VM
Mother of a trans daughter. Ethnicity: White British.
VM was told by her daughter about three or four years ago, as an adult, that she thought she was transgender. When her daughter told her about her trans identity, she did not expect it and thought that she was going to come out as gay instead. It took a while to accept her daughter’s gender identity and to get the pronouns correct. But VM and her daughter maintained a relationship and feel much closer now. When asked what positives have come from her daughter’s trans journey, she says that she now understands a lot more about trans identities and experiences.
More about me...
VM has a trans daughter. When her daughter first came out during adulthood, VM was concerned and thought she would have to move somewhere else where nobody would know about her daughter’s transition. However, she soon changed her mind and has found that the people in her community are really accepting and those who are less so, she says, are “off the Christmas list.” VM still has some concerns about her daughter’s transition, particularly in relation to the level of medication she is on and how it may affect her and the other conditions she has.
VM attended a medical appointment with her daughter to see a gender specialist at one of the Gender Identity Clinics for adults. The purpose of this appointment, she says, was to confirm that her daughter was living as a woman and wanted to medically transition. She recalls the specialist asking her daughter about how she dresses. This stood out to VM because her daughter does not dress particularly feminine and thinks that the specialist was asking these questions to make sure her daughter was really transgender. Overall, VM thinks her daughter was happy with the decisions that the specialist made.
When asked about what support she has had as a parent, VM says she feels lucky in that she has access to two support groups in her local community. She says, in both these groups she has made friends with other parents who have trans children who she can call at any time. VM says she is not really keen to have any online support, but she is sure for some parents that would suit them better.
Reflecting back to her daughter’s initial social transition, VM found it difficult to get her pronouns correct, but she is so grateful for this learning opportunity because it has made her more aware of how she speaks to people. Now when she talks to a woman she never assumes that they are in a relationship with a man and uses the gender neutral term ‘partner.’
In the current social and political debate about trans children and their healthcare VM thinks that there is a lot of inaccuracies from the media and TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Though she thinks these debates on television can raise the visibility of trans people and help support others with trans children. When asked what positives have come from her daughter’s trans journey, she says that she now understands a lot more about trans identities and experiences and is more open to diversity overall.
VM’s daughter had bottom surgery on the NHS. She talked about how her daughter fell ill after the surgery and had to rely on local GP for help.
VM’s daughter had bottom surgery on the NHS. She talked about how her daughter fell ill after the surgery and had to rely on local GP for help.
I looked up the surgeon and he seemed to have done lots of them before. So, I would have said, she had a nurse who I never met. But assured her that she would be there for her throughout the whole operation process and anything she needed to know she would do. The day after the operation we'd gone, we, she was drowsy and she needed to see someone. We went away and we came back and she said to us, ''The nurse has just told me she's going to Australia for'' I can't remember now, four weeks'' so we were completely on our own. Which I can't quite get, I can't quite forgive that, really. So we left the hospital, came home and so we had nobody to sort of seek advice from, because this nurse had just said, I totally get she takes the time to go on holiday. But It was all… I think my daughter said, phoned a couple of times, but they were a bit unhelpful, I felt, from my point of view. And then she did get ill and we had to talk, we were told to go to A&E – well, what good is going to A&E? What do they know about transgender operations? That would – probably even less than I do. And, at which point, she's already, she hadn't signed on with a GP so we had, went round the corner and found a GP. Her temperature was going up and up and up and I was really worried. And we had, we eventually had a call with the GP who clearly knew nothing about transgender issues, but we knew because she'd been told she might get an infection that, her temperature was really high and she needs antibiotics... This GP… she just said, ''They are there. I've written a prescription out, go and get them.'' And that was great, because it's what she needed. We needed someone to sort of believe us without saying, ''Well, I need to see you again and I need to.'' And, I thought, good on her. And she did and my daughter took them and got better. But I felt we were really let down by the people who should have said, ''Come and see us now.'' And they didn't.
VM’s daughter educated her on pronouns. She feels that she is now more aware of diversity and less quick to make assumptions about others.
VM’s daughter educated her on pronouns. She feels that she is now more aware of diversity and less quick to make assumptions about others.
How did you first learn about different terms and identities related to gender diversity?
Oh right, well, [laughs] I think she had to explain the pronoun things and then, then I got more up, I suppose it was like a learning curve and we just had to get on with it and do it. And it makes you much more aware how you, what you say to people. I find myself now saying to people, I never assume if I'm talking to a woman, I never assume her partner is a man. So and that's the thing I always use the phrase partner until they made it very clear how they identify their partner. I just think it makes you a bit more careful. In a funny sort of way, I think it broadens your outlook onto people, because you don't, you, you do still stereotype people, but you are much more open about how you're going to view people. And, and I think that's all for the best, really.
VM was initially worried about what people would say and thought she would have to move.
VM was initially worried about what people would say and thought she would have to move.
I have to admit here, I thought to myself, I am going to have to move. That's it. I'm just gonna have to leave my whole life behind. How, how am I going to tell people and I know that sounds awful now and it makes me seem really shallow. But I did seriously think, what, what are people going to say? And then, when I came, when I came round, I thought, well I don't care anymore. You know, after sensible chats and talking to my son who has been very good through this whole process. I thought, I don't care what people say. I have enough really good friends who will stick by me and stick by my daughter. And if they don't then they are off the Christmas card list. That's the way it goes.
VM spoke about how she managed to stay connected to her daughter, despite finding it difficult in the beginning.
VM spoke about how she managed to stay connected to her daughter, despite finding it difficult in the beginning.
It was difficult in the beginning. It was difficult to get the pronouns right. It was difficult to know what to say. But I think it was difficult for us all. But we got through it, I feel. And we managed to hold onto a relationship, which I think is quite difficult, because lots, there's lots of ups and downs and lots of things you don't know and obviously my daughter is on hormones and that makes life sometimes difficult and you, and I, you constantly say the wrong thing and you don't realise you've said the wrong thing. But we did manage to remain in contact.
VM was concerned about telling her friends more than her extended family.
VM was concerned about telling her friends more than her extended family.
My husband, my husband's take on it was, well, she's our child and we have to, you know, she's old enough now, cause she was 21 I think when she told us that that's what has to happen. You know, if that's what she wants then we're her parents and we had to go with that. My son was quite pragmatic about it all.
The rest of the family seem fine. They [sighs] yeah, I don't have any brothers and sisters, my husband has a brother and he seems to have been fine about that. Yeah, that's about it, really. I haven't told, I've told some of my cousins who I know would accept it. I haven't told my huge wider family, because really, only have Christmas cards and the occasional phone call. So, I feel that's none of their business, really. I'm not going to go there. My main concern was telling friends, close friends. And because they are close friends, everyone is just gone with it, really.
VM said she found it upsetting to look for information online because there was a lot of information about discrimination and violence against trans people.
VM said she found it upsetting to look for information online because there was a lot of information about discrimination and violence against trans people.
Obviously, I went to lots of websites and trawled through some websites.
How was that experience?
Poor, really. Because you just read loads of things. I mean, I think I've sat down and read lots of things. And then I got very, very upset. And then I called, I found a support group and so I've got to talk to someone. I'm not [sighs] I'm not [laughs] I don't want to read and assimilate information. I want to talk to someone about it. I'm better with one to one or in a group talking about it than I am about sitting down just, you know, reading stuff. So that's, that is the way I did it, really.
So what was upsetting about finding the information online?
Oh, there was just lots of things. How long people would wait or how, I mean there is lots of stuff out there about how people trans people are discriminated against. How, you know, violence against them. There's lots of that stuff out there. It does make you depressed. You do think to yourself, you know, this is not a life I envisaged for my child. And how tough is this going to be? So I think that's looking online can make you do that.’
VM talked about support groups and how she doesn’t ‘do online’.
VM talked about support groups and how she doesn’t ‘do online’.
I have a friend who has, has a Facebook group and but I don't really do online, so I don't have Facebook and I don't really—and I don't really, I don’t really engage with people like that. I find it very difficult to tap things in and interact. There's a WhatsApp group. But it's very lightweight and sort of more heartfelt stuff you would do in the group, I'm not really that keen to do online. But I'm sure, as parents coming through and they're younger, I'm sure the online thing would be great for them. It's just not me, really.