We went back and the very smiley doctor looked a lot, even more serious than when she was telling me I had cancer, and I thought, Oh, I don’t like this And she then started to explain, or asked me how much I’d remembered from the previous appointment. And I said not very much because I was so shocked. And then she started to explain about the pre-cancerous area as well as the area of the lump and I just remember turning around and looking at my husband, thinking, I’m sure this is more serious than she said last time

But of course, you know I had very vague memories. And then I remember just saying, Oh in that case I want a mastectomy My friend had had a mastectomy twenty years previously, she was doing very, very well thank you very much, and I just wanted to get rid of it I think. And then my husband said, Well is that really necessary And the doctor said, Well, in situations like this, it’s not ever the wrong decision But I don’t think I really knew what DCIS was at that time at all.

Had they used the word DCIS?

No, she just said pre-cancerous area. And I think, you know in my head I was thinking well, if they’re going to take two big lumps from my breast, they may as well take the lot cos they weren’t that big.

I don’t really remember, oh yes, then we went, had to go and see the surgeon, and he drew a picture of a breast and did lots of specks all over the breast and said, Oh, you know, it probably is a good idea to have a mastectomy And I was going along with whatever was being said to me at that point.

Then a few, you know, a few days later I was getting upset and said, Look I don’t want to go through with this anymore I said to my GP, I don’t want this anymore But at no point did I actually say, I definitely don’t want the mastectomy And I know that, and I also knew that I could make myself sound a lot more confident than I actually am, and she, they probably all believed me when I said, I want a mastectomy you know. Because I didn’t, you know, I didn’t really totally understand what was happening to me. I know I had, I knew I had cancer, I knew I had a lump.

I then, on the day of my pre-op assessment, I asked the breast care nurse to meet me. And I said, You know the surgeon wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t necessary And she said, No, he wouldn’t And even then, although I was getting upset, I didn’t want the operation, I didn’t say, I’ve changed my mind

About any operation, or about the mastectomy?

About the mastectomy. I knew I had to have the lump removed. I knew it was sensible to have both areas removed, but I hadn’t, I couldn’t actually bring myself to say, I don’t want the mastectomy anymore Because you know, in my heart I was thinking, well it, you know it would make life so much easier, but I, sort of, at the same time you do, I haven’t got the most wonderful of body images, so the thought of losing my breast as well, you know, it just was just too much.