There’s a website for widowed by suicide which is a much more appropriate site for me because the WAY website had people that had lost partners or husbands through accidents, various things, whereas the widowed by suicide site specifically, as it says, it is for people widowed by suicide and you get, true reflection of how you’re feeling, and you get advice, you get information from people who are maybe four years down the road of being widowed, six years down the road being widowed and they’re giving you fact that they can understand if you put on the, you’d put a posting up saying, I’m really struggling today because it’s the first day of October and October’s a really special month’ they can relate to that
Mmm.

nd they will send you back something that will truly make a difference to how you’re coping, and it’s just a sense of, it’s like a, it’s like a circle of friends but you have a certain amount of anonymity because you don’t really need to know what the person looks like, whether they’re short, tall, round, whatever, because it, they’ve all walked that same journey that you’ve walked and that journey is a bit like a marathon, you might have all these people cheering you on and supporting you on the sidelines, but you have to run the run, you have to do the marathon and you have to find out where the potholes are for yourself, and you have to find the signposts for yourself. And it doesn’t matter how much support’s on the sidelines you have to do it, and no-one can carry you, but the online websites and Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, gives you the support, they’re like the energy bars, they’re the energy bars that give you that little bit more strength to go that next hour of the day, or through that next day of the week and carry you through to a point where you may be going two days without getting upset to three days without getting upset and they’re a great source, and they give you great information on books, on other support groups and they do make a big difference.

So you decided not to go to a SOBS meeting or get in touch with them?

I did get information from them, but I decided not to join. There wasn’t a support group in the town, where I live, so the, the closest group for me would’ve been in the next big city.

Yes quite a way.

So yeah, and I don’t drive, so, you know, it would’ve been journey into town, then catch a train and things like that so I decided not to.

And is that when you decided to start your email support group to other people in the same situation?

Not straight away, not straight away but, I mean I was desperate to try and find somebody in the same situation as me but it was, how do I find these people?

And then did you use the internet for looking for any other support for yourself?

Well there was SOBS. As I say I decided I couldn’t, that wasn’t useful to me and I did find, there was also the WAY Foundation

Mmm.

which I, and I know there’s the National Association of Widows. I did join the WAY Foundation but not till a lot later, but there was another site that I used that’s an open discussion board which is open to everyone, so anybody can access this and I used that.

What’s that site called?

Merry Widow, which is not a very good term really but it’s for men and women, and that’s done by, I think she’s actually a journalist and she’s written books on it following the death of her husband. So it’s for anybody whos been widowed.

Did you find that helpful?

It was helpful, it was helpful, but a lots of people were talking, I mean I still look at it but there’s lots, lots of people talk about, how their husband’s have died and, you know, and things like that. And there’s a lot, there’s a lot there but there’s a distinct lack of anybody who talked about mental illness and suicide, and I knew that this wasn’t right, I knew I wasn’t the only person in the United Kingdom who had, suffered, and I wanted to try and get hold of people so in the end, about October 06, I plucked up the courage to put a post, on, that site under a pseudonym at the time. And, I just explained a bit about, you know, mental illness and suicide, and different, you know, how I’d said although being widowed, it’s awful for anybody but this additional

Yes.

there are additional issues as in, you know, children, when d’you tell the children? What do you tell the children?

Mmm.

And, and, stigma, nobody else suffers stigma if, you know, if somebody’s husband dies a heart failure or

Mmm.

you know there’s no stigma there’s no, you know it’s just, Oh what a shame. And you know? I mean all I can say is thankfully I haven’t, but I do know that people do, you know and just, from people that I’ve spoken to, and yeah I suppose I was frightened of stigma originally because I was worried about how my kids would be treated.

And did you have a response to that posting?

I got quite a lot of responses and I did put it at the end, you know I says, Please, I mean I’m not very eloquent [laughs] I’m not very good with words [laughs] but I did sorta say, can you please understand that this

But speaking to other people since, then I discovered this Widowed by Suicide support group, that’s online. And on there again, you’re able to share your experiences with others that have been bereaved by suicide. And you can share those experiences without being judged because there’s still the, the stigma about suicide. You can’t actually speak out and say, this has happened to me, has it happened to anyone, or this is my experience, or I’m going through this at the moment is this normal? Because there’s it’s very difficult to find someone else whos already been through it.

How often would you go online and look for those emails?

Oh daily.

Everyday?

Yeah, yeah.

And have you found that useful?

Yeah. I mean there’s a lot of people on there who are reading the emails, rather than posting.

Hm.

You’ll get some, so many people that will post and so many people that will read.

Hm.

But providing we’re able to help by showing our experiences are normal and that it is ok to feel angry. It is ok to feel upset.

Hm.

And to hit bumps in the road of, of recovery because everyone assumes that as soon as it’s over you’re going to be back to normal. And it’s a complete shock to people when they realise that they’ll hit a bump in the road for no apparent reason and go to pieces.

Hm.

Or if crying, sobbing and loneliness, to go online and say and type in, this is how I’m feeling, and to have like five or six people reply and say, Yep that’s normal, don’t worry, you’re ok

Hmm.

And having people who have gone through the two year mark, the three year mark, the four year mark, we’re able to then help those who are newer bereaved
Hm.

n maybe only six, seven, eight weeks in whove got a hell of lot of recovery to come,
Yes.

who may need that support.

Hm. Is it all, all women or do you have men as well?

No we have men as well.

OK.

Yeah because they, their worries are the same.

Hm. Right.

If you’ve lost a life partner, it makes no difference in the long run whether you’re male or female.

Um.

Losing that, that, that person whos been so solid in your life.

Um.

Will hit you whether you’re male or female. And it they’ll have the same concerns. Darrell used to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, everything in the house. I, I was the money earner and he was the househusband if you like.

Hm.

So to suddenly be faced with learning to or relearning the skill of cooking, ironing and washing, in effect some of the queries that the men are putting on
Hm.

and saying how do I do this? And I’ve got this to do. And how do I, how does a washing machine work and stuff like normal everyday stuff.

Hm.

<

I don’t feel, until you’re actually involved in suicide, you don’t realise how frequent it is. And I don’t feel that there is enough support given to the families. it’s still a taboo subject. While I was on this site, I found a group that’s based in America called Parents of Suicide. And it was founded in 1998 by a mum whod lost her daughter two years previously. And at the moment there’s over 700 members. When I joined I was 696 and I think there’s about 730 members now. And I’ve known other people whove lost their loved ones to suicide and I’ve mentioned about this suicide site, Parents of Suicide. And I joined, I joined this group. You pay a very, very high price to join, not financial but And I receive about 80 – 100 emails a day. And from all different mums, all over the world’ Australia, Africa, France, quite a few in England [um] America, lots and, most of them are in America. And a lot of their children; it’s gunshot (, or hanging. And we can talk, by email. I haven’t yet, yet got into the chat room, because of the time difference. But I’m just very basic on the, on the computer, so, I can do emails, just.

Do they support you?

Very much so. And it’s therapy. it’s, it’s my therapy of reading other people’s emails. There’s lots that you delete, lots of them you don’t read. But every now and again you just get one little snippet, one little Ah’, that, that’s so true, by other people’s experiences. They write about their experiences and what they do. And I’ve actually found that more beneficial than going to therapy, going to the family psychotherapy, because I’m talking to other mums, I’m talking to other families. Because they know what I’m feeling, they know the feelings. The therapists, they’re just going by the textbook, ask this question, ask that question, what’s the response? But I’ve found that this Parents of Suicide’ has been, has saved me. Has kept me on this earth. And in, the one remark that was said to me, quite a few months ago when I was feeling very, very, very low, and I was in a very, very dark place, very dark place, was that I can’t, can’t look after the dead I can only look after the living. And it, that was a kick up the backside for me, that sort of, yeah, I can’t look after Izzy and Anna anymore.

Was that somebody on the website?

Yes. Yeah, it was, it was the mum in the east of England who lost her son a few years ago.

I very, very early on looked on the internet and found people, the group that was set up in America, that is worldwide, which meant that I could, look at stuff if I wanted to, I could open other people’s mail but choose to delete it, generally I don’t read that much, I don’t want to have stuff that makes you feel like you’ve got to sit there wallowing in it but sometimes people post really positive things, so when you find somebody whos posting positive things, it’s their mail that you open in the site. But they enquire about it, about you so for instance, post things about what’s going on just generally in your life as well, which is really nice. And it means we’ve got friends now worldwide.

That’s good, what’s the group called that you said you joined by the internet?

Parents of Suicide, POS, it’s initials, so if anybody was looking for it, they’ll find it. In this country, there’s, there’s a handful of members. I always look to see if, when new members join, because unfortunately new members have to join which is really sad, but I look for anybody in this country and so I do have telephone contact with four members, no more than four members, about half a dozen members that I’ve rung and spoken to, and that’s useful, and we often just land up laughing as well which is really good as, as well through it all.

Parents of Suicide are, basically it’s an internet e-mail support group, but we have a website as well which gives all the different support things, there’s a page or pages which have loved ones’ names, photos, and a message about them. Then we’ve got one called Suicide Memorial Wal where they have all the photos up on this website and every month they have a list of their names, a list of the names of the people who died in that month scrolling across the website so, they, so you can read people’s names from that month, and we have information pages on there, different things that can help you.

How often would you look at it for example?

I go on it every night.

Oh do you?

And most people do it one, they go on it once a day. If, but again it’s, it’s like anything, it’s, it’s, if you feel you, it’s too much for you, you don’t, you come off it for a while. And you use it when you want to, it’s, I, I do it every night cos it’s something I, I, I find helpful and I send out messages to, on anniversaries of birthdates and, I’ve been on there now since 1999 I think, I joined that website, so I’m now one of the older members and I can offer help to others if, if I can find the words to put down. We share poems, and inspirational quotes; people find, they send us, so it’s all different sorts of things, and we just release our feelings on this website, on the e-mail support group site.

So the Parents of Suicide website is developing and changing all the time.

Yes, yes it’s updated all the time, it’s an active site, and it’s also linked with another site called Family and Friends of Suicide. It’s run by the same couple, for people whove lost members of family and friends.

Do you look at that one as well sometimes?

I don’t go on that one myself.

One’s enough I guess.

One’s enough to keep me busy, and she’s, there’s some of these e-mail support groups who; Grieving Parents and other links, link, other ones that are linked in various forms so it’s all different types there for different people, and once a year, no, once a year we, Lynda and I go over to America to join up with a gathering of Parents of Suicide. They hold four retreats a year now in this lady’s house, in Tennessee, near Nashville, and we go over once a year and meet up, sometimes there’s been about 70 people staying at this person’s house, but she’s decided it’s too much, she’s reducing it down to about 30 a gathering now. But we go and we share with other people there. We share, we live with them and we go and visit other people and stay with other families that have lost children to suicide and Darren’s name gets mentioned in other places and he, he’s on this, he’s in this, where we go in Tennessee she’s got a butterfly pavilion where she, where we get together to have meals and that sort of thing, and she’s got a memorial wall up in the, in the back section of that and Darren’s photo, pictures on that.

Oh that’s nice.

His name is on a brick in Evansville in Indiana for another couple we met, he’s on a wall in British Columbia in Canada, it’s to keep Darren’s name going. We, what we do we do in memory of Darren. Because Darren, we weren’t ashamed of Darren when he was alive, and we’re not ashamed of him now and we want to talk about him, we want to share him and

It’s very comforting all that?

Yes, and, and that’s what we do.