Adjusting to life without the person who died

Adjustment to any loss can take months or years, but it may be particularly hard to rebuild one’s life after a sudden traumatic death. Martin couldn’t imagine a time when he would not recall the horror of seeing Steph’s body seconds after she was killed.

Many who had lost a loved one in a violent crime often remained anxious about their own and other people’s security. However, people respond to traumatic grief in many different ways; some people recover relatively quickly.

The Potters Bar rail crash and her husband’s traumatic death in 2002 had turned Nina’s life upside-down. She feared leaving the house, but she was glad she had written the book Dear Austen, a letter to her husband to tell him what had happened. Nina had started to write a new novel, something she had thought she would never do again.

Others, too, had slowly regained their optimism.

Lisa was in deep despair when two of her friends were murdered. She was ill for a long time but…

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People often felt a particular sense of loss when looking at old photographs, or on birthdays or anniversaries (see Anniversaries and other special occasions), but over the years feelings became less intense and memories less painful.

When Adrian died Godfrey felt that life would never be the same. He and his wife still miss him…

Age at interview 77

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Years after Dorries death, family members have learnt how to deal with their grief. Patsy’s…

Age at interview 61

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Two years after Julie’s sister was murdered she felt less depressed, but ‘silly little things…

Age at interview 38

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However, others were still haunted by what had happened and were more pessimistic about the future. Sometimes some people felt that life wasn’t worth living and that it was very, very difficult to “move on”. Two years after her daughter died, Elizabeth and her parents still felt distraught at times.

Elizabeth, whose daughter died in a car crash in 2006, wondered if she would ever feel joy again…

Age at interview 52

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Dolores’ son, Tom, was stabbed to death in 2006. Two years later she still at times thought about…

Age at interview 54

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Stephens life was shattered when he and his brother were hit by a drunk driver in 2006. Stephen…

Age at interview 49

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David’s son Simon was murdered in 1992. David said that he had learnt to live with his grief but that his son’s death had changed their lives in many other small ways.

David will never forget what happened to Simon. Since the day he was murdered David and his wife…

Age at interview 55

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Some people worried about how they would cope alone. Sarah, whose husband Russell died in a bus crash in 2006, feared a lonely retirement without him. The future seemed “very scary”.

Martin, whose wife Steph had died when a bus hit her, wondered how he would manage to bring up his children without her, and his fear of the future was “quite overwhelming”.

The death of a brother or sister can have long-lasting consequences for the surviving sibling. Susanna, whose brother died in the Bali bombing in 2002, missed him very much and worried about having to care for her elderly parents single-handed. She regards the whole idea of “closure” as unhelpful after such a traumatic death.

Six years after her brother died Susanna still feels pain that will never go away, that time…

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Tamsin, whose brother Matthew died in a motorbike crash in 2006, said that she was dreading having to cope with the death of one of her parents without her brother’s support.

Adam feared the time when both his parents might die and he had to grieve alone and sort out the will and make decisions without his brother Lloyd. Adam also regretted that he and the rest of the family would never see Lloyd get married and that he would never have a nephew or niece.

Tamsin misses her brother very much. The knowledge that one day she will have to deal with her…

Age at interview 37

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Dean and his wife feared their own old age because they had hoped that their son, Andrew, would look after them when they needed care. When Andrew died the future seemed very bleak. Their lives feel empty; they take one day at a time.

Jayne’s husband Jonathan was killed in 1992. Jayne thinks she will never get over his death. She worries about what will happen when the offender is released from a secure hospital and she grieves for the person she was before Jonathan died – a young woman who was happy and in love.

Though Jonathan died many years ago, Jayne still misses him and feels angry about what happened…

Age at interview 44

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Some said that their whole view of life had changed. Things that once seemed important no longer seemed important. Rachel said she had been a keen golfer before her son Dave died but after his death she really wasn’t interested in it anymore. Her views about death had changed too. She no longer feared death for herself because she believed that if she died she would see her son again.

Two years after Dave’s death Rachel still feels raw at times, and day-day activities seem…

Age at interview 47

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Although people often find it impossible to concentrate and need to take time off work, others find work a welcome distraction. It helped Rosemary, for example, to resume work fairly soon after her son died.

Rosemary wanted to resume normal life as quickly as possible, but felt that she would never be…

Age at interview 65

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Campaigning for change helped some people cope with grief and changed their lives completely. After Cynthia’s daughter died she was determined to seek justice for her, and fight on behalf of others killed on the roads. She wrote to the Home Office and complained about the coroner, the police and the Crown Prosecution Service.

She also bought shares in the company that owned the concrete mixer lorry that killed her daughter, went to an Annual General Meeting and told people how her daughter had died. The company made changes to their vehicles to improve safety and invited her to help with driver training. Cynthia also wanted to change attitudes and the way people drive. She still supports those bereaved through road crashes and works with RoadPeace (see Support received from Charities).

Cynthias anger and her determination to fight for justice for her daughter, and on behalf of…

Age at interview 64

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After Ann’s son died she campaigned to prevent knife crime. That work kept her going through a very difficult time. She founded an organisation called Knifecrimes.org.

Ann founded Knifecrimes.org. She goes into schools and talks to children about the consequences…

Age at interview 57

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Adam has also spent much time on his campaign against violence, in memory of his brother Lloyd. He created a website, Stand Against Violence, gives talks in schools and is making an anti-violence film.

Working as volunteers for the organisation Mothers Against Violence has also changed some people’s lives. Patsy has met ministers and the Queen through her work, which aims to prevent other violent deaths (also see Support received through charities.)

Angela and others have also worked tirelessly to bring about change and to reduce violence in the community.

Through her work with Mothers Against Violence, Patsy has met the Prime Minister and the Queen…

Age at interview 61

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Angela said that if she hadn’t worked hard for Mothers Against Violence she wouldn’t be happy…

Age at interview 44

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Shazia lost her best friend due to murder when she was a teenager. The work she does to try to reduce violence based on the notion of ‘honour’ or ‘izzat’ has helped her to cope with what happened.

Shazia gives talks about her friend’s death, in order to prevent other violent crime committed in…

Age at interview 28

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Marcus has been involved in several charities that help people bereaved through murder and…

Age at interview 38

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