Talking to family and friends after losing a baby

Parents often described how the loss of their baby had a major impact on their relationships, with family and friends as well as with their partner.
Parents talked about how the loss affected their family and friends. Losing the baby had a wide impact. Many described feeling strongly supported, Emily remembered, ‘lots of kindness it renews your faith in human beings sometimes.’

Joelle and Adam described the support of some amazing friends.

However many parents felt that while friends and family wanted to offer support they didn’t always know how to do it, and that ‘no one knows what to say to you’. Some parents felt that family and friends didn’t talk about the loss because they were embarrassed or thought it would upset them. But the lack of talking was upsetting in itself. Vikki felt ‘they don’t want to offend you or upset you. But actually by not doing anything, that is offending and upsetting me’.

Kirsty strongly felt she often didn’st speak in full detail about her loss because she didn’st want to upset friends and family.

Some found that family and friends didn’t engage with them in the way they expected. Kirsty ‘wasn’t prepared for how little people would speak’. Emily’s feelings were hurt when friends didn’t want to see the photos of her baby, as they were very meaningful to her. Some parents felt that friends and family thought they were ‘making a massive deal out of this’ and wanted them to ‘move on’ more quickly. Mike felt that ‘Everyone’s so sorry for you, when they hear about it. But then everyone’s forgotten about it, in a way’.

Lindsay felt no-one knew what to say to her.

Age at interview 35

Gender Female

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When he went back to work David was angered by someone asking if Are you over it yet?

Isolation

For some parents the lack of helpful support led to a feeling of isolation from friends and family because ‘they just didn’t get it’. They talked about losing a wide circle of friends and close contact with family. Vikki felt the impact of not just losing her baby but also losing her friends as ‘you really see who is there for you and who isn’t’.

Courtney felt she lost so many friends because they didn’st know what to say to her.

Age at interview 30

Gender Female

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Parents often felt this lack of helpful support was because most people had no experience or knowledge of baby loss, particularly this early in pregnancy. Kelly wrote to her work colleagues and talked to friends and family about how she felt and how she wanted to talk about her baby. She felt increasing their knowledge helped improve her relationships with them. Parents often felt they experienced more support from friends and family who had personally experienced the loss of a baby, or they sought support from and friendship with people they met through baby loss support groups. After the loss of their baby, parents were often told stories by friends and family of baby loss that they weren’t previously aware of.

Michelle and Iain found many people sought them out to talk about their own loss.

Helen found the only people who really understood her grief were those who had also experienced loss.

Age at interview 43

Gender Female

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Parents often found it extremely difficult when close friends and family were pregnant or had small children. It was particularly hard for parents who were expecting their baby at the same time as their sister or brother or a close family friend. Sarah felt the loss of her son and her nephew growing up together as cousins. Some parents found friends and family were too scared to tell them they were pregnant and avoided talking about it. Some parents tried to ‘learn to celebrate with people, at the same time as feeling loss’ by meeting up or talking to close friends and family with babies. Sharon found it hard because her sister-law had children at the same time that Sharon’s experienced the loss of her three babies, and so her husband’s mum ‘got the grandchildren that she wanted, and my babies were just, just seemed insignificant’.

Carly really appreciated it when people were sensitive about telling her they were pregnant.

Age at interview 30

Gender Female

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Liz asked her close friend to bring her new born baby to visit her to help her try and get used to being around other babies.

Age at interview 40

Gender Female

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Parents we spoke to also talked about the impact of their loss on their relationship with their parents, as they were missing out on being grandparents to their child. Elaine and Emily both felt they were letting down their parents-law because they couldn’t provide them with a grandchild.