That’s an interesting one, the future. I probably try to live more day to day than I ever used to. I’m incredibly thankful that weve got to where weve got to now. Weve got our lives back and were all happy again, you know, most of the time [laughs]. I try not to project any anxieties that I have had or I could have now onto the future because I think doing a what if?’ is actually pointless. I think, though, one has to be aware of vulnerable times. I think that’s really important that you watch out for your children as you would probably most parents would watch out for them and know that there are going to be times in their lives, maybe their relationship, you know, with a boyfriend or a girlfriend breaks down, you know theres going to be some fall out or granny dies or whatever it is or they become made redundant.

So and be there to, you know, offer support, not to, we can’t push our, as we, you know, as our children get older we can’t force ourselves on them to help. If they want our help and you’ve got a relationship where they, do come to you then that’s a real blessing and thankfully, our children do want to come to us when things go wrong. So when you’ve had mental health issues including self-harming, you’re, you’re going to be on the lookout I suppose, even more so for the impact of those events and what that could mean. And I don’t think I don’t, I think my daughter has come so far that she won’t want to throw that away. That’s my hope for her and talking to her, I believe that’s the case.

Could she relapse? She might, couldn’t she? You know, I’m it wouldn’t completely rock me but I’d be pretty determined to help her through that as well if she would allow me. But, you know, shes allowed me before, when shes been an adult, so I don’t see why she wouldn’t again. And I have to remind her of all the good things in her life and I still have to do that when perhaps depression sets in again, I just remind her how far shes come and all the good things shes got ahead of, you know, ahead, the opportunities and how, you know, what a risk it would be to slip back and to lose that again and she doesn’t want to either so that that’s how I see it.

So what are your thoughts about the future now?

Very worried. Very worried. Partner, her partner would have to be a very, very strong resilient person. One day, shes going to go too far. Shes going to get, shes going to cut too far or shes going to take too many pills to help her sleep. I am very worried. I am also very tired.

It’s a terrible thing to enjoy when shes away. I think it’s the ugly, the ugly side of my emotions that she goes away and theres peace at home.

It’s a relief, yes.

It is a relief and because she involve, she involves all of my energy. I need to prop her up. I need to be very careful. If I have to criticise her, I need to put it in a positive way, Why don’t you next time. Instead of behaving like a normal sometimes fed-up human being and saying, Would you bloody blah blah blah? And it’s very draining. So I want to be left alone but I would be worried if I were to be left alone.

And how do you see the future?

Well, guardedly positive. I, and particularly with the middle daughter, I am aware that there is definitely always going to be a chink in the armour and it’s a weak point. Everybody has a weak point. Everybody has an Achilles’ heel and I think she still needs work on self-esteem. Shes still doing work on her self-esteem.

I’m not sure. I’m not sure. I I’ve got to try and stop asking her if shes all right because I don’t think that’s terribly useful and terribly helpful but I can’t help myself doing it and I’ve apologised to her. I said, you know, You must understand that I feel very vulnerable. Shes, at the moment, working in another country, which makes me feel doubly vulnerable but you’ve got to trust. You’ve, shes got to go her way and shes just got to know that she can come back if she needs to with no threat of criticism or condemnation to a behaviour that, actually, some people, they never did drugs that. You know, some people have different crutches.

This this maybe, unless she can deal with it better, it may be something that she resorts to. I hope shes building up an armoury and that’s the way weve looked at it for her, building up an armoury of things that she can do rather than harm herself. So yeah, guardedly positive I think is how I’d see the future.

I’ve got to the point where I accept that it works as a coping strategy for her but it still makes me uncomfortable. I still wish she wouldn’t do it. I still want to wrap her up in cotton wool and fix it all for her. I don’t think that will ever change either. I think I think life will continue as it does. It will continue to be a roller coaster because of her mental health issues, shell have good times and bad times. I just hope that the good times are longer and bigger and better. The older she gets, the more experienced she gets at dealing with stuff and coping with stuff and learning how to how to how to deal with her emotions better because that’s a big issue for her. That that the periods between the self-harm continue to increase and that one day she can come to me and say, It’s been x years. Rather than x months.

You talked a little bit about what shes going on to do next. I wonder if you could just talk more generally about how you see the future and her future kind of unfold.

Well, shes doing her A levels at the moment. Shell be taking them next spring and summer and yeah, hopefully, next off shell be going off to university to do chemistry. Somewhere in the North of England, hopefully. Yeah, she wants to be a research chemist. Very bright girl. So, yeah, really, really exciting time for her. I’m really excited for her and, you know, perhaps like I said, in a way, some of the stuff shes done and shes been through may have helped to emotionally equip her while she is away. Yeah, but I think she knows and she understands my views on perhaps that she may have a genetic predisposition to stuff like this I’m not saying I’m right, I think I am but I’m not saying I’m right, but she understands that I believe that we have a genetic predisposition for this sort of thing. I wanted her to be aware of that and she is. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that when I was her age. So yeah, I’m hoping I’m hoping that shell, you know, I’m not under any illusion that shell just go off to university and be some sort of academic superstar and her whole life will be fabulous because it won’t [laughs] because that’s not reality. But I hope that, you know, shell have some of the tools now that shell need to deal with it and shell also have now an understanding that, chances are, whatever she believes shes going through, I’ve probably been there, seen it, done it and got the t-shirt [laughs]. Probably.

What are your thoughts about the future now?

Oh brilliant [laughs]. Really good. Really good, honestly. I mean, you know, I’m not saying lifes not going to have its problems. I know you’ll always get problems. They’ll always come along but yeah, brilliant. I mean it’s really great. I see my son every weekend. He comes round to see me. We go out. We stay in. We watch a movie. We stay with his son as well. So yeah, it’s lovely. It’s really lovely and now I’ve got a family that I never thought I would have but it’s brilliant, you know. I’ve got him. I’ve got my grandson you know I couldn’t ask for more.

Lovely.

Yeah, it is. It’s really nice. It’s a happy ending, yeah. Well, [laughs] what you might call a happy ending.

And how do you see the future then?

I’m resolutely optimistic. Hes still young. Hes still got a lot of growing up to do. He is emotionally very immature. Hes one of these children who was always very mature in some ways as a child and never actually saw himself as a child, I don’t think. And I know a lot of children like this. They’re the bright ones, the very able ones, who identify at school with the teachers rather than the other children, and that is sort of counter balanced so often by a kind of immaturity that probably comes from not learning to ruck along with your cohort and be one of the lads, as it were. And they can find it very difficult actually making that transition to independent adulthood. So I’m hoping very much that he will, eventually, grow out of it. Just as, getting back to the cutting, hes not doing it anything like as much as he was.

It’s now only as a sort of, not as a last resort but, I’m really upset. I’m really tense. I’m really angry. What am I going to do? Oh yes, I remember, I can cut myself. Whereas before it was a daily occurrence and now, I don’t think, though I may be missing stuff, it’s even a monthly one.

So I hope things will just gradually evolve, fingers crossed.

I do see her future as being one that is bright but then theres still some elements of doubt, you know, in terms of the self-harming aspect because, you know, because of how things sort of evolve, you know, and how her journey has been, theres still that doubt at the back of my head that, you know, one day will she really do it, you know. But, at the same time, I push it aside and I try and be positive and think of all the positive things, you know, that she can be and the things that she wants to aspire to and her goals and the things that she wants to achieve. So that’s why I say, you know, we just take one day at a time, so every day she gets up and shes happy, I’m happy. If shes sad, obviously, I try and, you know, jolly her along and help her to get through the day and so that’s why I always use that phrase, you know, just take one day at a time. I try not to plan too far into the future and that but, at the same time, we still make plans. We still plan holidays and we still do family things together and that so that’s how I manage my life, yeah.