I think I had to work twice as hard to do half as much I guess is one way of putting it. My mood was, was not bad. You know I’d, I probably fluctuated I guess say 40 to 70 per cent. I felt like I could never hit the bell. You know those carnival things with the hammer. You hit them, the thing goes up and dings the bell. To me that was like the ultimate happiness. That was bliss. And no matter how hard I whacked that thing I could never get the, never get it to go up quite as high as I once did. Now every now and again I can hit it, not consistently but that’s all right, that’s life.

Some friends had been, you know, I’d trusted and no one’s ever let me down. No one. even in the police and a couple of senior people. You know when I went for the detective sergeant’s job, you know, I said to myself I’m going to tell this boss if you take me this is what you take. You know you bring my skills and knowledge, yes, but you also bring me. And his response to that – I didn’t know this guy from a bar of soap. He knew what I had done and achieved in the past.

And he said Paul, he said, I’ll help you deal with all that, can you do the job? I said yeah absolutely. He said no worries, he said put in, I want your application. And I got the job. and so yeah, you know, I’ve been very humbled and inspired by what I thought – the biggest fear of course, going back to the gun safe, was being judged by coppers and being run out of the job for being a dud or a failure or weak. Never, you know, certainly not that I’m aware of and nothing that, you know, it’s ah the rumour mill and the gossip, you know, flows thick and fast. Never heard a thing [got] back to me and, and very happy with that.

I, you know, I remember having bouts of depression while I was working, and, you know, saying to my boss I just need time out. Take the time out. Do what you have to do. Again, I think I’m very lucky. I think I’m very lucky because I know that’s not the norm, you know.

I heard of a story recently of someone who told her, her employer and they took it pretty badly. Oh, yeah, I talk about myself being blessed because of the people in my life that have sort of said well, Ruth, you know, we just want you to be happy. That’s what life’s all about, and if you – you know, so when I told my friends, when I told my family, when I told my employer, they were supportive because they wanted me, they wanted me to get better . You know?

Oh went down, it went down the hole. They actually finished up, they asked me to leave and you can’t blame them. I do not blame them. And the funniest thing about it, that’s the only job I ever wanted to do [laughs]. Yeah, yeah.

But it, it’s, I liked being in the police force. I found that I never had any trouble with drunks and drunks are the worst people to deal with. They really are, they can do anything can set them off. But I used to go and sit and talk to them. And they used to walk back with me to the watch house. didn’t have to grab them, arrest them, nothing. You could lock them up for four hours and they’d sleep it off, go home. Cost them 10 bucks, you know, they. Nobody got hurt.

But there was, to me it was a rewarding job that you could do things and you could talk to people and you could help them. It wasn’t just about grabbing them and putting them in the slammer, it was about. Half the thing was prevention. Not like today. Today’s nothing about prevention, it’s only about reaction. Back then you were a proper copper.

And I left my job, where I was working my, I was told that I’d be two and a half week – I told them I’d be two and a half weeks, because I was optimistic that she would be okay or if the worst case scenario that I would be back by then or whatever. But I was a contract, I was working as a contractor so I was, not an employee, so I was able to be fired legally whenever they didn’t want me. So I didn’t want to actually lose my job.

After two weeks, about three days before I was meant to come back home, she was admitted to hospital again with malnutrition/dehydration. She had a litre of fluid drained from each lung. She was in hospital for 11 days, so she was very unwell. So I called my boss and told my boss that I couldn’t come, that I couldn’t come back right now because she was in hospital and three days later he sent me an email telling me that I was let go. So that was part of a trigger for the depression.

Actually my last employer wasn’t so supportive. She, I guess, just was ignorance which is not necessary her fault but she didn’t understand. And, like I said, it’s not something you can see – it’s not the chicken pox or it’s not
She used to make me feel like I was lazy. That was the worst part. Like I was lazy and that I just couldn’t be bothered going to work. Which is just absolutely so far from the truth. I would have paid to go to work if I was able, you know? I would have paid to be able to live my normal life and not, not be stuck at home, you know, feeling like the world was ending. But that’s just the way it goes I think.

And it’s getting better. Awareness is getting better so as time goes by, I guess, awareness is gonna branch out and hopefully reach people like her a little bit [laughs].

Well I don’t talk about it to anybody who I think is going to say that to me, you know, I don’t talk about it. I don’t talk about it to anybody but my friends. I think that when I was in that government department that I left, I don’t think they understood, or had any capacity to understand how somebody’s performance might drop off if they’re suffering from depression. So I think that the way they dealt with me was actually extremely unfair.

Ah, well there’s a process in the public service called counselling. In fact it isn’t counselling at all; it’s shaming, and that’s what they did to me. I was very angry.

I don’t really want to talk about it actually.

I was sort of coping at home and dad came and saw me with my uncle who’s quite high ranking and someone who I’ve just – who’s just been a hero to me since a kid, as a kid. And you know getting into the police force and all that sort of thing and so they came and talked to me about you know, work and all that sort of thing. And all I wanted to do was get sorted and get back to work. But in the conversation and obviously they came deliberately for a reason to talk to me at home was about leaving the police force and my being entitled to a pension.

And so that, you know, I hadn’t resigned yet, I wasn’t going to resign until that would be approved. I don’t know what I was going to do if it wasn’t. I wasn’t, you know, I just wasn’t there anymore. I just – you know it was a job that I was very proud of and still am but if I can’t do it properly I shouldn’t be doing it. You know I, I didn’t really tolerate people who were slack or, you know, I would sort of, you know, not so much to their face. But I would be – I just wouldn’t like it.

But yeah when they mentioned pension I just thought, yep, that’s appropriate. And ah so yeah went through the process and it was all approved and I put in my resignation which was pretty tough. Still wasn’t really well but sort of moved on from there. Ah took a job as a groundsman. The pension’s very good and it’s, you know, you can still go and work and earn a certain amount of money. But the pension’s you know, it’s, it’s – you know, I’m not struggling for food. But I took a job. I can’t sit still. I’m only 39 now, I was 37 then. So I took a job.

I’ve always had a passion for baseball so I got a job at a baseball stadium which was, you know, sort of four hours five days a week which is just fine. I enjoyed that. But then I think after about six or eight months, you know, there just started to be a bit of pressure and a few deadlines and just didn’t really cope very well. And I’ve had a couple of jobs now, what two and a half years later. I’ve had a few jobs and I’ve enjoyed them and enjoyed getting into them but as soon as there starts being a bit of pressure and a few deadlines I’ve just – I really don’t handle it well.

But after I went back home I thought, yep, I came back determined to get a job; not to heal myself but to, to get enough money and be able to go back home again. That’s when I got a job in (organisation name). I could only work there for three weeks. It was too much for me and
It was really a good job, but I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t manage. I was finding it difficult and my supervisors asked me once, they said do you have to stop working now, today? I said yes. I was happy. I didn’t want to continue with the job, and I don’t know why.

Anyway, so I finished with that job and 2008 I did a bit of cleaning work – community, really community work helping the elderly in their homes, you know, people who can’t clean up after themselves or who can’t – you know I had to clean – I had to vacuum clean the house and dust and wash and put clothes on the line. But even that was difficult.

I found fault with everything that I was doing. Everything that I was doing to better me I felt like it was wrong because I didn’t feel I was worth – I deserved anything better than what I was having.

In 2000 and ah 9 I applied to study nursing, because I thought yeah, in my nursing career there are many jobs; I’ll get a job and I did a bit of that – actually no, 2008 – 2009 – in 2009 yeah, because I started in about April 2009 and in December I said I’m sorry I can’t continue with the training. It was draining me. I just felt I couldn’t continue it.

There was so much. I couldn’t cope. But also when – I applied for what they call traineeship, that’s where you, the government subsidises your fees and you, you must work in an aged care facility and so I was able to get a job in an aged care facility and I was studying at the same time and studying was so difficult. I couldn’t concentrate on my books. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I didn’t understand anything that was taught. I don’t even know how I managed to pass the exams that I passed because I wasn’t understanding anything.

There were too many medical terminologies to learn and I just thought I’m pushing myself onto something yet I don’t feel confident enough to complete this training.

So, I had that time off, I felt guilty the whole time’ the place couldn’t cope without me, oh my, I’d left my subject up in the air, those poor students, this was yet another, yet another example of how hopeless I was, you know, I couldn’t even hang it together, ah, so really I don’t know that the leave, the time off did much goodhe antidepressants helped a bit, and then I went back to work.

Well, nowadays if you go, if this happens, if you have those sorts of episodes where you’re medically given time off, when you return you’ve got to go on a return to work plan. You know what I mean? So you’d, you’ll only go back half time or part time or. I wouldn’t allow that to happen, for the simple reason thatfor the first couple of years at uni I was on short term contracts, 12 month contracts, and then I’d gone for the big permanency and I’d only just gotten it, I just gotten tenure. Well, I didn’t want to take stress leave off becauseell, I’m – makes me useless, doesn’t it, it makes me look, you know, we shouldn’t have given it to her. So I kept trying to stitch it together, stitch it together.

So I was kind of looking through the paper at that stage and I decided I’d do a job that was, that I – that would use my strengths, because I really firmly believe that if you’re doing a job that uses your strengths and that you’re passionate about, you can actually come away energised from it, not weakened by it. And having burned out I think I’m really aware of the things that I’m not that good at, that I used to think I was good at, but I’m not

So I thought it was good and two days a week, so it was ideal and I went in for the interview, I was fortunate enough to get the job and I, I really enjoyed it. Plus I was drawing from my own experience as well. The course was largely around, resilience and preventative stuff, protective factors for, for young people, but at the end of the course it does talk about, getting help if you need it, help seeking behaviour and I was just able to share a little bit from my experience and say, look I was really unwell and, and by this stage the kids had all gotten to know me as, you know, a reasonably strong person and ah, an educated person, a capable person.

And, I, I think my message really impacted them and kind of snuck up on them a little bit too because they see someone who’s, just a normal person saying, you know, I got really sick. So I was, I was quite effective at my job and at the end of the three month period (organisation name) was actually able to, find some funding and I was able to continue on in the, family mental health support service.

And I’ve seen all the reasons why not to stop working, because now I do some, some workplace mental health stuff as well.

And sometimes people can’t stay in the same job if it was that job or workplace that made them unwell.

Sometimes they can change roles maybe, move into a different department. But, you know, work’s really important because, you’ve got relationships at work. You’ve got a sense of purpose at work. Financially you’re going to have a lot of worries if you’re not working.

So the financial pressure of not working is huge as well. So sometimes that can be restructured. So for me work was, I really think work was, was a big help in getting better. So for me doing the physical stuff was really good. No responsibility, all I am is picking tomatoes, but it was a beautiful green environment.

And it wasn’t until the company rang and spoke to my wife and said, Well, you know, what’s happening with him? And you know, is he coming back to work or not?’ And she said, I don’t know, but I really don’t know what to do, you know, we’ve got no money,’ and stuff like that. And thank god this guy said, Well he’s got income protection,’ and she said, No that’s gone, that’s superannuation. No, no, no,’ – because this company that I was working for also had an insurance portfolio. So, they knew that I had it and so he was nice enough to organise a claim for it and because I, you know, I was useless, absolutely totally useless. And it was still finding it hard to read something and make sense of it. You know, it was all of a sudden I’d had overnight dyslexia. Yeah, so thank god for that, so.

That was hard. That was a difficult transition. Because you know, it’s that, because you know, when I was saying I’m trying to distance myself from the depression and my true self – which sounds again all fluffy dolphin, but it’s the best way I can put it. I identified with my job – I was my job, I was, you know, that person. So that was a hard transition to overcome the fact that I’m not the father, breadwinner, lord and master of my household – if I ever was.

I went so this psychiatrist tried me on more medication, which helped me get into a sleeping pattern. I continued to work as a nurse for the last 19 years, to keep up a job, to say I can do it. I didn’t keep up in a very high stressful area, but I remained employed and I remained to be a nurse, which was my saving grace.

I did that. I came back, got myself a job back at (town name) Hospital; so I had to be brave and say I can go back; and I can’t go back being the emergency nurse that I was – that I was so proud of – but I’ll just have to do a little bit of part time work; just to keep my, – get me out of the house and keep me alive basically. I started work part time.

And a lot of that came along with – well, it really started – I mean, I got back to work and I’d been promoted. I mean, the company had done a very, very good job really and saw me as quite ungrateful, and I probably was, because they’d bent over backwards really to do everything they thought they should do to show me how much they supported me and how much they wanted me back. And I basically think I was back for, I don’t know, six month and said, right, I’m off to [country name], see you later.

But it became perfectly clear to me, I was, I can’t remember what I was – I was sitting at my desk for whatever reason and my manager had said to me, we need to do X, Y and Z. I had – I was project managing, was my part-time job. Part-time. Yeah anyway. So that was what I was doing and he said something or other. I can remember thinking, it’s the job or my child. Now that wasn’t – he hadn’t – I mean, that wasn’t what he was asking me to do but that’s what it felt like.

I could either focus on her or I could focus on my job but I couldn’t do both. Now that could be – I mean, a lot of that’s me, that’s, I get very intense about particular things that I’m doing. But it felt like I couldn’t do both. I couldn’t give them what they needed in terms of my buy in and energy and give my child what she needed. And at that point I decided that she was more important and then really started in on [husband] about we need to go overseas, you know, there’s this opportunity, you know, blah, blah, blah. So yes, solved it by running away which, you know, that’s a strategy, works in the short term [laughs].

I was able to go, go back to university and do social work and get an Honours degree in social work, which was really good and again, you know.

I mean again I was a bit immature at that stage, you know, I’d be oh I was, I’d been involved in the mental health – you know the consumer rights movement for a long, long time and you know. And they were terribly bigoted at [name] University. They weren’t, they weren’t very good about dealing with people with mental issues. They were if you had sort of vanilla brand depression but with something
What do you mean by that? That’s very nice expression but can you explain to me?

Well I see vanilla brand depression as something a lot of the middle classes have. And it’s serious and it’s awful and you can’t, you can’t you know say it’s not, you know the – but it’s a bit like they, not they just have depressio but they just have one diagnosis. They’ve normally got some sort of job and even though it’s a struggle they can stay in it.

And we used to hide in the Japanese gardens of the school and we used to sort of hang out there and talk and discuss everything, philosophy to what was in your sandwich, you know. It was very – it was actually, you know, quite a good time. You know, that’s, that’s the only part of school, if any, that I looked forward to, you know. Because school was really quite – and very much I think it is for a lot of people but – it was like going to war each day, you know. You had to shine your, polish your armour and put it on and get ready for a battle, because it’s, it’s very much – especially for me it was very much like that, that’s how I saw it, you know.

So yeah, I, no, I used to get – there was this one particular person that – for instance, I go out to the place called [place name] now. And it’s a drag club, drag event place. And there’s a, a guy there and his name’s [name]. I’ll never forget his name. I’ll never forget his name, or his eyes. Just burnt into the cranium. Because he was one of the half a dozen torturers. And that’s putting it lightly. He would really, really, you know, cleave into me. They were the ones that – I think sadists – probably the best way to describe them. They enjoyed, I think, the anxiety and the, and the depression and the, just, and the, just the sheer fear of their own creation, you know in a way.

And I, you know, I’d see him at this [place name] place and he used to tease me for being queer and for being different and whatever else. And then and so I see him, I saw him the other night, and he I was looking, and he was looking, and we just locked eyes, like that. And I was like, just the sheer amount of – my body completely, it felt like scorpions were crawling off my skin. Just seeing him, I hadn’t seen him for five years, ’cause this is you know about, about five years ago. And he was, he really just morning, noon and night he would torment. Even online, he would. You know, like he’d spit on me, he’d beat me, he’d push me into the lockers, he’d verbally abuse me. You know, anything you can think of he probably did.

Cyber abuse, yeah yeah, Facebook and ah, and MySpace. More so MySpace, ’cause back then that was big. yeah, and oh, even thinking about it makes me sort of get a bit yeah, and you know I used to sort of, sometimes I used to throw up in the mornings on anticipation that I’d, you know, get another dose of poison and you know, the butterflies and everything, like I said. yeah it just, and that was the anxiety, and then I just got really depressed as well because I wanted to be his friend and I sort of opened myself up initially to him, you know, and I thought that he was a kindred spirit. Which obviously, in the end, he has turned out to be, that, in that he’s also queer.