I used to get pushed down stairs a lot, people would swear at me and spit at me, throw compasses at me. My friend who tried to kill herself, she cut her wrists in front of me, and I told one of my then friends about it, we then fell out, and she spread it round. Because I’d then developed a thing where I could not have my wrists exposed, I got very edgy about that, people then took to drawing red lines over their wrists and waving them in my face. And throwing compasses at me, throwing rocks at my head. General nastiness, just being quite cruel, making comments because I’m not stick thin and because I’m not particularly attractive. I would have remarks like that told to me everywhere and it was just quite a nasty school. But, I don’t know, I just stopped going after a while, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to be there which is strange because I’ve always loved learning. I’ve always, always loved it, but I just couldn’t face going to school.

I was four years old when I started school, and all the way through reception I was picked on. You know the kids always found something to pick on me for, I mean when I was in the High School, the mainstream High School they’d pick on me ‘cos I couldn’t tell the time and stuff like that. And it, now, looking back on it now makes me laugh because half of the kids in my class had special needs and they were the ones that picked on me. Whether it was ‘cos they couldn’t cope with it themselves, but they did have special needs and it was like, Well you’ve got learning problems as well, why are you picking on me? you know, I used to get so depressed. I’d come home in tears nearly every day. I mean I got cut with a razor blade in front of the teacher, and then when the questioned the teacher she said, Oh I don’t know anything about it. So, there was, and of course then going home that evening, I was in tears. Most evenings I was in tears when I came home from school, nearly every single evening if you ask my Mum or my Dad, every single evening they had to calm me down because I’d be in tears.

And at the time I thought it was normal, it was a part of reality of life, didn’t think it was a problem. And it then became when I started year 10, the bullying got physical and it became to the point of I was beaten up, had cracked ribs, was beaten home from, home from school, I was made to sit on chairs with drawing pins, on my last day of GCSE exam I was pelted with stones and bricks, that was outside, just outside the school gates. And it was just pointless. There was no means for it, but if the way that it was, it was like if you don’t wear the right hair band, the right trainers, the right brands, that’s it, you’re a sitting target. If you’re not, if you’re not popular, that’s it, you just don’t meet the needs for it and that’s unfortunately I was a sitting target.

And through the physical bullying, I mean one of the worst experiences that I had and I still remember it to this day, I actually had, I was pinned against the wall with two girls and had toilet tissue with liquid soap wrapped round it and stuffed in my mouth to make me choke. And I still remember it as if it was yesterday. I used, had a lot of anger against it. I don’t anymore, but it still is a big issue.

I wouldn’t really sort of voice my opinion too much, I mean I was, I guess I really didn’t want to be sort of like seen as anyone just in the corner, I’d be, I’d be fine sort of just doing my work really. I was I was quite, I wouldn’t say sort of like hard working, but I’d try and do my best, I mean I wasn’t that that sort of like academically good in sort of like, when I was in [school name], and I got, it’s like a, two threes and a four in my first SAT’s which I guess would be sort of get two Cs and a B sort of now. But, apart from that I was, well I was just shy. I didn’t really think I’d made too much of a, like a bother of myself. I didn’t wanna stand out or sort of get into trouble, so I always wanted to be sort of good, but, you always got the sort of like the times in the classroom where the teacher went out and I used to sort of well do the flicky with the pencils in the ceiling, and they’d all get stuck, that sort of thing, I mean, school, school kid stuff.

And something like that (bullying) it does scar you for life, people don’t see it, but in mentally and physically scars you for life. I mean I’ve bumped into a girl that used to bully me when I was in High School, she was in my primary school as well, and she said, Oh how are you? I said, I’ve got mental health problems now. She said, Why? I said, I said, I suffer from depression. How come? I said, Because you and your friends used to bully me, I said, It’s mentally scarred me. And she was like, Oh I’m so sorry. I said, Yeah, well I said, That’s what you do to people when you bully them. And she kept apologising, I said, Well it’s a little bit late to apologise now, isn’t it? I said, The damage has been done now, you can’t really take that away.

I was different and my friends were different and the majority, we were the minority in the school so we’d have like just loads of abuse hurled at us all the time like, dictionaries chucked at us and "Have yougoth the time?" and, stupid stuff like that, and I remember one lad turned round to me and he goes, Who lass, what’s that on your arm Oh it’s nothing; it’s none of your business And he goes, he turns round and goes, I wish my front lawn was like you and cut itself And I just looked at him, I just could not but laugh, just thought, it’s great that you’ve got to pick on somebody for having something wrong with them. You wouldn’t pick on somebody in a wheelchair why pick on somebody that self harms. it’s the same thing. If anything you’ll probably gonna, I know self harm’s not, got nothing to do with killing yourself but like you’re going to drive them into doing it more aren’t you, you’re just making the problem wors but
People got really invasive and wanted to know constantly what was wrong. And the school would always phone my parents up and say, Sarah’s got marks on her arms and as my parents would ask me, Oh I hurt my arms, I hurt myself in woodwork cos I’m clumsy So I always did have like bruises and that but I just said, Oh I’m clumsy oh I’ve done this or I’ve done that, and they believed it.

That’s when it really started going wrong and I realised I could get away with it and I realised that nobody noticed how I felt and nobody really cares if like, it’s obvious what’s happening so why is nobody doing anything about it, so I thought why should I try to stop it if nobody else is gonna? Why should I care?