They were very, very keen that I had reconstruction. There wasn’t a kind of, I felt afterwards that there was a real emphasis on reconstruction. You’re very young, you know, you shouldn’t let this change your life and we can cut this muscle and take this off your stomac, which on top of all the other things that were happening, it’s quite a daunting thought. But it was a real, there was a real, not a push but, you know, You’re very young and this is a good thin. But in [hospital name] in fact you can have reconstruction at any point in your life. So if I’d chosen to have it when I was seventy, so long as I was in good health. And I found that very difficult because I really, I wasn’t very comfortable with it at all. I felt that it was just too much surgery in one go, it was a huge thing.

And I had a lot of support from friends, who had spoken to other people and so, yeah, that whole thing about whether to have reconstruction or not was a very big decision, a hard decision to make. But in the end I just wanted to get the whole operation out of the way and I just opted for a mastectomy. And I think that was definitely the right decision in the end because I had to go on then to have five weeks of radiotherapy.

And are you comfortable with it now? I mean, do you think you might go for reconstruction at some point or is this?

I don’t think I’ll go for reconstruction. I think, I can understand why many women do and I think the body image thing is an important one but I actually, I’m not sure having, I just feel that, you know, for me to have reconstruction I’d have to have this muscle cut and possibly some surgery across my belly and I just think you’d just end up with lots more scars and the risks of major surgery and I think I’m a coward [laughs].

Did they offer you reconstructive surgery?

Yes they did. In fact the surgeon was very keen. But I just thought oh, no way

What were your reasons?

[Laughs] The thought of, I think it was taking flesh from my collar bone, bringing it round and Oh no and in the end you’d end up with a breast that wasn’t yours, but didn’t feel like a breast particularly I wouldn’t think, and the business of making a nipple. Oh! No way. I’d rather have nothing.

How did you feel with the prosthesis? Did you find that heavy or comfortable?

Yes, well this is it. I’ve still got the thing called the cumfie in today. I mean, I’m very small and I think this is why it’s been less of a trauma. Because losing one small breast and being left with one small breast isn’t such an awful thing as if you’ve got lovely big ones and one gone would be an awful lopsided effect. So all I needed is this little bit of kapok in this thing and I can go about in my normal clothes.

That’s a big issue for me and that’s my big upset about my mastectomy, is that I’m not convinced that they needed to take so much tissue away, and it’s horrible, what’s been left on my chest. It’s nothing to do with that I haven’t got a breast, it’s not that issue at all and I’m still very happy that I didn’t want [reconstruction] and still don’t want at the moment, I might change my mind in future but I can’t imagine ever wanting to have more surgery to create an artificial breast.

And you said you’d got quite a big scar? How do you feel about that now?

I hate it.

As when you first saw it, or have your feelings changed over time?

They’ve got worse really, because I’m now questioning, I didn’t to start with – because when I first saw it I didn’t know how it was going to end up, because there was swelling, and there were tubes, and you know, and the scar was very raw. But now I know what it’s like, now I know what I’m living with. And it’s painful, and sensitive. It’s painful in a sensitive kind of way. It’s uncomfortable to touch, and it looks horrible, and it doesn’t feel right. It feels tight and numb, and I can’t imagine what it’s like with a reconstruction, where you’ve got tissue that’s been brought from your back or your tummy, and all the discomfort there, and foreign material inside as well. I can’t imagine that that feels any better than what I’ve got. So I’m baffled that women find it okay.

But some say they do, but maybe they’re much more concerned about physical appearance, than about how their body feels, and I’m not. It’s the other way round for me. Of course I care about how my body looks, I don’t like the way it looks. But I’m much, much more concerned about how it feels.

Whilst your family and your friends are so sympathetic and they come and see you, and they’re all looking at you and giving you that sad look, and, I’m going to be okay, I’m going to be fine But they don’t know what it’s like. You know, you show them the scar, you show them the breast that’s gone, and, Oh it’s not too bad is it Well it might not be too bad for you to look at, but for me to see everyday in the mirror, to be honest, I feel like a freak, and I’m sorry to say that, but I do.

So, I mean whilst I was offered this reconstruction, I just didn’t want to know because this was my fourth operation, I’d had other operations previous, in two years. And I could not go through with any more, I’d had a sickener of hospitals. So I will have a reconstruction but I shall wait until I check that the remaining breast is fine, is okay.

And you’re thinking about reconstruction now?

Yes.

Or you’re made a decision?

I will have a reconstruction for definite. I can’t live like this, but I do want to check, knowing my luck, I don’t have very good luck, so I want to make sure that the remaining breast is okay, which hopefully five years down the line it will be. I don’t feel that I’ll be too old then to have a reconstruction, and I will definitely have a reconstruction. The only thing that sort of gave me a little bit of pause for thought was my GP said, with a reconstruction, you can’t really feel for any lumps. But, I mean there were no lumps anyway. And I mean I don’t know how it’s done, and I don’t know what tissue they use, and I believe they use part of the muscle either from your stomach or your back, so hopefully that will be safe enough but yeah, no I can’t imagine my life like this permanently.

I mean my daughter, bless her, she did say, Mum let people just accept you for what’s happened to you and who you are, you’ve not changed’, which is fair enough. But until it happens to you, you don’t know how you’re going to feel and how you’re going to react. it’s not that I wear fancy clothes or anything, but it’s a case of you can’t just go out, you have to doubly check everything’s there. And I can’t just go swimming, I used to love swimming, I’ve got to get myself a special costume, and I’ve got to get myself special bras, which yeah okay it’s a little bit of inconvenience. But to my mind, you know, it’s something that I don’t want to have to think about, plus it’s a constant reminder every time I look in the mirror that I’ve had breast cancer, you know it’s something I want to get over and get on with my life now.

Yeah. And you want to have a reconstruction after about five years, or before that?

Yes, yeah, after five years I think yeah.

And has it has it been easier with time, when you look at yourself in the mirror, has that changed over the time, or do you still feel the same?

Not really. No. No. I feel, I don’t feel right. I really don’t feel right. The scar is healing quite nicely, as they should do I suppose, but no, I just, if both breasts had have gone, and I’m thankful to God that it hasn’t, I wouldn’t bother. I really wouldn’t bother, but to have one breast and the other is just flat is, it’s very strange, it’s very strange to get used to. A lot of women do, a lot of women don’t bother, and all well and good and that’s f