I couldn’t see myself for who I was, so I’d walk past a shop window or something, and I wouldn’t recognise who it was. And so I sort of didn’t have a mental image of who I was, what I stood for, you know, sort of like this is me, I look like this and I’m like this, and I like this, and I remember used to having to make it up when I was at school, when I was at primary school. You know they sort of ask all these questions like, and you have to write your name and then you have to write what lessons you like, and which lessons you don’t like, and I remember just making it up, cos I didn’t know what I liked and what I didn’t like.

I felt that everyone else knew who they were and knew what they were about and, and stuff, but that I didn’t. I’m sure that other people had feelings like that but, it was sort of, you know I went through a long stage of thinking I was adopted, to a stage where I actually requested my birth certificate and looked at it because I was convinced for a long time that I was adopted that you know this whole life can’t be quite true. And justit’s, it’s quite hard to explain now sort of, because I’m not, I’m not there now. But it was just sort of like, just sort of like trying to discover who you are, but not really being able to get anywhere. I think I remember describing it once, it was like trying to, like say life is like a jigsaw puzzle, I was like trying to put it together but I just didn’t have all the pieces. It was like desperately searching for those pieces without even knowing what those pieces are meant to be.

I used to think I was sort of worthless, and people, people would tell me, Oh you’re not worthless, you’re not worthless, shut up Sort of thing, but that will, that would make me think well they’re just saying that, they’re not really meaning it. You, if you really meant it then you would sort of do something about it, instead of just saying oh shut up, sort of you’re not worthles, sort of thing. But I, I talked to, well like my counsellor with it and he would be like, Well if they didn’t think you were worthless or if they did think you were worthless, why would they need to sort of say stuff to you to make you feel better And I’d be like, Well, they could be just saying it And it would, sort of I’d go around in that sort of circle until I sort of realised that maybe yeah, if they were trying to, if they really thought I was worthless then, they wouldn’t care at all, they’d be like, pha and, sort of cast me asunder sort of thing. But I do, I do think from time to time people care but I, sort of, sometimes I forget that and I’ll be like, andyou don’t care, sort of thing. But, I’m getting better at it, I’m getting better at it. I’m, I’m managing to sort of like put all these things together and be like, hey now I’m happy.

I think it’s [self-esteem] always been quite low, again because I mentioned my sister, and obviously since she’s you know, she’s very articulate and she’s very clever, I always felt, ‘cos our family is, it’s quite an intelligent family, and I didn’t know at the time because of the dyslexia I couldn’t reach the goals and so, whereas they were getting all the good grades, I wasn’t. And that, I think that initially started the self esteem problems ‘cos I felt I wasn’t as good as the rest of the family and I was sort of the black sheep, I was the one that, that wasn’t as able, sort of with GCSE’s I think my cousin got, was in the newspaper for six A stars and five A’s. And I got all D’s and things, so obviously there’s The same, oh in fact on the same day where I finished, took my sixth form because they said obviously you can’t catch up, so you may as well leave, on the same day as I left that school, my sister got, at the college was awarded Learner of the Year for the whole of [county name], so obviously there’s, there’s a bit of a , you know, it’s not that difficult to notice there’s a difference between us. So I think that started the self esteem problems, and the things sort of like with friends sort, when they were going out and they were inviting me out sometimes it was they were clothes shopping, ‘cos I’m a larger size so I couldn’t buy the same clothes as they were doing, at the same shops so I thought well I’m not going to go to things like that, and that didn’t help my self esteem either.

The way I think now, it’s, it’s so drummed into my head that I can’t, I can’t change, I can change but I can’t change at the present moment like I’ve got so many like negative connotations to things and you just, it’s really difficult to change that, you’ve got to sort of force yourself out of the cycle and forcing yourself is the hardest bit.

it’s really, really difficult to do that, especially after such a long time of thinking in certain ways. It definitely makes it more difficult because I’m used to thinking like this and now all of a sudden somebody says it’s not normal, it’s not how you’re meant to be and that’s really, I don’t like it. But there is something, it’s not just me, it’s not, everybody doesn’t act like me, not everybody thinks the same as me, I, it’s hard to know that you don’t function the same way as other people do. it’s harder for you to get along with people, it’s hard for you to make friends and trust people, and just do things everybody else does every day.

I read somewhere, quite a few places actually, that when you come out of addiction you’re the same age mentally that you went in. So when I was 18, 19 I was still technically a 12-year-old, so that 6 year period in adolescence where you learn to interact socially, oh no, I’d have my face down a toilet, I didn’t have a clue. Like you know so I was still that 12-year-old who didn’t have a clue what was going on, when I was 18, 19 when I should’ve been having the time of my life and stuff, I was sort of 6 years behind because all my growing up had taken place in public toilets and sweet shops and stuff, you know and like lonely, lonely times in sweet shops and stuff you know, not the sort hanging out with friends or anything like that. So I did find it, incredibly, because you know cos at the end of the day I was the equivalent of a 12-year-old trying to articulate a very adult problem.

It made me feel disappointed in myself and that I’d failed myself, I’d failed my teachers, I’d failed the parents. And that just made me worse, it just made me feel a whole lot worse, and you know, then it starts the onward spiral of you feel worse so you do worse, and then as you do worse your expectations of yourself fail more and then you start going worse and before you know it, you’ve dropped out of college and you’re out of work and you’ve not got nothing to your name.

I want everything to be done right, and to my best ability, and like I said I got all A’s and A stars at GCSE, and then all A’s at A’ level. And just doing everything I do I want it to be done to the best of my potential, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do that, and just with everything like the counsellor used to say to me, You, you see failure as a bad thing, whereas sometimes failure can be a positive thing. Like last year when obviously I didn’t enjoy, like my course, I saw that as a failure whereas she saw that as a positive thing because it gave me a chance to rethink and have another chance, whereas I, that was like the end of my world for that moment in time, because I’d failed and everything’s got to be like successful and an achievement and like done 100%.

I just feel like as well my little brother, like I always said I want to have independence so I can look after him, and ‘cos I’ve not got that independence it’s failing, and they’re like, No it’s not, you’re 18, 17, 18, how can you be independent at 17, 18. You’ve still got to be a child for your parents, and they’re not going to see that as a failing because if you, like if you’re going to university and it’ll give them opportunities in the future for you to look after him, so it’s not a failing. You are doing something successful at the end of the day.

But I mean I still am a perfectionist, I mean my Uni work like I will do it always to the best, and sometimes it does get on top of me like, I’m stressed because I know I’ve got four assignments before Christmas, and I want to get them done and, so I still have that, but I have a more, when I do get stressed instead of like it leading to being depressed sort of look at it more positive and find something else to do.

I do have no kind of belief in my own ability, my own kind of worth, like I am capable, I am really capable of academic achievement, but I still I didn’t believe it. And like I’ve got loads, I’ve got loads of groups of friends, if you write it down on paper what’s like my life is like, like you know, where I’m from, the grades I’ve got, things like that, I look like everything should be fine. But at the same time I felt that I just couldn’t live up to that ideal. I couldn’t live up to that point like that, this bubble that, this kind of fictional person that to me seemed completely separate from me, that everyone kind of looked at and sort of like expected so much of. I just, I couldn’t, I didn’t feel that I would be able to match that, and that I was worthless and that I just couldn’t like I couldn’t like, my parents and like my teachers all kind of like, You’re going to go far, and all this kind of thing, which is lovely to hear that, that you know people believe in you, but at the same time it was that pressure that I think also kind of sent me down because like I was just kind of like I can’t do this, I, there’s no way I’m gonna be able, I’m gonna let me down, they’re gonna be angry at me, they’re gonna be disappointed in me, they’re gonna be this, this, this. And then that would send me of into like a different thing.

Over sort of my second year of college, I remember being just a bad time, like to anyone that sort of knew me at the time, I would’ve seemed fine, I mean I was voted to like the bubbliest person in my college, but like behind that kind of façade of just being able to cope, and being able to kind of like handle everything and get everything done, and sort of still manage to like see people and do this, like everything behind it was just crashing. Like I felt really, really bad, and I felt bad for not telling people, but I, but because it was, I was restricted ‘cos I didn’t want to, it would go back to, I didn’t wanna burden them, I didn’t.

If I’m perfectly honest because both are sides of me, but I prefer the smiley side. I prefer the smiley side, I prefer that upbeat side but the downside is like is just, it’s just been there, it’s just what I’m used to. It’s kind of like it always has just been there and it always has like just been a part of who I am, what I do. All that kind of thing, and it is, it hasn’t been till like probably recently that I’ve kind of noticed the distinction between the two.

When college started, university, everyone’s just known me to be a confident person, because once I left my old school behind it was just easy to move on and pretend like I’ve always been confident. But obviously it was kind of you know it was, it was actually worse than it was before, I wasn’t just feeling bad, it was I was doing things, to, make you know actually damaging me, so it was, it, yeah I got more confident I suppose in a way, but, I still even now I prefer doing things on my own.

But you know, I know when I was younger as well I was quite quiet, I am naturally a quiet person, I get, I like acting confident but the majority of the time I don’t feel very confident. So, you know I’ve become quite a good liar, it’s just not a great thin, I mean, I mean it’s not a great thing to admit, but I’m good at hiding like my real feelings. Cos you know I can’t lie, really I’m a terrible liar, I couldn’t possibly steal something and then pretend like I hadn’t done it. I definitely, you know I’m definitely better at not being the real me, I can definitely hide the real me more now. So as a child I was probably quite quiet, and I was probably quite, I wore my heart on my sleeve, like if I was upset everyone would know it. And now it never happens like I wouldn’t, you know people, if they catch me on a really bad day I might be sitting there quite quietly going, Go away, I just want to sit here on my own And I might, you know, that might be as far as it gets, but generally I’m not gonna, I don’t want to push my low mood onto everyone else cos I know it’s quite contagious sometimes, if someone’s feeling sad I mean, they’ll make someone else feel sad, and it’s kind of, I don’t want to be the person that sets off a bit of a sob fest like sitting amongst a circle of friends, everyone started crying, and I was going, No it’s okay

Do you think depression’s affected your, your self confidence?

Oh yeah definitely. Definitely. I wouldn’t say shy, but and, in turn I wouldn’t say I was ever really that outgoing, but I wasn’t afraid of meeting new people, I wasn’t afraid of letting you know, to be heard and to stand out, and you know to stand up for myself. If I didn’t necessarily agree with something I would’ve immediately said, Well, you know I don’t agree with that and, you know and argued my point, and now I’m, I feel a bit like a doormat, since I’ve had the depression and I just feel like I’m being walked over and used, and even though I’m aware of other people’s behaviour and how I’m being treated, I haven’t necessarily got the confidence to stand up for myself anymore. And I just, I feel quite vulnerable. I think depression does make me feel quite vulnerable, and you know I’m quite low.

When I was younger I used to do loads of activities, I did dancing and went to scouts, beavers, cubs, I did loads of things, it’s just as life’s got, cos I think as well, I used to be different as well because I used to be like a real girly, girly, but now as I’ve got older I feel insecure so I have to wear like tracksuits and stuff like that and just to make myself feel a bit safer and, a bit more confident. But at the minute I’m just trying to get out of that habit and just start being back to the way I was again.

So what did you used to be like? If you described your personality then?

Funny and bubbly and didn’t care what anybody said, and didn’t let anybody upset me, went to school everyday when I was in Year like 5, 6, 7. And then just leading a normal life really, going out with my friends after school, inviting them round for a sleepover, going out, chilling on the streets, just normal. But now life’s getting on, I’ve just changed. When I’m on a high my personality’s always been the same, I sit there and make them all laugh till they’re crying, they just basically have a laugh, but, I don’t know it’s just changed for some reason. Like I can’t see, I can’t see when it did change cos I’ve always been up and down my whole life really.

I don’t look at it [depression] as part of my personality, per se because emotions and outbreaks are not a personality trait. Or at least not that extreme emotion, I like I don’t think that like and it’s not a personality trait that, I mean you wouldn’t describe somebody as, oh, like That person’s angry Like that doesn’t say anything about somebody.

It is a disease in the sense that something is wrong in your organism, and it needs attention and it needs healing. But it’s not yeah it’s difficult because like it is in you but at the same time it’s not your personality, it just means that something has happened to you, whatever it is and like and yeah I deeply think that the scale of things, like something that might seem really benign to someone is really traumatising for someone else and that needs to be fixing and that needs attention and that is you.