I think I got a bit frustrated because after a year or so it was like ‘surely it has to clear up at some point?’ And I think I was-, I didn’t really think it was something you could see the doctor about, because I thought ‘yeah, I’m quite spotty but… When I went to the see the GP for the first time it was like, What’s wrong with you? And I was like, I’ve got spots [laughs]. It felt like the most like menial thing to say, but I think I also had it quite badly on my back at that point, and yeah the doctor was like, You should have come a lot, lot sooner. Because it left like a bit of scarring. Yeah. And I think I didn’t really realise that it was something that the doctors could do anything about until a friend of mine at school- this must have been when I was, yeah, about 16. Or a little bit before then. She, she’d been to see the doctor about acne on her back and he’d given her cream which works wonders. But until then I didn’t know it was a thing that the doctors could do anything for.

You’ve said a couple of times about sickness, and sort of the identity as a sick person, you think is something that you don’t see yourself, or don’t want to be seen as?

No. That is probably one of the things that I have struggled with while seeking help. Because at one side of the spectrum I want to take control, I want to take ownership of it, I want it to be something that I don’t let impact my life as much as it could. But at the other end, I don’t – I don’t like the, a large amount of medical intervention, cos it’s not – it’s not an illness, it’s not a sickness, it’s not something that you need to declare on health forms or things like that, so. I do sometimes struggle with that. And again, that’s something that I am still working on. But I really don’t like the idea of the, the tablets and having to get your prescription filled, and be in line with everyone else that probably is genuinely sick and needs those sort of things. I think maybe that’s sometimes why on the odd occasion where I have had a bad experience with a GP, it’s maybe what, what they’re thinking as well, that it’s not – it’s definitely not as serious as other things you can go to your GP about, it’s not something that’s making me sick, making me feel bad physically, sort of thing. So I don’t know, it – it would be nice if there was a different channel for it. I mean it’s still a medical thing, but it’s definitely not an illness. It’s, it’s a condition but – you know – everyone has a condition, life is a condition, it’s a state of being, you know? So I don’t, I don’t see it as a diagnosis, I guess. And I don’t like feeling like it is as a diagnosis. Because it’s – it’s just a thing, you know? It shouldn’t be – it almost makes it feel worse, when you have to go to a doctor about it, because – you know – you see doctors when you’re sick, so. I don’t, I don’t like that connotation. But there’s not a lot you can do about that really, it’s just something I’ll have to make peace with.

I think you said it was your GP that did ask how it was affecting you and like the more emotional side of it?

Yeah. They did, I remember my first, I think one of the first GP appointments I went to they sort of said, you know, are people sort of talking, saying stuff about you?’ And I’d never actually really thought about what other people were saying to that extent and how that was affecting me. I hadn’t really thought about it until that point. So, in some ways, that was quite a changing moment and I, it sort of made me worry a little bit more about what people were saying. but, yeah, it was, I suppose [clears throat] I suppose at that age it’s sort of, I spose it is a concern how it affects like socialising and especially when I’d just started a new school and things so.

Could I ask you a bit about the very first appointment where you were told that you had acne and what it was like to go to the GP’s at that time?

I don’t really remember [laughs] I mean I, I think, I think they didn’t even really call it acne then because I was so young and they were just like, Oh, you know, this cream will just help with your skin. and actually yeah I mean I think, I think like yeah, I mean I knew it was acne I guess but like I think because, I think part of the problem was because everyone was like, Oh it’s just a teenage thing, you just have bad skin, and so I remember actually when I went to the dermatologist the most recent time and he said, you know, This is a disease and we’re going to treat it, and I just remember that being such a turning point because I’d always just kind of it had always just been like bad skin, a teenage thing’ and then suddenly it was someone who was like really taking it seriously as a disease that was treatable. and I think yeah, so I think like the way people talked about it did really have an impact and I didn’t really realise that until suddenly this dermatologist was saying, you know, speaking about it in that way. and that made me feel like so much better in some ways because even though it was like oh my God, I’ve got a disease’ it kind of, it made me feel like I was justified in being as upset as I was and that you know, this was a serious problem. But someone was taking it seriously and was going to fix it for me.

Yeah.

So yeah I kind of wished that someone had said that earlier on really [laughs] because it took a while.

So what did you feel when you were first told that you had acne, what was your response to getting the diagnosis?

I think I was a bit like a bit annoyed and frustrated and a bit like it’s annoying admitting that you’ve like got an actual condition or a problem. Like the word acne just sounds a bit like harsh and a bit, yeah and I felt like some, like you’ve got acne as if I felt a bit like, I guess disappointed in myself. But, I know it wasn’t my fault exactly but, it’s, I know that everyone has bad skin as a teenager but, getting told you’ve got like severe or like moderate like acne, yeah I felt a bit annoyed and a bit insecure about it I think.

Is there sort of a word or words or like a phrase that you’d feel more comfortable, up until that point of just describing your skin as?

I don’t really know; I just knew it was bad but I didn’t want to admit it. And I think it’s difficult cos I think, if you give something a word that word will eventually then get the connotations. So, yeah I didn’t like the word acne but I couldn’t think of another one I guess.

What sort of connotations does it have for you?

I think it’s kind of maybe like ugliness or like, being ashamed. Like personally, I think that they’re sort of connotations it just sounds quite like an ugly word yeah, in my opinion.