, I shouldn’t have let Audrey go through that. I shouldn’t have let you know, my wifes lost one of her best pals because of me and my stupidity and my own beliefs and my feelings and my fears and my hurts and my head type of thing and it’s, you know, it’s a vicious circle. It is a vicious circle and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place but, ultimately, at the end of the day, you have to make a decision what’s more important? Your family, who needs you there and then, or your friends and it’s an easy choice for me. My family is always going to come first, always, doesnae matter, I wouldnae care who you are. You know, I’d fight the devil himself for my family. So if I lose friends over it, then I lose friends over it, you know, that’s just one of these things

Because, you know, who can I talk to about it because that’s a difficult one because you don’t want to share some of the issues because you want to make sure you only share with somebody, who’s not going to share it with all and sundry, because it’s quite personal. I wouldn’t want to sort of what do I say, break my daughter’s confidence, you know, because, you know, and you also have to judge somebody as to how they’re going to react to somebody having a mental health issue. Because some people are like, well, you know, I’ve heard somebody talk about, you know, suicide is a very selfish thing. Well, yeah, on the one hand it is a very selfish thing but to just sweepingly say, you know, People only commit suicide if they’re being selfish. Is something quite, you know, in my opinion, very wrong. Theres huge amounts more issues to do with it and, you know, to say that to quite a large crowd of young people, I was horrified when I heard somebody saying that. So it’s not necessarily, you know, it it’s a very difficult thing to decide who you share it with and who you don’t because you have to know somebody quite well to share it with them. As a parent you want sympathy as to like, Oh my god, I can’t cope with this. And you do, I mean I’ve spent quite a lot of time over those few days crying [sniffs] thinking [sniffs] thinking, What have I done wrong? And really it is quite surprising the reaction from some people. Other people you think oh my god, you know, they’ve reacted exactly how I would have hoped and what have you. And some people I’ve had to tell because, you know, as I said, we were aiming to go away at the New Year and I said, Would it be okay for her to come? And I felt I should give them a reason why and I explained and it, they were brilliant and they were really supportive of me and her, actually, when she came, came with me, you know, to visit them and that was fantastic.

But, you know, I as a parent am reluctant to sort of say too much to many people because you are, you are concerned about what people are going to say to you. Blame you, Well, you’ve obviously failed them as a parent. And you do feel that and it’s horrid. Excuse me. But, you know, I know really it’s not my fault and I know I haven’t done anything wrong as such, you know. We all make mistakes and so yeah, I’m sure I’ve made mistakes but, you know, at the end of the day if you find somebody who hasn’t, you know, I’ll be damned impressed.