And then I was moved, that day I was moved onto the normal ward, and, I’m not going to lie. It was hard. It was like my family’s fight was over, because I was awake. But my fight had only just begun because not only did I have a new born baby, a three year old at home, I also had the fact now that I can’t have any more children. Accepting that you know, I’m not invincible, I nearly died. Also the fact that I couldn’t even move, because my muscles had deteriorated completely. I couldn’t even press the buzzer to buzz a nurse, I was that weak. So it was like I had to start from the beginning.

My body was swollen. I had gone up to like thirteen stone and I’m only sort of eight stone normally. So I put on all this weight, and my face was puffy, and I couldn’t do anything. So that was when it really started for me you know, and I was being fed by a tube and a lot of challenges in hospital. You know, there’s a lot of things that I couldn’t do for myself that they, the nurses had to do. And degrading, you know, when you’re ill you just kind of go, just please help me, you know. But as you get better you kind of feel like, I want to start doing something for myself, but I can’t. Like when you’re feeling better, but you can’t feel that you can do it, it becomes a bit more like, you feel a bit more embarrassed and stuff.

I was very happy to leave HDU. Not because of anything about it. Like the staff there were fantastic. But just because it was a step forward. And then the ward, was the ward that I’d been on before I went up to HDU. So I kind of knew some of the staff already, which was quite sort of nice to come back to people, and they were good at being sensitive as well I think, like the hospital’s really busy, so there’s lots of four bed wards and then some single rooms. And so the first night I was back, I was in a four bed ward, but there was no one else in it until about I don’t know 5 a.m. or something when someone came in. And that was a woman whose baby was on the neonatal unit as well. And so that was good.

Well I, I came out of my room. Well I was moved out of my room to the normal ward. And that was hideous [laughs]. It seemed to me that I was in the bed furthest away from the toilets. It took me a long time to get there. I was walking stooped over. I mean I, I suppose that was the Caesarean, but I think because I was so swollen and in such great deal of pain, nobody else seemed to look like me anyway, and there were lots of whinging mothers who didn’t want to stay in for the night. And normally I’m quite a sociable person, but I didn’t want to talk to these mothers [laughs]. It was annoying that they were all fine, they had their tea and toast and they were going to go home.

But, my blood pressure was still too high. They, they wanted me to have twelve hours of normal blood pressure. But I think I was so stressed that I think three out of four were fine, and it was that fourth one that let me down. And I would worry so much. Of course it wouldn’t go down. So I was on Clexane injections to stop me clotting. I wasn’t on any pain medication. I think it was just paracetamol. But the pain did kick in but in a way I wanted that pain, so that when the pain stopped, I would know that I was feeling better. And I didn’t tell the doctor this until about three days later. And she said, You know, there’s no point being a hero about it, you can have some pain relief But it made me feelI don’t know it was something to concentrate on I suppose, [laughs] so I didn’t have to think too much.

But I didn’t get any sleep because there was constant noise, constant noise. There wasn’t the machinery beeping any more, but it was the vacuuming and the trolleys and the babies crying and I just wanted to go home. And the food was dreadful. It was just all microwave food and I just wanted some fruit oryes, something, something decent to eat, without it coming out of a packet. And I just kept asking, when can I go home?

And then I was transferred up onto the main ward. And they did put me on the ward. Obviously into a room where, I think there three women with just like healthy babies and I was up all night traumatised and then listening to them with their babies. I just, it was so overwhelming, I just wanted to go home. I wanted to cry. And I did pester the doctors to let me home. I just wanted, I can’t. The baby I’d been told several times throughout the night, he’d stopped breathing, he’d been ventilated. They found an infection, a bleed on the brain. It was just a heart murmur that they wasn’t sure about how bad it was. I just remember the list was just ongoing and I thought, and they did tell you to expect the worst. He was really premature. And I’m in a room with three babies. I couldn’t, I was annoyed at that point. I was so annoyed at that point, I was like what if someone comes up now and tells me my baby’s died and then you’ve put me in here, and there’s three women. Every corner I turned was new born babies. I felt I was really angered by that. I did think that was wrong. And I was told it was because of bed spaces.

And then the next day, the ward, the four bed ward was completely full, and I can remember being back there at some point in the afternoon and I could hear these normal babies you know, crying and these mothers having [laughs] you know, normal Mother worries, you know, about oh shall I change his nappy now, or do I use wipes? What do I? And I was just lying there think, oh it’s not fair, I don’t have my baby, you have yours, and that was really hard. And fortunately the staff had obviously had experience of that before and they put me in a side room. So I went back up to the neonatal unit at the some point in the afternoon. And when I came they were like, we’ve got you a side room quietly move your stuff, let’s go, kind of thing. Which was great, because I think having a night of being woken up by other people’s babies, when mine wasn’t there would have been horrible. Oh it would have been awful. So I got a side room.

And also the other good thing was it was really hot and stuffy in there, the heating always felt too hot, and so in my own room, I could open all the windows [laughs]. I was much happier and much more comfortable in there and yes, I knew I’d got to stay in that for the rest of the time. Which was great.

So yes, and I think yes, the staff were, as I say I think they were quite sensitive to the fact that it would have been really harsh, you know, and tried to do the best that they could to, to alleviate that, you know, as much as possible in a busy ward and all the rest of it. Yes, and they were nice, you know, we had good chats all the time. I guess because I was a physio and I had some understanding of the NHS, you know, we could moan about difficult things in the NHS together or whatever, so yes, I always felt treated like I was an adult having a conversation and not a real patient that needed to be patronised or anything like that. So that was nice, yes.

And then from there down to the labour ward. That must have been quite a big transition?

I was glad to get out of the Intensive Care. It was, I found it very, very scary, because it’s so different to a normal ward. Very, very ill patients in there. And it’s quite upsetting. But one, I, one nice memory I’ve got, the morning, I think it was the Saturday morning I was taken out of there, it was one of the staff’s birthday and somebody came in with a tray of buns, and I remember having a bit of a grin on my face.

So in the labour ward, were you on a general ward? In with other women or were you by yourself?

I was my own, I was in a room on my own.

Okay, yes. And how was that care in comparison to the Intensive Care?

Oh very, very good. Very good. They were constantly monitoring me. Again I think it was fifteen minutes observations for days. Just constantly. I had two people taking me to the toilet. I had two members of staff showering me. My first shower. That was amazing. So you know, constantly. I even had staff come because I knew them all very well by because I’d already been in there at Christmas with the PE’s. I’d got quite a friendship with a lot of them and quite often they would just come and sit with me and we’d talk just chat. So you know, formed some very good bonds in there with the staff.

And what, how long were you in the labour ward for? How much longer did you have to stay in hospital?

Another week. I was in there another week.

Okay.

And then they were gradually bringing the baby to me. My husband was splitting his time, coming to see me and then going he took over with the feeds and was feeding the baby, going back there. So he was constantly going backwards and forwards. And then when the baby was allowed to come and see me, sort of more and more often which was lovely, and then after a few days I was, he put me in a wheelchair and took me into where she was. And I was able to go in there.

So they took me, from Intensive Care they took me to the labour, the labour suite, because it was more one to one care on the labour suite. So they said that’s, I needed my own midwife effectively and so we both stayed there.

Yes, so we were both. We had obviously a room here that we both stayed in. Which was nice that we could both be there really rather than separated again.

And how long were you in that room for? How long did you stay in the labour ward?

I was in, I was in the labour suite until, for two days. Or yes, kind of a day and a half. So I went there on the Monday, Monday afternoon, and I was there until the Wednesday morning. And they transferred me up to the maternity ward after that. Once they’d got me, they got me out of bed on the Wednesday and I was able to walk a little, shuffle actually, a little way, and then they transferred me up to the maternity ward.

And were you able to lift your baby at that point, or was it too painful to lift him?

No, I was told I shouldn’t lift him until he was six weeks old. Nothing heavier than a litre of water for six weeks apparently. And given that he was heavier than a litre of water when he was born, that was quite difficult [laughs]. And I had to have him passed to me if I wanted to hold him or feed him, and that kind of thing, so yes, that was, but those first two days to be honest were, I felt so, weak well for quite a long time I felt really week, but on the Tuesday, so when he was two days old, they gave me three more units of blood because my blood count had dropped quite, quite a lot. And was just feeling really, really exhausted and just not with it at all. So they gave me some more blood, which pepped me up quite a lot, and I felt a lot stronger, I felt a lot stronger, once they’d done that. And obviously over those couple of days [they] were taking various cannulas out and bits, other bits and pieces and [laughs] so you start to feel a little bit more normal. I guess. Once you start getting, getting things taken away and drains taken away and that kind of thing. So that gets a little bit more, a little bit easier to start cuddling babies and getting out bed and things like that, so

I spent a couple of days on the labour ward and then went up to maternity, which was a difficult transition, because labour, they did everything for me. I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed, I still had a catheter in for a good few days. I wasn’t allowed to eat for two days in case, I think it’s something to do with the bowel. There can be complications because obviously everything’s put back in awkwardly, so they felt there could be a complication with the bowel, so I couldn’t eat and I could only have sips of water.

So they were fantastic, but when I eventually moved up to labour ward, and one of the midwives, and it’s a very unusual case because I remember her saying to me, They’ve asked me not to take your catheter out. But I don’t understand. You just want to be a normal mummy. Let’s get you up and get you going And so she left me to get on with everything at that point. But I remember saying to my husband, I think they think I’ve just an emergency Caesarean, but it’s been so much more than that. And it’s going to take a long time to get over

So I begged to get out as soon as possible. I think they wanted to keep me in a week, but I was only in from the Friday to the Monday. And they let me home on the Monday night, because I felt at home I had my Mum and my husband there staying with me and my other daughter to help me far more than they could in hospital. I was sort of a drain on their resources.

Yes, and the next day, I just kind of, I just got on with it. I remember the enormity of what had happened just didn’t hit me at all. I just thought, oh well, I had something, something happened yesterday and I just got on with it. And there was a girl opposite in the, the post natal ward said, Oh is this your second baby I said, No, it’s my first She said, But you seem to know what you’re doing

You know, and I just got on with it, but I was just left in a corner and literally I was in a corner and there seemed to be no allowance for the fact that I’d gone through something really horrific. I was, you know, I was routine. I was the same as everybody else. They kept trying to get me to take painkillers. Even though I was quite clear that I’m not in pain. That was then, that was their only concern, Oh take these paracetamols So I was sort of hiding them because I wasn’t in pain.

I wasn’t given. I had about five minutes breast feeding support. Which was pitiful really. No one explained, no one explained anything to me really. They were worried, the physio came round and said, Oh you know, you must do your pelvic floor exercises And I thought, Well okay Yes. I just, it was pretty rough in the hospital actually. Afterwards.

I remember one night. I was in for a few nights. I pressed the buzzer, which was the first time I pressed the buzzer and I don’t know whether she was a midwife or a midwifery assistant came through and just yanked the curtain back, What’s the matter And I can’t remember what the problem was, but you know, the baby was crying and I was quite distressed and I knew, my son wasn’t, he wasn’t a happy bunny. There was nothing physically wrong with him I think, other than being starving because I was trying to feed him. And obviously my body’s priority at that time was not lactation. It was, you’ve just lost an awful lot of blood and had a bit of a trauma so breast feeding’s not going to be happening very well. But I was so adamant that I wanted to feed him myself. They just, the hospital just said, You can give him 4 ml if you want And that was it. They were happy just to shove a bottle in my hand, but not actually sit down with me and say, you know, we understand you want to try, but realistically when you’ve had something that dramatic happen, it’s going to, might take a bit longer and that kind of thing.

So I was desperate to get out of the hospital. I felt I was getting no support there at all. And then when I went home, I didn’t really get any support from the community midwife was concerned. I just got a lot of, Oh you’ve been very lucky. You’ve been very lucky And that was it really.

And what had happened was So I was taken from my bed in Intensive Care which is a very cosy place to be. You’re very well looked after and there’s all the latest equipment, to suddenly no TV, my bed didn’t sit up with the press of a button. I had the catheter removed that was just like, I had the catheter removed. So I hadn’t been on my feet for a week and then I was just expected to get up and get on with it. When I say expected to get up and get on with it, I mean looked after baby. All on my own.

Now even a new mother has her husband for support the first night home. I was totally alone, and this midwife didn’t really spot that at all. You know, the first time I went to the toilet I shuffled, also you know, I’d had a Caesarean. Then I’d had, been cut open again and had a major abdominal surgery, plus I was incredibly weak from all the blood loss and so on. And I sort of shuffled off to the toilet. She sort of came running with a jug of water. Oh pour this to stop the stinging. I said, I had a Caesarean. Oh yes, of course silly me, yes, okay, yes okay.

And then like, you know, I noticed these cribs that attach onto the side of the bed, the baby can co-sleep and I commented on, That looks good. Oh they’re for our Caesarean patients. That would be quite nice for me, because I’m not really very mobile. I don’t think I got one. I think I had a Anyway.

And then through the night, I actually had what I kind of look back on, I felt like I was in a survival mode through that first night because I was left on my own with the baby. Now bearing in mind the baby had been looked after by the nurses at night. This is my first night out of intensive care. And my first night with the baby, all on my own, with no support whatsoever. In fact no one. So I remember her crying in the middle of the night and me going, Right she needs a bottle. Now I can do this. And you know, it’s like getting out of bed, pushing the baby in little thing down the hall. It was all dark and quiet, no one was there. It was like, a bit abandoned. Right I know there’s a place to get hot water and I’m getting the hot water and I’m going back to the bed. And it was just, and then I accomplished it, the baby was fed and the baby went down again.

I mean just preposterous really when you, when you think about it, to not have someone on hand and, or even be left in that position really. And I remember thinking actually when I left the hospital, if I win the lottery I think there should be a suite that allows fathers to stay over in very difficult circumstances. Because no one should be expected to do that alone. You, you know you would have support, even as a normal Mother.

Amy’ They transferred me into a room, which in hindsight was a mistake, because I couldn’t, I mean I still had loads of various things
Sally’ Attached to you.

Amy’ Attached to me, and I just wasn’t well enough to beYou know, obviously I couldn’t get out of bed, and you couldn’t stay.

Sally’ They wouldn’t let me stay.

Amy’ I had my own room but basically you went home, was it about 8 o’clock at night.

Sally’ About 9 o’clock. You were so desperate to see your Mum and Dad though that you kind of traded staying with the support just so you could see your Mum and Dad.

Amy’ Yes. And so it meant that even though obviously I had the bell and stuff and I could ring the bell. I was in a room on my own and no one really comes in, you know, unless they you ring the bell, and they come in to do their sort of checks every so often. Every sort of, I don’t know, few hours or something, but it kind of felt very. And once you went home I was absolutely terrified. I thought oh my God I’ve got this baby that I don’t even feel I know.

Sally’ Hm.

Amy’ Next to me and I couldn’t really lift her out the cot.

Sally’ You couldn’t get her out the cot could you?

Amy’ And I remember the next morning. Because overnight I obviously kind of managed to get her up and feed her, because I’d managed to start breast feeding a bit and the next morning I remember the nurses, the nursery nurse coming in, who sort of more deals with the babies, and saying, Well she hasn’t been changed And she hasn’t been this. And feeling like great, now I’m useless at this as well. But I couldn’t, you know. I know I probably should have just rung the bell in the night and said, Can you come and change her But I don’t know it was probably me. I’m a bit. I don’t like to kind of say to people.

Sally’ Well also it’s our first baby.

Amy’ Had stayed on the high dependency unit
Sally’ They would have done all of that.

Amy’ They’d have done all of that and they would have you know, helped to get her out and put her on me so I could feed her and all that sort of stuff. And so I felt that there was no bond. I just felt like there was just this baby that’s you know, and obviously when they’re tiny she was sleeping a lot, and you know, she was just sort of I don’t know, it was just
Sally’ Yes, and you just don’t know do you. You don’t know until you change them two times, you know, when they’re that age. You know, until some kind of say or someone like your Mum or my Mum says. Leave that, you know, or the nursery do those things

The hardest thing for me in terms of recovery is I think it was the support. Postnatally what happened was, when I woke up or you know, out of sedation five days after I was very pleased that [husband] had the opportunity to look after our son, so he could feed the baby. [Son] was kept at special care unit, even though he didn’t need it. He was a very health six twelve, so he was fine. So I think from that point of view they were extremely supportive and I think because the case was quite well we were treated very, we felt very special. So that was lovely and [husband] was very supported. But literally as I sort of woke up and they thought oh you’re fine now. It was sort of straight over to post natal ward.

Which I don’t know what other hospitals are like, but [hospital’s] have improved since then thankfully. But it was a very isolating moment. Because I was obviously asleep or sedated during the sort of baby blue period, I don’t think it kicked in until later on. So I remember still being in the post natal ward and getting so distressed, crying all the rest of it and wanting to go home. That was probably the hardest bit and then it felt like nobody was listening.

So suddenly the care that was all there before and I expect, you know, when you’ve, when people have used sort of IVF and they have had this special treatment, suddenly you’re, you’re with everybody else and you’re still recovering still with stitches toilets like you know, five doors down the corridor that was very difficult and isolated. So not in a bay with other women which I might have actually preferred, but they obviously thought well on you’re on your own so that you can recover and you know. But I did feel very lonely and my husband was the only person that came to visit.

And again in hindsight because I’d requested that I didn’t want to see anybody. It was just as well to be, you know. But in hindsight it would have been nice for people to come. My family don’t live in locally you know, they’re in Gloucester, so you know, the minute I was fine they had to go back, go to work, all that sort of thing. So that was really, really lonely.

I got so upset that they did discharge me sooner [laughs]. I think their idea was to keep me until my liver functions were back to normal, but because they were so sky high, I could have been in there, you know, it felt like it could have been weeks. So my husband had a chat with them and he said, Look you know, if there’s anything wrong I will bring her to the hospital, you know, I will bring her to hospital for blood tests every day if that’s what’s necessary So that was really helpful.

But I was also still in the process of having leg operations and they put me in a bed, pulled the curtain and that was it, literally they left me to take care of her. I had a really hard time. As I said, I was still, I was still on pain, painkillers, not the self no I was still on the self-button pressing one. I had loads of, bad experiences there where they wouldn’t because these were nurses that were geared to do post labour, not surgical trauma and recover, because the caesarean scar, was you know, that was a minor point of all the other things. I mean had blood bags and urine bags and you know, I had lots of I had staples all down my leg where they had to do, where the embolism had been and various things like that. And I don’t think they were geared up for that type of care.

I remember things like trying to get. [Second daughter] out of a cot bed with the cot next to the bed. It wasn’t tall cot, and I couldn’t pick her up and I used to get her and I was horrible, hold her by baby grow and put my hand under her and yank her out like that and all those things were really hard for me.

I went to the ward and that was such a nightmare. I went down to the ward and I had to share a ward with you know, other mothers, but these other mothers had their babies with them. They didn’t have you know, they didn’t need constant pain relief, they could walk. They didn’t have a bladder problem. So the bladder problem hadn’t been resolved. They didn’t need, when I needed to go to the toilet, I need to go there and then. It was a part of the surgery they said. And I said, I shouldn’t be here.

And I’m having these feelings but I’m not saying them and then my pain kicks in. The pain is so severe that they called the doctor, the doctor has a look, and she’s saying, Oh it’s not this, and that. I said, Do you know what, I’ve come from the high dependency unit, and before high dependency I was in ICU.

I need you to get my consultant. So she’s had a look through my notes. Immediately she’s changed her perception of me and she’s called my consultant. Within an hour my consultant’s downstairs and the pain is unbearable. It was the move you see, I tired myself out coming down. They thought that something was wrong inside. I couldn’t let them touch me. So they started to put things into place. We might need another operation and perhaps its ripped on the inside, perhaps there’s an infection. Do this, do this, do that.

So they were talking in their own medical terms and I’m thinking please no. My Mum’s crying. Because she can’t see me in the pain. She needs another blood transfusion. And they arranged the blood transfusion. So all these things are kicking off and I’m thinking you’ve brought me down too soon, Miss [consultant], you let me go too soon, you’ve done it too soon. She said, No it’s not too soon if I didn’t bring you down, you need this, you need to move on. We can’t, if we kept you there you would get used to that care, you need to move on, you need to be stronger, the first day’s going to hard and I said, Move me to my own room then. I need, by the time I get to the toilet and somebody else is in the toilet I’m going to wet myself and I’m going to get embarrassed. I’m going to be straight with you, if I had my own room, at least I won’t get embarrassed. And she’ll look at you and she’ll say, I’ll try to arrange a room. But she had no intentions of arranging a room for me. She goes, I’ll try to arrange a room for you. And I said, I want you to tell everybody on this ward that I’m priority [laughs]. Because of what I’ve gone through. And then I’d say that and I’d hear myself and I was thinking, what did you say. I said, Miss [consultant] ignore that. I’m sorry I don’t know why I just said that. She goes, I know why you said that, you’ve been through a hell of a lot and you do need to go to the toilet when you need to go, but don’t worry they’ll understand [laughs].

So by then all these mothers have heard there’s a dragon in the room [laughs] But as it happened I, you know, the extra they just upped the painkillers back to what they were in high dependency and I recovered after a few days. One night and day I came into a routine where I knew that I could get up, I could go the toilet, and slowly, slowly, she was right. I made myself do things, and I was, my body started to repair and I was able to sit in a wheelchair, go and see my baby.