I do think that there’s a tendency for depression in my family but at the same time, I don’t think like, that’s enough just to get it. Like I feel like that there’s a lot more going on that just that your family has it, like you might be hardwired where you’re susceptible to it but unless like, the conditions kind of arise or you know, like me, you just let the conditions arise. Then I, yeah, I don’t really see that happening. Like I don’t feel like I would have a kid or be worried about having a kid that just like, you know, for no reasons is like, depressed. Because I mean, I don’t know. Even for people with like really hardcore depression, I feel like there’s like a reason for it and I didn’t believe that at first because like, when I was doing mild amounts of like depression research like, people were asking why are you depressed. And it’s like, people don’t have reasons for being depressed, you’re just depressed and it’s like really. Like, because if you can get over it, then wouldn’t there be a reason for that, like. And yeah, looking back it’s like ok yeah, I definitely had some reasons. Of course you would be depressed if you didn’t do anything all day for, besides like going to some job you hated, like, and spend the rest of your time like, drinking in your room, like. How else could that have gone.

So personally I think it might be because my mom suffered from it. I think there might be some type of genetic component, or at least, you know, maybe the environment part could be because I’m exposed to a. Maybe that affected her life, that affected you. And then I think, first of all, I think that affects your susceptibility. And then I think it’s more about all those trigger factors. Because I think, at least for me, I think it’s a lot due to a lot of bad things happening together that almost like, break you. I think some things that test your sense of perseverance or sense of resilience, and tolerance and so on, so. I think when a lot of those trigger factors come together and you can’t handle it. I think, so to me, it’s like, it’s a different feeling from being stressed, unhappy. So I think in my impression it’s almost like, you know, you get stretched when you are feeling stress from different trigger points and at some point you just, like, snap. And I think that’s when you, you know, go from, like, just being stressed or unhappy to, like, being depressed, but that’s just my own understanding.

Well, like I said earlier, like even my boyfriend who sees my behavior every day, he still doesn’t understand like, what depression even is. People are, a lot of people are like, oh like you’re sad snap out of it you know, like they don’t understand that depression is a real thing. You know most people, everyone experiences some kind of depression at one point or another, but those people who have like, I wouldn’t say chronic, but depression may feel for many years or you know uncontrollably you know like for me like definitely a chemical imbalance. You know, you know it’s different it’s different than like bereavement, experiencing death in your family different than like you know feeling sad because your boyfriend broke up with you or something like that. Like, it’s that but like, twenty times worse.

I have always assumed possibly because it’s feels better as an explanation for me but also possibly because it’s probably true, that it’s like genetic and like naturally occurring, because I think it just doesn’t —for me at least it doesn’t make sense the way I some—the way that when I’m feeling depressed that I like react to I think depression doesn’t make sense as a reaction to my external circumstances, because I’m generally pretty lucky nothing terrible has happened to me.

We didn’t know, we didn’t know that he was, that his side of the family was prone to cancer and depression until he was on his deathbed, so.

Oh, so there was depression in his family then?

Yeah, we, we just had no idea.

But not him.

Yeah.

He wasn’t depressed, or was he?

He was, yeah. Mmm-hmm. After the back surgery, I noticed he — it was kind of just even less going out. It, even less just, you know, doing things that made him happy. It was more so just taking care of the family and just pushing forward and always, you know, always greeting us with a smile and always saying, well, why is it the people are giving in to what they, you know, what they feeling on the inside? Why, why can’t you just smile and be happy, you know?

Well, like I said, he was, he was really good at just, just putting on a happy face and as I got older, I noticed it was even less, you know, even less going out than he already was. It was just, it turned more so to just taking care of the family and, you know, hiding whatever, whatever pain he was going through, physical, emotional, things like that. So I mean, like I said earlier, we had no idea that cancer and depression ran on his side of the family until he was on his deathbed. So, yeah, it’s just sad and a shock to find out all around.

You know there, there wasn’t very much hugging or often saying, I love you, which you would think a mother would. And to me I was the second child. It seemed like it happened more to me. I don’t know if that was just my perception of it, but that’s just how it’s always been, my mother never really said, I love you, Which caused a huge impact on me because that was, that was harsh being a young kid not, not hearing a parent say I love you or hug you or. It was just that I lived in that house. And you know I, probably when I was 2 my mother and father got divorced so I would see my father on weekends and then the rest of the week I would be with my mother so

that would definitely have to be it, definitely stem from my father and my mother . My mother being neglectful and my father no matter what I did, it was, it was not good enough, it was wrong.

I don’t like all of the technological advances that we’ve made, that we have, I think it contributes to a lot of the problems that we as a society we have. Eating disorders and depression and all of the advances we have just bring on a whole new set of problems that we don’t know how to fix. I mean suicide rates have gone up so much because and if you look at it, it correlates with the advancement of technology and the lessening of respect in children and the lessening of face to face personal communication. It’s all done over text or email or video chat or you know Facebook, there is no face. So many people don’t know how to have a conversation, sit down face to face without sitting there with their phone scrolling through or you know watching TV or anything like that and it’s. I think that’s the main cause of the majority of our issues nowadays, mental illnesses included. I’m not saying that it isn’t or wasn’t a problem back then just saying that it’s gotten greater as time goes on. And it’s so hard now because you have people glorifying depression and glorifying self-harm and eating disorders and it’s like why, why would you choose to live like this, it’s appalling.

But as a young adult at least now, in this day and age the world is getting more competitive, life goes at a faster pace, I mean unfortunately we live in a society where people tend to be really in a hurry to do things. So you know often times it’s like you know, you really shouldn’t be taking a break right now because you could be spending your time doing this, you could be so much more effective. But how you know, if we switch back 100, 200 years earlier, life was a little bit slower and people took their time with things and you know. So advice that I’d give to people to fall as much as you can is, take yourself outside of this day and age and imagine that you have all the time in the world and just follow your own personal clock. Because time is a really great resource in dealing with depression, it’s a difficult one because often time it forces us to you know lose time.