Obviously, I have, you know, told my friends and we have discussed it a bit. But I think when things are beyond people’s own experiences, people can’t really relate to them in the same way.

And have you found that? Have you really felt that they just don’t understand?

Yes, I think so. I have to catch myself from being a bit judgy with people when they’re moaning about stuff sometimes. Because you know, I have a real awareness now, that bad things can, it’s such a clichébad things can happen to you. And until something bad happens to you, you don’t really, you know, you do go through life feeling you’re a bit sort of Teflon covered and there was like, I know those things happen, but thought it won’t happen to me, but they actually do, and so it has made me. Actually it has made me more reticent in things I do, more aware that things can happen and, and a bit more anxious I suppose actually. I think I am a bit more anxious about things. Yes, I am. I think that’s probably quite normal.

Amy’ And I think the other thing that is difficult has been hearing other people’s stories, stories sort of about labour and with my kind of group of friends that I meet up with relatively regularly and them sort of talking about oh it was an awful experience and it was, you know, just that frustratesand I don’t want to feel that because I’m very aware that for every woman that gives birth, however, you know, complicated or straightforward that’s their experience and that’s just as important as anyone else’s experience, but it really annoys me when you hear women who had relatively straightforward births
Sally’ Straightforward.

Amy’ Go on about how traumatised they are and, and how kind of I don’t know how they don’t know they’re going to have another one, because it was so hideous and I just, I don’t know. Which, and I know, I don’t like, I hate being like that because it is, you know, it is a massive thing to go through, however straightforward it is and, and, you know, I don’t, you kind of think there almost need to be a forum for every woman to go and talk about her experience, because it is such a huge thing, and then it’s like, and to the hospital it just happens every single day, you know, in every single hour, you know, and yet it’s become very obvious talking to friends that it, it’s a sort of trauma for everybody however straightforward it is, and they kind of need that space to talk about it. And you know, I suppose if it’s straightforward like, I would be more than happy to listen to somebody’s experience, but I just get, I sort of have a very short fuse I think on it, and I think I wish I’d had that chance to have, to have that skin contact.

And it’s a really, it’s just such a taboo sort of subject. And you knowbecause peopleI mean even now, like with all my girls all close together. I mean when they were little because of the age that they were, we had a triple buggy. So they were all in, they all had a little seat, and you know, complete strangers would like, you know, like make comments like, Oh, you know, you’re going to keep going until you have a boy And you know, and it’s really sort of, it’s quite harmless sort of things and I wouldn’t say, Oh no, I’ve had a hysterectomy I’d say, Oh no, threes enough for me And even now, people say, Oh you know, are you going to have any more And I don’t ever say, No. Because I’ve had a hysterectomy I will say, Oh no, I’ve had enough Or, I’ve done my bit for mankind. Three girls is enough to sort of keep the race going And you know, because it’s awful, that, saying that to somebody is just, because it makes, it almost ruins their day, you know, and makes them feel bad. it’s like, to me it’s almost as bad as like the old you know, mistaking someone for being pregnant. Oh when’s it due And it’s like, Oh I’m not pregnant People remember that kind of thing for ever. They will recount the tales to all their friends. Oh do you remember when I said, you know, it was just horrendous And I think that’s similar, it invokes a similar sort of feeling, is to say, Well no, actually, I can’t have any more children I’ve had a hysterectomy. And I had a hysterectomy in a really traumatic way, when I gave birth to my last daughter, you know.

People say such stupid things as well. You know, you said earlier about playgroups and things. One of the reasons why I can’t go to playgroups is because they say such stupid things, yes, they see you’ve got one, you’ve got one, you’re lucky to have one. They you are really lucky. You just, they don’t have a clue, they really don’t. The one is a torture, because I never realised what it was like to be a parent, and I was actually better off in the dark I think. Because now you realise the joy of being a parent and how brilliant it really is, and they’re growing bigger and bigger all the time and growing away from you. And you can’t do this again. So every month that goes by, you’ve lost with your child, because you’re never going to do it again. And that’s a really hard thing to explain but if you can do it again, you think well, she’s growing up isn’t she. Isn’t our girl growing up, let’s do it again. Let’s have another one. You know, you can repeat the whole process. When you can only have one, and it’s never going to happen again, that period’s gone. I’m never, ever going to have a new born baby.

Which is an awful thing to say, but she said, I’m the same as you [name], I’m the same as you. I know exactly what you’re going through, because we couldn’t afford to have another child. So we won’t it’s not the same. How can you say that? You choose not to have another child. Because you haven’t got enough bedrooms. You could move. That ridiculous. You could do this again if you wanted to. You’re younger than me for one thing She’s five years younger than me, so how can that be same? And we fell out with each other, so many times over it, because she would try and understand it just I couldn’t bear it in the end. That’s why I don’t go to playgroups because people say such ridiculous things.

It was like, you know, oh well, you’ve got three children, so that’s okay. You know, there’s lots of ways peoplebecause it’s because uncomfortable. it’s a really uncomfortable thing for other people. Because you don’tlike you go to a Mum and toddler group, and, you know, you’re the one that’s had a hysterectomy. So no one wants to say anything. Other people feel uncomfortable with the fact that if they’re pregnant, it’s a really, it’s not a very nice place to be for a while, and you feel bad, because you’re just, you do feel quite resentful at the sameThey have reason to be kind of wary, because you do feel, it’s an awful feeling. it’s that, it’s a real empty sort of feeling.